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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:04:32 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:05:48 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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New Recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:07:42 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Another Drunk Driver
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:16:01 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Minimal Damage
This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal."
She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"
He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield."
"How much damage did it do?" she asked.
"Minimal, however I did get a ticket."
"A ticket how did you get that?"
"Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket."
"What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?"
"No, for flipping him the bird!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:30:44 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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The Irishman And The Cop
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yes, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "Oh, gosh me golly, they stole me girlfriend, too!!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 12:47:32 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:24:38 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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The Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:26:57 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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The Sheriff & Billy-Bob
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'....
I guess I'm the first one here!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:37:52 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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K-9 Unit
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:45:38 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:49:47 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Blonde Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:52:07 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Murdered
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:53:15 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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THE F.B.I.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:54:18 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Sarge
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 1:55:22 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 2:06:04 PM

onmykneesforhim

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This hot blonde was tearing down the street at 90mph and a rookie cop pulls her over. He calls in the license and tag in over the station. A couple minutes later he is told to give her back her license and stand by the window of her car and place his hand on his zipper. He did as he was told and the blonde said * Oh no not another breathalyzer..*s* omk

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 2:07:58 PM

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Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station. They have nothing to go on.......

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 2:11:02 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Prison Life Vs Full-Time Job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they only ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to wait in line and share the toilet.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and then inside bars.

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 2:18:51 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!"
The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady."
The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?

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RE: Cop Jokes - 6/7/2007 2:44:49 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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Biker
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Pittsburgh, to Philadelphia Pennsylvania.
He got as far as Altoona before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

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