Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't belong in relationships?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't belong in relationships?

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Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't belo... - 8/16/2007 8:11:37 AM

ToysAndTies

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I was having a conversation with an ex-gf and ex-sub of mine the other day, and it took an interesting direction.

Before we were romantically involved, we played with various techniques; fisting, denial, really rough play, objectification.... But when we started to go out, those same activities seemed misplaced in a relationship. We both realized that for some kinds of scenes, we like it better if the person we are playing with is somewhat emotionally distanced: it changed the feel of the activity. Now, with my current lady, I know she might be up for trying some of these activities, but feel that the dynamic we've established as a loving couple doesn't have room for them.

I'm just looking for opinions; is this a common feeling for people? a hang-up on my part? I'm particularly looking to hear from switches who don't typically switch with a given person but like both sides of the spectrum.

Cheers, thanks for reading

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/16/2007 8:17:28 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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It's common to have those issues. But hopefully over time you'll realize you just have to be yourselves and that if you're both doing it, then you're both enjoying it and just have fun with it.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/16/2007 9:05:32 AM

Drifa

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

Before we were romantically involved, we played with various techniques; fisting, denial, really rough play, objectification.... <snippage> ...I know she might be up for trying some of these activities, but feel that the dynamic we've established as a loving couple doesn't have room for them.

This is the value of careful negotiation ahead of time. Even after 14 years together, we still negotiate, at least briefly, because on various days and in different frames of mind, physical condition, etc. your limits and needs may change a bit.

Certainly early in a relationship you should be talking about these things and exploring how each of you feels about them: whether you want to try them, what results you hope to get from a scene including them. That discussion will guide what you actually do.

I don't feel any less loved because my Lady is in the mood for rough play. And if she is interested in spending the time it takes to accomplish a fisting, and wants to lavish that care and attention on me, why golly, am I going to do anything other than submit in love? And from her side, if she wants something rougher than she knows I can easily accept, she is wise and knows to go there gradually... even very rough play is a seduction of sorts. I think it's all in how you view it in your mind.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/16/2007 9:38:38 PM

ToysAndTies

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Thanks, Drifa

I suppose it's not that we both don't like certain activities, but there's something about a relationship that not ruins, but, for lack of a better way to word it, takes from a scene. Think of how many dommes love having boy toys they acknowledge as having no romantic interest in, and how they can be that much more brutal as a result. Or how many subs dream about the cold seemingly uncaring touch of an almost near-stranger in a scene? While we both mesh in terms of interests, that kind of disconcern would at best be acting between the two of us, where my experiences in the past have been particularly exciting from the purely hedonistic end when the other player can simply let loose and not have to worry (as much) about how you'll feel tomorrow as a lover would.

I may be kind of incoherent on these forums sometimes, but I think my idea sort of made it through

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/17/2007 5:27:18 AM

Drifa

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToysAndTies

Thanks, Drifa

I suppose it's not that we both don't like certain activities, but there's something about a relationship that not ruins, but, for lack of a better way to word it, takes from a scene. Think of how many dommes love having boy toys they acknowledge as having no romantic interest in, and how they can be that much more brutal as a result. Or how many subs dream about the cold seemingly uncaring touch of an almost near-stranger in a scene? While we both mesh in terms of interests, that kind of disconcern would at best be acting between the two of us, where my experiences in the past have been particularly exciting from the purely hedonistic end when the other player can simply let loose and not have to worry (as much) about how you'll feel tomorrow as a lover would.

I may be kind of incoherent on these forums sometimes, but I think my idea sort of made it through

There's a big difference between scenes and the relationship itself, I think. If you love the high of the "zipless fuck" or "faceless stranger" type thing, then attend play parties to get that fix.

But a relationship with D/s is more than sex, by a long shot. We do occasionally have some roleplaying fantasy fun during sex. But most often, it's just us, with me consciously submitting to what my Lady wants and desires. And sometimes that just means me administering a footrub! But hawt sex happens too.

As I said before, communication is key. Y'all need to sit down together and frankly discuss what you each want out of the relationship itself, and out of the sex. The two are intertwined, but they are not the same thing by any means. Real life -- and submission -- is something that happens even when you are not having sex.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/17/2007 8:05:05 AM

ToysAndTies

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Just as an aside, I wasn't referring to sex that was incompatible, but techniques: impact and such. The conversations are already rolling, since I've been into this for a while and she's new but has been thinking about it. The trick's getting the ideas from her head to her actions :) She needs some probing... ha, at times she says she's too "English"

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/17/2007 2:28:59 PM

KiandPhoenix

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I find that understanding WHY Phoenix enjoy's an activity helps me get over any negative feelings I have. Once I understand the pleasure side for her, I become fine with it. I don't mean just understand the surface of why she enjoys it. I ask questions for several days usually to get a full understanding.

~Ki

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/17/2007 5:00:02 PM

Aine

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Personally, I'd rather have JL doing such things to me. I'd trust him more than anyone else to do something a little out of the ordinary.

But seriously. I'd rather have the one I love and am going to hopefully spend a long and healthy life with, being the one trying new things with me, on me, from the tame to the severe.

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Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/17/2007 7:19:08 PM

ToysAndTies

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I guess my concern, and the one I've brought up with her is one of safety. We're both very new (compared to what seems like the larger part of this site). While there's a romantic aspect to trying new things with the one you love, at the same time, I'd rather at least one of us learn from someone with a bit of experience, a mentor of sorts. An earlier response suggested play parties, and I think that will be a good place for us to go from here. I look forward to the next KFE one in my area. For me, this has always been a private kind of thing, always 1 on 1, discrete..etc. Going to classes and events is probably the best way to learn things, but also feels a little like school... guess if had some good teachers though, we'd bring apples enough for everyone.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/18/2007 6:34:45 AM

arayofsunshine55

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Oh I get off on being emotionally bare to someone who hurts the shit out of me. Distance does nothing for me except put me in another room or doing my laundry. I don't do distance as a top or bottom. Not my style. The closer we are, the more ruthless I encourage him to be. And since we both know we will survive whole, we go there.

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/18/2007 9:33:09 AM

Aine

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That is why going slow is a good thing.

Someone may have more experience, but I sure as hell don't trust them the way I trust JL.

Try seeking out some classes. Some of the local communities hold group classes that show techniques and workshops.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/22/2007 3:16:49 PM

Petruchio

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There may be something of the switch dynamic I as a dom don't grok, but I think aine has the right idea. Unlike simple scening, respect is important in real relationships, and it's possible a question of respect lies at the heart of your post.

I am naturally protective to begin with, but love and caring brings it out even more in me. There's a few things I won't do (involving bodily or mental harm) and I'll refuse to be manipulated into them, but as long as I know what she enjoys, I do what has to be done to maintain both the pleasure and the relationship.

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RE: Are there certain techniques and scenes that Don't ... - 8/22/2007 8:06:17 PM

BoiJen

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If it doesn't feel safe or seem like a good idea it might not be the time to test it out. Just do what you want to do and use your head. 95% of BDSM safety is common sense and using your head.

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