FuriousAngel
Posts: 102
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline
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Until today I haven’t encountered any thought original enough of nature to feel it was worth creating a thread for. What I am about to share has been inspired by some commentary I’ve seen posted about ‘today’s submissives’. I am aware that my expressions will be full of ‘holes’ in which those of you who are may seek to question or point out. I already know I will apply a labels here and there, speak of bdsm, and/or use expressions that are considered not politically correct in the lifestyle. Though I’m prepared for this, I do hope you are able to pick up on the message that I’m really trying to share.
I have no doubt that D/s has evolved considerably through the years, leaving a ‘bad taste’ in some of the more ‘serious player’s’ mouths. Yet, I can’t help but feel a quiet understanding and empathy when I see comments made about the seriousness of new submissives entering into this lifestyle. Having only been aware of D/s for about five or six years, I can’t nor will I claim to understand how it ‘used’ to be. What I can say with a fair degree of confidence is that newbies entering the lifestyle in today’s era are bombarded with a far more expansive array of knowledge, theories, views, conceptions, etc. than one entering the lifestyle twenty years ago.
I believe this is even more accurate when one takes into consideration the availability of information on the internet. Even in the mere two years of my ‘journey’ that I’ve spent online, I too, have watched new theories evolve, trends change, and ideas abandoned. My purpose is not to promote or dispute the education, theories, variety of approaches to the lifestyle, or D/s in general. My desire is to point out how overwhelming such a wide array of information can be for a new submissive when she finds the world online. I feel even more important than the wealth of information, but the depth of it can be extremely rattling for many of us.
To be frank, it is downright terrifying as we quickly realize that our freshly discovered realization is so much more complex than initially thought. When I discovered D/s online, I was very much what many of you today might categorize as a ‘wanna-be sub’. I’d always felt I was ‘old fashioned’ with regards to my beliefs that a woman should take care of the home and her man, and that he should be the head of the household, etc. I’d found out along the way that I also craved to be tied up, spanked and all that lovely jazz in between. After much trial and error I’d come to embrace and understand that I was a submissive. In my mind it was all so very simple!
The only ‘problem’ was finding others like me; as I truly believed I was part of some secret society. One late evening, introduce … D/s online! I stared in awe and fascination as I quickly realized that my desires were not so secret or rare after all. It was also the night I kissed my ‘theory’ of simplicity good bye. I went from a ‘submissive’ seeking a Dom who I would tell me to not wear panties, I’d keep house, cater to him, he’d tie me up, spank me, I’d adore him and we’d live happily ever after. Boy, was I wrong! This description I just shared is what D/s represented to me, a new submissive with no real knowledge of the lifestyle.
Suddenly, I’m surrounded by profiles, sites, chat rooms, and forums talking about Dominants chaining subs up, dropping wax all over them, calling them vile names and carving designs into their back! I find out that it’s not so simple as being a sub, rather there is a never ending tug of war of slaves, versus subs, bottoms, switches, etc. etc. I stared incredulously as I found out that people actually ‘give up their rights’ and have no ‘say’ in their worlds other than what the Dominant wishes. My head was reeling! The world of D/s was far more complex, ‘dark’ and terrifying than I’d ever imagined.
I was one of those submissives people refer to as wanna be’s; perhaps I still am to some. I had a long list of items I was not doing, demands, expectations, etc.. I wasn’t doing this, that, and I sure as hell wasn’t giving you that! I found out through others that ‘I was no doormat; my submission was a gift’ and I screamed it from the rooftops to any Dom that I felt dared held expectation out of me before I was ready! I swore up and down that I’d never consider exploring pain, humiliation, and I sure as hell was not a slave, nor would I ever be! I stayed ‘safe’ within the little bubble of ‘security’ I’d formed for myself.
If this overload of information is not enough, it gets worse when you factor yet another important aspect. I wanted to be accepted in this world. I had found ‘my place’. I wanted and needed to be among ‘you’. I could not stand the idea of being shunned from a lifestyle that held so much hope for me. I watched and as time went by, I began to repeat the words I’d see day after day; I adopted them as my own. I jumped on the popularity train and basked in the acceptance I thought I was gaining. In essence, I was every part a ‘wanna be’ submissive. I wanted to say the right things, do the right things, be accepted, and of course, was suffering from dangerously high case of ‘sub fever’ and seeking the perfect Dominant.
It took me a over a year and a half of online exposure, an endless supply of self doubt, questioning, learning, reading, talking, reading more, to finally come to realize that through no fault of my own, I was so very wrong and misguided. A naïve little submissive trying to do and say everything she felt she needed to be to find her place amongst 'you'. I have learned to never say never, and that what was once non-negotiable for me is now something I desire. As more time progressed I learned that though I lay claim that I am no slave, that in the right situation, faith, and emotion that all my theories of who I am or am not go out the window. There were views I held, ideas I voiced as my own that I’d not even care to remember.
I do realize that in many cases, people who have not stepped past their monitors are not taken nearly as serious as those who have are. This being said, I feel you should know, that indeed, I have ventured out my front door, so to speak. I have experienced D/s real time jumped on airplanes, played, and had several experiences in between. I’ve had beautiful real time encounterss that I haven’t forgotten despite years having passed. I’ve also experienced both emotional and physical pain via my real time that no amount of online could hold a candle to in my mind. I’ve made dangerous mistakes along the way. I do not reach out to you as a submissive who’s hidden behind her monitor.
Almost six years have passed now, of which the last two have been spent wandering around in communities such as this. I am ever changing, evolving and learning about myself and the lifestyle. The most rewarding of lessons have all been experienced via my online travels, and yet, at the same time, I now come full circle and realize that despite all I’ve learned, it counts for nothing as my desire to get ‘out there’ supercedes all I’ve come to think, know, or hold dear in this world. Until that time comes, I don’t consider myself to be ‘experienced’ or particularly knowledgeable which is why you don’t often see me volunteering a lot of thoughts on the forums despite my presence here for some time.
I share my perceptions of the lifestyle as a ‘new submissive’ with you in the hopes of showing how ‘your’ world appears to some of us. I hope to not only gain the support of other submissive’s who have ‘been there’, but also to instill a shred of hope to the Dominants who think us newbies have gone to hell in a hand basket. I can’t speak for all of us, but I strongly suspect that many of them of them can relate to what I have shared. It’s not a matter of lack of sincerity, or disregard for a lifestyle many of you hold in such high regards. It’s a question of those like myself, growing, learning and evolving over time. I was very much a wanna be, but it was not meant as disdain or lack of respect for your world.
It was about being scared of the information I was exposed to, wanting desperately to live among you, and realizing that being submissive, does not mean I have to place myself into a neatly labelled box for the world to recognize. Those profiles you see that have you rolling your eyes, or the endless repetitive questions you see on the forums, all of it? Please, try to keep an open heart and mind. You may just be dealing with a woman like myself who is overwhelmed by all that is shared in this lifestyle. A woman who would stare in fascination and envy at all of ‘you’ on her monitor until the late hours of the night …
….dragging an exhausted body into work the next day…..
….vowing that ‘tonight she would sleep’…..
….spending yet another sleepless night reading, watching, digesting …
….keeping her pen and paper nearby to write down those sites you recommend …
….pouring over forums like this ….
….finally collapsing in exhaustion, only to repeat the above for months on end …
… A woman who eventually managed to chew through the meat and spit out the bones enough to feel comfortable with herself and not feel a need to ‘fit in’.
A woman who will one day, make a fantastic, honourable, devoted submissive, or slave to …
…. perhaps ….
….one of the very Dominants that proclaim those like her today ….
A wanna be … 
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Wanna-Be Submissive ... or ... not? - 
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