First time sub seeking your advice - how to find the right master?

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First time sub seeking your advice - how to find the ri... - 6/7/2005 9:38:10 PM

SeekingMastery

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/30/2005
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I am new to this but am a submissive seeking a dom for the first time. Does anyone have any advice or willing to share their first experience as a sub?

Is this the best way to go about it? Online? Some say take it slow to ultimately fill your desires, others say stop the fantasizing and experience for real.

Where do I start? I know I sound naive to this lifestyle, but I'm hoping with your help, I'll embrace it as I think I will and realize my sexuality in full.

I'm excited, yet cautious, intrigued yet patient.

I just want to hear from someone with experience, I want this to be a memorable experience, in a good way.

Looking forward to your responses....

< Message edited by SeekingMastery -- 6/8/2005 12:58:38 AM >

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 5:36:16 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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It's the same as you've always done in vanilla. Just use common sense, good judgement. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Don't get into anything seriously committed for at least 6 months. Use condoms.

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 5:55:08 AM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
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I agree with Emerald. Same common sense as the vanilla world. Don't jump in too quickly. Do some research on whats out there and what you may like.

perfection

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 7:54:22 AM

fourpeas

Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
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Yup. Same common sense. Something that is nice about finding a Master is that the level of openness and communication has to (by nature of the beast) be more open and honest. I definitely recommend taking things slowly, and don't be afraid to use your instinct! If something doesn't feel right, then let it go. And don't be afraid to ask tough questions up front.

Also, something that I say a lot...

You don't go shopping for a skirt or a pair of shoes without having any idea what you're looking for, do you? Of course not. When we go shopping we always have something in mind that we're looking for.

Same thing goes with relationships, vanilla or otherwise. You CANNOT find what you're looking for if you don't know what that is. Make a list of the traits you want in a Master. Are you looking for a 24/7 thing? Are you looking for someone who wants to do BDSM in the bedroom and nowhere else? Are you looking for someone just to play with? What are you looking for? Be brutally honest with yourself. And when you find out what you're looking for and you have a clear idea of what that is, THEN start looking for that person who fits those needs of yours.

My 2 cents. I found the guy I am with now because I was brave enough to reach out and say *exactly* what I was looking for. And we continue to have those discussions. Don't be afraid to ask for what you really want... you will never get it otherwise...

OH yeah, and good luck, and welcome! :)

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 9:34:34 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

Is this the best way to go about it? Online? Some say take it slow to ultimately fill your desires, others say stop the fantasizing and experience for real.

People essentially send me newbies from all over California to protect.
So, what I generally say is take it slow. Read...learn..and find a munch group in your area. Generally with newbies their hormones are racing because they think the lifestyle is sexual in nature.
So, I tell them to find a munch group. More than one person they feel comfortable with then go to a party with a group. Tell the host you'd like to play. That way...in a perfect world there should be a DM(dungeon master) watching over you to be sure it doesn't get taken way too far.
Just because you go to a party does not mean you're the world's meat. They do not have a right to touch you just "because" Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are to lose who you are.
Remember to value yourself first and foremost.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Although use common sense. Don't go overboard in this lifestyle you can die and other's have. It isn't like you're just going to get pregnant here. If it sounds dangerous to you don't do it.
I'd also agree with Fourpeas, make a list of wants and needs. Find the person who fits your needs. If you mesh, in time your wants will also become his.

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 11:29:59 AM

Mia1978

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Joined: 5/10/2005
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I've never gone out and looked for a master (but I have found a husband) and I consider myself very street smart, so I'll offer my advice. Hope it helps.

For one, yes it is very much like the Vanilla world - with a big difference, it's a bit more dangerous and you have to be extra careful (especially when meeting someone for the first few times).

I think many people will call themselves Doms or Masters, but they use it as a cover for being abusive. If it were me, for my own safety, I would make all first contact from a distance (like internet) or in public places. It is so much easier to judge some aspects of their character before you get too involved. For instance, if you find a Dom and he/she constantly promises you that they will email you something or will send something to your PO box... but they never do, then you know they aren't sincere and have poor follow-through.

I definately reccomend paying close attention to what they say. See if they contradict themselves. Keep your anteneas up. don't let too many little things fall through the cracks. Forgiveness and understanding is all good and has it's place, but don't let yourself get lied to or walked on for the sake of obeying a wanna-be master.

See if he cares about your insterests, your limits, if he tries to 'get inside your head' to understand you and learn why you are the way you are.

I personally believe that he can't provide you with the true mental side of it all unless he really understands your mind. He can't truely care for you, if he doesn't care to know you. Looking for a long term sub or master is a lot like finding a spouse. Lots of effort and desire.

Couple last pieces of advice, make sure he respects you before you give yourself to him, otherwise he may not respect your limits once he approaches them. Keep those lines of communication open, discuss things, and also watch to see how he responds to that communication (does he listen to better the relationship or does he get defensive and blame things on you).

:)

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 12:23:35 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mia1978
For one, yes it is very much like the Vanilla world - with a big difference, it's a bit more dangerous and you have to be extra careful (especially when meeting someone for the first few times).

I'd disagree on all counts. I don't think it's any more dangerous and while I do suggest to be careful and have good sense, as long as you are comfy, that's what matters.

quote:

If it were me, for my own safety, I would make all first contact from a distance (like internet) or in public places.

So you don't recommend that she get OFFLINE, go to munches, go to parties and meet people there?

quote:

For instance, if you find a Dom and he/she constantly promises you that they will email you something or will send something to your PO box... but they never do, then you know they aren't sincere and have poor follow-through.

And you can judge that just as well offline. I think the getting to know someone process is immensly better in all ways offline. However, distance can be a hindrance.

quote:

I definately reccomend paying close attention to what they say. See if they contradict themselves. Keep your anteneas up. don't let too many little things fall through the cracks. Forgiveness and understanding is all good and has it's place, but don't let yourself get lied to or walked on for the sake of obeying a wanna-be master.

Good point, also true in the vanilla world.

quote:

See if he cares about your insterests, your limits, if he tries to 'get inside your head' to understand you and learn why you are the way you are.

Hmm but abusers do this too, they know well the ways to romance and say all the right things.

quote:

Couple last pieces of advice, make sure he respects you before you give yourself to him, otherwise he may not respect your limits once he approaches them. Keep those lines of communication open, discuss things, and also watch to see how he responds to that communication (does he listen to better the relationship or does he get defensive and blame things on you).
:)

Just like in vanilla, use good sense, you want this to be something that adds to your life and makes you feel fulfilled.

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 1:56:24 PM

Mia1978

Posts: 41
Joined: 5/10/2005
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quote:

So you don't recommend that she get OFFLINE, go to munches, go to parties and meet people there?

Well EmeraldSlave2, I did not say that she shouldn't, I said that is how I would do it. If you would like to know why I feel that way, it is because I've been stalked. He followed me home, he showed up after every college class I got out of, left insane notes in my mailbox, was always at my front door, waiting in parking lots next to my car, cornered me in an alley... Of course that happens in both bdsm world as well as the Vanilla, but I believe that going to parties that are based on sexual themes and putting your own sexuality preferances on display for total strangers can be more dangerous than going to a party with all your friends where you drink beer and play monopoly. I'm not saying bdsm parties are bad or should not be attended, but I think extra precautions should be taken above the other types of parties where you have other family & friends attending. If she has a friend to go with her, or taking a cab could help prevent some of those sticky situations. There are so many ways to do something that I can't possible cover them all in a single post. But we definately agree on being safe and using good judgement - I think we just found different ways to say the same thing.

I also suggested getting to know someone from a distance because (agian, from MY experience) it can filter through some of the rubbish out there and could spare her some bad memories. For some, meeting people & establishing a relationship (of any sort) can get you more emotionally involved than doing stuff online. Not to say it is right or wrong, better or worse. Everyone has their preferences. I tend to be more shy and sensitive to things. I don't know what type of person she is, so I share my perspective in the event she relates to me.

I'm not sure why you jump on my post instead of just offering your own suggestions to her questions. There's no harm in having a difference of opinion, she would probably get more out of you sharing your good experiences with the parties you've been to than she would reading a debate between our personal preferances.

:)

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/8/2005 2:12:20 PM

feline

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I stand behind what Gloria had to say. Because I couldn't have said it any better. Most of all be patient. Good luck and welcome to the "lifestyle".

Take care,

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/9/2005 6:03:19 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mia1978
If she has a friend to go with her, or taking a cab could help prevent some of those sticky situations. There are so many ways to do something that I can't possible cover them all in a single post. But we definately agree on being safe and using good judgement - I think we just found different ways to say the same thing.

Well and you made a very clear claim which I feel is false. But generally yes, just use good judgement. Personally I feel getting offline is a much better start and while it's riskier, well that's cuz REAL LIFE is riskier than CYBER LIFE.

quote:

For some, meeting people & establishing a relationship (of any sort) can get you more emotionally involved than doing stuff online.

Considering the number of romances that start on this site, I'd have to disagree with that.

quote:

I'm not sure why you jump on my post instead of just offering your own suggestions to her questions.

First, I did not JUMP on your post- that's a very loaded and defensive word meaning you took my post personally. I was debating and analyzing your statements and claims. That's what having debates and critical discussions are about. Not making friends and being happy happy. What I said about your points has nothing to do with how I think or feel about you personally. If you put something out in a public forum, expect it to be chewed over.

Secondly, the very FIRST reply to the OP was my thoughts and suggestions (the fact that it was the first only means I had opportune timing, but still, it's pretty much right there).

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/10/2005 9:04:16 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

Is this the best way to go about it? Online?

the internet is a great tool for information, also for meeting people outside your neighborhood. some folks have relationships that they maintain strictly online, never meeting in person and others meet after they have gotten to know each other a bit through online communication. The internet was and continues to be a valuable tool for this slave to learn about and discuss WIITWD . this slave had never attended a munch, play party, dungeon, lifestyle club or event before meeting Master. We met at an online BDSM personals site, not CM, but similar, talked on the phone, then met in real life two weeks after contact on the internet. It has worked out fabulously for us.

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/28/2005 7:13:58 AM

Hissweetshiv

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Three words:
TAKE YOUR TIME!!!
As with any relationship, go slowly, get to know the person before forming a deeper commitment. Find someone whose goals and ideals in a D/s relationship match your own fairly well (and to do this you have to know what you want) and when you find someone compatible, then you can take the next step. People have asked me how i found Master on several occasions - i always tell them the same thing. "I stopped looking." W/we were friends for about 18 months before we even considered being a couple. This isn't to say that that time span is set in stone for E/everyone, but it did help us to know exactly who we were getting into a relationship with. At any rate, nothing will bring you to greater grief (and danger) than rushing into a Collar with the first Man who waves one at you.
be well and be safe
shiv

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RE: First time sub seeking your advice - how to find th... - 6/28/2005 8:48:56 AM

dechala

Posts: 114
Joined: 2/20/2005
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i definately echo what others have said here
Just take it slow and get to know someone.Whether it's online or in person at munches,remember trust is paramount in any new relationship but even more so if the D/s dynamic is involved.
i'm inexperienced myself.But my first real taste of true submission(which actually wasn't that long ago) for me was the most beautiful thing that i had ever felt.My feelings and emotions were so intense that i still feel it.i hope you feel this same kind of happiness.Just be patient all good things come in time

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"As soon we find a motel i'm gonna put my little honeybunny bride on the bed and tie her up.."
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