past that point... what do you do?

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past that point... what do you do? - 7/3/2005 9:19:51 AM

zaynab

Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
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question for the subs....
in the past i was married to a psychopath... during our often sadisitic sex experiences there was one point that i would get to.... that i am asking about....

after having sadistic type sex for awile, there came a point when i knew he was crossing over from just general hurtful or humiliating practices, into a true dangerous mode....

crossing a line into danger... an example would be using an object with a sharp point during manual intercourse that was sure to cause intense pain, bleeding and damage.....

but at that very moment.... something changed in me.... and i found that the intense fear
i felt along with my willingness to accept it for him... was the most fulfilling feeling i've ever had during sex.....

this has even gone so far, that at one time, while having s&m sex with someone else, at the height of passion, after much punishment and hog-tied on the bed with his hands wrapped around my throat, i asked him to kill me.

he knew i meant it and it scared the crap out of him, which he immediately ended our activities.

i've paid a heavy price for my willingness... mostly physically.... but that euphoric submission for the pain he felt he needed to give me..... was, well.... euphoric.

i have a loving Master now, who would never destroy my body that way, but that dark side is still there in me....

do any of you experience this "jump off the cliff with both feet first" feeling when you get to the point of true danger? ~ zay

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zaynab[DM]

quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

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RE: past that point... what do you do? - 7/3/2005 9:48:06 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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No, my sense of self protection is too strong. I've been pushed to that point a few times in my life...and my reaction to it when it occurs is what gives me the confidence to be able to play so casually, to be able to fuck so randomly, to meet people as I choose to meet them.

I'd suggest if someone hasn't been pushed to this place and forced to react to it, that they think long and hard about it and tread very carefully until they gain a sense of confidence and understand.

I adore fear play, I thrive on the intensity ofp rimal emotions, fear, anger, dread. But I know exactly when my self-protction will kick in as necessary when things go from "edgy" to "wrong"

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RE: past that point... what do you do? - 7/3/2005 10:13:38 AM

zaynab

Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
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i dont think i know how to do that yet..... my Dom doesnt take me to that place because he is not sadistic... but i have to wonder if in the past.... going into that insane 'destroy me with your desires' mode is some type of emotional purging for me or perhaps inclination of suicidal tendencies..... just wondering.......

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zaynab[DM]

quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

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RE: past that point... what do you do? - 7/3/2005 12:06:07 PM

Dragonzaymaster

Posts: 72
Joined: 6/18/2005
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In response to zaynab, the answer is yes to the euphoric high being pain to death. It is I believe a suffering as a redemption for sins real or impressed from the past. Guilt is the strongest control in a humans arsenal. It is like the question does clothing entice the rapist. Even though many people say no somewhere deep inside there is doubt, can it? Unless one has experienced the situation of 2 naked bodies writhing togather at the moment of penetration the lady suddenly says NO, and the male stops with an enormous erection wanting satisfaction. Yet he trys to figure a way in and still a no. He dresses and leaves or showers and jacks off to relieve the sensation. My point is right is right and wrong is wrong. To force oneself on another either knowing or not that damage is being done is not a cause for guilt for the victim. The bottom line is perhaps you deeply feel the only absolution for enticing others to use you is pain and death. It is a feeling stemming from guiltwith a helping of indignancy thrown in.

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