Very new - need help (Full Version)

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ZoeAngelina -> Very new - need help (7/11/2007 7:58:30 PM)

I'm trying to understand how to be a sub - what do I do, say, etc.  Advice would be welcomed.  I've tried to research this but come up with conflicting articles.  A Dom is interested in me and wants me to get advice and talk to other subs.  Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.



camille65 -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:01:05 PM)

Hi ZoeAngelina and welcome.
Yup there is a lot of conflicting information out there but that is because it is really up to the individual and the relationship. There is no one way to do anything. That may sound complicated but just take your time with everything.



gooddogbenji -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:10:26 PM)

Be yourself.  And if that don't cut it, call yourself a switch.

Yours,


benji



AquaticSub -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:18:13 PM)

Talk to this dominant. Only they can tell you what they want.



ZoeAngelina -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:21:55 PM)

Thank you for your advice.  By chance, noticing your garb, are you in the SCA?  If so, I am too!  : )



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:26:12 PM)

Be yourself and don't make any commitments to anyone for at least six months.



angelslave77 -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:32:06 PM)

one thing I have discovered only being quite new myself is that a lot of so called "expierenced" Doms arent for real, and I have found one way to weed them out is to learn a lot of the commonly used bdsm terms and throw them into conversation. I sussed out one so called experienced Dom this way when he had no idea what a munch was and as conversation continued and I tried discussing other areas of bdsm I realised he really had no idea at all and was an online wannabe.

But as far as what you should do, first thing I would suggest is have a look at a fetish checklist and know what interests you at this point in time (although that list will likely change as you become more experienced and get to explore your submission), because no point you being into to one thing and your Dom interested in something totally different because it is a farity tale to think you can change people. Once you have that sorted every Dom is different, some are heavily into rountines, like kneeling always using sir or Master (when you have progressed that far), others  are far more casual as far as that sort of thing goes. But as others have said you need to talk to this Dom and find out what it is he is looking for because wiitwd is so wide and varied and what works for one is far different to what works for someone else



stella40 -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:49:33 PM)

Hello ZoeAngelina and welcome.

Much of what I write here is a paraphrase of what others will tell you. Be yourself, be true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. If you don't know what to ask, don't worry, just ask what you know and take it from there. Submission is a process, a learning curve, a voyage of discovery, and the only suitable definition is the definition you give to your own submissiveness.

We are all individuals, no two Doms are alike, and the same can be said for submissives. The bedrock of dominance and submission is open, clear communication, just as with anything else.

Experience has its own importance but if you look for personal integrity, both in yourself and in others, you shouldn't go far wrong.

Be yourself, be lucky, be happy.

S.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:51:14 PM)

People will probably suggest talking to the dominant, but I think you should do something else as well. Figure out what you want from this. What excites you? What brings you to wanting to be a submissive? Usually, there's something that causes that trigger to activate one's desires, so figure out what that is, and THEN talk to the dominant, and explain what it is you want from the relationship, or the encounter.

It can be anything from wanting to be able to please a dominant person, to being punished by someone for indiscretions, to practically anything else. You'll have a really hard time figuring out "how" to be properly submissive if you haven't analyzed what kind of submissive you WANT to be rather than what kind of submissive someone says you're SUPPOSED to be. Believe me. I've been around the block a few times, and while I still don't know what's on the other side of the street, I sure do know this block pretty well.



ZoeAngelina -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 8:51:33 PM)

Hey, thank you everyone for your advice, I appreciate it!

zoeangelina



stateira -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 10:47:14 PM)

I found myself in the same situation a couple years ago when I was just starting and someone told me this...it may help you and it may not.  They said you will be able to be and feel truly submissive when you are in the presence of a truly dominant man that you connect with, and from there you'll just know what to do because you will feel comfortable in it.  Like I said, I don't know if that will work for you or not, but whatever you do be yourself and stick to your morals and beliefs, no matter who asks you to.  Someone who tries to tell you that you are supposed to think the way they do because they call themselves a dom, is not a Dom.  A real dominant will usually recognize that you are a person and have a mind and emotions and feelings and won't ask you to change that. 



Viciousbabe -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 11:23:25 PM)

Gotta agree with all of the replies, being yourself is the only true way of finding out how you will act as a submissive. If you try and act in a manner you are uncomfortable with, all it will lead to is frustrations on both of your parts. As statreira said, when you are in the company of a truly dominant man, then you will just know what to do.

Don't force it, when it happens you'll know.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 11:31:28 PM)

I like what others have said.  One thing I would add:  hold onto your common sense.  If your gut instinct is saying that a dom is being screwy or weird, listen to that. You don't owe anyone obedience or submission until *you* agree to.

Welcome!
MSS



SimplyMichael -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 11:37:31 PM)

You won't listen but here goes, you are so new you don't even know what the fuck you are doing but you have a "dom" who is interested.

Interested in what exactly?  He can't even tell you what he wants which means he wants what all men want, fill you with cum.  Crude but it gets the idea across.

It would be like saying, I am an experienced lover but get me a book on biology so you can show me where your cunt is, oh and probably a book on how to fuck too.  Yeah right.

LA is right, don't do anyone for six months and when you ignore all this advice and your heart is torn out in a month, please post the following.  First, "he says I am not really submissive and am topping from the bottom".  Next of course post the obligatory "where did he go" and once you realize he did dump you, you have a wide selection of what to post next but you can never go wrong with the classics like "Why are all the doms on CM fake".



beautyImurDaddy -> RE: Very new - need help (7/11/2007 11:58:07 PM)

well another interesting question is ... is this Dom real time or did you just meet him online? not that there is anything wrong with meeting someone from online... that is after all the point of this site is to meet others in the lifestyle... be it friends, potential partners or just someone to gain knowledge from.  But my main concern is that you say a Dom is interested in you... and you have not even been on CM for 24 hours? If it is someone you have met r/t then i would concur with all the previous comments.  Get to know yourself and your desires so you can relay that to a Dom what you have to bring to the table.  Are you a masochist? are you a daddy's girl? are you a slave?

I am not saying to never speak to this Dom again.... but what it boils down to is... you have to know yourself... to know if another is right for you.



SlND3R3LLA -> RE: Very new - need help (7/12/2007 12:32:33 AM)

I very much agree with the others, wait 6 months before commiting, and keep your common sense.  This is just like any other relationship and trusting someone you never met is still dangerous.  They will tell you if you don't, then you aren't real, or mature, just realize they are looking for sex and they will prey on the one that will let them.
 
Just because you are delving into something new, it's normal to be excited, just don't let the sense God gave you fly out your ass when you do.
 
Enjoy your journey and finding out new things about yourself.  Make some friends, try to meet others in real-life, and don't give out your passwords, or over control to the first tom, dick, or dom that says he is the best, old guard, new guard...you get the picture.
 
Have fun, that is what it's all about.
 
~sin, Masters friendly slave



sub4hire -> RE: Very new - need help (7/12/2007 5:59:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZoeAngelina

I'm trying to understand how to be a sub - what do I do, say, etc.  Advice would be welcomed.  I've tried to research this but come up with conflicting articles.  A Dom is interested in me and wants me to get advice and talk to other subs.  Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.


To go on a different tangent from the rest.  You say a "dom" is interested and wants you to talk to other subs.
So I must ask this, why does he want you to talk to other's?  Can't he talk to you himself?  Since he apparently can not, you need to ask him why he can't talk to you?
Clearly if he has been around he has interests.  He wants his submissive to act a specific way.  What way is that, unless of course he has no clue himself.  That's the reason why you have to ask others.
If he has no clue, do you want him as your dom knowing he is inexperienced and not even honest enough to tell you that while you are playing something could go terribly wrong and you could be injured.  All because he did not know it could go wrong?

Bottom line here, a good dom will work with you.  They won't send you out to be trained by others, because they already know other peoples training is not exactly the way they want you to be.  A good dom is patient they will listen to you. 
Any good relationship whether vanilla or lifestyle is built on communication.  To be able to share your feelings and be listened to.
Sounds like it has already went the wrong way.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Very new - need help (7/12/2007 7:24:12 AM)

quote:

Please help - I'm very vanilla, inexperienced, and just don't know what questions even to ask.

Zoe,
"How to be a sub?" How about why you want to be a "sub"? Or what is a "sub"? Most important is, who are you? If you don't know who you are, and what you desire and why, no amount of research about this or any lifestyle choice will have any meaning. If it happens that your reason to want is to please another or because someone you met requires it from you may have short term success but you're doomed to long term failure. You have to be you and to be you, you need to know you. The questions you need to ask first are of yourself.

If you get out in the "community", beware of hypocrites, especially those representing themselves as protectors and friends of "newbies" or the community "welcome wagon". Some even set up Munch groups to pontificate and mislead people. Don's trust people's words, observe actions and trust your gut. There are no experts. You'll find a lot of people claiming expertise when the reality is they are frauds, living behind a facade of self-importance.



hannahmay -> RE: Very new - need help (7/12/2007 7:38:40 AM)

hi
there is no rule book, no black or white, just be yourself and give it time.

Good Luck

hm xx



littleone35 -> RE: Very new - need help (7/12/2007 8:08:56 AM)

I have to agree with the others and wait six months.  And i have to agree with sub4hire why can't he train you himself?  Sounds like he does not know what he is doing.  I was trained by my late Master and my current Master to what they liked.  Every Master is different he should train you to what he likes/needs not ask others to do it.  I do wish you the best of luck though.

Matt's littleone



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