How can I be a great sub?

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How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 4:57:37 PM

surfergirl

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/19/2005
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I am new to this lifestyle. My dom is my hisband and I want to serve him in the best way possible. Can any of you give me some hints and advice?

Thanks..
Surfergirl

< Message edited by surfergirl -- 5/19/2005 5:09:28 PM >

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RE: HOw can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 5:06:52 PM

Lordandmaster

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Honesty and obedience. Sounds simple, but it's not.

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RE: HOw can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 5:10:48 PM

surfergirl

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I am finding it most difficult to be obediant. I WANT to be obediant, but I feel like I am purpously fighting him, pushing him. IS this normal when starting out?

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RE: HOw can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 5:29:38 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Yes its very normal, you aren't secure with who you are, you aren't secure with his style in dealing with you and you've likely HAD to push people to dominate you in the past so it's an acquired habit you have to break now.

How to be a good sub? Be yourself, ask him what would most service his needs, what holes in your life could you fill? Educate yourself, real, go to school, keep things clean, do things that make you happy.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 5:46:03 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

Can any of you give me some hints and advice?

Be yourself.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 6:01:19 PM

Domcat

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Joined: 5/13/2005
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you are only human so you can only be the best you can be....p.s. stay out of the chats...lol

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 7:23:15 PM

fourpeas

Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
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I agree with the chat thing!

I think communication will take you a long way. I have only been doing this for oh, 2 months now, but as a newbie i can say that openly communicating about EVERYTHING, especially when neither of you are swept away by anger, will be amazing for you both.

BTW love your name, are you a Beach Boys fan?

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 7:48:29 PM

surfergirl

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Thanks for all the great replys!
Eveyone keeps saying communication ... but it seems to be he hardest thing right? lol!

thanks about my name.. no I am not a beach boys fan .. i really surf, and my nickname in high school was surfergirl.

< Message edited by surfergirl -- 5/19/2005 7:49:04 PM >

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 8:33:09 PM

junecleaver

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I've been in your situation before. I was just physically forced to do whatever it was I stupidly refused to do within the bounds of my limits. After that my mindset was in the right place and obedience mostly came naturally.

So my advice would be: listen and make sure you are in the right headspace to listen to him. Voice your concerns. If you are unable to take yourself into the right submissive mindset, perhaps asking him for helpful hints would be the way to go.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/19/2005 9:09:58 PM

surfergirl

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UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so bad!!

I just flipped him off and he caught me! Of course I was disciplined.

Why do I do such stupid things???

I love serving him but what is all this coming up against him stuff???

What I bone head I am!

(in reply to junecleaver)

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 1:09:48 AM

JustaDom

Posts: 84
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Resources have exploded in the last ten years. Now the question is almost where *don't* you go. There are dozens of books on BDSM and meetings in every major city, many minor ones and even some rural areas. As your profile states that you are in California, odds are you can find a munch (a meeting of group of fellow BDSM'ers) somewhere fairly near to you and your husband. I'd suggest starting there and talking to people face to face. Getting to know others and seeing them making it work can help you feel much more comfortable with yourself, which will help with your rebellious attitude.

There have been some great books written. A good general book for beginners is "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and can be purchased from any major online bookstore or from most kinky retailers if you want to keep your business within our community. Depending on what you want to focus on, there are books geared towards more specific activities and some concentrating on some very specific areas.

Some wonderful online resources are out there but it takes some doing and some knowledge to separate the wheat from the chaff.

As far as curbing your tendencies to misbehave, a combined approach of both of you learning about yourselves, each other and finding ways to work through it and improve will be what solves your problem. There is no quick fix; this will take work to do. When you have reached that point though, you'll see that it was well worth the work to put into it.

Try to find what triggers you to feel submissive around him. Being bound and feeling physically helpless can work psychological wonders for some people. Physical vulnerability for some people is there key to allowing themselves to be vulnerable in other areas. Maybe try some S&M play. You can take the initiative also to be of service to him -- cook and serve him breakfast in bed every weekend. Find your kinks and just have fun.

Also, seriously try to redirect your way of thinking about him. Does he really deserve to be flipped off? Probably not. I suggest trying to preempt actions like that by taking an active role in being submissive. You are going to get frustrated as you adapt, that’s a given. Instead of letting that frustration boil over, notice it as it starts to build and actively focus on his best qualities. Think back to that time he was so good when little Timmy or Alice fell down and skinned their knee, that time he surprised you with something special or something that he consistently does that benefits you both. Find those things about him, pause, and then do something to serve him. It’ll work a whole lot better than misbehaving and once you retrain your brain, you’ll see that you are sharing a lot more pleasant evenings.

I’m glad to hear that you both are taking these first steps. You’ll both do just fine, all you need is a little faith in each other, respectful communication and the desire to work towards improving yourselves and this new aspect of your relationship.

I wish you both the best of luck and please feel free to keep us posted on how you're progressing.

Joe

(in reply to surfergirl)

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 9:07:48 AM

sub4hire

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I have to ask, since it isn't a new relationship. You already have quite the relationship with him. Why do you have an issue with disobedience?
Is it because he is taking on a new role for you? Do you respect him 100%. Do you know that he would never do anything to hurt you in any way?
Do you want to be disciplined? Apparently you both have just found the lifestyle.
It probably is exciting to be spanked and tied up? Everything else associated with it?

Could you be doing these things to warrant punishment for yourself?

I know I'm full of questions, but I've seen the same situation over and over with new people. So, just asking to get you thinking.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 10:57:38 AM

funandfeistysub4

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A Sub is always growing and learning. As is a Dom. It is a dance as with any relationship, but the D/s relationship starts with the mind and follows through to the erotic soul. How can you be a great sub? Communication, education, asking questions. Be respectful always of your Dom and yourself. Ask yourself "Will this make my Dom happy?" "Is this behavior, action, whatever something My Dom would approve of?"
Submission is not a lock box on your personality or your being. It does not negate who you are. It should always enhance you and make you a better person all around.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 2:38:27 PM

Lepidoptera

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Joined: 4/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: surfergirl

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so bad!!

I just flipped him off and he caught me! Of course I was disciplined.

Why do I do such stupid things???

I love serving him but what is all this coming up against him stuff???

What I bone head I am!

Maybe you subconciously wanted to be beaten.

(in reply to surfergirl)

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 3:02:44 PM

stormsfate

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

Do you respect him 100%.

This would be my first question, too. You flipped him off????? Wow.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 3:42:11 PM

surfergirl

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Joined: 5/19/2005
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I WANT to respect him 100% he has never given me a reason not too.
We have beent ogether 14 years, so trust is not an issue at all, 100% trust.

I am just nutty I guess???!!!

I think that I want the attention, does that make any sense? I'm not gettin it for mbeing the boss anymore (which I have been for most if not all of our marriage) so thats allI can come up with.

What do you all think??? And no I do not desire to be a top not even secretly... it holds NO appeal to me at all.. I am a total masachist and don't enjoy causing pain to anyone.. i am jsut bossy LOL!

Thanks for all the great responses! I do appreciate them and am sure my Sir will as well!

(in reply to stormsfate)

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 3:53:39 PM

sub4hire

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quote:

I think that I want the attention, does that make any sense? I'm not gettin it for mbeing the boss anymore (which I have been for most if not all of our marriage) so thats allI can come up with.

Hey that is one of my question's answered. So the only way to punish is not to give attention.

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 4:37:06 PM

FangsNfeet

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You ask us how you can be a great sub. I ask you what how can your hubbie be a great Dom?

I suggest that you try having him read the message boards and do research and S&M himself. Read books together, go to munches together, and always be willing to try new things. Check out sex stores, pick out toys, and mabye do something naughty every now and then such as not washing the dishes and when caught on it reply "Yeah, I've been bad, are you gonna spank me?"

As he leads you into submission you can lead him into domination.
Best of luck with your life together,

Sincer,
fnf

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 5/20/2005 4:38:11 PM >

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 5:01:31 PM

Isolde

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Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
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I don't know how much this would help or even if it'll be appropriate to your living arrangements (this might not be suitable to do in front of children, etc. depending on your comfort level) but in my roving hither and yon in search of information, I stumbled across a little essay by a woman who had 'sassy impulse control issues'. It was either on these boards or on LiveJournal.

She would talk back, snap at the man she called her Master, cuss at him, etc. She hated doing it afterwards but couldn't seem to help herself until, every time she felt herself on the verge of doing something like that, she'd drop to her knees. She'd just kneel, wherever they were, whatever they were doing.

From what she described, not only did it usually jar her enough that she had a few seconds to regain control of her reaction but it would also usually place her in a more submissive mindset. As she described it, it's hard to get pissy about being forced to your knees in front of your Master when you've put yourself there (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea. :) ).

After that, she said she found it much easier to control her actions towards him. It didn't take away how she felt about certain things (she'd still be annoyed about something, for instance) but it did help her to control how she acted on that feeling.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

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RE: How can I be a great sub? - 5/20/2005 5:04:58 PM

surfergirl

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/19/2005
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quote:

don't know how much this would help or even if it'll be appropriate to your living arrangements (this might not be suitable to do in front of children, etc. depending on your comfort level) but in my roving hither and yon in search of information, I stumbled across a little essay by a woman who had 'sassy impulse control issues'. It was either on these boards or on LiveJournal.

She would talk back, snap at the man she called her Master, cuss at him, etc. She hated doing it afterwards but couldn't seem to help herself until, every time she felt herself on the verge of doing something like that, she'd drop to her knees. She'd just kneel, wherever they were, whatever they were doing.

From what she described, not only did it usually jar her enough that she had a few seconds to regain control of her reaction but it would also usually place her in a more submissive mindset. As she described it, it's hard to get pissy about being forced to your knees in front of your Master when you've put yourself there (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea. :) ).

After that, she said she found it much easier to control her actions towards him. It didn't take away how she felt about certain things (she'd still be annoyed about something, for instance) but it did help her to control how she acted on that feeling.

Great Idea!!!!!

(in reply to Isolde)

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