IAmSoSorry
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2005
Status: offline
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If you missed my post in the Introduce yourself thread, you may want to go there to catch up.
This is the story, ongoing, of my emergence, serving the love of my life.
I should start by saying that I am a white male, 40, from the east coast. We will both try as hard as possible to remain anonymous.
When I was in 4th grade, my mother recieved in the mail, a first issue of a hard copy, time life series called Man, Myth, and Magic.
Back in the day, they'd send you a first volume in a series and if you liked it, you paid, they sent you the rest, if not, you were supposed to just send it back. I wonder how many people actually did that...
Anyhow, in that book were alot of depictions of alternative, sexual situations. I think that's where the first seed was planted.
I remember, GI Joe would get abducted by savage Amazon women, tied to a tree and forced to wear a diaper. What can I say, I always had an overactive imagination....
My first relationships, were a joke. I was the kid in school that everyone picked on. Picked on is an understatement. I remember a girl in 9th grade that sat across from me. She would look at me and call me names, like fag, homo, loser, etc...
Another seed planted??
From the young age of 14, I was an out of control collector of porn. I remember I used to "fuck" my pillows, looking through the pages of magazine after magazine. Everyone in the neighborhood knew I was the king porn collector and my collection was vast. All the softcore mags I could find, borrow or steal.
At 18, I joined the Army and secured my collection in a locked box, that my brother broke open and gave away to all his friends.
Even in the service, I always had the biggest collection.
Back then, Club magazine was more of a fetish mag. The stories involved bizzarre extreme forms of domination, sadism, etc.
Nugget was another favorite of mine. I started to sway, slightly towards fetish type material.
After the Army, I went to Austin, TX, and found myself in my first porn shops. Besides the fetish stuff, she-males and local personal mags were a big draw.
I never looked at She-males as men. Their dicks didn't looke masculine on them.
In the personals, I was always drawn to the dominant women, but I never had the guts to go to one.
Even back home, I spent a lifetime looking for someone local, but for a big city, the one I live in is pretty repressed.
All this time, I couldn't hardly let a day go by where I wasn't masterbating.
In 1991, in Florida, I met my first transexual and went home with her. We did everything. I had no problems with it. But then, I've never been "shockable." Always a go with the flow kind've guy.
BTW, I should say that I went from being picked on in high school to a high tempered brawler.
More seeds being planted as pleasure was more and more associated with my increasing interset in fetish and BDSM, etc.
The last long term relationship I was in, in the mid 90's, before this one I'm in now lasted about 4 1/2 years. By this point, I was deep into fantasizing all the time about being someone's submissive. Even in other relationships, I tried to hint at my growing desires, but they never really got it.
In the relationship I mentioned, she got it, was even pretty good at it, but had no interest. We broke up in 1998. 2 years earlier, I had bought my first decent computer (as in better than a 486). Computers have ALWAYS been my life. I'm an addict, admittedly. I'm also very proficient at doing things with PC's that most people couldn't dream of. I know them inside and out.
My first decent computer led to my first online account, Prodigy, and then AOL, and then just a direct dial up connection with a local server. I also, as most do, went right to internet porn. 10 years of online porn surfing have made me the czar of internet porn. The last time I destroyed my collection (something I did all through my life, on occasion) I had over 61 gigs of porn. All video. I outgrew pictures quickly.
But 2 things remained constant. Since the beginning of my online experience, I discovered two sites that I have gone to every day, until very recently, since 1996: Max Fisch Domina Guide and URNOTALONE. I'm sure most of you know these sites. I've emailed the owners in the past and both were amazed that I had been a "regular" since they were both hosted by angelfire. (Do any of even remember angelfire sites??)
Think about it. Every single day for the last nine years, I have been on those sites, and why?? Looking for people from my city.
There have been few, Very few. And this IS a big city!!!! Weird...
I was single for a very long time. About five years. The extent of my sex life was smoking weed, good weed, and surfing porn, cock in hand for hours at a time, losing myself in fantasies of being dominated by women, men, she-males. Mostly, younger women. ALL my relationships have been with women much younger than me, but then, I'm a young looking guy for my age. I always have been.
Anyway, in 1999, still single, I ventured my way into a local BDSM group. PEP. You may have heard of them. I was prodded by several Yahoo groups focusing on local fetishes thatI had started. One thing; in PEP, they only knew me as a dominant. And a damn good one at that. IF being a top was my fortee', I am one of the best. Women in the group would literally line up to session with me at meetings. In no time at all I was a board member. Once I got home, I still fantasized about being submissive, though. I made alot of friends with Dommes, who all thought I was dominant.
Then I met "her." One of the most outrageous, incredible women ever. We were both part of a large local music scene, where everyone, but me, wanted to be with her. I was liking being single, albeit lonely, and she was trouble. We became friends, and 8 months later, more than friends.
I told myself that if I was going to be in a relationship, I was going to be open up front about my desires. So I told her that I liked sex to be kinky, with me being tied up, etc.
She gave it her best but was uncomfortable with it. And I was not letting go. She'd tie me up, but I complained about the ropes being too tight. She'd spank me, but I'd complain about it hurting.
Our relationship was having troubles too. We both came into it with alot of baggage. For me, a lingering torch for my last girlfriend, who was my best friend after our break up shook off the bad feelings. An asshole attitude. A lack of real loyalty. I never put her first.
for her, a marriage that she was still in. Severe alcoholism. A bad addiction to ambien. And a princess complex that was unmatched. She thought she was so goddamn great, and I did everything I could to break that down.
When she wanted me to stop talking to my ex, I told her I would, and that I had, but I hadn't. We still talked secretly.
She'd watch porn with me, but then, I made the mistake of showing her clips of what I liked, which she thought was piss poor of me.
She took offense to me looking at porn. It was slow process, but I never could put it down, so I lied about it. And got caught, time and time again. Still, I kept lying about it. How could I give up a 25 year habit???
Eventually we moved in together, with a promise to be loyal to her, but I never was. I manipulated my friends and family against her. Our sex life was active, but it was not good. She just wanted to get off, and I never, or rarely did, which caused alot of fights.
Fighting became our trademark.
In July of last year, she became pregnant. Things started looking up. She believed in me again, until Christmas Day, a day that had been great, she caught me looking at porn again. I denied it, lied about it. Did everything to get out of it. More chaos.
April 3rd of this year, she found out I had been downloading a shitload of porn, again. It was the last straw, and here she was, 38 weeks pregnant. How could i do this to her?? I made a concerted effort to stop looking at porn, and so far, I have, but the trust is broken. How many lies have I told? How many times have I betrayed her?
We became distant, until our daughter was born. For weeks after that though, it was hell. She says I'm never there for her emotionally. Her post partum was fierce and I couldn't handle it. Screaming matches that lasted all night, and her crying, endlessly.
On top of it, the business I owned had fallen apart and now I was in the midst of a career change. From trucking to sales.
A BIG career change. Financially we are in bad shape.
On Memorial Day weekend, she left to go stay with her family in the midwest until the 4th of July. She needed to be around people that supported her, and I needed to get my act together. Her coming back hinged on what happened while she was gone.
What happened was more than I could ask for.
_____________________________
Faithfully serving Her, in all ways.
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