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Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 2:58:50 PM   
kossack


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		This is mostly my problem, because the only things that actually interests me are words, lots of words, words about music, or art, or politics or whatever actually excites someone.  When a person shares what makes his eyes light up, I get all soft and gushy, and I know that is unusual.  So I really do try to help guide someone in a conversation, ask questions, notice details, etc.  But I don't feel very good at it.

Does anyone have any good tricks?  I always end an e-mail with a few questions, but don't know what to do beyond that.

Recently, one little kid (OK, 10 years older than me, but clearly a kid) sent an e-mail that boiled down to "wow--intelligent profile..." and I wrote back with 2 pictures, my name, a 'thanks for the nice note" and a couple of questions (what are you looking for, what do you enjoy reading, hobbies--pretty bland--but his profile was maybe 4 sentences long and listed no interests). He was mean:  "What am I 'looking' for?  For starters, a woman bright enough to write an email that is longer than two lines.  A woman who is imaginative.  One sophisticated enough to not buy into all this online 'search' and 'looking' nonsense. Your lazy response tells me you are none of those things.  Buh bye." 

I have no concern for this boy (I may have insecurities about many things, but no one can make me feel like I'm not bright--if anything, I wish I were a little less bright), but if it hit him in such a wrong way, it may hit other men, who might actually be interesting, in a more subtle wrong way.  So, how do you get a man to talk if he doesn't ask questions or share ideas.  (I should note, I never say no to a good old phone call, as long as I don't have to give out my phone number, and generally like to have coffee relatively quickly.  I'm not asking for long, drawn out e-mails--just trying to keep a conversation going until he suggests phone or coffee.  And speaking of which, do you ever suggest coffee or phone first?)
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RE: Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 3:53:56 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I could be wrong, but it sounds as if you're generating a fair deal of wasted energy getting into a conversation with anyone who will.  Maybe that's what you want.  Were it me, I would be a little more choosey with how I spend my free time.

Knowledge is power, and I assume you want to have as much as possible before you make an informed decision.  People without creative profiles, or reasonably interesting emails do not provide you with enough information to make an accurate guess.

With someone you're more interested in, or can more assure a reasonable response, those are the people to whom you should ask questions.  The world is pretty wide out there.  Narrow it down some, for your own sake.

Jeff

Edited to add:  The people you're probably most likely to want to converse with don't need your help.  They already know how.

< Message edited by mstrjx -- 7/22/2007 3:54:54 PM >

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 4:05:55 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		With me if I they won't talk, I tell them that we are just not compatible.  In my opinion if this guy really was interested, then we would have no trouble conversing.  And I know some are shy and I try to do everything to put them at ease, but you've got to know when to just forget it.

I've had a few that I could talk for hours to, those did not work out relationship-wise for one reason or another, but they are still good friends.

I used to fall for that I can't talk on the net, I talk better on the phone, ok, so we get on phone, they are still just sitting there....so then I hear in person they really shine...ok...we meet for lunch....guess what???   LOL

so I think if someone is not just spamming pics, and honestly read my profile and was interested in knowing more of me as a person and they thought we would click, we could be using smoke signals and still have a great conversation.

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RE: Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 5:00:22 PM   
stella40


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline 		People usually can only talk about two subjects - things they know about or things they want to know about. Drawing on my experience as a TEFL English language teacher who spent years trying to get groups of English students to practise their English in conversation lessons and courses, and also many hours spent with such students one to one, and bringing such tactics into my everyday life, I find there's only three subjects people are willing to talk about - their life, their past and their interests. If nothing else, these are good subjects to open up any conversation.

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I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

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RE: Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 5:03:33 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Not sure if he said much more than "wow, intelligent profile".  But I don't engage much with someone who doesn't say something much more specific that is clearly a response to something specific I have said.  Especially if there is nothing in the profile.  I've tried it and to zero avail so I just don't any more.  And my profile gives real good clues what kind of interaction will engage me.  So someone who can't get that reading my profile is probably already not quite for me.

I am similar to you.  I am most interested in passionate people.  People who are passionate about something other than sex.  And the light in their eyes engages me.  Having a guy talk about his kids is usually a sure fire way to tap into that passion.    For some guys it's talking about their work, those who love their jobs.  So I ask questions similar to the ones you've listed.   Open ended questions.  And I tell them there are no points for brevity.   At 45, I'm looking for guys my age and older and I'm not really into teaching them to converse.   


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Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Helping someone converse? - 7/22/2007 7:29:17 PM   
mythi


Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline 		If his profile was only 4 sentences long and listed no interests I would have assumed right off the bat he was a dispassionate grunter and merely sent him a polite 'thank you' note.  I figure if someone cant manage that much effort, they're not for me, probably not even on a friendship level.  However, when you do find someone worth striking up a conversation with, usually asking questions will do the trick, like others have suggested.  Most people (especially guys it seems) love to talk about themselves. 

Of course, having said that, I have to add the caveat that more often than not this doesn't work on me cus I'm really lousy at just spouting off randomly about myself.  So if it fails, and you're really interested in the person or in a situation where you need to pick up the pace, you can also try to find some common ground or something they know that you'd like to learn about. 

See, I'm really bad at 'small talk'.  It just doesnt come naturally.  So of course I became a customer service rep where I have to talk to strangers all day! lol  What I've mentioned above are some of the tricks I use.  And I also found it helpful, living in SW Florida, to keep current on things like real estate and the local dining scene because these are things that most people in the area are interested in to one degree or another.  Perhaps where you live has something like that such that 'everybody' talks about it.

Other than that just wing it.  And be prepared to sometimes be okay with silence.  And it really is...okay.

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“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

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