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Disposable Dominants - 7/30/2007 5:46:03 PM

aidan

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Joined: 5/28/2005
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Ok, in the "Ask a Mistress" forum AAkasha made a pretty interesting thread about "disposable subs", asking whether Female Dominants considered submissive men/women disposable, and at what point do they cease to be? MisPandora made a post wondering what the flip-side of that question would be: Do submissives think of Dominants as disposable, and at what point does that end in a relationship? Does it at all?

Personally, no, I don't. I consider my time valuable, and I'm on the lookout for a deeper and more satisfying relationship. Even friends who I play with casually are that, they're friends, and I don't think that's something easily tossed aside.

That said, like was posted by a lot of Women in the sister (Mother?) thread, I wouldn't feel too bad about cutting away from somebody if I thought there was an impasse, or something felt really fishy. MisPandora put it pretty well. There's a line between separating the wheat from the chaff, and disposing of someone who is Dominant, comptable and caring.

Well, she didn't say it from that side, obviously, I'm paraphrasing. But you get the idea.

I thought it would be something interesting to ask, especially from female submissives. Is the issue of disposability something that's a role issue, a gender issue, perhaps a mix of both? I think this'll be a good read.

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/30/2007 5:51:12 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
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My theory (from almost 13 years in practice and observation) is that female submissives for the most part will be more aghast to think about dominants being disposable or recyclable or easily interchanged than will a male in a similar position. Perhaps, this is due to my other thought that many fellows who profess the submissive role are more conditionally submissive and have a different objective (gratificiation) rather than service.

Another thought in freeform mode: An incongruency in expectations is likely the cause of why a dominant (or submissive) feels "disposable."

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Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 10:58:12 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan

Ok, in the "Ask a Mistress" forum AAkasha made a pretty interesting thread about "disposable subs", asking whether Female Dominants considered submissive men/women disposable, and at what point do they cease to be? MisPandora made a post wondering what the flip-side of that question would be: Do submissives think of Dominants as disposable, and at what point does that end in a relationship? Does it at all?

Personally, no, I don't. I consider my time valuable, and I'm on the lookout for a deeper and more satisfying relationship. Even friends who I play with casually are that, they're friends, and I don't think that's something easily tossed aside.

That said, like was posted by a lot of Women in the sister (Mother?) thread, I wouldn't feel too bad about cutting away from somebody if I thought there was an impasse, or something felt really fishy. MisPandora put it pretty well. There's a line between separating the wheat from the chaff, and disposing of someone who is Dominant, comptable and caring.

Well, she didn't say it from that side, obviously, I'm paraphrasing. But you get the idea.

I thought it would be something interesting to ask, especially from female submissives. Is the issue of disposability something that's a role issue, a gender issue, perhaps a mix of both? I think this'll be a good read.

I think its primarily a gender issue. But I tend to approach sex like a stereotypical man so when I was unfettered and juggling multiple play partner tops I saw them as being disposable. Basically to me that meant, if and when I found what I wanted I was willing to end the playing. Interestingly enough my owner and I started casually and there was a period where he was one of a few play partners I had and then things just developed and I realized that he wasn't someone I was willing to dispose of, and then I realized that he was what I was really looking for and wanted.... and it all went from there.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 11:21:37 AM

Celeste43

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There's something pretty sad when anybody considers another person a disposable thing instead of a person with feelings and needs. You may meet and not feel any chemistry to get you to meet a second time, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be honest and kind as much as possible.

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 2:07:33 PM

thirdPaw

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I think I'd go 100% with the sorting wheat from chaff answer. Once you've realised that someone is really worth investing yourself in, it is an awful shame to let things slip away. But on the internet at least, a lot of it is chaff so recognising that quickly is really helpful.

To that, I'd add that what you're looking for may well shape what you get. If you were to view relationships as being disposable, then disposable relationships is probably what you'll get. And Wildfleurs, above, must be the exception to the rule :)

I don't know if the intensity and the numbers make it more tempting for male submissives to be laissez faire. If you feel that the statistics are against you and you're in danger of throwing yourself headlong into something, then it may seem like a good defense is to play it cool so that you don't get hurt so much if things go wrong. I prefer to go into things with confidence myself, but I can see how people may think that way.

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 2:24:49 PM

littleone35

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Well i am not dure is disposable is the word i would use. Before i met Master i had a few play partners once i met Master i foujnd what i wanted so i told my play partners i was not allowed to play anymore. They were not disposable i am still friends with most of them i just was not playing with them anymore.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 2:55:35 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

I think its primarily a gender issue. But I tend to approach sex like a stereotypical man so when I was unfettered and juggling multiple play partner tops I saw them as being disposable. Basically to me that meant, if and when I found what I wanted I was willing to end the playing. Interestingly enough my owner and I started casually and there was a period where he was one of a few play partners I had and then things just developed and I realized that he wasn't someone I was willing to dispose of, and then I realized that he was what I was really looking for and wanted.... and it all went from there.

C~

Maybe it's not a gender issue. I've always done the same thing. Get what I want and be honest about it. When I find someone worth being exclusive to, then I am. When single, I will play with anyone I want, tell them it's just play and I will end it when I want.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 3:09:51 PM

Elegant

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Disposable relationships..a subject that I have been speaking about recently in regards to Master/slave relationships (which I define differently from Dominant/Submissive and Top/Bottom relationships). The following is from a presentation I recently made:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Master/slave relationships should not be short-term projects.

Unfortunately, that is how many people regard their relationships. How many times do we joke about Velcro collars and Master Of The Month clubs yet, it’s really nothing to laugh about. For those people, entering into Master/slave relationships is a frequent event, a union that they can shrug off like the latest fashion. Many have lost or never understood the ideal of Master/slave permanence. …..after all, if the relationship doesn’t work there is always someone else.

Treating these reverent relationships like a dating game devalues the significance of what we share…a bond that is based on devotion, respect, responsibility, service and commitment. It may seem easier to dismiss your slave or beg release from your Master when things are not going well but working on bettering the relationship is likely to make an even stronger bond.

Of course, sometimes, there is no other solution but to dissolve the union..it happened to me in a past life. Yet, to enter into a Master/slave relationship with the thought of ‘I can always get out of it if it’s not what I wanted’ is not an honorable commitment.

I made a commitment to Master Archer and a commitment to myself when I became his slave. Our life is not perfect and we do have our bad days but we work together to keep our bond strong. We do so out of reverence for ourselves and for our relationship.

Master/slave unions are entered into by mutual agreement and both Master and slave are honor bound to maintain the commitment they made. Is a person’s word so untrustworthy nowadays that it can be casually revoked on a whim? If you are not absolutely committed to spending you life in a particular Master/slave union then do not enter into that specific relationship.

It is important that we show this commitment and honor to promote the reverence of Master/slave relationships. It is vital that all of us who believe, stand as an example that Master/slave unions are more than a disposable whim.

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Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 5:52:39 PM

aidan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

Well i am not dure is disposable is the word i would use. Before i met Master i had a few play partners once i met Master i foujnd what i wanted so i told my play partners i was not allowed to play anymore. They were not disposable i am still friends with most of them i just was not playing with them anymore.

Matt's littleone

This is pretty much how I feel. I have made quite a few friends who I play with, but those relationships are casual. Beyond playing we're still friends, and stopping that wouldn't put an end to our friendships.

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 6:31:20 PM

classykindasassy

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I don't think "disposability" is an attitude peculiar to BDSM. Ya see it all over Vanillaland and maybe even more commonly. Back to MisPandora - it's all about gratification - once the chip bag is empty, they (gratification sluts) toss it out.

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 7:56:51 PM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Maybe it's not a gender issue. I've always done the same thing. Get what I want and be honest about it. When I find someone worth being exclusive to, then I am. When single, I will play with anyone I want, tell them it's just play and I will end it when I want.

Maybe its just that, about being absolutely clear and honest about what it is and what it is not. Or at least for me, it certainly always has been. With people who I was friends with and played, the friendship was the most important thing, play was just icing on the cake. And by virtue of them being friends they were not disposable.

But not everyone that I had some sort of sexual or kink based attraction to, did I want to be friends with and in those instances, given the option to pursue something more meaningful (like finding an owner), they were absolutely disposable. And in my owners instance, I fairly quickly realized that he was an important part of my life and not disposable.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 7/31/2007 8:37:55 PM

sublizzie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan
I thought it would be something interesting to ask, especially from female submissives. Is the issue of disposability something that's a role issue, a gender issue, perhaps a mix of both? I think this'll be a good read.

I don't play casually. The people I submit to are friends who I am committed to and who are commited to me. It's a group D/s dynamic so we're all committed to one another. Outside of that group, I am looking for a committed D/s relationship, not something I'd throw away like a used paper towel. I want someone who will commit to me that I can commit to completely.

I don't have issues with other people doing the disposable thing, but it's not part of who I am or how I choose to live my life.

Just my thoughts.......

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Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 8/1/2007 4:19:41 AM

MisPandora

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quote:

ORIGINAL: classykindasassy

I don't think "disposability" is an attitude peculiar to BDSM. Ya see it all over Vanillaland and maybe even more commonly. Back to MisPandora - it's all about gratification - once the chip bag is empty, they (gratification sluts) toss it out.

Interesting analogy. Thanks for sharing it!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Disposable Dominants - 8/1/2007 7:41:21 AM

VeryMercurial

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan
I thought it would be something interesting to ask, especially from female submissives. Is the issue of disposability something that's a role issue, a gender issue, perhaps a mix of both? I think this'll be a good read.

I don't play casually. The people I submit to are friends who I am committed to and who are commited to me. It's a group D/s dynamic so we're all committed to one another. Outside of that group, I am looking for a committed D/s relationship, not something I'd throw away like a used paper towel. I want someone who will commit to me that I can commit to completely.

I don't have issues with other people doing the disposable thing, but it's not part of who I am or how I choose to live my life.

Just my thoughts.......

I agree with what you just stated submizzie.
I don't participate in casual play for that same reason, I don't see people as disposable.
If we are not in some form of committed relationship, I can't engage with playing with you.
Emotionally it would be to hard for me, to play and then just totally walk away.

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