PairOfDimes
Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
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We're doing it pretty well. It seems key to be very compatible in nonsexual, nonkinky ways. I don't think it would work if we were monogamous--we have a strong primary relationship, but for a period of time we were de facto monogamous, concentrating on each other to the exclusion of others, and that didn't work very well. We occasionally switch with each other, but not as much as we used to, and that's an improvement, too--indeed, reluctant switching probably has something to do with why temporary monogamy didn't work. I think it's important to have a high imperfection tolerance--we're both pretty well okay with a little bit of wistfulness and dissatisfaction, because those moments are trivial considered together with all the wonderful things we *do* like about one another. We make it work, because it's better than not being together.
Most of the time, we act very much like a vanilla couple. He defers to me in certain ways, I defer to him in certain ways. (Just as they say it's best if you feel like your partner loves you a little more than you love your partner, it might be best for each dominant to feel like the other defers more.) Yes, we have little power-struggle arguments, in which I want my way, and he wants his way--doesn't everyone? But we don't have them nearly as much as new acquaintances seem to think we should. We're really very dull.
When we participate together in kink events, there have been awkward moments. It's sometimes uncomfortable when we're meeting new kinky people and they assume that one of us is submissive to the other, although over time we've developed a sense of humor about it and gotten more comfortable with gently telling people that they've guessed wrongly--and, too, while we don't do lots of posturing or monitoring of our own appearances, we've learned to avoid certain attributes or behaviors that telegraph "d/s relationship" (like wearing short 'choker' necklaces as fashion statements. Oops). This also lessened once we were well established in our local groups as a couple, and as a couple in which both partners identified as dominants and tops. While we have separate relationships and separate playtime, co-topping is a wonderful treat, because we get to enjoy BDSM together without either of us grumbling about taking on an uncomfortable role. Merging toy chests and trading skills is another wonderful thing about having a relationship with another dominant.
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