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littlesarbonn -> RE: Bound vs Unbound (7/26/2007 1:15:54 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
quote:
ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
I discovered to my chagrin that way too many women who were interested in D/s relationships with me weren't interested in bondage, but in "how can you serve me without me having to do anything D/s related". I know it sounds kind of bizarre, but I really think some kind of change in the waters has happened because I can't even describe the amount of times that I found myself entering a relationship that seemed vanilla plus, more than D/s lite. And then it was always thrown back at me when I started to protest and say, "isn't there going to be any actual D/s": "You're a submissive, so you should accept whatever it is I desire." Then I would be told about how many submissive men are contacting them on a daily basis, that I should be overjoyed just to be in their presence and having gotten past their screening mechanisms.
So, I generally just left. And it would usually cause a call of "Why did you leave? I thought this was what you wanted!"
I think there's a real disconnect in the scene these days that no one recognizes because they're all so tied (without the ropes) to the scene that they don't even see the sea change that has taken place. Way too often, the "problem" is thrown right back at me, as if it's my problem that I can't seem to find what I'm seeking, when a decade ago, people seemed to be so much different in the scene and in what they were seeking.
It's why I stopped looking and changed my profile to be searching for cheese instead of a mistress. I've never been led astray by a slice of cheese. Well, once, but I'm not getting into that now.
Don't blame "the scene" - instead work on clearer communication and be clear about your needs and expecations. The more a submissive prides himself in being a "service sub" and less he talks about his interest in kink, the more people are going to assume he really doesn't have any fetishes or kinks. It also opens the doors for people who really aren't that kinky, but are attracted to the idea of having a 'no strings' relationship with someone who will do stuff for them. You have talked before about being in relationships where the woman uses you for errands or tasks or whatever but never anything intimate or romantic. If this is your problem over and over again, stop blaming other people and start establishing YOUR expectations. If people are continually attracted to you for the wrong reasons, what wrong signals are sending?
Work on figuring out how you can communicate about your kinky needs without sounding like a needy bottom. There are ways to do it. It's volatile for subs trying to navigate this path because they get unfairly trounced on and called a "bottom" for merely expressing a need; savvy femdoms will see through this though and can separate the needy wannabe guys from those that are submissive but desire a structure that includes kink.
Akasha
That's an old argument based on a past that isn't relevant anymore. I'm very direct in what I'm seeking and what I'm willing to put into such a relationship these days. So, yes, I stand behind what I said about how people in the scene have changed, not that "the scene" has changed. Big difference there. People have a different perception of what constitutes a D/s relationship these days than they did in the past. I know this because I run into this all the time. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it; it just means that the direction the people in the scene took is different than what makes me comfortable. Thus, the reason why I am a lot more guarded in becoming involved with people than I ever have. But yes, I still run into people who are interested in my service, but not in me serving. It's kind of like someone who seeks out whatever she can get without putting that much effort into the search. If I blame anyone, I blame the Internet and the laziness that the medium creates. People want instant gratification without actually having to build relationships. That's a big part of what has changed with the people in the scene, but not the scene itself. There are still people who continue on as they've always continued on, but I feel they're incapable of seeing what's going on around them with the new generation of Internet bdsm people who have come along (by new generation, that doesn't necessarily mean it involves age).
The fact still exists that I am a service submissive and I've always been one. But I'm not a butler or some guy that likes to dress like a French maid and gets his thrills out of dusting a shelf. In EVERY conversation I have had with women about this, I indicate that while I am a service submissive, and yes, I am, I do it because I desire to be a useful part of her life, not some outside cleaning service that shows up, cleans and then disappears. I give detailed information about how I serve a woman because I am attracted to her, her brain and the fact that she is dominant and dominant to me. This "you need to establish your expectations" is not even an issue. I do that wholeheartedly. But when someone comes into the relationship with a sense of "what can I get out of this with the least amount of effort" BECAUSE they see this discussed constantly on message boards where someone indicates that he or she gets ALL of his or her pleasure from cleaning and having no involvement, establishing your expectations almost becomes irrelevant because there's an expectation from her that because someone who may be lying his ass off on a message board becomes the STANDARD for what she begins to expect from me, WITHOUT ONCE discussing that with me.
You see, I realized what my problem was (we had talked about this before) and I went forth and put forth the effort of fixing that. What I discovered was that it wasn't really just me that was causing the problems I kept running into. EVEN WITH the work I did to make sure there would NEVER be any type of miscommunication or missing information, it STILL happens, which indicates to me that like with all science, when an error keeps happening and you've already adjusted the variables, it's quite possible that the variables are outside the system.
So, my belief in this situation is that you are continuing to argue based on a past that has been seriously changed in the present by me. I don't usually ask for advice, receive really good advice, acknowledge it was really good advice, and then blow it off. I put forth serious changes to circumvent and plow through these problems I was having. Turns out, the problems can sometimes be external.
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