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Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses abou... - 7/3/2005 9:07:14 AM

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I think the common one I hear from male subs -- when they have "confessed" to a vanilla wife, lover or girlfriend -- that they were submissive is that the woman was surprised/shocked/disgusted. It's common to hear that these women thought BDSM was a sexual disorder, or too weird, or it must be from some childhood 'issues.'

I'd be curious to hear what kinds of things people have heard from partners who they dated for some period of time, or even married, and didn't confess their kinks to until much later. How did you confess your kinky side (or, were you caught?) and what did your partner say? What misconceptions did they have about kink?

Akasha

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 9:16:59 AM

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Most of the time that I've come forward about my kink, the reaction has tended to be acceptance and quite often an interest in exploring it themselves. That has a lot to do with the fact that I wouldn't be involved with a woman if she wasn't already somewhat dominant in personality anyway.

With that being said, I've discovered that such circumstances work to act as a great gateway for women into a kinky lifestyle; they just don't bring me along for the ride once introduced to the whole world of it. An example: There are three very well known professional dominants in the scene today who were introduced to bdsm by actually dating me while we were in somewhat of a vanilla relationship. I've somewhat figured out why this happens to me (and honestly, I don't feel like sharing), but it is somewhat interesting.

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 9:28:37 AM

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My current partner's reaction was interesting. He was worried that I would want things that were more extreme then he was interested in (the only knowledge he had was from porn movies and pictures), but when we continued to discuss it and he agreed to try some things. Once we started he began to realize that he very much enjoyed the things that I desired. There are times that I will mention something that I want to try that is out of his comfort zone and vis-versa, but we always compromise and it has been a wonderful relationship thus far.

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 10:04:38 AM

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I suppose for us that first conversation went well. He seemed a little surprised but he listened quietly while I stumbled through my explanations. He was taken aback by how much reading I'd already done and I think he was nervous when he realized how serious I was about it. I told him that I would like him to be more dominant towards me, that I'd like him to read all of the material I'd pulled together that I thought would be interesting and helpful to him, and that I wanted us to explore this together. Then I told him that I'd leave him alone about it until he felt comortable with the idea, comfortable with acting on it. I was being honest when I told him that I didn't want to pressure him into doing this until he was ready.

The problem came from his wanting to do these things because he knew they'd make me happy and feeling I wasn't being honest about saying he could take all of the time he needed. He told me about a week ago that early on, after we talked, he felt I was being passive aggressive by dropping all of that into his lap and then wandering off... to watch him from afar, he said. He felt I was judging him, and if he didn't perform perfectly right away, then I'd be angry. Unfortunately that sort of reception did lead to a couple of disastrous play scenes. He didn't do any reading or planning ahead of time to prepare himself, and I was trying so hard to be perfect, to put him at ease, that I didn't speak up when things started going wrong.

He did admit that he couldn't think of another way I might've brought it up without it seeming that way to him. There was no easy way, really.

We've had several long talks since then and both of us have adjusted our initial expectations. He's been making an effort to take what I say at face value (before he tended to read meanings into what I said that weren't there at all) and I'm making the effort to keep things playful and not too serious. We've both been pretty open about the fact that he will never be a dominant, much less A Master, but I'm luckier than a lot of married-to-vanilla submissives in that he is at least willing to top me.

It's taken about five months for him to become comfortable enough to do that.

It has been a challenge, working on his preconceived notions of what a submissive has to be and what a dominant has to be. He still behaves sometimes as if there's some mental script he's following, doing the things he thinks the dominant half has to do, but I think that might improve with time.

The other big challenge has been getting him to talk about this stuff before we do anything. Instead of asking me about what I've fantasized about, he tends to just leap in and do the things he thinks me-as-submissive would like. Again, he's better now than he was.

(in reply to siamsa24)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 10:26:22 AM

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I had kept this side of me hidden since childhood, and it was never revealed to my husband (when I was married) until I started to explore seriously online (4 years into our marriage). When I wanted to go to England to meet with some lifestyle friends from a UK chatroom I frequented, I decided to tell him. I talked about D/s in general and then shared that it was an interest of mine for a long time, and that I had an outlet online. He was shocked but very understanding. I think we both knew the viability of our marriage was not good at that point (we had other issues going on as well), but he was supportive of my exploration online and in real life with D/s groups. At no point did I ever feel that I wanted to explore D/s with him, and that was something that we discussed in depth. He was understanding about that as well.

Looking back now, and after I learned that he was gay (he came out after we separated) perhaps that was why he was so supportive. In any case, it was one of the most difficult things I ever did, and I was grateful that we were able to be so open about it.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 10:38:12 AM

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My most unfavorable response was with a recent ex. I told him up front about my preferences before we started dating. About 6 months in, I brought it up again, and his eyes got really wide and he said:

"You were serious?"

*sigh*

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 10:53:09 AM

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From my ex-husband collection:
#1 ex said i was sick and he would not hurt me (he was extremely verbally & emotionally abusive though)
#2 ex was a sadist so he toyed with it when he wished
#3 (this was a chat husband only) was mostly into total control and was a bit of a sadist
#4 (chat husband/rl boyfriend) thought i was nuts in general so didnt even get that far

From my ex-boyfriend collection:
one of them participated to see if he liked it but his specialty was humiliation mostly
another participated but thought i was nuts and didn't like it on his own
a penecostal boyfriend thought i was insane or demon possessed hahahaha

thats all i can think of, off the top of my head.....

< Message edited by zaynab -- 7/3/2005 10:54:25 AM >

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 11:34:32 AM

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have to add this because it's funny....
the penecostal boyfriend... when i was explaining the bsdm to him..... he reached over quickly and pinched my arm real hard, when i said "ow!" he said, see? you are not like that.... that hurt you.

hahaha

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 1:53:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zaynab

#3 (this was a chat husband only) was mostly into total control and was a bit of a sadist
#4 (chat husband/rl boyfriend) thought i was nuts in general so didnt even get that far

Could you define the term "chat husband"?

(in reply to zaynab)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 1:57:24 PM

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I was into this for 3 years before Hubby found out. My dom at the time had posted a pic of me in a photo contest on cam site. I was strapped naked to a door, and Hubby saw it. Needless to say He was very shocked and wanted an explantion. After a long talk his reaction was that He wanted to learn to be my Master and right then we headed to the toy store for some bondage gear and videos. I was very lucky He was so understanding.

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 2:03:35 PM

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My ex said I should see psychiatrist and grow up. Then he looked kinda funny for a minute and said at least now it made sense why I had tried to get him to blindfold me/tie me up all throughout the marriage.

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 2:27:29 PM

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Chat Husband ~ a man that i linked up with online only.
He lived in Canada and i live in the states. Neither of us could relocate but related exclusively as partners for one year. He had the same authority over me as a real life husband but being that he did not show up for 2 scheduled meetings in real life to consumate our "marriage" and I was as horny as can be..... someone else came along in my real life, saw the situation for what it was and stole me from him......

after all, sex is one of the majors for survival.... for me, anyway.........

oh yea, he also fell short when i asked him to help me direct my finances and file my taxes (the chat husband that is)

< Message edited by zaynab -- 7/3/2005 2:28:13 PM >

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 4:09:16 PM

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quote:

I'd be curious to hear what kinds of things people have heard from partners who they dated for some period of time, or even married, and didn't confess their kinks to until much later. How did you confess your kinky side (or, were you caught?) and what did your partner say? What misconceptions did they have about kink?

I haven't had many negative reactions. Then again, I never approached it as some kind of a confession. I just began to integrate it into our sex life and usually I got positive responses and then went in a little deeper with it. When I got a less positive response, I realised that we usually not sexually compatible.

A few factors that make this approach possible for me are that:
- I live in a very sexually open minded city/society
- I don't identify with "lifestyle", that is kinky is a part of me, but isn't who I am
- I actually do date vanilla now and then
- I'm highly intuitive and know how to figure out if someone will like to participate in something or not

- LA

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 6:19:14 PM

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When I was young, I was lucky enough to get involved with a lifestyle Dominant for a couple of years. After we broke up, I dated a more vanilla woman from my school that i'd always had a crush on. I made the mistake of thinking that because Marlena had enjoyed Dominanting me, so would my high school friend Mary. Wrong! Mary listened, tried incorporating some of it into our bedroom play, but really wasn't into it.

Then Mary told her older sister what I was into, and the older sister told the rest of their family. The next time I went to one of their family holiday dinners, I could sense that everyone was treating me coldly. When I asked Mary what was going on, she told me she'd told Kathleen everything, and that Kathleen had spilled the beans to the entire family. So there I say, with Mary's parents and siblings at the dinner table, them staring at me, knowing that i enjoyed being used and abused.

Later Kathleen told Mary that she knew everything about the BDSM lifestyle (she'd learned all about it on Heraldo!), and that I needed years and years of counselling. Ultimately we broke up over this.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/3/2005 11:33:20 PM

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I talk about BDSM with women I'm interested in as if it's entirely normal and expected. I don't get shock, gag or fear responses. I don't mention slavery unless I already know they're interested in 24/7 submission.

I think there's a particular creepiness factor in the confession aspect of talking about BDSM with someone.

My advice to everyone is to relax. Maybe find out their kinks before telling them yours. Don't be predatory. Answer questions. If available, it's a good idea to have a support group that can help you with this.

(in reply to Euryanx)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/4/2005 4:03:19 PM

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quote:

I think there's a particular creepiness factor in the confession aspect of talking about BDSM with someone.

Agreed! That is why I don't approach it as a confession.

quote:

My advice to everyone is to relax. Maybe find out their kinks before telling them yours.

Well this could require some give and take. I actually respect people who don't want to tell me their life story on the first date. I appreciate when getting to know someone is a mutual slow revealing.

- LA

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/4/2005 4:33:26 PM

flirt

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i am going to step outside the lines a little here, the question made me smile, my funny story is not involving a partner as stated but its funny to me.........

i told my mother, i had reasons. Anyway the first thing she asked me was if my "boyfriend" who was my Master, made me eat out of a dog bowl, and made me wear diapers or a leash.

i asked her what made her ask me something like that and she replied, "Well i saw it on Jerry Springer." Trying to explain to her that while some have such kinks or requirments in a relationship, i did not.

Now, to add to this story, my mother is deaf so explaining it to where she could understand was impossible. After that when she would see my Master she would just frown at Him. One of the last times we visited He wanted to bring in a dog bowl and set in on the floor and tell her it was mine.

flirt

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/4/2005 7:38:07 PM

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I had been dating this guy for a few weeks. I knew my desires had to come to the surface before too long and was deciding how to go about it. I thought of just frankly telling him, but decided against it because it might scare him off. I thought of subtly hinting, such as lingering for extended periods at the leather section of our local toy store, but thought he might never get the message. Then I came up with a plan. He might be more suceptible to the idea if he were already turned on. So there we were going at it, doggiestyle. I was facing away from him, so I felt a kind of brash, safe, invincibility. I worked up my nerve.

"Spank me." I whispered.

He stops mid-thrust.

Now what I hadnt considered in this genious plan of mine is that by the time we were having sex I would already be in that headspace and anything he said would be amplified ten-fold.

"You cant be serious." he said.

"Err...."

And then he starts laughing. He thought the whole incident was very frigging amusing, and I was horrified. I felt like the scene in Carrie when all the kids in the gymnasium were laughing at her. Needless to say, we broke up shortly!

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RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/4/2005 8:28:52 PM

Dragonzaymaster

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When I dicussed this topic with zaynab, not only was she thrilled she has been enthuastic!
My experience has been nothing but positive. I do believe I will have some conflicts with Dom's,sub's, and slave's but that is the spice of life. Not to mention you can teach and old dog new tricks, if they are hungry.

(in reply to foxglove716)

RE: Memorable reactions from telling partners, spouses ... - 7/5/2005 2:26:02 PM

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I usually bring it up as "wanna try something a little different?" But being I already have handcuffs for my job, women always ask to use them for some reason. If they like it and want to explore, goody goody goody, if not, well that is ok too. I wish people were just honest about what they want. You can't just hide it. And I find that if you are in the intimacy stage and telling of fantasies, then this is the perfect time to bring it out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

"Spank me." I whispered.

Now this is something I would love to hear when in vanilla mode.

< Message edited by dominmd -- 7/5/2005 2:27:35 PM >

(in reply to foxglove716)

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