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RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 3:51:16 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		"Let's not forget emotional cheating"

in my scenario that would be covered in intimate conversation...but again...we all have different opinions.  I'd be ripped if my husband was doing that and he would be as pissed too if I were..that's not part of our agreement.  And I know that because we have never discussed it.  Never once have we had the "can I cyber" conversation.  And as a loving good wife or loving good husband if we found ourselves wanting to do that we would discuss it with the other and find out how we feel.  If I wanted to do it so badly I could taste it...but my husband said "no, I draw that line"  I'd say ok and honor that.  Because NOTHING is worth losing my husband for.  NOTHING.  And he would tell you the same thing were he posting here.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 4:04:15 PM   
DixieAngel


Posts: 32
Joined: 3/21/2007
Status: offline 		Not wanting to, or not intending to fall in love with someone is usually EXACTLY when it happens, in my experience. As far as the spouse needing to know. In the situation you described no probably not, but it would be difficult to hide it after a while if you were meeting with this person on the side with any frequency.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 4:21:36 PM   
KeirasSecret


Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline
quote:

I know it's a touchy subject.  to some it's a black and white issue and to others it's a gray one. 
 
I do not see this, or any other “hot” topic for that matter: ie, murder, suicide, lying, ordering one’s sub to cut her own hand off, as being cut and dry, all good, or all bad.
 
I have contemplated this topic a good deal, and unless given specific details of motive, intent, and results, I refuse to judge the single action or a person committing such an action, as all bad.

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to LightHeartedMaam)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 4:22:57 PM   
asubmissiveheart


Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		So many reasons and excuses here, people can justify anything.

(in reply to DixieAngel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 4:59:18 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: asubmissiveheart

So many reasons and excuses here, people can justify anything.



In my opinion that seems a bit passive agressive.  Have you a clear thought on the subject?

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 5:03:11 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If you're happily married you don't cheat, you fantasize instead, you sublimate it. When enough of my needs were being met I didn't look for others, I fantasized when I masturbated.

People need their needs met and when enough needs aren't being met is when they walk or seek to fulfill those needs elsewhere.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 5:52:34 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		For me cheating has nothing to do with the activity and everything to do with the act of hiding.  If you can't be open about it- then it's cheating. If you have a pre-consensual relationship not to discuss it, then it falls under that.

As far as the "save them pain" routine- it seems that the person isn't willing to save their partners pain to the extent of sacrificing their own pleasure.  And again, it really is just another excuse to get what you want without facing the consequences.

It's not up to you to decide what your partner accepts or doesn't when you've committed to them that you will be honest to them.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 5:59:21 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
Every situation is different. i know this statement won't be popular but a lot of people who get cheated on had it coming. 


NOBODY "Has it coming" when it comes to cheating... if they are that bad then what they "Have coming" is the ending of the relationship. They "Had it coming" is just ANOTHER excuse weak willed lying people use to attempt to justify their crappy actions.



Saying nobody is pretty absolutist. What about the guy who beats the shit out of his wife till she can barely think straight - yes i think he had that coming and plenty more! 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 6:02:19 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

For me cheating has nothing to do with the activity and everything to do with the act of hiding.  If you can't be open about it- then it's cheating. If you have a pre-consensual relationship not to discuss it, then it falls under that.

As far as the "save them pain" routine- it seems that the person isn't willing to save their partners pain to the extent of sacrificing their own pleasure.  And again, it really is just another excuse to get what you want without facing the consequences.

It's not up to you to decide what your partner accepts or doesn't when you've committed to them that you will be honest to them.




YES!  Give the girl a prize.  I wish I had the brevity that LA does...that's exactly what I meant to say in my scenario post.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 6:09:34 PM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i'd have to says that, in my opinion, it has nothing to do with what you do in this other relationship.  rather its that you have this other, secret relationship at all; no matter what actions occur.  what makes 'everything perfect' in the primary relationship is open, honest, communication about the things that are important to either party.   things cannot be 'perfect' without honesty. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 6:23:50 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello LightHeartedMaam,

I'm very tired, but if I am getting this right, you asked about cheating and then brought in the part about a partner not being able to take care of the needs of the other partner.  That would be something discused between the two and not considered cheating... from what I am taking from what you said.... lol... if I am understanding correctly! lol

I am in that situation.  I am ill and I don't know how long I have to live.  Do I curl up and die without any fulfillment in life at all because I am too high a risk for someone to take a chance on?  I am single and I am tired of being single.  I have battled through single parenthood while ill... with no support whatsoever and have battled through two special care UM's and numourus challenges.  Besides being ill during it all and suffering always... I think I did well.  I did my job and now it is time for me!  So is it fair to ask someone to love me when I am ill?  Is it right to expect faithfulness in any relationship I get into?  I have found MY answers for the most part.

If I meet someone, most often the first conversation I tell them that I am ill.  I want no one to ever feel I mislead them.  I explain my life and if this person is still willing to continue... then we continue.  At all times I am honest and expect honesty in return.  I do have a romantic involvment with my collared submissive.  He knows that he could have two months with me or a couple years... maybe with luck I might go longer, but that really doesn't matter.

I told him one night recently that I have given much thought to this topic and that I would be preparing him for losing me at some point.  I would hope to give him many blessings in life and make memories that he could hold dear rather than be tomented by after I am gone.  I also told him that when I was gone... that we would have found someone that he could turn to for comfort, guidence and maybe more depending on who we could find.  I did say we.  I would be looking for someone I felt would be fitting for the situation and would then discuss it with my submissive.  I would then discuss the situation with the Dominant.  If it was okay with all concerned, we would all then meet and then build a relationship between the three as well as my submissive spending some time alone with the Dominant to establish a foundation for whatever the relationship would be once I was gone.  There would have to be some comfort levels between the two, but... and that is a large but... lol... there could be no sexual connection or play unless the three of us determined that was best.

Because of the relationship that my submissive and I have, there would be no sexual anything with anyone else unless it was known about and concented to beforehand!  I doubt that I would go for sharing my submissive unless I was bedridden and unable to provide the care my submissive needs.  Until that time that I am unable or gone... he is MINE! lol  It might be difficult to find Another who would agree to this or who would be fitting the needs or situation, but that is another topic. lol

If my submissive went behind my back and was involved with anyone I was unaware of, that would mean the end of our relationship and I would add a collar to my top drawer.

Lockit

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 6:56:07 PM   
LightHeartedMaam


Posts: 296
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline 		This is MY definition of cheating: 

Any activity engaged in to willfully secure the affections of another with the intent of abandoning your present partner. 

_____________________________

Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that it seems I have more patience. Turns out, that I just don't give a sh*t.

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 7:20:06 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

This is MY definition of cheating: 

Any activity engaged in to willfully secure the affections of another with the intent of abandoning your present partner. 


So if he doesn't intend to ever abandon you but just wants to keep secretly banging your sister and your best friend while you're at work, that's not cheating?



(in reply to LightHeartedMaam)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 7:27:01 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
Saying nobody is pretty absolutist. What about the guy who beats the shit out of his wife till she can barely think straight - yes i think he had that coming and plenty more! 
So how does cheating on the guy that "beats the shit out of his wife" make that situation any better? Just another bullshit excuse to justify petty, vindictive behavior. Saying he has it coming is just like saying she had her black eye coming.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 8:03:53 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
Saying nobody is pretty absolutist. What about the guy who beats the shit out of his wife till she can barely think straight - yes i think he had that coming and plenty more! 
So how does cheating on the guy that "beats the shit out of his wife" make that situation any better? Just another bullshit excuse to justify petty, vindictive behavior. Saying he has it coming is just like saying she had her black eye coming.


It doesn't make the situation better - but anything she does to help herself out of that kind of situation, any support she can get, any kind of help, she deserves. He doesn't deserev any kind of loyalty, respect, consideration, fidelity in my opinion once he turns into an abuser all bets are off - his call by deciding to abuse her in the first place.  And its not being petty or vindictive it's called surviving.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 8:04:24 PM   
sublimelysensual


Posts: 298
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
Every situation is different. i know this statement won't be popular but a lot of people who get cheated on had it coming. 


NOBODY "Has it coming" when it comes to cheating... if they are that bad then what they "Have coming" is the ending of the relationship. They "Had it coming" is just ANOTHER excuse weak willed lying people use to attempt to justify their crappy actions.



Saying nobody is pretty absolutist. What about the guy who beats the shit out of his wife till she can barely think straight - yes i think he had that coming and plenty more! 


Without being overly simplistic here..the key word is..leave, what he has coming is his wife leaving him and/or pressing charges. Having sex with someone else is not going to solve the problem. I was married when I discovered D/s-BDSM, and the marriage was  already on the way to the toilet. I stuck in there for another two years, doing research about the lifestyle online, in books, basically wherever I could find info. I was also trying to give the marriage a fair shot. Had I chosen to, I could have easily found a partner who wouldn't care that I was married and explored and scened to my heart's content, but I had made a commitment to my ex and going outside of that was not an option for me. I could have done it and justified it until the cows came home, but it would have still been wrong, period. Yes, I had basically made a commitment to an azz, but it was a commitment nonetheless. I think part of the reason there are so many more relationship problems now, than say 50 years ago, is that commitments/loyalties/promises are being glossed over way too often. I'm not perfect, far from it, but to me there are no shades of grey to cheating..either your partner knows what you're doing, or they don't, and if they don't..you're cheating.

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." -Simone De Beauvoir -'The Second Sex'

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 8:16:18 PM   
LightHeartedMaam


Posts: 296
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah



So if he doesn't intend to ever abandon you but just wants to keep secretly banging your sister and your best friend while you're at work, that's not cheating?





If was unable or unwilling to take care of that aspect of his needs, then I'd have to say I'd be glad it was someone I knew :)  On more serious note,  I guess I would not be surprised.    After all, its "just sex"

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 8:31:45 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah



So if he doesn't intend to ever abandon you but just wants to keep secretly banging your sister and your best friend while you're at work, that's not cheating?





If was unable or unwilling to take care of that aspect of his needs, then I'd have to say I'd be glad it was someone I knew :)  On more serious note,  I guess I would not be surprised.    After all, its "just sex"


Oh no, it isn't just sex. He finds them much more rewarding than you in every way but intends to stay with you out of an uncomfortable combination of duty and pity. Not enough pity to keep him from ridiculing you while he boinks them, though. But nevertheless he has no intention of abandoning you.

So it's still not cheating, right?

I mean, you know, hypothetically.



(in reply to LightHeartedMaam)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 8:48:03 PM   
LightHeartedMaam


Posts: 296
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah



Oh no, it isn't just sex. He finds them much more rewarding than you in every way but intends to stay with you out of an uncomfortable combination of duty and pity. Not enough pity to keep him from ridiculing you while he boinks them, though. But nevertheless he has no intention of abandoning you.

So it's still not cheating, right?

I mean, you know, hypothetically.





You should change your name to "Gumby" they way you are stretching this OP~ lol! Nowhere in the thread was the premise that the people did not /or no longer loved each other.  It's about understanding each other and what and if something needs to be known.

(Edited because I rely too much on spell check!)

< Message edited by LightHeartedMaam -- 5/23/2007 8:49:51 PM >

_____________________________

Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that it seems I have more patience. Turns out, that I just don't give a sh*t.

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: The Need to Know - 5/23/2007 9:47:14 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah



Oh no, it isn't just sex. He finds them much more rewarding than you in every way but intends to stay with you out of an uncomfortable combination of duty and pity. Not enough pity to keep him from ridiculing you while he boinks them, though. But nevertheless he has no intention of abandoning you.

So it's still not cheating, right?

I mean, you know, hypothetically.





You should change your name to "Gumby" they way you are stretching this OP~ lol! Nowhere in the thread was the premise that the people did not /or no longer loved each other.  It's about understanding each other and what and if something needs to be known.

(Edited because I rely too much on spell check!)


Are you insinuating that I was once a domly green ball of clay?

Is the knickname "Domby" taken?

I don't think I wanna know why he called his pony "Pokey".



(in reply to LightHeartedMaam)
Profile   Post #: 60
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