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abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 2:20:05 AM

anisa

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/24/2004
Status: offline

I am a submissive and have, I think what is going to turn into a serious problem and need advise. I am going through a rough patch in my life and a friend of a friend (I know that sounds odd but true) owns his own company and offered to give me a place to live and a job to help me get back on my feet. Well we have played a bit he is domiant but he has a vanilla fiance that he insists on staying with. And honestly I don't want to be with him on any level other than boss and employee and have cut him off completely. Yesterday after work he was sitting in my room that I rent that is attached to the garage, it was just idle chit chat...he asked me to do something and when I refused he flipped in a way I have never seen before. He knows of my fetish for breath play and he came up behind me and started to choke me. I passed out briefly and feel to the floor bruising my right thigh. When I came to my senses I was on the floor and didn't know really what had happen cause it happened so fast. I sat there for a few and he asked me again and I refused yet again, then things got very violent...At one point it felt as if he was choking me so hard my throat colapsed as his elbow was in my chest and his knee was slammed between my thighs. At some point he was striking my left thigh with something because there are bruises there as well. I guess the reason I am posting here is because I don't know how to handle this and bow out gracefully. I will have to pack my things if I am to try to move out but afraid of that violent part of him to come back out. Someone help!!!!

scared submissive

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 2:41:37 AM

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Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

I have had more than one friend in similar situations as yours. I would reccommend leaving the situation as soon as possible, as it never has a happy ending. Some of those friends have disappeared never to be heard from again.

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 5:57:06 AM

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

You bow out of it by reporting him to the police for assault.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 6:54:37 AM

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

anisa,

There is no way to "bow out gracefully"... I would suggest that you call the authorities, but before you do, you have to have some idea what you are going to say to them and what he could possibly say to them as well. It wouldn't be the first time a submissives lifestyle choices were used against them. Not trying to scare you, I just want you to be informed. We, Scooter and I, live about 45 minutes from you, and I'm sure you know others in this lifestyle as well, perhaps they could offer you safe haven?

Please feel free to email me on the other side (the search side of collarme) if you like. You are in not only a bad situation, but a dangerous one as well. Please, don't think about him and his, just take care of you.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 7:33:41 AM

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

anisa, what I am about to say may sound harsh but believe me when I say that my heart goes out to you and yes, I really do understand. I am going to take all of the emotion out of this though and just concentrate on the facts of the situation.

In the title of your post you used the word abusive, so I know that you understand that this type of behavior is exactly that. It has nothing to do with him being a Dominant and you being a submissive. It does not sound like he is YOUR Dominant or you are HIS submissive. It does not sound like you have given any kind of consent here. Abuse is abuse...and it is illegal.

The way I see this is that you have four choices:
1. You can LEAVE and go to the police and have them escort you back to get your things.
2. You can LEAVE and go to a friend or relative and ask them for help to get your things.
3. You can just LEAVE and say forget about your things.

OR (and I would not recommend this option)

4. You can STAY and VOLUNTEER to be his VICTIM. (Because that is exactly what you will be doing...volunteering)

What I am trying to say to you (and I think you already know it inside of yourself), is that you are in a VERY dangerous situation and you need to LEAVE. That has to be your first priority.

I have a good deal of experience in the counseling field, Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. What you have said here today is alarming. Don't bother trying to talk yourself into thinking that having a talk with this man is going to bring a positive result....it won't. I want you to know that you can feel free to contact me and I will help in any way that I can. You also have an offer on here from Shifted Jewel. She is good people and I can tell you that I know her personally and that she has offered from her heart. Please keep us posted. And please don't volunteer.

*edited to add:
If you do decide to leave, DO NOT tell him your intentions before you do. This could place you in a MUCH more dangerous situation. Women are at their greatest risk when they attempt to leave an abusive situation.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 5/14/2005 9:01:44 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 7:59:07 AM

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

This is disturbing behavour....not Dominant behavour, this is aggressive and predatory, not acceptable by any standards. As SJ said, do be prepared for a serious Q&A session if you bring in the authorities though..not that you shouldn't, but be aware it can get ugly. No matter what, utilize the options that erin spelled out, preferably not #4. No job or roof over your head is worth risking your life over. It just POs me to no end when a "so called" Dom acts like this, it just shows we have assholes in all walks of life I guess. I don't see any hint of consent from your actions and he went way past any bounderies by physically assaulting you. Get out and get out fast would be my suggestion. And do others a favor and don't be shy about letting other submissives in your area know about this...you may save someone else in the process. Please keep us posted on this situation, I hate to hear of incidents such as this.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 11:58:18 AM

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

Get yourself to the local police.. File charges, and ask them to take you to the local woman's shelter. They can provide you with a place to stay, in addition to helping you get on your feet.. Don't hesitate to tell them about the SM, and don't be ashamed in doing so. These days most are well trained, and understand that you didn't consent to such treatment.

Keep us posted.

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 3:46:04 PM

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Just LEAVE

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 4:55:42 PM

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaitresseEden
Don't hesitate to tell them about the SM, and don't be ashamed in doing so. These days most are well trained, and understand that you didn't consent to such treatment.

I'm not sure that revealing her SM side would be a good thing, but that's just my opinion. The abuser's behavior has nothing to do with SM. If he was violent with her, that's all the authorities need to know.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/14/2005 11:59:32 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SecretDomme

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaitresseEden
Don't hesitate to tell them about the SM, and don't be ashamed in doing so. These days most are well trained, and understand that you didn't consent to such treatment.

I'm not sure that revealing her SM side would be a good thing, but that's just my opinion. The abuser's behavior has nothing to do with SM. If he was violent with her, that's all the authorities need to know.

Be well,
Julie

yes, but from what I've read and observed, if it isn't disclosed at the forefront, the abuser can use it as a mitigating factor. That is, he can say "well, -she's- into s&m and LET me beat up on her. After the fact she just felt guilty and said it was abuse."

From what I've read, it seems that women are much more likely to be confronted with their sexual behavior as proof they "invited" the abuse.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to SecretDomme)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/15/2005 9:38:08 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

he can say "well, -she's- into s&m and LET me beat up on her. After the fact she just felt guilty and said it was abuse."

and he would still be prosecuted, just as men are whose abused s/o's are unwilling to press charges. whether she agrees or not, it is still ILLEGAL in the state of Ohio to choke someone until they pass out. and, as always, it will come down to her word against his, judged by 12 citizens. it is best for her to be as honest as possible when relating her story from the outset. much worse would be for it to be "discovered" that she was hiding information.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/15/2005 10:21:52 AM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

This happened to me and he nearly killed me. That's why I don't tell anyone IRL that I'm submissive. There's a certain level of communication required in staying safe and this guy obviously doesn't care for it.

For god's sake cut all ties. It's nothing to do with being submissive, it's become something else. Please stay away from this man, the problem is most definitely his, not yours.

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/20/2005 9:16:39 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

And do others a favor and don't be shy about letting other submissives in your area know about this...

I would also let his fiance know, she could be in for some hard times if she marries him.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 5/21/2005 12:42:28 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

he can say "well, -she's- into s&m and LET me beat up on her. After the fact she just felt guilty and said it was abuse."

and he would still be prosecuted, just as men are whose abused s/o's are unwilling to press charges. whether she agrees or not, it is still ILLEGAL in the state of Ohio to choke someone until they pass out. and, as always, it will come down to her word against his, judged by 12 citizens. it is best for her to be as honest as possible when relating her story from the outset. much worse would be for it to be "discovered" that she was hiding information.

No, no, no! I'm sorry, I was totally unclear! I was -not- advocating letting someone get off on this. I totally didn't mean don't prosectue. Not atll all. I advocate filing charges and getting his ass in court.

HOWEVER, I think it's best to disclose all this upfront, because if she doesn't, then it looks like she's hiding it and might be "lying" about other thigns.

I hate our cultures way of blaming the victim, but I'm aware of it. I think that being upfront about the s&m is the best way to...diffuse it...so to speak.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 7/14/2005 4:21:53 PM

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I dont pretend to know a lot about BDSM, but I really think that thisperson is neither a freind to you,or a Dominant who has the right to call himself that. Let alone expect anyone else to. Get out of this guy's place the second you can, dont say you are going,just go!!!.

HalloweenWhite.

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 7/15/2005 9:19:16 AM

Posts: 134
Joined: 10/6/2004
Status: offline

Get out yesterday and don't discuss it with him before you do. There's no correlation here with any BDSM scene. What he did was not in the context of play regardless of whether he knows you're submissive or not.

Pure & simple, he's abusive & mean if not imbalanced and dangerous.

Priority #1-get out as soon as possible. Call the authorities if in any way you believe you will be in danger while removing your belongings. Don't discuss it with him beforehand.

Priority #2-i believe it would be a good idea (although not certain) to let them know about your SM activities, including with this man but stress that although it's been consentual in the past, this behavior was not in the context of a "scene", not invited, not expected. Put it in context.

Priority #3-press charges. This person is dangerous & has serious anger issues that have nothing to do with being a Dom. Doing so can be embarrassing. I understand however, I would much rather be embarrassed than deceased and wish the same for you.

Please don't underestimate what this person is capable of doing. His agressiveness had nothing to do with your kink.

Stop reading this and take action. Go, go, go, go.

Let us all know when you're safe.

< Message edited by dommemagnet -- 7/15/2005 9:20:27 AM >

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 7/15/2005 10:58:35 AM

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I agree with the others. Get out and then return escorted (police or otherwise) to retrieve your belongings. If you need help getting back on your feet, there are always churches and other organizations that are often available to assist.

f

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to anisa)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 7/15/2005 12:34:31 PM

Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline

As a survivor of an abusive husband, there is just one thing for you to do.

GET OUT! If you have to wait until he's not there, but LEAVE. Take your purse and keys and go straight to the police station. Tell them exactly what happened, don't hesitate. I found out the hard way that not doing this can get you beaten to a pulp or killed. The police generally don't like to get involved with domestic matters but they will be happy to help you retrieve your things from this place.
He WILL do it again if you give him the chance, especially if he knows he can get away with it. What he did has NOTHING to do with D/s, it was abuse pure and simple. I also believe you should drop a bug in the fiancee's ear about this behavior, she may not believe you but at least you told her.
Abuse is abuse, you didn't sign on for that garbage, so don't let him get away with it!

_____________________________

Her touch is on the breeze that brushes your cheek, Her voice rides the thunder as the storm breaks, Her tears will clean your heartache when the rains come, Her sun will light the darkest times when you feel alone...She is the Goddess.

(in reply to stormsfate)

RE: abusive boss/friend - 7/15/2005 2:01:23 PM

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: SecretDomme

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaitresseEden
Don't hesitate to tell them about the SM, and don't be ashamed in doing so. These days most are well trained, and understand that you didn't consent to such treatment.

I'm not sure that revealing her SM side would be a good thing, but that's just my opinion. The abuser's behavior has nothing to do with SM. If he was violent with her, that's all the authorities need to know.

Be well,
Julie

yes, but from what I've read and observed, if it isn't disclosed at the forefront, the abuser can use it as a mitigating factor. That is, he can say "well, -she's- into s&m and LET me beat up on her. After the fact she just felt guilty and said it was abuse."

From what I've read, it seems that women are much more likely to be confronted with their sexual behavior as proof they "invited" the abuse.

Let me expand on this from the opposite side of the equation from personal experience... I'm dominant, my ex-wife was submissive... however after 3.5 years of an abusive marriage (she was the abuser) I finaly called it quits and was filling for separation followed most likely by divorce. 5 days after I filed the paperwork with the court she got angry with me for taking the car to work with me (I was the only one with a full-time job), she didn't like this and assaulted me. Busted me in the face pretty good. 911 was called and she was carted of for domestic violence & assault and battery. Of which both charges were dropped and she was given a slap on the wrist (distrubing the peace) because she claimed it was within our BDSM lifestyle relationship. Now if anyone can show me where a sub busting her dominants nose and giving him whiplash is consentual and part of the lifestyle I'd love to talk sometime.

In hindsight I should have prolly mentioned it upfront so that it wouldn't have been a shock to the D.A. and decide they didn't want to deal with it. I'm not sure the legal atmosphere where the OP lives but here locally law enforcement is aware and educated enough to understand when it's consentual and when it's not. I'm out with work and family so I'm not worried, but I'm also out of that situation now as well. I would echo the other people that say just leave and that someone doing these acts under the guise of being dominant is a severe injustice and sickens me. I should have listened to myself and left the first time I was going to do so, as I wouldn't have put up with almost 2.5 years more that steadily got worse rather than better. Nothing good can come of staying where you are now.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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