vield
Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
|
Welcome to BD/SM, zuki!
I believe your thoughts and reactions are totally normal and very typical of many male or female submissives meeting a dominant they hope to connect with for the 1st time. Lots of times doms feel something similar.
Often people "chicken out" and never show for the 1st meeting. This includes doms and subs. It is not good but is a fact of life. Often people are a bit less than totally honest about themselves on line, and the 56 year old married lady may realize it is not going to be easily to convince her on line cyber lover she is 22 and single, as advertised. All genders and all power levels have folks who try this at tmes.
These fears of yours are your best advisors. We have instincts left over from the days when there really could be a lion outside of our cave waiting, and if we pay attention to them we can save ourselves a lot of grief.
I suggest that even if one or both of you are traveling long distances for the 1st meeting that you both agree to meet casually in a safe place such as a major restaurant, spend some time talking and getting to know each other, and then shake hands and agree when you next will meet. No play, no sex, no real trust until you really know each other. That trust may not be on the 1st meeting, or even the 4th or 5th for some.
I know VERY well how bad the cravings can be, and how one can fear not complying may lose this chance. Experience often teaches us there can be many chances, and that we are best not settling for things we are not happy with or are not ready for.
Most of the time I recommend that people seek partners in local BD/SM social and discussion groups in their area, because that way you see and talk to people before trying to make connections, and often you can get opinions from the rest of the group about someone. In your case you already have a connection so that will not work.
I recommend not to give out your home address or land line phone number to anyone until you truly feel you have found mutual respect and trust. I also recommend on the 1st date you set up safe calls, with a trusted friend knowing where you are and who you are meeting. I suggest you do not share a room or tell the other what hotel you are staying in, that you provide your own transportation to and from the dinner, and that you carry your (charged) cell phone, and enough $$ to pay fr your dinner bill and transportation back. One interesting possibility is to tell the dom or sub you are meeting that you are attending the meeting with an experienced and trusted friend.
Watch for "red flags", for danger signals, and if you think these are present, make any excuse and leave. You could be wrong and if so your new dom may tease you about this for years. But if you are correct, you could be in danger.
Watch for any indication that a potential partner is not respecting your wishes, is not respecting your limits, is pushing you faster or farther than you wish to go, or is obviously not experienced in things they claim to know. It is a shame, but there are too many folks of all genders and preferences who will claim to be whatever a potential partner is seeking, whether this is true or not, just to get into someone's pants.
If both of you decide this is the real thing, and decide mutual respect and trust is assured, remember that one need NOT try to fulfill a lifetime's worth of fantasies in the first session of play. Negotiate what both wish to try then negotiate more or different, or less, whatever really works for you. Your reactions to different types of play will change according to your physical well being, and something you usually crave may not be good for you today. A woman's body cycle will affect what she can do or wishes to do. Men's biorythms can affect them too.
Inexperience is NOT always a bad sign, if it has been honestly brought up. It can be incredibly sweet to learn submission as your partner learns dominance. No matter how new a person may be to BD/SM, I learn from them as they learn from me.
Consensuality is all parties involved are adults who knowingly consent to everything which is done. Consent for anything can be withdrawn at any time with no permission from anyone else, and this must be respected by all. Else you have abuse, not BD/SM.
No one has any right to give you any orders or to expect obediance from you unless you have knowingly consented to grant them these rights.
I suggest that no decisions be made or play be tried if anyone involved appears to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Do I always follow everything I preach? No, I am human and I have made lots of mistakes over the years. I do try to learn from these though.
Best of luck and I hope you safely find your way to whatever you need to do.
_____________________________
As always, your mileage may vary!
vield
|
first realtime nerves - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread