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is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 12:32:10 AM

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Joined: 8/19/2006
From: my thoughts
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for the last 3 months someone i've meet on here and i have been seeing each other and resently we started scening with each other. he's a switch and i dont consider myself to be one. and he's been trying to get me to take the role of a domme, i've played it a couple of times for him and he loves it, but it makes me feel weird, i cant explain how it makes me feel other than its a bit uncomfertable taking the role as the dominant in the realtionship, when i've always taken the submissive role. i've tried talking to him about it, but he says that he needs to be the sub too. and that by taking the dom role sometimes will be another way of serving him better. ~now the ?~ should i take the feeling of uncomfertable as a natrual response as trying something new, and keep trying to master the domme role, or should i take it as a gut feeling that it isnt for me? i'm just comfused

~~~~~being happy doesnt mean things need to be perfect it just means you've desided to look past the imperfections~~~~ author unknown

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 1:08:06 AM

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Joined: 11/16/2006
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I think one ought to always be comfortable and it sounds to me, like perhaps he is using a mind fuck in saying you are serving him better by Domming him.
In the role of Dominant its best to do only as you want, so perhaps in that role you could try saying I want you to rub my feet etc and get just what you actually feel like having.
If Domming this guy is causing you to feel ick then dont, if it feels exciting and just strange then go for it while having as much fun as you can. I wonder if him being a Dom for you makes it too hard just now and perhaps you would have a better time with someone you only Dom for, keeping your switchy sides seperate.
Rules of thumb:
As an adult no one can tell you what to do, remember.. everything you do is a choice.
Honor yourself first and others after.
Follow your heart, find your bliss, extend yourself in the ways you are ready and willing to.
Best of luck to you!!!
Ms Alizbeth

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 6:00:05 AM

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My personal belief is that there is a difference between dominating someone and topping them. It sounds like you are topping him, since you are not controlling the play/scene...he is by telling you that doing so is a type of service to him. Only you can decide whether to continue in this vein with him, but I thought I would offer that to you as another way of viewing your situation. But you should consider carefully whether you think your needs are being adequately satisfied at this time in the relationship and perhaps that should be the primary guiding issue.

Best to you,

MNN

(in reply to MsStryker)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 7:31:56 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
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Right or wrong. Hmmmmmmm. Well my bottom line is that I need to enjoy myself. That is why I do WIITWD. Cause I find it enjoyable in some way. Even the pain. And embarrassment and other such stuff. If you are not enjoying yourself, why do it? Sometimes a whole bunch of words and rationalizations doesn't cut to the heart of it. If you can't buy what he's selling you know you really don't have to. Someone else might be perfectly comfortable. But that doesn't make it resonate with you.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 9:10:14 AM

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Only you can decide if bring the Top for him is you bartering and getting a good deal in return or you being untrue to yourself and selling youself (getting an unfair bargain) in an unhealthy fashion. What do you feel you are getting in return?

One thing that you can do, if you want to continue the relationship, but not be the Top, is to encourage he meet that side with someone else.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 9:13:09 AM

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With no offense to you, Solitude (or the people replying to this post), I'm often quite baffled why these questions get asked of complete strangers on internet message boards. There's no way we can really understand these emotions you're having regarding the subject, especially with only a few sentences. That means the opinions you get won't usually be to help you, but are really just being given because people love the chance to sound "wise" by giving you some vague response based on their own past experiences (which may or may not be similar to your own current issues).

...so...of course it's time for me to be hypocritical now and share my own version of "wisdom" :)

BDSM relationships are relationships...they function on the same principles as any other...being loving...but often times people forget that. Part of any loving relationship is making sacrifices for the person you are with. In contrast, those wanting sacrifices made for them must also sacrifice some if they see those requests are stressing their partner. If two people care about eachother, usually a balance should form -- most commonly this concept is called compromise. Depending on how deeply you both feel about the differing opinions on the situation will determine exactly where this line of compromise be drawn...it may be suitable to be closer to your tastes or it may be best to compromise more towards his desires. But this is quite the complex process that requires lots of communication with your mate and no doubt many times of trial and error.

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 7:13:00 PM

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I'll describe a personal experience. Maybe you can relate to this solitudesmiles. I am fairly inexperienced, so don't take my views as gospel.

In my first ever BDSM relationship, my partner was a submissive, and I had no idea what the heck I was. I wanted to experiment with everything. So sometimes I asked her to domme me. After a few tries she expressed that this was not something she was comfortable doing. I still wanted to be topped, so we compromised, and I topped from the bottom. I would say things like "Tie my left hand to the rail" or "Punch my testicles again". After a little while it was ok to give slightly more open ended directions, like "pinch my cock until I've had enough" By giving her instructions, it was clear that I was in control of the scene, but I also got the experiences I was looking for.
Maybe this might work for you. If others think that this is a bad idea, I invite you to correct me. And make sure that if something doesn't work for you, you communicate it with your partner.

(in reply to GeekFreak)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 9:02:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekFreak

With no offense to you, Solitude (or the people replying to this post), I'm often quite baffled why these questions get asked of complete strangers on internet message boards. There's no way we can really understand these emotions you're having regarding the subject, especially with only a few sentences. That means the opinions you get won't usually be to help you, but are really just being given because people love the chance to sound "wise" by giving you some vague response based on their own past experiences (which may or may not be similar to your own current issues).

...so...of course it's time for me to be hypocritical now and share my own version of "wisdom" :)

the belifes that were banded into my being while being raised was to gather advice when i'm un sure and with the knowlage of the new adivice make my own desision. and i was also told to ask questions when you arnt unsure of the present situation. all i'm asking is some friendly advice from someone/s more experancend in this lifestyle than myself, and then i thought thats what most of these forums are for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~being happy doesnt mean things have to be perfect it means that you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to GeekFreak)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/4/2007 9:07:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tag8833

I'll describe a personal experience. Maybe you can relate to this solitudesmiles. I am fairly inexperienced, so don't take my views as gospel.

In my first ever BDSM relationship, my partner was a submissive, and I had no idea what the heck I was. I wanted to experiment with everything. So sometimes I asked her to domme me. After a few tries she expressed that this was not something she was comfortable doing. I still wanted to be topped, so we compromised, and I topped from the bottom. I would say things like "Tie my left hand to the rail" or "Punch my testicles again". After a little while it was ok to give slightly more open ended directions, like "pinch my cock until I've had enough" By giving her instructions, it was clear that I was in control of the scene, but I also got the experiences I was looking for.
Maybe this might work for you. If others think that this is a bad idea, I invite you to correct me. And make sure that if something doesn't work for you, you communicate it with your partner.

something like this i would feel more comfertable doing, thankx for the imput will have to tell him, but trying on my own wasnt working lol. thankyou everyone for the advice and for giving me some of your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~being happy doesnt mean things have to be perfect it means that you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to tag8833)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/8/2007 7:15:02 PM

BlackWolfSwitch

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Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

i cant explain how it makes me feel other than its a bit uncomfertable taking the role as the dominant in the realtionship, when i've always taken the submissive role.

I can't say that it's wrong, but my curiosity lies in the part above.
And my question lies in the below.
Is it in -that- particular relationship? Is it in all relationships? And how many times have you attempted switching?

Sometimes it's a natural thing, sometimes it takes time to get the 'groove' going. It takes trust to really feel it out too, I might add. You can't try it once and say "I can't switch" because it may be the atmosphere, the person, or the scenario that's being played out.. that affect how comfortable you are and how good/bad it feels to you.

Just two cents there.

_____________________________

"Command of the collar, or submission to wear it. It's your choice. My choice is to know what I like from both."

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 7/9/2007 7:29:16 PM

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Joined: 7/8/2007
From: Portland, Oregon
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Hi solitudesmiles. You didn't say how far submission is going in your relationship. If you plan to be his slave one day, that would definetly be part of your service to him.

However, if I were not in love with him I would check around and see what else is out there. Why settle or be uncomfortable in/for a relationship that you wouldn't want long term?

On a seperate note, I love the quote you have on your signature. I've been trying to word that for a while now and there it is - what I felt in black and white.

Best of luck to you.

Lady Holly

_____________________________

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place."

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 8/9/2007 7:24:18 AM

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See, I dont believe that one should always be "comfortable." I think it takes discomfort to grow. It just depends if one is ready to agree to be uncomfortable for a while. Personally I always feel really good after Ive done something Ive never done before. Very good indeed. It doesnt mean I even want to do that again. Its just that I did try.

(in reply to LadyHolly)

RE: is this wrong ? - 8/9/2007 2:50:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

My personal belief is that there is a difference between dominating someone and topping them. It sounds like you are topping him, since you are not controlling the play/scene...he is by telling you that doing so is a type of service to him. Only you can decide whether to continue in this vein with him, but I thought I would offer that to you as another way of viewing your situation. But you should consider carefully whether you think your needs are being adequately satisfied at this time in the relationship and perhaps that should be the primary guiding issue.

Best to you,

MNN

Fondly called service topping. I switch between top and bottom but I'm always a servant. I like to choke Her. It gets me off in ways only a sadist gets. But honestly...if She had no desire for it...I wouldn't want to.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

RE: is this wrong ? - 8/10/2007 3:54:11 AM

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I think I might empathize here....a girl I love is a switch, and when I've tried to Domme her...it's something like "Uh, okay, now....get on your knees...um...bitch."

_____________________________

"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to BoiJen)

RE: is this wrong ? - 8/10/2007 6:34:42 PM

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Well...shortly in response to your title...only if you think it is. It's really a personal decision...My first experience topping was strange to say the least but over time I've grown to really love it. You might, you might not. See how it goes, if it just doesn't work, then it just doesn't work.
Talk about stating the obvious here.

(in reply to MissOchistic)

RE: is this wrong ? - 8/10/2007 11:04:02 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: solitudesmiles

should i take the feeling of uncomfertable as a natrual response as trying something new, and keep trying to master the domme role, or should i take it as a gut feeling that it isnt for me? i'm just comfused

How come you don't trust your gut? Does it often fail you? Answer that and you'll answer your question.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to solitudesmiles)

RE: is this wrong ? - 9/11/2007 3:13:56 PM

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Dig for the dark details. If you have to, use checklists that are all over the place, that is a start. Look for Live Journal posts that link to heavy domination and do research. I have concluded that there is no limit to how dark the mind can go and usually a boy pushing for domination has deep stuff inside. Best to find out about cutting, burning, strangling, suffocating (and some strive far beyond this). I've got two now deceased friends in around 15 years that had really dark details that I mention, and they played with some really extreme others. I'd get into some serious discussions and don't accept evasiveness, this is your life too.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: is this wrong ? - 9/17/2007 10:07:53 AM

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First off, kudos for you for really trying this. But there's nothing wrong with saying to him that you did try it and it just isn't something you can do. I've tried liver and onions and I'm never going to want to eat it, I'd rather skip the meal entirely than eat that.

So what happens next? Can you be comfortable with subbing to him one day and knowing he will be subbing to someone else the next day. Would you be okay if he just saw a prodomme once a week to get his fix? Could you top him no more than once a month? Or do you need a monogamous relationship where the man will always be the dom and you will always be the sub.

Any of those things are perfectly acceptable. You need to decide where your comfort level is and not accept anything that doesn't work for you. You both need this. Bur be prepared that it might mean you have to split up if you both want monogamous relationships.

(in reply to lesbman)

RE: is this wrong ? - 9/20/2007 9:43:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: solitudesmiles

should i take the feeling of uncomfertable as a natrual response as trying something new, and keep trying to master the domme role, or should i take it as a gut feeling that it isnt for me? i'm just comfused

How come you don't trust your gut? Does it often fail you? Answer that and you'll answer your question.

Celeste

Yeah I agree, after around a decade subbing, switching was odd to me, it was odd to be inexperienced at something sexual again and also odd to be in control....but whether it's that or just something you really don't want to do is something only you know. Is it helpful (ie: less uncomfortable) if he's giving you the directions of what to do? The answer to that question might help you decide.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

RE: is this wrong ? - 10/12/2007 2:00:35 PM

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A true dominant wouldnt even ask you as a sub to do something that which is absurd and opposite to what you are.The switch in question here should get a clue that you are sub and subs simply do not make good switches or dommes ....do they?

(in reply to MsStryker)

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