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AAkasha -> Dom/sub flirting to fish out the kinky (5/17/2005 10:08:35 AM)
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One of the most common questions I get from male subs is "how can I tell if a woman I know is into femdom (or, would be apt to give it a try)?"
I don't think there is any clear way to identify any person as dominant, submissive, lightly kinky, or wildly kinky if you meet them in a completely vanilla enviroment. Perhaps a friend of a friend, a business associate, or a friend you met at a vanilla social gathering. Someone's outward personality is NOT a reflection of how they are in bed, or if they are kinked. Some poor subs have fallen for women they viewed as strong, assertive, bitchy, controlling -- and then years later, realized that's all they were - it had nothing to do with kink at all. In fact, these control freak types liked to control everything but what goes on the bedroom -- huge letdown for subs.
To find out if someone you know socially is kinky, I suggest flirtation as the easiest way. And it can range from harmless and barely noticable (unless the person is really "in the know" about kink -- otherwise it goes over their head) to somewhat over the top.
How do you do this? If you are a kink-minded person, you see double-entendre potential in a lot of places. As a femdom, I've done a variety of things to "fish out" whether a guy might be open to kink or submission. If he jokingly says he screwed something up, I might say, "Hmm, I'll let it pass this time, but next time I might have to punish you." A kink-minded sub would probably reply in turn, "oh, I might like that actually." Then you are off to the races.
If I wear something fetishy to complement an otherwise normal outfit (knee high black patent leather boots are good) and a man notices and compliments me on them, I am clued in that he might be sub or fetishy. I could thank him, and laughingly say, "My closet is full of black shiny things!" The trick is to be subtle enough that it can be ignored or blown off, but don't harp on it to the point that you are pretty much advertising, "Yes, I'm kinky as hell" -- just in case this person is someone who will not respond well to it or there is a larger group of people present.
Sub men shouldn't use meek, quiet shyness or downcast eyes/overly bashful demeanor in hopes to "clue in" any potential femdoms. Because for the most part, it will get you unnoticed completely, or the woman might assume you have low self esteem. Sometimes, that "stoic, mysterious, charismatic" type is VERY alluring -- so don't get those two confused.
There are a lot of opportunities to drop subtle hints when you are flirting with someone, and they help you get a sense of the person's openness, or if they are very educated about it. You can save yourself a lot of heartache later if you find out through casual flirting that the person thinks "that kinky bondage stuff" is "for freaks."
Does anyone else have any good examples of way to send off the "dom" or "sub" vibe, or clue people in on your kinkiness without advertising it or putting yourself in a compromising position?
Akasha
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