RE: Loving one but having relations with others

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LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/19/2007 6:23:00 PM)
At this point I'm not really sure what you are after or what your inner turmoil is really- but you seem to be getting some resonance from Kyra and other posters so hopefully they can help.

SubtleDifference -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/19/2007 6:51:53 PM)
This December my husband and I will celebrate 23 years of marriage. He is my best friend. He is also the best lover I will ever have in my life. No man can ever learn my body, my mind as well as he has after 23 years, nor will any woman learn his as well as I have learned it. Getting married at such a young age (19 years old), I came into my own sexually throughout our marriage. During that time I began to understand my own needs better. We discussed issues of monogamy, fidelity, sexuality throughout those years. Though neither one of us logically felt that sexual monogamy was a fit for us, but it never moved beyond discussion until 2 years ago. One day I heard a discussion from a sexual psychologist who talked about fidelty. He asked a group of women if they remembered the rush of a first kiss, touch or the excitement of discovery of a new partner. Of course the women all cooed with ahs at the memories. Then he said something that resonated through me. He said why would you deny the person you love the most an opportunity to experience that rush again just because he can no longer experience it with you or you with him. It doesn't take away from your love and dedication, you only offer each other the opportunity to keep that awareness of the rush of discovery. For some reason this effected me a great deal. I felt as if it all made sense. I can't explain why it did. After much discussion and understanding we decided to allow the other to experience that 'rush'. Figuratively speaking, we are monogamous to each other in love, intensity, passion, life. But we allowed each other to be 'borrowed'. For a really bad analogy... Like a library book...you can borrow it, enjoy it as if it is your own, read it as many times as you like but you must return it in the same condition you received it. It is something that works well for us. I believe it works well because of the communication, dedication and respect we have for each other as people not just as spouses.

imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/19/2007 6:52:55 PM)
Thankyou LA...i appreciate that...these forums have been a very useful tool to me... there are some very nice people on here...

Texy -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/19/2007 10:59:49 PM)
To the Op, For me, sex does not mean emotional attachment, it can be loving and emotional and purely physical enjoyment or any combination of those. For me, sex does not mean that I want that person forever in my life, nor does sex mean that I want to plan a life around that person only. Love to me, on the other side of that coin, does mean attachment, a bonding of the mind and spirit, the physical and emotional and all the senses, that encompasses so much more than just the act of sex alone and does include a future life together. I was raised in a christian home, with one man and one woman and divorce was unacceptable. So my views were solidiified somewhere else. What I struggle with more than anything, is monogamy. Can I be monogamous? The answer is yes, but I do like sex more than one person, fullstop. I guess what I'm saying is while you are reading this to understand the thought process and emotion of having sex with others, I'm reading to understand the thought process and emotion of being sexually monogamous to just one person. Thanks for the thread!!!! gayle Edited for spelling, it's late and I'm off work! YAY.

HornyToadsMI -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/21/2007 10:57:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SubtleDifference This December my husband and I will celebrate 23 years of marriage. He is my best friend. He is also the best lover I will ever have in my life. No man can ever learn my body, my mind as well as he has after 23 years, nor will any woman learn his as well as I have learned it. Getting married at such a young age (19 years old), I came into my own sexually throughout our marriage. During that time I began to understand my own needs better. We discussed issues of monogamy, fidelity, sexuality throughout those years. Though neither one of us logically felt that sexual monogamy was a fit for us, but it never moved beyond discussion until 2 years ago. One day I heard a discussion from a sexual psychologist who talked about fidelty. He asked a group of women if they remembered the rush of a first kiss, touch or the excitement of discovery of a new partner. Of course the women all cooed with ahs at the memories. Then he said something that resonated through me. He said why would you deny the person you love the most an opportunity to experience that rush again just because he can no longer experience it with you or you with him. It doesn't take away from your love and dedication, you only offer each other the opportunity to keep that awareness of the rush of discovery. For some reason this effected me a great deal. I felt as if it all made sense. I can't explain why it did. After much discussion and understanding we decided to allow the other to experience that 'rush'. Figuratively speaking, we are monogamous to each other in love, intensity, passion, life. But we allowed each other to be 'borrowed'. For a really bad analogy... Like a library book...you can borrow it, enjoy it as if it is your own, read it as many times as you like but you must return it in the same condition you received it. It is something that works well for us. I believe it works well because of the communication, dedication and respect we have for each other as people not just as spouses. What a great analogy!!!! Our kink is in group sex. And that is all it is....just sex. I am not emotionally attached to my friends with benefits, other than great friends. I can be the notch in the bedpost type too (yes, I am female...screw em, leave em and go home with Him.). I have my true love, my soul mate, my Master, and I have no need for anyone else to fit that position (ok, bad pun.....lol) So, I can be good friends with the wives, the husbands, and I know that they are not out to steal my man either. Besides, Toad may be a lesbian (hahaha) but He doesn't have the feel of a woman.........which I also enjoy......

slaveish -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/21/2007 11:42:06 AM)
It seems a lot of the turmoil comes from "If he has sex with her, he will like her more than he likes me and I will lose him and I will lose this wonderful thing I have found (the relationship." We all want to be special, and thus it is difficult to come to terms with One's ability to connect with someone that he also believes is special. It can negate our self-worth. Not everyone has the "head" for polyamory, and not everyone should.

SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/21/2007 1:11:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this.... I didn't read all the posts so perhaps someone has already touched on this, if not then it may be a new perspective. If two people are in a monogamous relationship then they wouldn't be sleeping with others if we wish to be technical (on a semantics level). However, if we remove the word monogamous then you essentially have a possible cuckolding relationship. My personal experience and opinion is this. Far too many people confuse sexual pleasure with love when in fact they have little to do with one another. I can have a connection with someone and get sexual pleasure from them without loving or being in love with them. Just as I can love someone deeply and not be sexually fulfilled by them for a variety of reasons. The two are not always mutually connected. My loving someone doesn't change detrimentally just because I'm enjoying sexual pleasure with another. In fact, in my own past experience, that love has only grown deeper because he understood that this is a basic human need that didn't threaten the relationship/love we shared in any way. he understood that this was a need that he wasn't capable of providing. Of course there was open communication, awareness and consent involved. That being said there is a huge difference between sexual fidelity and emotional fidelity in my book. The latter is the line I won't cross. I do not become emotionally involved with whomever I'm seeing on a sexual pleasure only aspect. Their purpose is sexual pleasure. his purpose is a combination of everything else that makes up a loving relationship. If you need/want any further clarification or have questions you are welcome to email me on the other side.

kyraofMists -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 10:19:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav Wow...i think you and i are kindred spirits....it is my hope that i can develop like you have....my mind and heart are open so i'm hoping. Thanks for sharing this... My pleasure. I am of the opinion that people are not born or wired monogomous; it is not an inherent aspect of who we are. I think we are conditioned to be monogomous by society and our upbringing. Some people are happy that way but I have chosen a different path and I have to learn to undo all that conditioning that I have learned. Knight's Kyra

angelic -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 10:29:07 AM)
hi kyra, yet you are monogomous in your poly relationship. (At least that is what i have gleaned from reading yours, alandra's and Knight's posts).

SanDieganMichael -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 10:50:43 AM)
Into every life, some chaos must fall. One can argue that Human Beings are monogamous. While this may be the general and accepted rule of human civilization, it is not the case from many anthropological studies. One could site paper after paper pointing to one side or the other of the argument. It is difficult to be non-ethnocentric, so any paper on the subject by a sociologist, social anthropologist or religious figure will have a certain amount of bias included. How do you see the world? Do you not accept this because of your social conditioning? Why is this a curiosity for you? Are you feeling those urges, is your partner of choice? How honest are you with your partner? … with yourself? I spent three years in a monogamous relationship with a woman I loved. She loved me for the first two-and-half … both of us thought it was that forever kind of love. Needless to say we’ve since moved on … but while we were together. I noticed I seldom noticed women other than her. The ones I did were stunningly beautiful, or intriguing for other reasons. For the first two years we lead a low key D/s life, until she began to dream of adding a third partner. Even though she began the topic, and eventually invited a third to join us; it was also her own insecurities that lead that relationship to fall apart. What ever questions you have can only be answered by your own heart. Just be safe, be careful and communicate thoroughly with all involved. It may not stop a relationship, even a forever love kind of relationship from falling apart, but you will have fewer regrets if you are open and honest (most importantly with yourself).

SirDominic -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 10:57:50 AM)
My situation is like this, maybe I can explain how it works for me. I have been married to a wonderful woman for over 20 years. We are still in love, and best friends like when we first started. That is not to say it has always been a bed of roses. Like any long term couple there have been good times and bad times, but the core of how we feel for each other has never changed. I have a slave, another very special woman, and I love her very much as she does me. My wife knows, and the two of them have even met and are becoming friends! We are not poly, or swingers. When I am with my wife, she is the center of my world, and when I am with my slave she is the center of my world. They are two separate, loving relationships existing at the same time. It works because we believe when you love someone so very much, you want to see them happy. Marriage is not about possession. It's not about "This is mine, don't touch." (Although I know a lot of people see if that way) It is about two people walking the path of life together. If it helps one grow to take a side path for awhile, we insist we each take those side journeys, knowing that we always come back together on our path again. Honestly, I am baffled why so many see a conflict in this view of love. If you have children, can you love just one of them? And the rest have to just get by? Of course not, you love all your children, in their own ways, for who they are. If it works in that example, why not in an adult situation? We, as humans, have such a capacity for love, why restrict it to just one. If we are fortunate to have two loves in our life, or more, does any one of those loves trump the others? No, like with your children, you can love them all for who they are (although, personally, I think two is enough for me. Otherwise I would be exhausted!). Namaste, Sir Dominic

VeryMercurial -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:07:53 AM)
SirDominic, thank you for sharing with us. I have to respect you, because you are in a consensual relationship with both women. Many people that have relationships with more than one person, often are not doing it consensually.

WickedBDSM -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:15:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Actually most swingers and polyamorists are vanilla- only a minority are into kink/bdsm/Ds stuff. Most Swingers do not consider themselves as Vanilla. Even though, they may not be into the BDSM-D/s stuff, they consider their world to be very much "chocolate chip". And they call non-swingers Vanilla.

angelic -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:19:56 AM)
~fast reply~ i do not view what i am reading into the OP as poly. Like someone else said it is more 'swinging'. From what i've read and seen, most poly folks are absolutely monogomous in that relationship.

octavia -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:20:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic My situation is like this, maybe I can explain how it works for me. I have been married to a wonderful woman for over 20 years. We are still in love, and best friends like when we first started. That is not to say it has always been a bed of roses. Like any long term couple there have been good times and bad times, but the core of how we feel for each other has never changed. I have a slave, another very special woman, and I love her very much as she does me. My wife knows, and the two of them have even met and are becoming friends! We are not poly, or swingers. When I am with my wife, she is the center of my world, and when I am with my slave she is the center of my world. They are two separate, loving relationships existing at the same time. It works because we believe when you love someone so very much, you want to see them happy. Marriage is not about possession. It's not about "This is mine, don't touch." (Although I know a lot of people see if that way) It is about two people walking the path of life together. If it helps one grow to take a side path for awhile, we insist we each take those side journeys, knowing that we always come back together on our path again. Honestly, I am baffled why so many see a conflict in this view of love. If you have children, can you love just one of them? And the rest have to just get by? Of course not, you love all your children, in their own ways, for who they are. If it works in that example, why not in an adult situation? We, as humans, have such a capacity for love, why restrict it to just one. If we are fortunate to have two loves in our life, or more, does any one of those loves trump the others? No, like with your children, you can love them all for who they are (although, personally, I think two is enough for me. Otherwise I would be exhausted!). Namaste, Sir Dominic SirDominic, I mean absolutely no disrespect with this question. I am truely very curious. What you say about a parent loving all of their children rings true to me, as I have contemplated this many times myself and that same thought comes to my mind when I think about poly situations. The part that I am not able to reconcile however is that it is ok for you to love more than one, but do you feel the same way about your wife or your slave? If love is not about being possesive and saying "mine", then it would stand to reason that you would have no problem at all with them taking on other lovers as well, or having other men in there lives as you have in yours. I am very curious how you feel about this. octavia

kyraofMists -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:28:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelic hi kyra, yet you are monogomous in your poly relationship. (At least that is what i have gleaned from reading yours, alandra's and Knight's posts). I have sex with two people, him and Alandra. I love two people, him and Alandra. Therefore, I am not monogamous. I think the distinction is fidelity and not monogamy. I do not have sex or intimate relationships outside of our core family at this time. That will change in the future. He has allowed someone to touch me sexually a couple of times in the last two years and one day he will give me to someone else for sex. However, there is no rush for that to happen and he will do it when I am ready. Knight's Kyra

angelic -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 11:32:31 AM)
Perhaps i was confusing monogomy with fidelity. Much food for thought for me. Thank you

kyraofMists -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 12:27:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelic Perhaps i was confusing monogomy with fidelity. Much food for thought for me. Thank you My pleasure. Our family is actually rather complex and it is an open relationship. The three of us, me, Alandra and him, are the core. We are the primary relationship. He and Alandra have secondary relationships with Denika and her husband, Rob. They are extended family members to our house. Alandra and I can have sex or play with others with his permission. He can have sex or play with others whenever he wants to. Alandra has on ongoing sexual relationship with Rob and he plays with Denika whenever he decides. At this point in my life, there isn't someone that I am interested in being intimate with outside of him and Alandra. However, the door is open for all three of us to have sexual relationships outside of the core family; they are just at his discretion and not mine or Alandra's. What is closed is the emotional bond that we have. Emotionally we are not looking to fall in love with or have a deep commitment with someone outside of the three of us. Anyone who wanted to join the core family would have to connect with all three of us and the odds are against that happening. Knight's Kyra

macy -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 12:31:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav Is it possible to be in a monogamous loving relationship...but still want sex with others? Of course with both parties consent. I mean if you really love that person...and they are your "forever after"....how could you want to be with another?...I am sincerely interested if anyone has any insight on this.... I don't see why not. Sex itself has nothing to do with love per se; just as love has nothing to do with being sexually attracted to another. It's nice when you have both, but I don't see both being necessary to maintain a relationship.

angelic -> RE: Loving one but having relations with others (6/23/2007 12:50:02 PM)
krya thank you so much. You are correct in that i was using the word 'monogomy' wrong. i looked up both monogomous and fidelity and i was surprised, quite honestly. Just goes to show even when we think we are right, we may not always be. Thank you for the grace you showed in correcting me.

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