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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 7:14:23 AM

yrstocollar

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I have met quite a few people here that I would consider friends, even if only for a short while, but the level of intimacy when you're writing can be deceiving so I'm yet to see if it would continue if we met face to face. I have to say though that it is easier to meet people here that I may never consider pursuing a friendship with in "the real world" due to differences like age or the fact that we wouldn't have crossed paths regularly enough to maintain a relationship.

I use the "looking for friends only" box because I want to be open and honest about what I'm here for and try and discourage people from setting themselves up for disappointment if they message me only with the intention of sex. Unfortunately some people will never learn... also unfortunately it usually seems to be guys which means I am a little more wary of their approaches...

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 7:40:55 AM

lighthearted

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thanks for the interesting thread, cb...

I've found my search for friends here to be similar to a lot of peoples' experiences. like someone else mentioned, once they figure out that "friends only" doesn't mean, "friends only until I can either get into your pants or give up", the "friendship" ends. oftentimes I'm reminded of that line from "When Harry Met Sally", when Harry does his bit about how men and women can't be "just friends"...but I don't think it applies to all males. my best friend is a guy, we have known each other since 4th grade and never had any of "that" kind of attraction for each other.

of the people I've developed online friendships with, they are both men. one is further away, about 6 hrs drive, so chances are, we won't meet in person in the near future. the other is actually quite close, and ironically graduated from the same college I did in the same year, we were just different majors. the school is small enough that our paths may have crossed, but they never did. we both hope to meet in the future, sometime, when our schedules allow.

trying to develop friendships here has taught me a few things, but primarily that I'm not capable of sustaining an online friendship for a long term without the possibility of spending some real time with the other person. I devote a lot of energy to my friendships, and that includes spending time with friends doing things we enjoy together, exclusively vanilla things. I connect best with people in person. that's not to say others connect better online, on the phone, whatever, but just that I do it best in person, and that's what I need to maintain a healthy friendship.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 7:45:20 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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whoever told you that men and women can't be friends lied to you. i have more guy friends in BDSM and vanilla because i find men are easier to talk to and give better advice than women - my personal opinion. my male friends are subs/slaves, Doms, as well as switches.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 8:54:16 AM

RCdc

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Men and women definitely can be friends, and I have several very good female friends who would verify this. Some I have known for many years, a couple are ex-partners, and some I have never met face to face, but all of them are most definitely people who I know I could call on if I really needed to, which for me is the sign of a true friendship. If you can call a person at 3am, and they are happy for you to do so in an emergency (emotional, physical, or otherwise) then they are a friend. (And this works vice versa too, of course.)

I also don't think you have to have met someone face to face to become good friends. As .dark. mentioned, we recently met up with a friend of mine from Montreal who I have known online for five or six years now. Our friendship began through a mutual love of horror movies, I became (and still am) a Mod on his site, we've exchanged numerous emails over the years, and I even wrote some music for a movie he wrote and starred in last year before we finally met this year. Even though we had never even so much as spoken to each other, he, I, .dark. and his brother had a blast for the weekend, as if we'd known each other all our lives, because John and I had gotten to know each other so well just through the written medium.

It's true, though, there are men (and women too) who cannot conceive of a friendship with the opposite sex without doing the nasty, and that really is their loss. I personally find it refreshing to be able to sit and have a beer, or coffee, with a female friend and enjoy shooting the breeze. Though there are the obvious biological differences, there is no difference whether I'm doing this with a male friend or a female friend.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 9:12:57 AM

MistressNoName

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I am for sure not the best one to respond to this, but it caught my eye. I try to be as simple as possible, though I know I don't always succeed. To me, a friend is a friend. Doesn't matter what gender or orientation. But my experience has been that it is much more difficult to form lasting connections online. It seems that people are much more likely to have their guard up on line and believe that you are ingenuine - but take that statement with a grain of salt as I am still smarting from my latest online adventure. I think that as humans we are naturally self-protective and there is nothing wrong with that. But minus the facial, bodily cues that we get when we are face-to-face with someone, it is very difficult to really know where a person is coming from and very easy to assume all sorts of things. Our instincts can oft times be right on, but sometimes our imaginations can run wild and people can draw the most incorrect conclusions about others.

Anyhoo...that's my contribution.

MNN

< Message edited by MistressNoName -- 6/19/2007 9:15:08 AM >

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 9:58:38 AM

slaverosebeauty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
What have your experiences been? What does "friends only" mean to you? (Does it mean, "opposite gender, stay away!")

I have had positive and not so positive expereinces with 'friends only.' My page on here says I am looking to meet friends and keep in touch with others. I have met people who I was 'friends only' with and we still talk and the like, its not that hard for me. I kidna get blinders on at times, especially when I am in a relationship. I have guy frineds who are 'ONLY' friends, no sexual attraction and others who are past lovers, but int he end we made better friends than lovers or partners.

quote:

Have any of you pushed a friendly email correspondence into a solid friendship? Have you done it across the gender line? How have you succeeded or failed?

MJ an I have known eachother for years, we have been 'friends' and 'combatants' at times through those years. Emails, IMs, Phone calls and now, physical M/s partners in a healthy relationship. When we met a few weeks ago it was as 'friends.' We KNEW their was some attraction there, yet, we decided to let things happen as they were meant to happen. MJ an I are friends, we are also much more.

I don't believe in failture, because, if you try then you have not failed, you have tried and learned.

I do have friends that I care for and about, who have seen me through hell and highwater the last few years, they were there for me on IM or on the phone late into the night as I cried and yelled and faced things that were in my path. Do I consider those people friends; definatly, do I consider many on the boards friends, nope; a few people I have high regard for and others not so high regard, but few people on here I would use the term 'friend' for.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 10:47:21 AM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Anyway, as a result, I've kind of given up my pursuit of friends across the gender line here. (Not completely, but as you can imagine, pursuing friends burns energy, and if you turn up empty in the end, sometimes you just run out of that energy, that belief.)

What have your experiences been? What does "friends only" mean to you? (Does it mean, "opposite gender, stay away!")

Thoughts and comments appreciated.

Have any of you pushed a friendly email correspondence into a solid friendship? Have you done it across the gender line? How have you succeeded or failed?

I find that I gravitate more towards men for friendships, and I have male and female tops as friends. I think as long as its clear what the relationship is and what it isn't there really isn't a problem with having people of different genders and orientations as friends. Interestingly enough the only friend I've had sex with is a good female friend I have. I think chances are we'll have sex again sometime in the future, but if we don't its no big deal we are still very good friends.

C~

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 2:56:11 PM

littlesarbonn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

whoever told you that men and women can't be friends lied to you. i have more guy friends in BDSM and vanilla because i find men are easier to talk to and give better advice than women - my personal opinion. my male friends are subs/slaves, Doms, as well as switches.

I noticed an interesting trend while doing some survey research on users of Myspace. Women tended to believe they had more male friends than men believed they had female friends. We managed to also quantify those who perceived each other as friends, and in MASSIVE numbers, the women claimed to be friends with the same guys who did not perceive the women to be friends.

This led me to suspect that perhaps it's somewhat of a gender perspective on who considers friendships and who does not. In subsequent interviews, what I saw as a trend was that the males who were not claiming friendships were under the impression that the "friendships" had the potential to be more than friendships. The women in those relationships were more likely to be satisfied with friendships and had no desire to pursue further.

I honestly believe that both sides went into such "friendships" with separate types of blinders. Guys put on blinders believing the friendships to lead to something deeper. Women put on blinders, believing the friendships to be stabilized with the perception that both parties were satisfied and keeping it that way.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 7:51:47 PM

Aubre

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I only want to be friends, it is where I am in my life. I like talking to people and discussing shared interests, but I also want to be careful not to lead someone on, which ironically doesn't let me get close as I'd like to be. When people find out I only want to be friends, a lot of times they no longer want to talk to me, and that's fine.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 8:45:46 PM

cloudboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPaige

I don't know about other women's experiences, but I've found that once men realize they don't have a chance at a relationship, they lose interest in being "just friends". Which is a shame because outside of the lifestyle, I get along with men much better than women.

Yes, I have heard this about men, which is that they don't really want friendship with women. I think this generality holds some water.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 8:48:51 PM

cloudboy

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I agree that CM opposite gender friendships are going to have a flirtatous element to them, and I suppose the trick is being fun and engaging without crossing the Najackcharmer line (unwanted passes and advances.)

I agree that the sexual tensions makes things more interesting, more complicated, and who knows, maybe somewhat impossible.

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RE: "Friends Only" - 6/19/2007 9:16:24 PM

cloudboy

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This is just a general response to everyone. Although it may have come across so, I'm not unhappy about my CM experience. I've just been reexamining the "friends only" goal. As it existed firstly, I just wanted to connect with other people. Beyond that, its so helpful to have kink friends with whom you can confide about "what's going on."

(Needless to say in a backwards from marriage, poly, BDSM situation like I'm in, something is always going on.)

----

As for the thread:

What friendship is to me is: caring (giving a shit), connecting (sharing an interest and POV), fun (liking one another) and support. I think one can fire on these cylanders in cyberspace, on the phone, or of course more ideally, in person. Things just have to allign.

Even though my friendship quest with Fs has been complicated, it has been very rewarding and interesting. I have no regrets and suffer no bitterness.

As a parting thing, as some women have noted: men aren't so interested in a taken woman -- I think the reverse is somewhat true too --- that women aren't so interested in a taken man.

Anyway, I truly believe that individuals can carve out a myraid of friendship paths if they want to. It just requires a little bit of celestial allignment, openess, good will, trust, respect, liking, managable sexual tension, similar tastes in books, films, and music, good manners, a sense of humor, the ability to listen, some sense of empathy, tact, sensitivity, curiosity, playfulness, reasonable edginess, and a few other things......

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