RE: Why not your wife?

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/2/2005 1:17:04 PM

Emmmrld

Posts: 57
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: Las Vegas, Nevada
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This is a very interesting question.

I have several married friends.

One couple, heterosexual, and she brought up kink to him. They both tried to dominate/submit to the other and discovered she is kinky and he is not. She happens to also bi-sexual. So she does kink with women, and he's ok with that.

I know another couple who he is dominant and she is submissive and they tried playing together. The couldn't find a way to make the dynamic work for them as well as being partners who had children. So they each play with someone else.

I know yet another couple who she started as a sub, met him - turned domme they married. She's now decided that she prefers more submissive stuff and he has wanted to be more dominant - but not really with each other. So they play with others. She's more into casual as well as a steady partner. He's more into connection and long term.

Honetsly I don't think there is a hard and fast rule that will work for all couples. I think that it takes having the courage to be able to communicate your wants/desires/needs and hearing that either you or your partner is not able to fullfill those needs and how to make things work for the two of you.

Em

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/2/2005 3:19:36 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
When you are so close to someone and have seen them in a certain way all those years, is it hard for YOU to get into the idea that she could "become" that Mistress, or femdom that you think about? <snip>
Or is it the exact opposite, because of the closeness you share, and that the BDSM dynamic would be fresh and new?

For me it was the latter. My ex-wife was sexy as a vanilla and having her top me would have been adding spices to what was already enjoyable. But it was a role she did not enjoy and preferred that I top her. <sigh>

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/4/2005 7:09:08 PM

jade1800

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/7/2005
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I only found out about this life style less than a year ago so i dont know if my opinion counts but my husband could never let me top him, believe me even though i consider myself a sub for the most part, ive tried and he just doesnt like it a bit, boys are raised to be "manly" and to have your wife top you unless thats the way the relationship started is to humiliating for them i believe. If my hubby wanted a femdom that would be fine as long as ours was considered in the mix as the primary relationship

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/4/2005 11:23:11 PM

suberic101

Posts: 84
Joined: 5/12/2005
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I think that when married couples are able to work this out, it is for the best. Like some have pointed out, just 'introduce' certain aspects and see how things go from there.

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/5/2005 6:49:20 AM

His1desire

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Personally, I couldn't scene with my husband as he has no Dom characteristics at all. He is submissive, passive and lacks the confidence to explore this outside the marriage with me. While he is open to trying almost anything with me one on one, he is not adventurous enough to bring outside parties into the picture. We have tried "scening" together and it just doesn't work. He has several positive personal characteristics which endears me to him but he will NEVER, EVER be into this lifestyle.

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/5/2005 9:38:01 AM

mrbear80229

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/22/2004
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It's sad to see people who are so torn by such powerful desires..And it takes a great deal of courage to broach the subject with someone you love. But I think that failing to do so will be as likely to damage the relationship as acting upon those needs without communication with ones partner about those needs.

I've seen a number of posts and articles on this subject..Most mention open and honest comunication, and taking "baby steps" to open the discussion. My 1st wife and I tried to go this route...until we found out we were both submissive...When the "Dom of her dreams" swept her off her feet, our marrage was dead and I didn't even know it..

Risky as hell but worth the payoff in maintaining the relationship..OR Worth the pain to be free to become who you are inside.

This is also a case where seeing a reputiable professional Dominatrix can be a way to save a relationship..but again the it has to be a open and honest situation with the spouse.

My 13 peso's worth

Kuma

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/5/2005 10:16:34 AM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrbear80229
This is also a case where seeing a reputiable professional Dominatrix can be a way to save a relationship..but again the it has to be a open and honest situation with the spouse.

Yes, this can be a way of meeting the sub's needs while helping to allay the wife's anxiety about infidelity. The two can meet and the wife can be assured that what will happen will be totally non-sexual.

This is much what happened in my marriage (although not with a pro-domme). But I do think that introducing a third party weakened our marriage to a degree - that my ex-wife resented the time I spent with my domme.

The option of going outside the marriage, I think, is a risky one. But yes, I can see how it might work to save a marriage which might split otherwise from the pressure to submit.

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RE: Why not your wife? - 6/5/2005 9:20:25 PM

Lepidoptera

Posts: 161
Joined: 4/14/2005
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I really believe this is a similar sitation that occured in history where a straight woman would unwittingly marry a gay man. He married her to fit into society, and maybe he liked her on a personal level, but she could not satisfy his sexuality.

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Post #: 28