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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:43:11 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
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I suggest a "rewind." Your Dominant may not be acting like a Sensitive New Age Guy here, but bear in mind that he is acting on the basis of mis information. He has been told that you were not traumatized by your past experience, when clearly you have been. So he is viewing it as failure to submit. I would suggest starting over, telling him that you now realize that you have been traumatized, and ask for his help in getting over it. If he is a half way decent Dominant he'll rise to the challenge. If not, then review it. But at least give it a second go on the basis of better understanding of your own responses.

:))
LH

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 5:47:05 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Yet another case of submissive NOT equalling strong...or even having common sense.

Chica, take what works for you and leave the rest. This guy is showing you who he is and how he plans to deal with you- is that what you want?

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 6:14:40 PM

SayaNereida

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I suppose the question is; do you believe this is something you CAN deal with on your own?

If the answer is no, do you trust the Dom enough to tell him that AND ask for his help?

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 6:15:14 PM

heartfeltsub

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As someone who also has problems with oral sex, due to being sexual abused as a child, so that it is also something i panic at. Both of the Dominants that i serve are both helping me to overcome this problem. They would not ever consider saying i'm on my own with this problem.

heartfelt

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 6:31:04 PM

PairOfDimes

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I'm assuming that your dominant is not quite as insensitive as he seems, or that you're attracted to that insensitivity, and either way, it seems that you don't want to be told to, in the words of Dan Savage, dump the motherfucker already. You likely want advice on how to deal with the motherfucker. :) I do think that it's your responsibility to get through your issues--valid as those issues may be, and while you might experience these fears and resulting difficulties because of another's irresponsibility and not your own fault, it's not your casual playmate's job to fix them. However, even though he's not obliged to help you, if it's something he wants you to fix, it's to his advantage to help you fix it, and you might do well to remind him of that. Thus, some of the following suggestions presuppose some cooperation on your dominant's part.

What's it called...exposure therapy? You flip the trigger over and over until you become accustomed to it? Encourage your dominant to put his hand in your hair in ordinary situations, and when that happens, tell yourself that you're okay with it, that it's not a big deal, it's just a little hand in a little bit of hair--essentially, through force of will and habit, master your fear responses. If you and he enjoy oral sex in which you're more active (i.e. not face-fucking, but oral sex in which he lies back and you bob up and down), he might put his hand in your hair then, too--then you're controlling the action, and perhaps it would be less frightening.

Can you control the tension? In other words, while you're going along fine in the oral sex, if he puts his hand in your hair, could you tense up, take a breath, pause for a second, and then go on as before? I don't see how this would really interrupt the experience for either of you. Or is it a more prolonged reaction? I'm not clear about the extent of the "tensing up."

Another option--this may not help you get through the issue, but it will help you get through the sexual dysfunction that results from the bad memory. Could he hold your ears, or the back of your neck, or a head harness--some other way to manipulate your head without holding your hair? Is there a particular grip on your hair that bothers you?

If all else fails, seeing as you're not owned and thus you haven't agreed that anyone else may direct your hairstyle, you could prevent grips in your hair by getting my haircut--less than an inch at the longest point. ;) Good luck.

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 6:39:30 PM

TankII7871

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Joined: 4/22/2005
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Hello colocandy.
Well I have an idea for you. Since it is said Master/Dom (whatever) is always right and that Master/Dom(whatever) must always be obeyed you therefor have but one option as i see it. He said : He says i must get through on my own.

Then be a good girl and do as he says go find a man and work on this issue until you have it conquered. I'm sure your (insert title here) will be so proud you followed his directions. Now darlin don't take this as a flame against you it isn't meat that way. Some of us who have been around a day or two get really really tired of "doms" like this guy seems to be.

just a Country Boy with a little learnin

Eric

p.s. some of us would be happy to find a girl that could go all the way down period.

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 8:05:49 PM

robertolapiedra

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Hello colocandy. You are playing with him? My concept of play is that it is pleasurable to all involved. .

As for: "He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase."...? That is total mind fucking bullshit. Once a sub accepts "displeasure" for pleasing her dom, it is high level submission. Once a dominant asks for this, and after criticizes that you forgot to fake the "at ease with this" aspect? That is very low level from his part.

You need to think about why "you" are forcing yourself. This could simply be a "soft limit" that any dom worth his salt, would "help" you overcome (at your rythm). This could get you one day to actually "enjoy" instead of tensing up. You should stop playing when it stops being "play". RL.

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 8:10:25 PM

octavia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper
...

If I were your master, I would start by simply cuddling. Rubbing your back, my hand getting closer and closer to your neck and hair. As you seemed to trust me, I'd massage your scalp... All during cuddling. Then I'd start guiding your mouth around my body with my hand in your hair (clothed or not, whichever is easiest to start.) The goal would be to teach you that my hand is there to guide and support and protect. Then the training gets harder, and naturally slows down... being near his member and having his hand in your hair while you kiss/lick/spit... Whatever you guys like. The slowest part of the training I would use is having you give him head at your pace, his hand only touching your head, not pushing or pulling at all... This could take hours... days... weeks... months... years... depending on how "not overly traumatic" passing out was. Your desire to please, your trust in Master, and your mutual understanding of your fear will slowly begin to work for you. Take your time, you can't rush this.... If he is not patient, and doesn't handle your fragile baggage with care, then he may not be the man you want to spend your time with.

This is excellent advice.
The question I have for you is:
Do you want a Dom who send you off on your own to resolve issues?

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Post #: 28

RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/16/2007 8:14:21 PM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

A good dominant takes their submissive as a complete package. Everyone has emotional baggage and you can't take the good without the bad. If your new play-dom wants you, he has to accept your past and fears. I am claustrophobic... If I was submissive, and a domme wanted me, she would have to accept that she can't just put me in a coffin. I would need to be trained to trust her, and trained to relax.

Your new play-dom may or may not be a master of training post-traumatic stress subjects. If he isn't, which is likely the case, he needs to learn about it if he intends to keep his hand in your hair. Your new dom is not wrong for wanting this, your old dom may have been wrong in making you pass out, I don't know how hard you like your play...

If I were your master, I would start by simply cuddling. Rubbing your back, my hand getting closer and closer to your neck and hair. As you seemed to trust me, I'd massage your scalp... All during cuddling. Then I'd start guiding your mouth around my body with my hand in your hair (clothed or not, whichever is easiest to start.) The goal would be to teach you that my hand is there to guide and support and protect. Then the training gets harder, and naturally slows down... being near his member and having his hand in your hair while you kiss/lick/spit... Whatever you guys like. The slowest part of the training I would use is having you give him head at your pace, his hand only touching your head, not pushing or pulling at all... This could take hours... days... weeks... months... years... depending on how "not overly traumatic" passing out was. Your desire to please, your trust in Master, and your mutual understanding of your fear will slowly begin to work for you. Take your time, you can't rush this.... If he is not patient, and doesn't handle your fragile baggage with care, then he may not be the man you want to spend your time with.

Now that is what a good Dom and partner sounds like. Please take his advice, OP, if anything at all is traumatic to you and your partner is so selfish and non-empathetic, I would question his ability to truly understand you and take you on the journey you wish to go on.

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/17/2007 1:01:36 AM

greeneyes1962

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colocandy

Hello Sirs, Mistresses, and friends,

i have a small predicament, and am not quite sure where to turn for advice; so i find myself here.

i am not owned, but have met a Dom that i have been playing with recently. i have hopes that perhaps this relationship may develop into something more substantial; if i can get past one problem....

in a previous D/s relationship, i was face forced to the point where i passed out. It was not an overly traumatic experience; however, i now tense up every time my 'play' Dom grabs the back of my hair when His penis is in my mouth.

i want to please Him. i am not afraid of Him. i've explained to Him why i am tensing up, and i am trying desperately to relax and submit to His will regarding this matter.

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back", i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

i desperately would like to get past this. i don't want to disappoint Him, and this is something He says i must get through on my own.

How?? Please, Someone, please, how can i get into the right mind frame to forget the past event and enjoy the future?? i'm not even thinking about the past event while i'm working my mouth down, until i feel the grip in my hair. please help me. a Hand in my hair was once one of my greatest pleasures, and i am terrified of losing that sensation. i want so badly for Him to be proud of me, to enjoy me. Please, any advice will greatly appreciated and taken to heart.

thank You,
candy

re: the highlighted section, If this happened to me, I would want my Dom to help me get past my anxieties. I feel this is part of the way he builds trust from the submissive. It would
make me start to lose trust at that point.

< Message edited by greeneyes1962 -- 7/17/2007 1:11:59 AM >

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/17/2007 6:46:25 AM

colocandy

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Hello Eeveryone!

Thank Yyou Aall so very much for the responses/advice/laughs!

Just to update, i've come to a conclusion. A rather selfish conclusion, but it's mine just the same.

Yes, i love to suck, lick and deep throat - at my pace. He directs it to be done and i immediately drop to my knees. If i'm never going to get an A atleast for effort, i'm not going to beat myself up over this.

i've made the naive rookie mistake of assuming that if i can't perform a certain act, then i'm not worthy of submitting to Him. And i was wrong. i'm trying to figure out how D/s managed to be about the sex this time. Not that it matters, because i think i'll be exploring other avenues.

Thank Yyou so much for enlightening me on something i should have obviously seen myself.

i really enjoy this board and look forward to participating in the future. Thank Yyou so much!!!

*smiles*
candy

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/20/2007 2:58:16 AM

came4U

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I am wondering if He could brush your hair for a lil while and coo/soothe you for a while when you first start to umm play. To get your jaw, neck and throat to relax? Eventually you might trust him to gobble like it is Thanksgiving every day, yay!

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/20/2007 7:37:30 AM

imthatacheyouhav

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I am very sorry you are troubled......i do have to wonder why so are so intent on satisfing such an insensitive cad....... perhaps you should try and find someone who actually gives a shit about you.

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RE: a long and embarrassing question - 7/21/2007 4:05:38 AM

julietsierra

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i am not owned, but have met a Dom that i have been playing with recently.

i want to please Him. i am not afraid of Him. i've explained to Him why i am tensing up, and i am trying desperately to relax and submit to His will regarding this matter.

He has stated that, even though this is my only "apparent hold back",

i desperately would like to get past this. i don't want to disappoint Him, and this is something He says i must get through on my own.

I've edited things out to show what I felt to be the most important here.

I do think he's right in that this IS something you have to get past on your own. The only exception to that is that because it involves something he does (the hand in the hair), your best bet would be if he could be patient enough to do this on a continual basis in slowly extending times and pressures for you to be able to move through your fears and past them.

The biggest thing I can see that may be impeding your progress is the simple fact that you two are newer to each other. It very well could be that while your'e not afraid of him, at some level, you don't trust him enough to let what someone else did to you go. That can't be pushed by him and it certainly isn't going to help if he's always saying that somehow you're not good enough if you don't deal with this well. I really don't think this

quote:

i do not truly want to submit to Him because i cannot relax during this phase.

is accurate. I think it might be more accurate to say that within your submission, you are still not at the point wherein you can relax during THIS activity.

It'll come with time and patience.

juliet

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