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What's in a name? - 8/25/2007 11:56:34 PM

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I'd like to hear opinions about what Mistress's prefer to be called by their subs and, more interestingly, why...

I've read different ideas about this, and my -j and I have been having some great discussions around the topic. We've pretty much focused on whether or not calling a woman by a diminutive name actually has any effect on the power basis in a relationship. I see two camps; the one which would say that, for example, a sub can call a Mistress "baby" and if she is strong, powerful, and confident within herself then this term of endearment is nothing more than that. The opposing would say words have real power in a relationship and that if a sub calls a woman "baby" that by so doing he reduces her to a child in his mind thereby potentially (or definitely) undermining the basis of the relationship. When thinking about this--the capitalization of names also comes to mind. Does it really matter in the end? and in what way?

Anybody have any comments or thoughts on this subject?

Thanks!

Zav and -j

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 4:39:37 AM

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I prefer Mistress or Maam, I have never liked the term "baby"--hon or honey works on occasion--however, the various intonations used with "Mistress" or "Maam"--says it all.

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(in reply to zavalfuin)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 6:46:02 AM

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Being of a somewhat informal nature, I prefer the use of my first name on most occasions. However, I have declared a "Ma'am" or a "Mistress" day where every communication must use that form of address. I like that because it sets that day apart as a day of higher protocol.

In general, I believe that words, names and forms of address carry power, and help to shape the relationship. So I would never tolerate being called baby, sweetie and so on.

Smythe

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 7:26:28 AM

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Diane works for me.....

Diane

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 12:08:53 PM

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My first name, I’m just a laid back person. Or a nick name version of my first name. Plus I get thrown off when people call me something else (ie ma’am). Also Miss. Name too, it just makes me giggle.

Personally I don’t mind being called a pet name, doesn’t bother me in the least. If anything it makes me feel closer to the person. This is only when we’re at a certain stage in the relationship. (I use them all the time). I don’t see it effecting the power balance in my relationships.

Kat

(in reply to DianeB269)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 12:13:40 PM

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I've found some Mistresses love being called Mistress and some hate it and won't hear anything other than their own name. I guess everyone has different shades really and it's just a bit of a personal thing, rather than there being any rule.

(in reply to SunNMoon)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 6:34:02 PM

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My slave calls me Mistress. In public he calls me by Jennifer, not Jen as other people do. Anyone else can address me by my name or Ma'am, or Miss or whatever I don't care. For Me the word "Mistress" is the highest form of verbal respect he can pay me. I absolutely hate it when random people call me Mistress. Mistress is a word that conveys my ownership, control, relationship and love of him. Now thats just me. I even have it in my profile. Don't call me Mistress. It's sort of nice because I can almost always tell immediately who has read the profile and who hasn't. My brother is a Dom and he just wants to be called by his first name...guess thats why there is chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

J.

(in reply to teenyweeny)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 7:54:36 PM

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I tend to cringe at honorifics. I hate being called Ma'am, because it doesn't feel age apropriate to me. Mistress will raise my hackles on end as well, since the only people that I wouldn't mind referring to me as that, know I don't like it and say it to be indignant - and others that would, well, have no place to be calling me that because I'm not their mistress, damnit. I don't mind Miss, and actually think it's kinda cute.

On the other hand, from those I like.... terms of endearment of a various sort make me melt. I particularly like "doll", I don't know why. From someone I don't know... if it feels saccharine sweet or ingenuine, I'm rather annoyed. If it's just a casual manner of speech (I say "darlin'" or "honey" without even thinking about it), I don't mind but it doesn't effect me either way.

There's my rather disjointed .02

< Message edited by iammachine -- 8/26/2007 7:57:45 PM >

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 8:10:45 PM

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In a non-scene BDSM context, Jolielaide, Jolie, MsJ, just about any permutation works fine. In scene or when my partner needs reinforcement or comfort, Ma`am or Madame (as long as it's not pronounced "m-DAMN"

) is lovely. Actually it's the tone of his voice and his body language that can indicate to me more than the actual name whether or not the one he chose is suitable.

Add me to the ranks of those who hate, loathe, abhor, abominate and despise "Mistress". It's misused so much and so often and has frankly become rather trite. Besides, I keep hearing "mistress" and not "Mistress", and we all know a "mistress' is a sad creature who's trapped between a mister and a mattress.

Jolielaide

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted." Martin Luther King

(in reply to zavalfuin)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 8:23:15 PM

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Ms or Maam for me, because they are just a generally accepted respectul way to address a lady.
I'm not too crazy about Mistress, because within the lifestyle, people seem to assume too much when they address me as a Mistress (leather/whip/top). M

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"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 9:31:39 PM

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In my relationships I have had one Lady who hated "pet names" like dear..honey..etc...yet she did not mind my calling her by name. I had two Ladies who did not mind the pet names at all, nor my calling them by name. One of those Ladies I was in a romance as well as a power exchange so I did use her name and some pet names. The other it was mostly a power exchange and though she did not care at all if I called her by name...I always addressed her as Madame,Maam, or Mistress. I think I only called her by name twice during my two year term of service with her. Of course during play time or in public lifestyle events I was usually on protocols so then I addressed them as Mistress/ Maam etc.

To each their own..we are all unique in our relationships.

Kindest Regards to all,
Dils

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 10:10:01 PM

arayofsunshine55

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I prefer a very personal term of endearment which arises in the knowing of each other over time. I do not at all like generic titles. Until something organic arises my very lovely given name will do well.

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Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to zavalfuin)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 10:24:50 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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I enjoy formality, and so enjoy being addressed as Ma'am. I reserve the address of Mistress for a submissive who has prooven himself to me and inveigled himself into my good graces -- the word is near sacred to me.

With someone who I am in a relationship with, I would expect that he would also address me with my first name. I changed it when I was 21, I love it, and it feels intimate for my name to fall off of someone's lips.

I've never been a big fan of diminuatives. It feels a little sugary to me to be called baby or sugar or sweetie pie. To be addressed that way by someone who wants to express his submissiveness to me just makes me giggle and my eyes roll. The notable exception to this was my late husband, who perpetually hailed me with "hon," and who was a wonderful man and also terrific at making me the center of his attention.

MSS

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 11:23:45 PM

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Count me among the women who hate to be addressed as honey, sweety, baby (though I don't mind babe), etc... I had to become intimately familiar with being called a B*tch online when I would insist on Ma'am/my name, or he'd get cut off from chatting with me. Ditto for shorthand netspeak.

M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to Dilseachd)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/26/2007 11:43:12 PM

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From: P'burgh PA
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I don't mind diminutives (although you can't really shorten my name any more than it is) or endearments. I often use nicknames and pet names for whomever I'm involved with. Mistress being used by a stranger, or someone I don't own, sets my teeth on edge for some reason. Ma'am is fine. Usually when just getting to know someone I use Jo or Ms Jo.

In the last 4 years or so even people in my vanilla life have started addressing me as that. My lab partner in class these last 9 months called me Ms Jo from day one and by the end of classes everyone was calling me that (including my professors) while everyone else was referred to by their last names.

M'Lady just irks the hell out of me.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to zavalfuin)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/27/2007 4:34:29 AM

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~ Once twice three time m`lady~ Lionel Ritchie

Giggles a bit

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RE: What's in a name? - 8/27/2007 4:37:25 AM

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Hmmm, I find the baby title really depends on the person and our situation. I am the baby and only girl of my sibblings and love being in that position. So some folks can use such in a certain momnet or clearly with certain intention and it works. But in casual and non familiar relationships it is not appripriate for me. I do find that Mistress, Ma'am, Ms. are reserved for special someones and also called for in particular situtations whether in a public play or intense play that needs re-enforcement and protocol.
Just about anyone who does not know me who calls me anything other than my first name or a formal Ms."last name", I feel is overstepping. On very rare occasion, I have noticed that some can get away with changing my name - but it boils down to their generation, intention, genuinness, and situation.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 8/27/2007 4:40:39 AM >

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It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/27/2007 9:00:59 AM

tallicedvnowhip

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Your brother is a dom? Wow! That's absolutely fascinating. I've never heard that before. Have you ever discussed that here? Unless I'm completely ignorant on this topic, I would imagine that to be relatively rare. Have you ever met any others in this lifestyle who are also close relatives?

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Forever,
Summer

(in reply to homedespot)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/27/2007 12:20:57 PM

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Well, I can't really expect the nillas to run around calling Me Lady Pact, now can I?

Yes, I do prefer Ma'am from those submissives that I have a casual relationship with, where I have earned their respect. I don't ask for it. That is a decision they come to on their own. I'm always very pleased with it.

I'm very much in agreement with what many have said about the title of Mistress. It's not to be taken lightly, and I don't want everyone using it. That is reserved for My boy alone and only when they have earned it as My submissive.

Actually, this topic has come up for Myself recently, as I now have a situation which is better than Top/bottom, yet doesn't fulfill the requirements of being called Mistress, due to some services being limited. Yet, it was important that I have a distinction above other Dominants in this regard. In the end, I chose M'Lady (sorry Ms Jo) because it encompasses what I am to him.

As to being called something like baby..... Hardly not. My Dear is used often from friends.

(in reply to tallicedvnowhip)

RE: What's in a name? - 8/27/2007 12:37:28 PM

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LOL no apology needed LP. Simply a personal quirk of mine.

I should mention that diminutives or endearments are reserved only for the person I'm in a relationship with. I wasn't speaking of their use in a casual play situation. Since I don't do much casual play, I didn't think to add in that caveat.

In the past I've had whomever I'm involved with use a specific pet name (Darling for example) as a type of code word in place of Ma'am or Mistress when in a vanilla setting. For example, should he overstep his bounds and commit a faux pas that causes me to raise an eyebrow. His addressing me as "Darling" (or whatever is chosen)becomes the equivalent of saying "Yes, Mistress" in a setting where it wouldn't be understood.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to LadyPact)

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