Collars for subs & Dommes?

Collars for subs & Dommes? (Full Version)

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NightVIne -> Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 4:58:39 PM)
Newbie has a couple of collar questions: I have received some conflicting information from several people I know. One group says if a woman goes out by herself wearing a collar, she's an available sub, and if with her Dom, she may be lent out. The other group says it means she's taken, and being lent out depends on her and Dom's contract and not the collar being worn out. Others say it's context and may just be a fashion statement like all the Goth chicks. So which is it or does it depend on the area you're in? So then the next topic that caused differing ideas was could there be Domme vs sub collars? I found an adorable large dog collar at a pet shop that's black with rhinestones and had a paw charm hanging from it. I found a silver charm that says ALPHA BITCH which I switched out with the paw charm. I wore it out as part of an outfit, and nobody was responding to me as anything but Domme with that on because of the charm vs it being an attatchment point. Some of this gets so confusing and hints of the whole what's politically correct stuff I hate.

Laura -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 7:31:54 PM)
My understanding was that a collar meant you were owned. I would still assume the same whether a collared person was out alone or with a partner, male or female. I would also assume the person was a sub or slave, no matter what charm/ slogan was attached to the collar. To me a Dom collars a sub or a Top collars a bottom/ slave. Using it as a decoration just causes it to lose it's meaning. No wonder it is getting confusing when it is being worn as a toy rather than a symbol of committment.

Lashra -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 7:36:07 PM)
Wear what you want to wear. Most people will be able to tell that your Domme by your presence, body language and voice. I've seen collars with "Mistress", "Goddess" and "Queen Bitch" on them so if its your thing wear it, I think they look nice. ~Lashra

Laura -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 7:43:04 PM)
I would say wear what you want about most things. But not something like a collar. I think of it like having Christmas every day. If everyday was Christmas it wouldn't be special. It would become just any other day, nothing to look forward to, nothing to celebrate and nothing to honour the old traditions and family and spirituality. A collar is not the same as Christmas. But, like Christmas it should be special. If it isn't, then what is the point? It just loses all meaning and becomes just a pointless decoration. We are all losing something that way.

thetammyjo -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 8:04:20 PM)
If I dominant is wearing something around her neck I would never consider that a collar. Call me old fashioned or narrow minded but I see collars as sub/bottom/slave jewelry only and when I see someone wearing one I automatically assume they are in one of these groups.

Laura -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 8:13:37 PM)
How do you know someone is a Dominant? Not trying to poke at you, just something interesting to blab about in the forum. Myself, I am a Domme but I don't wear fetish clothes or revealing stuff or anything you would see in drawings of Dominant women. I wear what I like and usually that is some kind of pants and a sweater. I don't wear jewellry of any kind. Sometimes I am chatty and lead the group but I can also be quiet and enjoy my own company. I've been to munches where no one knew I was a Domme. I didn't mind anyone asking. Seems to me that is the only way to really know.

undergroundsea -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 8:58:54 PM)
I am with the wear-what-you-wish camp. I liken a collar to a ring--what a ring means depends on the ring. If I see a collar on someone, it could be a symbol of commitment, a flag (for an interest in BDSM or submission), or a fashion accessory. Whether I wear a collar as an unattached sub or not, and the likelihood I give that a collar means commmitment depends on the environment. I am less likely to wear a collar at a lifestyle event that is big on protocols and more likely to wear one to a fetish night. While most people see a collar to be symbol of commitment, not everyone even active within BDSM (forget curious folks or newcomers at a fetish event) holds this perspective rigidly, as evident from the variety of opinions on this thread. I know of a femdom group that requires male subs a its parties to dress per a dress code: a collar, cuffs, and thong. The collar is to be worn by even unattached subs. I think a collar is a piece of information that could mean commitment. I would rely on other information as well before reaching a conclusion. While a collar is more often worn by submissives, I don't see that to be a hard and fast rule for the same reasons I give about commitment. If a domme wears a collar and yet wishes to flag she is a domme, she can do so with other accessories, outfit, behavior, or even style of collar. A collar with spikes or a collar with dominant lettering (Goddess, Obey Me, etc) on it can also serve towards such flagging. I don't see a collar itself to be sacred. I see a relationship that is sacred to be sacred. I don't think a sacred relationship derives its significance from the collar or even needs a collar; instead the collar that represents that relationship derives its significance from the relationship. Again, I liken it to a ring. What the ring means depends on the ring. Cheers, Sea

LadyHeart -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 9:43:54 PM)
This question sort of assumes that there is a Book of BDSM Rules out there. Turn to page 45, C for Collar, and there's the answer. It's not surprising that people get that idea, because others are always giving their opinions as though they are Holy Writ (Yes, I'm as guitly of it too!) It would perhaps be easier if there WAS a book of rules. But the truth is, there isn't a magic book, you have to write your own as you go along, and the sooner that light dawns, the better! A collar has the significance you place on it, no less no more, and other people aren't always going to see it your way. There's a chapter for you the book you are writing... happy scribbling... :)) LH

WyckedMystress -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/13/2007 10:47:14 PM)
wow there is a book of rules for BDSM For Me the collar is a symbol of ownership and if a Dom/me wears a collar it is nothing more than decoration. But whatever feels right for You is the thing to go with. if people have an issue with it then it sounds like their personal problem

Lashra -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 4:49:49 AM)
Interesting thought but I don't see it as losing something by wearing a collar, particulary if it does not have a ring on the front for a leash attachment. People use many ways of symbolizing their relationships whether they be collars, rings, tattoos, bracelets, anklets and the list goes on. To me the outward symbol isn't as important as what the two people feel between themselves. Most people can tell that I am Dominant right away without me having to say a word. I've been told its just "something" that I give off and the fact that I look people right in the eye when I speak to them. So my experience has been that most people can tell but your mileage may vary. But everyone has their own opinion and what maybe right for one, may not be for the other. ~Lashra

thetammyjo -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 6:27:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Laura How do you know someone is a Dominant? Not trying to poke at you, just something interesting to blab about in the forum. Myself, I am a Domme but I don't wear fetish clothes or revealing stuff or anything you would see in drawings of Dominant women. I wear what I like and usually that is some kind of pants and a sweater. I don't wear jewellry of any kind. Sometimes I am chatty and lead the group but I can also be quiet and enjoy my own company. I've been to munches where no one knew I was a Domme. I didn't mind anyone asking. Seems to me that is the only way to really know. I don't determine the scene role of someone based on clothing beyond a collar or flagging they do. Sadly, in my opinion, most people are clueless about flagging. However anyone wearing something that looks like a collar to me is automatically in my mind placed into the bottom side of the equation. Then if someone talks to me and I interact with them and it turns out they are just using a fashion statement or playing with the porn image of "domme in collar" then I would never say anything to them about the collar (unless they foolishly asked me) but I wouldn't have a very positive opinion of their accessory choices. I could easily find them very engaging and very positive as a person but I honestly would always see that "collar" as an oddity. The images I see of "dommes in collars" come from pornography and I personally see them as very telling. The "domme" is really an object of male (usually) fantasy in pornography. She dresses up to fulfill another person's idea of what is sexy and I read those "collars" as signals that even though she's holding the whip she is not truly in control, she's there to turn the viewer on and she will be discarded as soon as the orgasm has hit or he becomes bored with the image and moves onto some new object. This is my reading of what I see. It is not objective reality or some grand truth. This all feeds into my socio-cultural-political opinions as well. I expect zero people to agree with me.

DiannaVesta -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 9:10:01 AM)
lol this thread makes me laugh. I think that with fetish wear you wear what you want, however if I see a dominant wearing a "collar" this is a choker with a D or O ring then I'm thinking a) not dominant b) confused c) novice I remember before the internet I use to publish a femdom magazine and the publishers that actually printed it reserved the right to keep a few pages for their own ads. It was a constant battle because at first they would run these degrading ads that just didn't fit into a femdom venue. Girls sucking guys, etc. etc. 900 phone sex ads. So I tell them that they are not only wasting space but making the magazine look funny. So they created new ads with women wearing COLLARS whipping some guys ass with a caption saying, "Let me work on your body the way YOU want me to" They made me laugh so hard.

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 9:37:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta lol this thread makes me laugh. I think that with fetish wear you wear what you want, however if I see a dominant wearing a "collar" this is a choker with a D or O ring then I'm thinking a) not dominant b) confused c) novice I remember before the internet I use to publish a femdom magazine and the publishers that actually printed it reserved the right to keep a few pages for their own ads. It was a constant battle because at first they would run these degrading ads that just didn't fit into a femdom venue. Girls sucking guys, etc. etc. 900 phone sex ads. So I tell them that they are not only wasting space but making the magazine look funny. So they created new ads with women wearing COLLARS whipping some guys ass with a caption saying, "Let me work on your body the way YOU want me to" They made me laugh so hard. In my opinion collars are for submissives(or slaves or bottoms) and symbolize submission

DiannaVesta -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 9:46:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav quote: ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta lol this thread makes me laugh. I think that with fetish wear you wear what you want, however if I see a dominant wearing a "collar" this is a choker with a D or O ring then I'm thinking a) not dominant b) confused c) novice I remember before the internet I use to publish a femdom magazine and the publishers that actually printed it reserved the right to keep a few pages for their own ads. It was a constant battle because at first they would run these degrading ads that just didn't fit into a femdom venue. Girls sucking guys, etc. etc. 900 phone sex ads. So I tell them that they are not only wasting space but making the magazine look funny. So they created new ads with women wearing COLLARS whipping some guys ass with a caption saying, "Let me work on your body the way YOU want me to" They made me laugh so hard. In my opinion collars are for submissives(or slaves or bottoms) and symbolize submission and I agree

TheShadows -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 1:21:33 PM)
I'm with Tammy. I feel that a collar is a symbol of submission/slavery. If I see some random person out at a lifestyle event wearing a collar, I assume they are bottom/sub/slave. I feel it's a fair assumtion, based on casual inspection and local custom. (Which can play a big role, as with flagging. Left vs Right and all that.) In vanilla public, I would assume the person to identify as goth/punk FIRST, THEN as a bottom/sub/slave in the lifestyle. As always, YMMV... ~MrsShadows~

littlesarbonn -> RE: Collars for subs & Dommes? (6/14/2007 6:36:46 PM)
In my hundreds of years of experience in the scene, whenever a submissive has worn a collar outside, it's usually (and that doesn't mean always) because he or she is owned by someone, not hunting for someone. At the same time, I'm sure there are many people, and I've met MANY, who wear collars for stylistic reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with ownership, and many (unfortunately, I discovered this the hard way the first few times) are not even into bdsm, or even acknowledge knowing what it is. As for dominants (some dominant women really don't like the term "Domme", so I'll just stick with dominant women for now), if she's wearing any type of collar, it usually resonates to me as fashion more than anything else. Someone may be confused BEFORE speaking to her, but if she's a dominant, it's going to be VERY apparent that she's not a submissive to anyone, unless she's trying to play that side of the fence of her own desire. Part of the thing to keep in mind is that there are so many segments of the community that seem to do their own thing but then project their own thing as something everyone else does, but they only know their own circles of experience and influence. Even within a community, you can have such variance, it would shock you, like the one time I was at a function where two dominant women almost got into a fist fight over whether or not the dominant should buy the collar, the submissive should buy it, the dominant should pick it out alone, or they should pick it out together. It was almost surreal, but it just shows that people have their own ways and sometimes try to institute normality upon everyone else around them. Others, they don't really care.

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