sub4hire
Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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This pretty much sums up a Dominant in my opinion.
BDSM Myths: Real Dominant or Real Asshole?
Some folks seem to have this image of dominants as people who always go around dressed in black leather, verbally abusing and haranguing everybody from store clerks to unsuspecting postal carriers to their next-door neighbors. While I do unfortunately know a few folks who act this way, I couldn't consider them responsible and in-control adults, let alone dominants.
In my personal kinky lexicon, "Dominant" does not translate to "Asshole". They are two entirely different concepts. People who are discourteous, inhospitable, insecure, rude, pushy, arrogant or nasty, playing power games in real life with nonconsenting others, do not strike me as potentially being responsible or safe dominants. They strike me as being insecure and possibly emotionally unstable, and more likely to behave abusively than responsibly if given any power.
Throwing toddler tantrums isn't proof of dominance. It's proof that you have no manners and maybe your childhood potty training was traumatic. It's not a good recommendation for people to want to play with you.
I don't agree with treating people differently on account of their sexuality. I think that it's generally a bad idea to discriminate against someone socially on the basis of what they do in bed with consenting adults. And that's why I get mad when people in our own community assume that it's okay to treat a submissive differently than they would treat a dominant in the same social context.
I'm not talking about consensual play, or places where it's clear that the participants consent to recognize each other's sexuality and interact that way. There are some hardcore leather MC's where the ground rules do include being treated socially the way you identify sexually, and you certainly don't have to go there if you don't consent.
I'm talking about ruder things. You know what I mean. Or if you don't, you're lucky. I'm talking about mixed-energy social situations in our community, where you can't assume that anyone there has consented to be treated in any special way. Cruising's cool, but it's nice to get a green light before you roar full speed on ahead with the dominance or submission. So don't call her "Mistress" or "Ma'am" or call him "slave" or "boy" until you're sure you know the orientation and sexual preference - or better yet, not until you get explicit consent.
And why not? Well, let's assume that I'm a heterosexual man. So, my orientation automatically gives me the right to act out my sexuality on every heterosexual woman, right? Slap your face if you answered yes. Some folks will get to feeling pretty uncomfy if a stranger starts acting out their sexuality with them, without so much as a hello-may-I, and even fairly light social roleplaying such as using BDSM titles can be interpreted as acting out your sexuality.
One occasionally and uncharitably wonders how some people ever got through their aforementioned potty training if they are still incapable of understanding that some behaviors are not generally appropriate in a social setting. A lack of basic impulse control and a need to act out your sexual role in inappropriate places with inappropriate people isn't a sign of studly Domliness so much as immaturity, boorishness, social cluelessness or possibly mental illness.
Don't mistake me for Mistress Manners. When I say "inappropriate", I don't mean something that would shock your Aunt Ethel. I mean inappropriate as in, "the people you are acting out on are *not* consenting and do not want to play with you, but you are playing anyway." That's inappropriate.
You can most definitely be a real dominant while remaining courteous, gentlemanly (for studly-doms of either gender) or ladylike (for femme-doms of either gender) to your fellow community members of all orientations. And as mean as you wanna be to your consenting subs, of course.
There's plenty of consenting people in the world, and even some places where you can assume a general level of group consent. There's also people and places where you can't, so please save the domination and submission for the folks who do consent and will appreciate it. If in doubt as to the rules where you are, ask at the door.
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