Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (Full Version)

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zindyslave -> Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 7:53:30 PM)

Lately I have felt like I am failing my Master. I am having doubts that I can be a slave the way my Master wants me to be. I guess I am just not ready (if that is the word) for it, I guess I need some mentoring from someone on how I can over come some of the problems that are keeping me from submitting to him everytime I should. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am not the only one to have this problem.



adoracat -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 10:20:10 PM)

you arent.  i struggle too.  not so much in forcing myself to submit, but in being able to.

i am not with Sir 24/7. i have chronic health issues to deal with, a household to run, a yardape to care for, a husband who doesnt particularly like the fact that i'm submissive even though i have been all the time we've been married, and i have not changed a bit.

its difficult.  some days more than others....and some days i cry from frustration.  i dont know that i can give you any words of wisdom...but i can sympathise.

kitten, who knows how it feels.



zindyslave -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 10:27:06 PM)

I live with my Master and we are married to each other, it is just hard I guess for me to change my life so dramatically in such a short time. We decided together to discover this lifestyle, so I am still technically a newbie. I just wish I knew how to better submit without saying no and saying I don't want to. Because really that should not matter in this type of relationship, I guess I am questioning whether I am a slave or not. Or if I should even be a sub. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:00:17 PM)

Yeah, my partner still gets that on occasion.  Then I have to smack him and tell him what a dork he's being.

This of course makes him feel even worse ;)

If you're worried- ask them directly.  If they haven't said anything, then it's PROBABLY because nothing is wrong and you're just being nuerotic and dorky.

Great relationships are built over time.  Even if the connection is instantaneous- there's a lot to work through together.  Stop beating yourself up for starting at point A and not immediately going to point Z.  It's selfish, self centered, insecure crap that doesn't serve anyone.



zindyslave -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:10:06 PM)

He gets annoyed at me over it alot. And that makes me feel like a failure and I get weepy and cry because I want to please him but for some reason I don't. Its like my mind doesn't want me to.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:21:44 PM)

Sounds like it's time for a serious sit down of "I consistently feel that you are displeased with me and it is causing me to lack motivation and confidence in myself and the relationship.  What ways can we work better together so that we are both satisfied?"



zindyslave -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:26:51 PM)

That is easier said than done.[:D] But I do understand the need for that. I am planning on sitting down and writing it down to organize my thoughts and bring it up with him. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:27:26 PM)

The good part is that it gets easier the more you DO it.



petal7 -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/7/2007 11:59:47 PM)

The other interesting twist that you have going on is that you had an established relationship prior to becoming D/s.  That means you already have a pre-established relationship.  So on top of exploring a new lifestyle, you're finding yourselves having to re-define your roles.  That's a tall order in any right and I would encourage you not to get down on yourself for struggling with such a momentous task.

I would encourage you to find the things you can easily submit to -- and really diagnose why you're okay with submitting those things.  Is it because you don't care about them?  It is because they're easy?  Hopefully it's because you are finding yourself delighting in his pleasure when you do.  If the latter is the case, then try to focus that feeling on areas that aren't so easy.  Submission comes with time and trust.  If however, your reasons are along the lines of the former . . . perhaps you have to take a few steps back and reexamine why you're exploring the lifestyle.

In any case, good luck -- and remember that it's a journey, not a destination.

-- petal



subiugo -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 12:07:47 AM)

The bad news is that it will takes you a lifetime to be a good slave. Being a slave is maybe a kind of 'general decision' you make, but in every single act, you must make the choice again. This means, when you wake up at morning, still wanting 5 minutes in the warm bed and just before you go to bed at night...

The good news is that it will take you a lifetime to be a good slave. If you discover that submission is really the core dimension of your personality, you will discover time and again new 'layers of submission'. (Or like in games that have different 'levels'... different 'levels of submission') And entering a new level is always difficult. But challenging. Being a slave is not something 'easily done'. It is a growth path, that you must learn to enjoy.

i wish you can grow as a submissive, as i wish your master can grow as a master who really appreciates the efforts of his slave.



charlotte12 -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 12:57:29 AM)

I agree with what others have said, that it takes times. You're young (not patronizing, so am i) and you have a lot of growing and soul-searching to do. I know that when i am exploring my submission i feel like i'm finally free. That doesn't mean that i know exactly how to be the "perfect slave" right now (if there even is such a thing). I was talking to someone earlier about this...i believe that particularily with people our age i see a trend of feeling like we need to have all the answers right now or we're somehow flawed. I'm pretty sure that with time we simply start to accept that we DON'T know it all and focus more on the journey than the destination. If submission feels good to you then keep exploring it and don't try to be some pre-conceived notion of what a slave or submissive is. Try to live in the moment and remember that everything you think you know about being submissive will probably change or at least be challenged at some point. But then what do i know? i'm only 22.... [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m11.gif[/image]



slavedb -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 2:45:00 AM)

Wow so glad that I'm not the only one (not that I would want anyone to feel like this) who has these feelings. It seems the harder I try to do what he wants the more I screw up.



kyraofMists -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:14:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The good part is that it gets easier the more you DO it.


I can attest to that.  It won't ever get easy if you don't do it and it can have great rewards. 

Knight's Kyra



kyraofMists -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:18:19 AM)

I used to feel like this a lot, especially in the beginning.  I didn't think I could do things right, didn't think right, didn't act right, wasn't a good match, etc.....

Then I realized that they were all my own expectations and they had little to do with his expectations.  He has extremely high expectations, but mine were even higher still and unattainable.  I started focusing on what he expected of me and not what I expected of me and life got a lot simpler and more peaceful. 

Are you sure it is what he expects of you or what you expect of you?

Knight's Kyra



zindyslave -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:31:57 AM)

It is what he expects of me because he gets frustrated and angry when I don't do what he wants. I just think that I am still stuck in how our relationship used to be and am having problems switching over from that mindset. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. It is like I have to be in that mind set before I will do it. And I am not always in that mindset. I am hoping with time I can get in that mind set, but alot of people on here say they are submissive because it came natural, and it doesn't come natural to me all the time. I guess I am just stubborn. I don't really know.



KnightofMists -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:35:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Are you sure it is what he expects of you or what you expect of you?

Knight's Kyra


I am not sure that that is a more destructive mindset to a M/s relationship than a slave that is judging and measuring herself to her own expectations and not those of the Master.

Second most destructive mindset is a slave that is making judgements and measuring herself to the Master's Expectation instead of Listening to the Master's Judgement. 

It's his expectations.. I think it should be his Judgement as well.



kyraofMists -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:39:09 AM)

Just because someone is naturally submissive does not mean that they also won't have mainstream conditioning that they need to work through in order to express their natural submissiveness.

The biggest one that I had to work through was thinking of my self first.  I was single for the majority of my adult life and I took care of me; it became an automatic thought process.  In getting into this relationship I had to learn to stop doing that and think of him first. 

That didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in the first year or so...  it only started happening consistently in the last few months.

I think Lucky's advice was very good.  It is time for an effective conversation on how you feel and what you think.

Knight's Kyra



zindyslave -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:43:58 AM)

The only thing is I am begining to think we need to step back from this for awhile, so I can indentify what I need to work on. I don't want to step back but I want him to know it is getting hard for me to continously do this when I feel like I am failing him the majority of the time. That probably isn't the best thing to do either. I do plan on talking to him but I have to wait until he wakes up before I do so.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:54:46 AM)

Daddy says i'm always doubting as well as hard on myself when my self-confidence reaches its lowest point. there have been times that i've question my worthiness of wearing His collar and/or being His daughter. sometimes i do put extreme pressure on myself (especially with my concert reviews), my UMs and our daily activities to the point i stress out because that's how i was raised - i wasn't rewarded or praised for doing good but my ears certainly got a "mouthful" when i did wrong or my best wasn't good enough. i even told Daddy one time that i wasn't worthy of the collar since i wasn't the "perfect" daughter He expected me to be. He calmly reassured me that He didn't need or want the "perfect" daughter-submissive ...no one can always be perfect all the time - we're all human ...we all have our faults and mistakes as long as we learn from them. 



agirl -> RE: Do you ever feel like you are not living up to what your Dom expects? (7/8/2007 7:56:42 AM)

I say no sometimes and I also don't want to do what M wants me to quite often, so no, you're not alone in that.

I don't feel badly about it. He knows me well enough to know that I won't want to do them, though he still expects me to comply. He'll simply do one of two things........either not make it worth my while NOT to comply or change my attitude so that I actively want to comply. As he's capable of doing both, I don't worry about it and nor does he. I've never been made to think it's a flaw, nor that I *should* be  certain way. He doesn't get annoyed at all because he has the authority and the skills to have things the way he wants them with the least amount of fuss and anguish.

It would be unrealistic of M to expect me to WANT to submit to everything he wants but not unrealistic to expect it to happen. He can make it easy, or hard for me to do.

THAT part is in his hands.

agirl











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