RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad past experience?

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 9:48:12 AM

imthatacheyouhav

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quote:

I believe it's the sub/slaves "responsibility" to inform the Dominant of issues that may hinder play....relationship...etc. If it is a past issue, i would hope that the person has had some form of counseling to help them.

I agree wholeheartedly with this BUT...apparently there can be things that are unknown.

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 9:50:10 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laineyjade

Being a therapist myself, I would rather trust myself and my much more intimate knowledge of the slave than trust a possibly incompetent or disinterested therapist, who, first of all, has little or no idea of the submissive psychology. Depending on the nature of the violent incident, there could be an anxiety disorder or a post-traumatic stress disorder to deal with as well as the old trauma. It's hard to give such general advice without knowing what triggers the person and how they respond. For example, if you've got someone who is unable to have full sexual enjoyment because of a violent rape, and the trigger causes them to dissociate into self-harming, that is something which will have to be addressed very intensely. If, on the other hand, the person hates zucchini because their evil stepmother crammed it down their throat till they vomited when they were a child, then it may be best to simply forget about introducing zucchini into their life and leave it alone.

I agree with everyone else that tiny steps, lots of feedback, and enormous amounts of patience and unconditional love will be needed no matter what happened.

You know... My Dad is a surgeon. Quite good - pillar of the community. Possibly the best our town had. Yet he still refused to do any work on a family member. Makes it too personal. Sometimes you can't see things because you love them too much. And sometimes people won't tell you things because they don't want to dissapoint you. Since you are a professional, perhaps you would better help your slave using your professional connections to find a good therapist where they can talk about anything, even you, in rotten terms when they need to.

Just a thought.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 6/30/2007 9:55:36 AM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 9:54:18 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Find her a list of therapists experienced in this trauma, and have her interview them to find one she clicks with who is also knowledgable on power relationships.

Then after they've established a relationship you go in once and ask the therapist's advice.

But for me, as for Tammyjo, the choice of the word victim over survivor is upsetting. Being highly cynical it makes me wonder; Did you go looking for someone wounded who would be easier to dominate? Do you have a white knight complex? Why are you with a victim as opposed to a strong person with a complex past?

This strikes me as unfairly judgemental and presumptive. The nuances of 'victim' and 'survivor' may be important in varying degrees to some, but clearly both are intended to refer to someone who has undergone a significant trauma. The word 'trauma' itself implies, in the strongest sense, damage. Some people have 'unwanted sex' and are not traumatized, others are. It's apparent that the OP is concerned about a partner that has suffered some trauma; to treat that concern as evidence of some kind predatory design or personality defect is absurd, unwarranted and unkind.
Many people in this lifestyle have undergone, and many continue to undergo, trauma. Some have already processed this, others are in that process, many have yet to seriously begin to deal with it. Some have dissociative responses to their trauma that make it very difficult to ascertain that this trauma has occured until one is deeply involved with them, especially for people having no previous experience with traumatized individuals. Personally, I would encourage anyone who discovers that their partner, dom or sub, has experienced trauma to carefully and caringly investigate it's extent and sources, to be aware of the degree to which it has or has not been positively dealt with, and to look for ways for that partner to get the specific kinds of help and support they need. If that means I have a White Knight syndrome, so be it.

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 10:03:19 AM

Grlwithboy

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Joined: 2/8/2005
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I won't work with people who aren't working on it actively. I personally encourage work with a professional on the issues.

I let the desire to "play" around traumatic hot buttons come FROM the bottom. I may think it'd be the best thing in the world for my slave H to do a certain kind of scene, but it's much more rewarding for me as his owner to see him come to that conclusion - to have done enough work to pinpoint exactly what he wants to accomplish to the point where he can say "Ma'am, this happened to me, would it be possible to explore this issue together?" And I talk.

Talk talk and talk more, to lay a foundation so that the scene addressing the issue goes the way it should go. Sometimes that might BE a big holy cathartic blubbering mess, a train wreck of emotions - but knowing as much about it as possible can help that be good and cleansing rather than destructive and awful.

I don't "help" with this unless solicited, or unless it's an uknown issue that blows up in both our faces - and that's a "what should we do about this" kind of moment, for me, even in M/s.

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 10:15:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dini
However a word of caution, your Domme is not a professional ( well many are not) and only the person involved can truly tell when the issue is one that needs professional intervention. Some things need to de dealt with before playing the more intense levels…

Dini

I thought this was important enough to be read again.

John

And tripled.

I also avoid relationships with people stuck in the victim mode and who can't let go of their vampirism. I'm good with the guilty and self sacrificing- but when it gets to a certain point, it's beyond me.

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RE: How do U help Your sub/slaves to get over a bad pas... - 6/30/2007 10:47:53 AM

MasterMataeo