quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin
To "LadyHeart"
The deal initially was opposite, she would have me wear it when she wasn't around to to have the control over me when she wasn't around. Only wearing it inside defies that point abit, cause that would mean that I who spend most of my days around our house would have to have a key to it in case I need to go out. So that, from a controllperspective for her would be like me not wearing it at all./quote]


That may have been the initial deal, but if it isn't working it can be changed by mutual negotiation. Agreements aren't meant to be set in concrete. It doesn't have to become a power struggle. I observe that your Mistress is posting on the same topic in the Mistresses forum. I made the same observation to her - that you are genuinely unhappy, you wish to please, but this particular toy isn't working the way either of you expected it to. You can still reach a compromise here. Where there's a will there's a way.
My thoughts are with you both.
:))
LH

< Message edited by LadyHeart -- 6/8/2007 9:24:52 PM >

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to zavalfuin)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zavalfuin
My issue is that it in my feeling cripples my "normal life" outside the sexual. I find my confidence and selfesteem about going outside vanishing slowly, I do not want to go outside, I want to stay inside, secluded and secure. I know that it isn't necessarily visible or in any other way obvious to other people, but that has never either been a part of the dispute. The dispute revolves what mental effects it has on my overall personality outside our sexual interactions and that it keeps me from living a part of my life I love too much to give up.

I've read your Mistress' post in the "Ask a Mistress Forum" and came here specifically to find yours to see if I could learn more and perhaps provide some suggestions to you in the process.  My first suggestion is that if you haven't already done so, that you discuss these feelings in detail with your Mistress, and also search within yourself as to why they are there. 

Obviously, I don't know you, but I suspect you may have some kind of fear about others discovering that you have given control of your sexuality to your Mistress and that may be at the root of your fear of going outside.  There may also be some kind of shame you have which you associate with wanting to give this control to your Mistress.  The term "pussy whipped" comes to mind, as was often used by others to derrogatorally describe a man who let his girl friend or wife control him in my day.  Perhaps you may have some kind of fear along these lines?  I really can't say either way.  It's something that only you will know inside and will need to decide for yourself if you wish to continue to have that fear or instead decide to be proud of being the submissive man that you are toward the woman that you love.

quote:


Aside from the allready mentioned general effects of not wanting to leave the apartment/house to go out it involves not being able to jog/run, this to a physical degree since the belt obviously isn't made for that sort of sudden bouncing or high-speed movement without pinching, restricting certain movement or in other ways causing discomfort.

Having raced bicycles in days gone by, I can relate to the predicament you describe, although I've never worn a CB-2000 and had to contend with how this affected my ability to train.  It seems to me that if you want to please your Mistress, that the simplest thing here would be to alter your routine of when you run.  So, if it's important to her that you wear it, then arrange a time for you to run when she is home to unlock you so you can run at that time.  In doing so, she loses your service as her submissive during that block of time, but also gains the sense of empowerment that your wearing the device gives her when she's away from home.  Perhaps that might be a compromise that both of you could live with?  Could you perhaps get up extra early in the morning and run at a time before she leaves for work?  I don't know how long or often that you run, but these are ideas I'm just tossing out to help you find your own points from which to compromise.

quote:


Being able to go to a gym to workout, something that I could not bear wearing the belt. I wouldn't put myself in that situation. There's also more mental effects, I have a really hard time to relax or to recharge my batteries due to the stress or uneasiness it causes me in overall interactions with the world.

Okay, I have to say that I think this is more related to what I said initially and not what I said about running.  It seems to me that its about a fear of being discovered wearing a device where your wife controls your sexuality while in the gym.    To me, that's an issue that you will eventually need to deal with if you're to continue in this lifestyle.  Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life living in shame of who you actually are on the inside along with the fear.  Give up that fear of being discovered and any shame about being submissive to your Mistress, and you'll feel a great weight being lifted from your shoulders. 

A good jockstrap should hide the CB2000 and still allow you to work-out from what I've understood from reading the experiences of others (try the well know chastity discussion & device review site whose name escapes me at the moment).  But if you feel it's more a case of being similar to running, then perhaps approach her from that point of view.  As to the stress you're feeling, perhaps you simply need to ease into wearing the chastity device a bit slower.  I believe I understood you to be wearing it during the work week, but not at night.  Perhaps you need to start 1 day per week and then add an additional day each week to help you ease into it more gradually.  That's just a suggestion, and only the two of you can decide what works best for you. 

I'd compare it to jumping into to the deep end of the pool while learning to swim vs. starting at the shallow end and slowly or progressively working your way toward the deeper end.  You put yourself in a "sink or swim" situation and found it didn't work for you.  Now it's time to talk to your Mistress and have the two of you re-think your strategy on how to reach your mutually desired goals.

quote:


Worth mentioning might be that it was me who got us the chastitybelt as a surprise, and I know by giving her the belt she felt empowered and now when I'm going back on that she feels disempowered. I can understand the easy logic in that, but I'm also the kind of person that if I don't have certain freedom I cannot give in and give that power to someone else either. Unconditional surrender was never within my ability to give.

This has the last week left us at somewhat of an impass, and it is causing great stress on the base of our relationship. Is there any other ways to give her that feeling of power? Is there ways of substituting the powerexchange of a chastity belt? Am I being too sensitive? Do I have a right to to react and set certain boundaries, and even if I have, how can I possibly find any peace in that knowing that it is a dissapointment to her? I'd be glad for any helpful suggestion or perspectives I can get. It doesn't necessarily need to be advice, just give your opinion and I'll be happy for that.

To my way of thinking, all submissives have rights, and each relationship between Domme and sub is unique to them.  They're entirely negotiable and will change with time as circumstances change.  You're feelings are real, and for that reason alone, that makes them valid for now.  Understanding them is the key to your growth as a man and the growth of your relationship with your Mistress.  Its her responsibility to understand her own feelings and be responsible for them as well.  She can't read your mind and obviously you can't read hers either (as much as we might like to think otherwise).  Communication is always going to be the key!  If both of you know how you feel, and hopefully why you feel the way that you do, it's much more likely that you'll be able to find a solution that will satisfy both of your needs.

For her to help you, and vice versa, you need to begin by being totally honest with her about your thoughts and feelings.  I think that's something that every Dominant deserves from their submissive.  A D/s relationship can't exist without it and quite honestly, most others can't survive very well either!  Once you begin to talk openly and perhaps offer some alternatives or "try to think outside the box", I'm confident that the two of you can work something out that will indeed create a "win-win" situation.  No one likes to feel as though they've "lost", especially when it comes to a Domme (trust me on that one!).  But, it she loves you, as I think she does based on her post, she'll be happy to find some common ground where both of you can feel happy and move forward from there.

I hope this has given you something to think about and provided some useful suggestions.