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RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 5:56:05 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

In the past three decades in the BDSm scene, I've encountered dozens of married female subs. That is, married subs whose husbands are too busy with their hectic careers and sports cars to notice that their wives have secret desires. How have people dealt with this? 


Wow the biases.  I've encountered dozens of married male subs in the last 5 years forget the last three decades. So this road goes two ways, my friend.

How do you know that the husbands are too busy ....blah blah to notice "secret" desires?  That's a bit presumptuous isn't it?  Maybe the wives never shared?  Maybe the wives don't like the husband?  Maybe the husband is as submissive as the wife? There are any number of scenarios including of course, yours.

Having said that:  I don't abide by lying and sneaking and cheating.  Not for the sake of them...if they want to screw around and ruin their relationship (regardless of what the relationship) that's their problem.  I simply don't want some derranged spouse coming after ME when they find out their spouse is getting bdsm on the side.  It is simply self preservation, my friend.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:07:38 AM   
TankII7871


Posts: 174
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		As the old song says girls if your married wear that ring.  I once had a girl for a couple of months that would always come to my house or meet us at lifestyle events.  She was divorced I later found out that was a lie.  I felt sorry for her husband because of what happened to him.  One night I caught him spying on us I almost shot the man.  The woman was ling to both of us.  Dealing with him and the fall out of what happened I wish I had shot him.  The woman lost her husband and her kid and yes I told the judge what all happened and gave the court logs of our talks.   So girls if your married wear that ring.  (who wants to show their age and tell me what song that line is from?)

Eric

(in reply to biracalsub4wmDom)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:13:48 AM   
alenaF


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		this girl has a question for A/all who have commented with "cheating" addressed in the thread. 

What do Y/you consider "cheating"?

Is it the other in the relationship not knowing?  Is it an open marriage and the other not participating?  Or in a poly relationship even though it is open and upfront details not being shared when the other(s) are not involved?

What in Y/your opion is considered cheating?

On the idea that husbands are to busy and male subs:

this one would also like to say it may not be so much that the husbands are busy or with a sports car, but perhaps they have discovered a need of their own they wish to have fullfil.  Perhaps it is an open marriage/poly relationship and the men have a very submissive wife and need someOne Dominant or perhaps the other way around. Or perhaps they have a fetish/desire for the same sex or ts/tg a wife could not possibly provide satisfation to that desire, but on the other hand may approve of him seeking some out who could. 

this one thinks personally until the whole story is know and points of veiw/understanding defination of certain words such as cheating nothing even online roleplaying should be done.  Honesty is always best and a secret will eat away at someO/one, but in this day and age the idea of marriage and a relationship has changed.

(in reply to biracalsub4wmDom)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:14:03 AM   
biracalsub4wmDom


Posts: 109
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		TankII7871...
when you say "wear that ring" do you mean be honest about it, or just don't get involved with it in the first place?

_____________________________

blessings...

biracialsub

***Please respect that I am OWNED & not seeking a Master. Thank You***




(in reply to TankII7871)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:19:47 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alenaF

this girl has a question for A/all who have commented with "cheating" addressed in the thread. 

What do Y/you consider "cheating"?

Is it the other in the relationship not knowing?  Is it an open marriage and the other not participating?  Or in a poly relationship even though it is open and upfront details not being shared when the other(s) are not involved?

What in Y/your opion is considered cheating?

On the idea that husbands are to busy and male subs:

this one would also like to say it may not be so much that the husbands are busy or with a sports car, but perhaps they have discovered a need of their own they wish to have fullfil.  Perhaps it is an open marriage/poly relationship and the men have a very submissive wife and need someOne Dominant or perhaps the other way around. Or perhaps they have a fetish/desire for the same sex or ts/tg a wife could not possibly provide satisfation to that desire, but on the other hand may approve of him seeking some out who could. 

this one thinks personally until the whole story is know and points of veiw/understanding defination of certain words such as cheating nothing even online roleplaying should be done.  Honesty is always best and a secret will eat away at someO/one, but in this day and age the idea of marriage and a relationship has changed.


This thread is not about poly.  I am very happily married and my husband meets all of my potential partners and is quite happy to support my needs that he can't fill. 

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to alenaF)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:30:22 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		People tend to justify their actions in their own eyes.  Rather than give up a relationship that meets some of their needs, in their eyes, they see the disregard of their partner of their own needs as justification of going out & getting what they feel they need. 

It doesn't make it right, but to them, it justifies them cheating to get what they want.  Each person has their own definition of cheating.  Some feel it is not cheating, if they don't put their heart into it. Some feel it is not cheating if they don't actually cum inside of the person, or have cum put inside of them.  Sometimes, each person in a particuliar relationship has differing ideas of cheating. 

(in reply to alenaF)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:32:29 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Because of what I am looking for now (D/s within a relationship), I wouldn't consider a married submsissive, above-board or not. 

In the past, I spent time with a submissive man who was married.  Both he and his wife were in their early 50s, and she expressed an openness to bringing new experiences into their marriage, and within certain parameters, was fine with him seeing me.  I liked our arrangement, as much for her generosity as for who he was.  It was challenging, though, as he processed his feeling of guilt and his need to balance the relationships.  It took up a signifigant portion of his energy, and that was wearing.

I have played with a submissive who was married and whose wife was unaware of his activity.  Other than the ethics of it, there was a lot of compartmentalization that I didn't care for.  A big part of submission, for me, is transparency, and that's clearly something missing with a married sub.  Because he is lying to his primary partner, it makes *our* dynamic feel false as well, and it makes the D/s fall flat.  Urp.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to biracalsub4wmDom)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 6:52:41 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		about a month ago I was talking to a sub couple about getting to know each other and exploring scening with each other.  Then one day I was talking to a Domme friend of mine who is also on this site, she asked what nic my friends were using, I told her and she told me this: That is not a sub couple.  It is an idiot of a guy who likes cheating on his wife. she was playing with him at his house while the wife was supposedly away on a business trip, well she wasn't and caught them in the act.  Apparently he had done that before and while she was open to the idea of being poly, he kept insisting that he wanted to be monogamus.  Basically he got off on cheating.  So after that messy experience I do not play with married people unless I know them and their spouse.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 7:13:07 AM   
Nevershyau


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/2/2007
From: Sydney
Status: offline 		sub one was an ex G/F & when we were together it was vanilla with a twist, one day she rings & asks can she come over which I said yes to. When she arrived she has an overnight bag but says nothing about it so we just talk, drink coffee etc she then tells me that she thinks I might be able to help her as she has been naughty & feels she needs to be punished & procedes to pull out rope, leather belts, a nice swishy cane & assorted things so yes we played & was both our first BDSM experience around 20 years ago, I was single but did know about her B/F that wasn't at all interested in playing games & had a low sex drive. We carried on for several years exploring the lifestyle, her relationship with that guy failed but she did eventually find a keeper & he is her Dom.

sub two was married to a hubby who had an online sub in another country that he had visit him each year & wife had no say in it & they didn't live the lifestyle & of course he didn't want her seeking any other male ever not even when he ignored his wife for the month the visiting sub was here so she wanted to know about the lifestyle & she was very cheeky, a real challenge, we had several fun sessions with her understanding more about the lifestyle & found she wanted more but never did leave hubby & he never had her as a sub, there sex life did improve & he cut the sub loose.

I guess one marrage saved / one relationship dead but for the better & for those keeping score.

sub three was also married but in an abusing one with no sex, she was only in it for the sake of her son. This sub lasted with me till she died several years ago now. She had told me many times how I made her marrage livable.
One marrage saved / one marrage made livable / One relationship Dead but for the better .... Keeping score.

sub four lied & said she was divorced so free to play but panic set in when I left marks so she told me she was married so cut her loose then & there.

on & on, never ruined a relationship / marrage of any that wasn't doomed anyway, many said their marrage was better for getting their bit of play.

I was single all through this period but now married to My sub so no venture into anything she isn't involved in, this is My decision.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 7:26:04 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alenaF
this girl has a question for A/all who have commented with "cheating" addressed in the thread. 

What do Y/you consider "cheating"?

Is it the other in the relationship not knowing?  Is it an open marriage and the other not participating?  Or in a poly relationship even though it is open and upfront details not being shared when the other(s) are not involved?

What in Y/your opion is considered cheating?

If you feel you have to hide it, it's cheating.

Doesn't matter what "it" is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to alenaF)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 8:26:04 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Well, this isn't exactly the answer to the OP question, but the thread has been somewhat derailed, so I feel it's appropriate to bring forth my comments into the discussion.

I have been involved with a few married dominant women in my time. Always, it was husband approved, and in all cases, I met the husband at one time and realized there was no problem there. But having said that, there were always problems with these types of relationships that came out of left field, but always had something to do with the marriage. In a few cases, the husband and wife were really heading towards divorce, but they just weren't ready to face it yet, and me being there only managed to make things worse. An example: One husband was freely seeing submissive women and his wife (my mistress) was supposed to be able to freely see submissive men (or women, I guess), but the second she took a personal slave (me), things kind of went nuts. It turned out that it was okay for him to have a personal female slave, but the second she had one, the whole dynamic changed, and he became this really ugly, jealous guy.

Okay, another circumstance was more involving me. The woman's husband just creeped me the hell out. He creeped HER the hell out as well, but they were married, and I guess they were working out the "problems". I couldn't stick around for that. It was just, well, creepy.

I figured out a long time ago how a married couple could actually work for me, and as strange as it sounds, it makes complete sense to me. I figured that if I was ever to get involved with a married couple, I'd probably have to do it as a team with a female submissive who I ended up marrying. Yeah, I know it sounds strange, but I kind of worked out the emotional issues, and it seems that only in such a circumstnance could it really work for me. Otherwise, I've decided I'm sticking to single women only.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 8:26:49 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I posted a thread on Married people a while ago. Most people said if he/she is married and lieing about it and cheating it is a deal breaker.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 8/2/2007 8:28:16 AM >

(in reply to biracalsub4wmDom)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 8:43:01 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		WE have had encounters with married subs,females in the majority,I won't play with a female that her partner doesn't know she is doing it.bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 10:09:00 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i have found that even if the person is in an open relationship and you get to know the spouse and everything is approved, once the ball gets rolling the rug gets pulled because the spouse starts to become insecure.   And people wonder why spouses end up hiding it. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 10:32:34 AM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		I'm married, But my husband is also my dom. However we have an open relationship and play with others on occasion so long as the other agrees it is ok. We haven't had any jealous issues what so ever.

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 10:46:19 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I find it very odd that in a lifestyle where being able to "trust" your partner is paramount, how one can justify the fact that they will lie and cheat to get what they want to do anything towards establishing that trust.  The crap about "staying for the children", etc. is all more excuses.  Yes, divorce can be very difficult, and no one should have to deny "who they are".  But being deceitful about it is still denying who you are.  Interestingly enough, I don't think many of these people who justify it by saying their spouse can't meet "those needs" would be VERY unhappy to find out their vanilla spouse was engaging in a vanilla affair.  It is never right to be dishonest, in my opinion even more so with someone you vowed to be true to forever.  If you can't talk to your spouse about your feelings and desires, how good can your relationship be anyway?

For those who do it with the consent of their partner...I would still never become involved in a situation like that, but at least no one is being dishonest and everyone is aware of what is going on. 

(in reply to Casie)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 11:06:21 AM   
instynctive


Posts: 2726
Status: offline 		Fast reply:

"BDSM" does not automatically equal "sex".  I see no issue with it, male or female.




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(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 11:09:10 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

In the past three decades in the BDSm scene, I've encountered dozens of married female subs. That is, married subs whose husbands are too busy with their hectic careers and sports cars to notice that their wives have secret desires. How have people dealt with this? 


Well...I dont meet married female submissives,BUT I do encounter
many married male submissives,especially being a Pro-Domme.

I feel E/everyone should have a chance to explore in a safe enviroment.
There is no sex play,so I dont see how its cheating,some may say that them being here instead of with their family is taking something away from his family,not true,if they have family things to do thats where they are.When they have free time they session.I have to say that when a submissive leaves here happy it carries on
in their personal life.So how does that hurt his family unit?

Some of them have permission to be here and some SO's have come to watch.
The one thing I ask is that they be honest about being married/involved,so far everyone has...well excpet one and he was promptly given the boot,with no second or third chance.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 3:04:17 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

but if he did, he would freak out....call me a whore (and not in a good way),  & probably go into some sort of manic depression...leave me & try to take my kids stating


I'm not judging you because I also cheated and understand the need.  However, they usually do find out and maybe you want to think more about whether it is worth risking losing your kids over. My Hubby found out because my dom posted some pictures of me, without my permission, in a photo contest on a cam site and Hubby saw them.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to biracalsub4wmDom)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Married subs - 8/2/2007 3:13:54 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		If I'm not getting into a relationship with them and/or I don't know their husband, I really don't give a fuck. As long as it doesn't effect me, why should I care.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 40
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