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RE: After 30 years - 7/28/2008 3:52:17 AM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

Greetings
The journey has been resurrected. littlebitxxx and I breathed life and gave emergency medical care to it and while it may still at times resemble something on life support, we will care for and nurture it until it comes back stronger than before. I love her still and like her besides. I could not kill those feelings even though god knows I tried and at times even had what seemed like just cause. I was wrong about trying to do so. I have resolved in conversation with her, to grow again, in a positive direction. It is still (after idiocy and foolishness, teenage immaturity as well) her and I against the world; so come on world we are waiting for your next move. Fear exists, some trepidation, but the past is done. I am hopeful and still have faith, and indeed time will be the final judge. I have tasted the fruits of temptation in some cases and indulged Myself in others.Hardly the actions of a mature adult, yet alone a Dominant. I screwd up royally, I resolve to do better. Period.

_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

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Post #: 21

RE: After 30 years - 7/28/2008 7:26:42 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

Congrats! It is wonderful to see that although there has been a rough patch that the two of you have decided to try again. Gives all of us hope on our own journey.
Thank you two for sharing with us. I wish you both the best.

(in reply to rmanrr)

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Post #: 22

RE: After 30 years - 7/28/2008 12:01:48 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Thank you sue.
We both fucked up. We let too many people in too soon when we should have still been in honeymoon mode. As is typical, we said a lot of things out of hurt and anger not knowing or caring what effect it had; nay, in some cases intending an effect. Last night we got out a box of Kleenex and some extra smokes, put on coffee and had at it. The evening was prefaced with: even if it hurts we are going to say it because it has to be said. And yes, it hurt like hell. Both the saying and the hearing.

We are now back to talking with each other instead of at or to. We have made a few revisions to our expectations and hopes. We have both given willingly and will accept with thanks that which the other gives.

Fuck these last couple months have been hard. Thank heavens they are over. A bright new future awaits, a clean canvas to start anew. I am excited and yes, very hopeful that it will bring many joys and much content. A few speed bumps to keep it interesting but nothing that can't be handled...with communication, respect, dignity and love.

Trying to walk away, trying to forget, trying to kill what was inside was just impossible. I love him, I want him, I need him in my life. Period.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to califsue)

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Post #: 23

RE: After 30 years - 7/28/2008 7:23:39 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Congrats rmanrr and littlebittxxx!

I met my Master 2.5 yrs ago right here! I believe I contacted Him first. We chatted for several months on line. We both had very specific rules about playing on a first meet. Those rules went out the window almost from the words hello. Our attraction was just there. I remember thinking how handsome He is. Then how much fun and interesting He is. Now although we both maintain our own homes we are together constantly. We are a team when it comes to protecting each other from the world. I belong to Him without Him I would not exist in such happiness. My wish for all those seeking is that Y/you find the right person for you. I can not imagine not having Master.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to rmanrr)

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Post #: 24

RE: After 30 years - 7/29/2008 12:28:01 PM

rmanrr

Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

thank you as well sue and ddl,
pain can indeed cause growth, not really the preferred style but what had to be done was indeed done. It will continue to be done. By both of us I believe. I did not really know what I had until I tried to destroy it and her, tried to force it all away and hide, tried to completely and utterly dismantle what I had put energy in to build. I got this close (fingers together) in succeeding in the destruction. At the brink, I stopped...I swallowed my pride. I quit walking around with my nose so high in the air that if it rained I would drown, climbed off the high horse, and just got back to being me. Thank the powers, that she had the patience and fortitude, strength enough for both of us. I think she had almost given up as well. I do not know what made me call her up a couple nights ago and asked if she wanted to come up and talk. she did though, and we began anew. We contined last night. I was and continue to be raw, and emotional, appearing at times to be weak, but knowing that she is there to listen, and I am here to listen to her as well...to open up, really open up....finding joy and comfort while doing so, fighting and winning against the fear of doing so....well, I can finally say, the pain was worth it, the hurt was worth it....everything I endured and imposed (I think) was worth it for she is again a part of my life fully. I am better than before, but I still have a fuck of a long way to go. With her help, guidance, love, respect...and everything else she brings, I just might be successful. I look forward to our journey. With fear, anticipation, realistically knowing that because I have dna, and bleed red like the rest of you I will fuck up....but knowing she loves me anyway and is willing to help me allows me to have hope and faith. I trust her. I love her and for the first time I actually am beginning to believe she loves me, she must for no one would put up and endure with what I did and still come back. I need her, not just want because I want her too, for she fills and meets things that I can not even explain.... We each search in conversations with each other for words to explain things, without having to do so for at times, often, we just know. I yes, even though I tried to not make it so, am still the luckiest bastard to walk this earth. Finally, just a littlebit, (and because of littlebit) I am beginning to believe that I just might be deserving enough of her. Live well.

_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)

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Post #: 25

RE: After 30 years - 7/29/2008 5:43:30 PM

carisa

Posts: 16
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

wow, that is awesome.... good luck on your journies, and thank you so much for sharing your story, and your incredible love!
carisa

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Post #: 26

RE: After 30 years - 7/29/2008 6:07:40 PM

Huntertn