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Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 12:06:59 PM

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I was going to ask this specifically of male subs and femdoms, but I suppose it would apply to anyone. Have you ever met someone online via a kink oriented site like collarme, and realized after a few interactions (phone, real life, whatever) that they really aren't dom or sub at all -- that they really just were using a kink site as another way to meet people?

Akasha

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 12:24:20 PM

kc692

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YES!!!!! I think we have seen a few on the forums also, smiles.....

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 12:26:03 PM

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Perhaps you should have asked "WHO had not"

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 12:30:08 PM

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haha! I havn't.

But then again, nobody ever shows interest in me lol.

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 12:30:18 PM

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So where they just swinger then? Or 2 singles friends...looking for someone.? wow... I've not seen that one. Sorry that happened to you...if it did...smiles...

Yes, i'm having a day.....lol...I'm going to go play on the slip and slide....

Tempest's pet
jennifer

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 2:30:10 PM

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absolutely..lol

i guess it comes with the territory..

cheers
jimini

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 2:31:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

absolutely..lol

i guess it comes with the territory..

cheers
jimini

So how does this happen? How do you find out? Do they admit they are really not into bdsm? Or do they "fake it" and you just can tell they aren't for real?

Akasha

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 2:35:49 PM

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Well one time we went out to dinner with another couple, and the lady started ranting at her dominant over something and his response was along the lines of "but honey...". That was a clue <laughing>. I find public displays like that distasteful, so needless to say we did not continue that friendship.

best regards,
f

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 2:55:16 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

So how does this happen? How do you find out? Do they admit they are really not into bdsm? Or do they "fake it" and you just can tell they aren't for real?

Akasha

Most often I can tell immediately from the first email. But I will send back the ususal questions asking for more information regarding the dedication to the lifestyle, what drives them, etc. I either don't get an answer at all, or a reply that sidesteps the issues. It all ends up coming down to wanting someone to feed their personal kink, at their convenience.
I actually had an email from a local boy under one name, and then the boy wrote another email to My roomate under his Dom profile (in error) and gave himself away by referring to Me in his email to Her. He admitted that he had the Dom profile up to get sex, but insisted that he was truly submissive.
I also tend to explore the relationship patterns of boys. Many have been divorced several times, or are still married, but have affairs, or have been engaged three times, but can't ever seem to make it to the courthouse or altar. And I have to wonder at the number of Dommes who have died. I have had that reason for why one is looking more times than I care to think about. Of course, now there are no references, because the Lady they served so faithfully for so many years is 6 feet under. Perhaps this is true in rare cases, but I seem to get this story alot more than seems feasible.
I think this happens alot, and for some reason, boys come here (and other kink sites) thinking it is an easy gateway to casual kink. If one has a profile up as a FemDom, We are immediately interested in their bodies and available for sex. Hence the inordinate amount of comments and questions about "who should pay" and why should I have to pay". There is no courtship, there is no real interest in anything beyond the picture and the list of interests, and there is no real commitment.
That is how I weed, and weed, and it is amazing to Me how many boys even advance to phone call level with Me, and will speak to Me on the phone for several days, and for several hours at a time, but when push comes to shove, or it gets inconvenient, it ends.
They want what they want on their schedule. When I am not available when they want Me to be, they suddenly lose interest.
They are into the kink, but when it is convenient for them, and on their terms. Because they enjoy the role play, when they are in the mood, they think they are into the lifestyle. I question carefully, and then they will usually admit that they are more like "swingers with a twist". I question their service in the past, what the expectations of the the Domina(s) were, and how those expectations were met. Most often I find that they did not live in...only spent a few weekends with the Lady, and the relationship was more vanilla, flavored with a little kink.
And I believe there are those who believe they are really sincere, but they have major fantasies, and when the Domina doesn't fit every aspect of that fantasy there is no flexibility on their end. I had one boy who had been building a second home for over 20 years and it still wasn't done. But his fantasy was to build Me a home. That is a very sweet thought, but I am a bit more practical than that. I would rather be out of the rain. He was less interested in doing the dishes and more interested in being a romantic knight who could build Me My castle. I don't need or want a castle. That sort of blasted a hole in his dream.
There are many aspects I look at, but the most important is what drives them to this lifestyle and why they feel they would wish to serve Me. Most of the time they can't answer, and it really isn't Me they want. They just want a kinky play partner, and My picture is cute. I an honest about the reality and My expectations, and that is usually enough to turn then away. As I said to one boy, this isn't a case of coming home from work and saying "Hi, honey, I'm home, but I had a hard day at the office and I'm not feeling particularly submissive tonight!" I am a reasonable person, but if you just want to be in a role when it suits you, then it isn't going to work. This has to be a core part of your being. It has to be who you are. Most of them are not this way.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 7/1/2005 3:14:57 PM >

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 3:56:22 PM

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quote:

So where they just swinger then?

I'm not sure you understand what a swinger is, or at the very least, we don't have the same understanding of the word swinger.

I am a swinger on top of being involved in WIITWD. There are swingers that are relatively vanilla (I mean how vanilla can you be when you like to see your wife fucked by another man) and there are swingers that are into WIITWD.

I think that "curious" might be the better word. We all start out somewhere, right? But I do believe it is important to be honest.

I don't mind that people come here exploring or curious. I'm not a big believer in the purity of this lifestyle but that is the subject of another post.

I exchanged with a guy on b.com that had a profile said he was Pro Dom, listed one of his specialities as being a single tail and then messaged me looking for a Mistress. When I chatted with him, I realised that he was overall sexually very inexperienced. I came down on him hard and explained to him that he had to be honest. He trashed that profile and started a fresh one stating exactly what his position was, inexperienced yet attracted to the dynamics and still unsure what side of the dynamics that wanted to be on.

Now I have to say, sometimes the way some people treat the inexperienced and the newbies here as wannabes, I don't blame some people for overcompensating because they want to fit in. Remark that I never said it was right.

- LA

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 4:45:52 PM

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From: Burlington, Ontario
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I was going to ask this specifically of male subs and femdoms, but I suppose it would apply to anyone. Have you ever met someone online via a kink oriented site like collarme, and realized after a few interactions (phone, real life, whatever) that they really aren't dom or sub at all -- that they really just were using a kink site as another way to meet people?

Akasha

*LOL* Most definately, I would say with the FemDommes, the plastic ones have heard about men who will do anything for you and figure that is a good deal, they don't have the faintest clue about the responsibility of being a Domme or of the depth of the interaction. In the case of male subs (and male Doms), the plastic ones see it as a sure way to get laid. For some reason the plastic ones disappear when I tell them that a real Domme may not allow her sub to cum for as long as a year. I never say that is what I do, I just say it can happen.

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 5:03:55 PM

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From: West Palm Beach, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I was going to ask this specifically of male subs and femdoms, but I suppose it would apply to anyone. Have you ever met someone online via a kink oriented site like collarme, and realized after a few interactions (phone, real life, whatever) that they really aren't dom or sub at all -- that they really just were using a kink site as another way to meet people?

Akasha

Have I met (email/chat) someone 'unkinky' via an online kink oriented site: Yes, almost daily

by phone: yes again, but not nearly as often since I tend to weed out persons that are not 'like-minded' very quickly

in person at a fetish event: yes this has happened often

I would agree with your suggestion, that they are using these venues for yet another way to find a hook-up/meet others.

MstrssPassion

<edit>
One thing that really puzzels me is this... How many times has anyone met someone through fetish/kink or D/s related venues & actually make a great connection just have them go poof??

I have had this happen & it has happened to more than a few of my friends over the years. We have discussed it at great lengths & the best reasoning we have come up with is that often people retreat once they are faced with the reality of their most wanted desire & they freak out/get scared.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 7/1/2005 5:11:06 PM >

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 5:40:53 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShoshin
For some reason the plastic ones disappear when I tell them that a real Domme may not allow her sub to cum for as long as a year. I never say that is what I do, I just say it can happen.

roflmao...That is a good one! I am too damn honest. It never occured to Me to throw that out as some food for thought.
Now I have had boys who tell Me that they can't continue on with Me if they are not guaranteed they can sleep in My bed with Me. They say it is too hard because they are already falling in love, and they would be miserable if they couldn't make love to Me. That response is based on My refusal to guarantee intimate intercouse if they come to Me as a live-in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

One thing that really puzzels me is this... How many times has anyone met someone through fetish/kink or D/s related venues & actually make a great connection just have them go poof??

I have had this happen & it has happened to more than a few of my friends over the years. We have discussed it at great lengths & the best reasoning we have come up with is that often people retreat once they are faced with the reality of their most wanted desire & they freak out/get scared.

Yes, this happens often. One of two things. Either they get scared that what they think they want could actually happen and they are not ready or not really sure..or they are using these sites as a conduit to make whatever contact they can at their own comfort level (i.e. private chat, phone) and then if it gets time to actually meet, "shit or get off the pot" so to speak, they run like hell and you never hear from them again.

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 6:14:24 PM

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Over time, I've been contacted by several people here and on other sites where it became clear they were using this "kink" as a way to find a husband. Essentially, I think they had some idea it would simplify the process of two people adjusting to each other, once they became involved. Either that, or they just had a very shallow understanding of this lifestyle and perhaps relationships in general.

Outside of these situations, I've had a few who were ready to jump right in and start giving orders, setting up a time for relocating, and laying out what the day to day will be like...all in a matter of a few emails and a couple hours on the phone! This is outside what you're asking but I thought I'd mention it.

anthrosub

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 6:35:54 PM

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quote:

This has to be a core part of your being. It has to be who you are. Most of them are not this way.

I will respectfully disagree. I will say that some people are simply curious and they are allowed to be. Not everyone needs to be either vanilla or lifestyle. There is a lot of room to play in the middle.

Again, as I said in my post, this doesn't excuse misleading or lying. But again, the pressure to fit in will explain the over compensation.

- LA

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 7:16:48 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

This has to be a core part of your being. It has to be who you are. Most of them are not this way.

I will respectfully disagree. I will say that some people are simply curious and they are allowed to be. Not everyone needs to be either vanilla or lifestyle. There is a lot of room to play in the middle.

Again, as I said in my post, this doesn't excuse misleading or lying. But again, the pressure to fit in will explain the over compensation.

- LA

I agree, LA, and I am mistaken to only address this issue from the side of the boys who are seeking live-in positions. I also have room for live-outs, but I do take those relationships more seriously also. I have a couple of friends that I get together with, here and there, and there is no real D/s involved at all. It is the kink. Topping and bottoming. And it is fun. But I don't just get together with anybody for that kind of fun.
And yes, this does not excuse the lying or misleading. Because I am going to get to know anyone before I play with them or even take them on in a live-out capacity. So there is no reason to exaggerate.

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Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 7:47:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
haha! I havn't.
But then again, nobody ever shows interest in me lol.

Karbon, the reason no one shows interest is that any self respecting woman would respect another Lady's property (which you are) and not try to interfere in the other lady's relationships... Aside from that (and your age

), we'd be all over you.. M

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/1/2005 10:33:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I was going to ask this specifically of male subs and femdoms, but I suppose it would apply to anyone. Have you ever met someone online via a kink oriented site like collarme, and realized after a few interactions (phone, real life, whatever) that they really aren't dom or sub at all -- that they really just were using a kink site as another way to meet people?

Definitely. Especially when I first started meeting people, I was amazed at how many thought by calling themselves a dom and saying they wanted a submissive, it was an easy way to get laid, although I'm sure some of those really believed that IS what the lifestyle is about.

The line I remember best was: "I can be dominant if you want me to."

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/2/2005 7:15:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold
I agree, LA, and I am mistaken to only address this issue from the side of the boys who are seeking live-in positions. I also have room for live-outs, but I do take those relationships more seriously also.

I know you have very high D/s standards for your boys. And I respect that 100%. Oddly enough, I can have a very submissive boy as a play partner, but as a long term partner, I need someone a little more independent, more of a dominant personality that matches mine with the desire to submit to me and only me.

So essentially, this boils down to there are different kinds of people out there that match up with different kinds of desires.

quote:

I have a couple of friends that I get together with, here and there, and there is no real D/s involved at all. It is the kink. Topping and bottoming. And it is fun. But I don't just get together with anybody for that kind of fun.

And I think it's wonderful that you can see the other perspectives. In fact, I know you always express a lot of tolerance for difference.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if tolerance was contagious?

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Bait and Switch -- So they aren't kinky after all? - 7/2/2005 7:17:20 AM

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quote:

Especially when I first started meeting people, I was amazed at how many thought by calling themselves a dom and saying they wanted a submissive, it was an easy way to get laid, although I'm sure some of those really believed that IS what the lifestyle is about.

And perhaps they fit someone else's definition of what a Dom should be and they made someone else very happy.

I've been told by a number of people that I was not a real Domme. I’ve been told by a number of people that I’m an excellent Domme. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I know who I am and what it is that I want and in the end, you can call me a Rutabaga and it won't change a damn thing.

- LA

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(in reply to harmony3709)

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