RE: who pays for what? (Full Version)

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BitaTruble -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 12:57:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain

when you are making plans for a real life meeting.. who pays for what.  the one i am speaking with is telling me it is fuly my dime. but being on a very low/limited budget i really cant afford to stay for the entire 2 weeks he wishs me to. if its my dime i can only stay a weekend..lol... between hotel plane fair food and so on.. i almost want to say no to the meet if thats the case. he speaks of real life soon 24/7 and marriage later but if its that serious in my eyes shouldnt he pay half? sorry to be blunt .. but if i am paying my whole way and the chance of play or even sexual encounters.. i dont want to come home feeling i got screwed in more ways then one....any ideas? thanks teri


Okay, a couple of things here. He hasn't even met you yet and he's already talking about 24/7 and marriage. He wants you for two weeks on your dime knowing you can't afford it. Why so long for a first meet? You're not owned so you get to make the decisions on how to spend your dollars and sense.

I think you should trust your gut, go with a weekend trip which you can afford and if things pop, you have plenty of time to make plans for the future. First trip, weekend on you.. other trips, split the cost. My 2 cents.

Celeste



came4U -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 1:21:35 PM)

oh SusanofO

cheapskates [:@]

don't get me started.  I am / have been going through this for many months with one of 'those'.

cheap = pathetic excuse of a man.

grrr.



kyraofMists -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 1:25:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
cheap = pathetic excuse of a man.


And what if the one who is cheap is not a man? 



came4U -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 1:31:36 PM)

well..yes, true. Generosity should be a given (no pun intended) for both sexes.  I only stated that because I know few cheapskate women. Also, men who want to date (I am old fashioned in this belief) should pay, should try to impress a gal.

We are talking ..this guy is sooo stubborn and cheapskate, he insists on not leaving his money to family who he hates but to the governemt instead (in his will when he passes).  I told him, umm what about a Children's Hospital? He said..'fuk them!'

yechhhh

but, this transends into his everyyyyyy day life.  Every detail, being restraunt tips, gifts, anything, he is a penny counter.  It makes me want to throddle him seriously, and quite frankly makes me ill.




KnightofMists -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 1:37:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain

when you are making plans for a real life meeting.. who pays for what.  the one i am speaking with is telling me it is fuly my dime. but being on a very low/limited budget i really cant afford to stay for the entire 2 weeks he wishs me to. if its my dime i can only stay a weekend..lol... between hotel plane fair food and so on.. i almost want to say no to the meet if thats the case. he speaks of real life soon 24/7 and marriage later but if its that serious in my eyes shouldnt he pay half? sorry to be blunt .. but if i am paying my whole way and the chance of play or even sexual encounters.. i dont want to come home feeling i got screwed in more ways then one....any ideas? thanks teri


You never met.... and he's talking 24/7 and marriage... well to be blunt!!! He's being reckless...

And your being just as reckless for believing him that this will happen.

Is it a possibility?  Yeah... maybe you both connect well and things do evolve to 24/7 and then marriage.  But until then... there is alot of other possibilities as well.  There is no rule of thumb  who should pay or who shouldn't pay.   Kyra already stated who paided the cost on the first meet.  When I went to see a previous girl several years back... I paid to go there.  It my feeling... if you going to go.. you pay the price to go and not expect it on someone else's dime.  Even when I flew to Florida the first time to see Kyra again.. I paid my way to get there.  But... like Kyra said.. I own her.... all the money is mine.. regardless of whose pocket it comes out of.



BeingChewsie -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 2:54:51 PM)

Quick reply:

The first time I flew I bought the plane ticket,(which after we met he reimbursed me for it by his own choice) he paid everything else and from that visit forward he paid everything. He paid 100% of my relocation expenses as well.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:09:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

A thought:
If she has stated she can come for a shorter period, and he demands a longer one, shuldnt that then imply that he should pick up the difference? 


That's where my head is at!  When he starts placing fiscal requirements on you, particularly if you don't have a lot of discretionary funds, it's time for him to pony up.  The combination of demands with an unwillingness to put out on his part smells like bullshit at best, creepitude at worst, particularly because he is dangling the marriage card in front of you.  Too much, too fast, and manipulative in a bad way.

If I were visiting someone for meet and greet, I would want him to *offer* to share expenses.  It's a very real way of showing that he is invested in the process (though I respect the reasoning of others who said that they paid their own way).

MSS



givemyall -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:22:31 PM)

Difficult one, especially on a first meet.  I met someone a while back that I had spoken to in length on the phone, on the net etc - we were always in contact with each other, got on like a house on fire etc.... we met and it didnt click between us, I just wanted out of there and he didnt feel the same way, he wanted to get close and I didn't - it was horrendous, very uncomfortable - he had travelled a long way to meet me and it made me feel like a right cow.  So its taught me not to make plans for long visits and wherever I meet someone it will be on mutual ground, then I can go my own way or him his.  Maybe you should meet in the middle for a short time, then both of you put the same amount of effort/money and time into the meeting - no hassle about money and the commitment is on a level footing. 

Hope it works out for you.



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:26:41 PM)

Nice point on keeping it short and sweet.  I've had similar experiences where we both thought it would be fanTAStic, and then we met in the flesh and ... it was terrible!  (laughing)  Nobody's fault, we just didn't mesh.

MSS



Celeste43 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:43:55 PM)

Tell him you can't afford to visit for that long and suggest he come to your town, send him info on local places to stay and things to do while you're working. Then let him make up his own mind if he wants to come.

My gut feeling is that he won't show and that if you go there, he won't pay for anything he claims he will. If you can't afford it, then don't do it.



mbes -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:45:00 PM)

~fr~
The host pays, according to Miss Manners, and that always made sense to me. If he invites you, he pays; if you invite him, you pay. The distance only determines who is invited.



sexyred1 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 3:50:56 PM)

I guess I am not very submissive or desperate, because....

a: I would never go anywhere that my car could not take me for a quick cup of coffee or a drink on a first meet and b: If someone wants to meet me, they come to where I am.

I met too many where the chemistry online and on the phone overpromised and underdelivered in person.



mbes -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 4:04:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I would never pay for someone to come out to me. Male or female. I typically do not contact someone from a distance. They find me. If they choose to make the trip they can pay for it. I've never and will never demand anyone visit so it is of their own volition knowing full well they have to pay for their trip.

Why? Couple of reasons. I am not wasting my money if they are a no show. I have a family of 4 on a very tight budget and it is easier (typically) for one person to juggle a weekend trip than it would be for me to skip the dentist for a UM or groceries for that week. I house them. If they make the trip out here, I am willing to house them as long as they don't freak me out upon meeting. And my husband give the ok (He's all big and mean and stuff) With housing comes meals of course (unless we go out). It shows some faith, responsibilitiy, and proactiveness on the other's part.

"But but...what does it show about you, Donna?" *S* I am sure it shows a zillion different things, depending on your perspective. From I'm being totally reasonable to I'm an idiot for possibly allowing a stranger in my home (have rope, will use it)

I've met a lot of people off the internet (no bdsm'ers) and in my experience, every last one of them was a decent human being, as nice as the ones I'd find living next door to me. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of bdsm'ers are human beings, too, and I'm pretty darn sure you can handle them if they aren't! [:D]



ELUSIVE1 -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 4:16:15 PM)

I travelled just 3 hrs to meet my first Master--he covered everything, and insisted on filling my car with gas....the most recent one I am talking with, well I invited myself to a long labor day wknd- so if I get plane tickets, its on me...I  understand that...



defiantbadgirl -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 4:16:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingRLagain

he speaks of real life soon 24/7 and marriage later


He hasn't even met you yet and he's talking about 24/7 and marriage? I'd be seriously concerned about his mental state. Not that I find this suprising. I've had guys swear they were in love with me after talking to me on IM for less than a week. Such men have zero chance of meeting me in person, whether they live in another state or in the next town. Guys like that just just freak me out.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 4:59:25 PM)

I have to agree that if you can't even calmly and happily work through a simple issue of meeting for the first time, how on earth can you be talking about anything beyond that?



VeryMercurial -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:03:05 PM)

If a man told me it was totally on my dime.
I would spend my dimes going to see someone other than him.



seekingRLagain -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:10:55 PM)

just for more clairifaction.. the reason marriage came up is he is a christian and doesnt bleive in living together... another one is he used all of his vacation time this year with his kids ( all under 12) so taking time off for me  instead of his family wouldnt be a option for me.. as for my sstaying longer i have made him aware i cant stay longer if on my dime.. but he wishes me to do many things in the local area PLUS meet the kids.. and kids just dont know if they like a person in a few days.. its a adjustment for us all.. hope this clears this up a small amount... plus i am not willing to stay at his home until the kids are ready for that... so we both have moral issues to deal with it as well...



lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:14:23 PM)

just how it works with me
But if someone askes me to come to them
Then i will ask them to atleast pay for part of the trip if not the whole trip
If i ask to go to them i will pay the trip
 
ross.g



kossack -> RE: who pays for what? (8/12/2007 5:21:33 PM)

Money is a difficult issue for all kinds of relationships.

No matter what, nilla, or not, you need to be able to talk about this to make sure all parties feel right about it.  Hell, my sister and I have long talks about who should pay for what because she comes to visit me more often than vice-versa (I live in a great city--she's in a small town), and I insist on helping with plane reservations because otherwise she bears all the financial costs of our relationship and we've had to talk about it and figure out what makes sense and really get down to the nitty gritty. 

If it is this unequal, this early, I could never do it.  I need someone willing to talk those matters through with me and come to something that will genuinely work for both of us.

If it were me, I'd probably want to cover my own plane fair and ask him to pay for hotel.  I like to have control over my travel plans.  Alternatively, could you meet a place that is halfway between both of us.  Are you taking time off work?  That is another, huge expense.  But, can you find a cheaper hotel (priceline?)--try to find cheaper days, so that you can make it a little easier on the both of you?  Also, do you really even want to meet for 2 weeks the first time?



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