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For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 1:09:28 AM

MistressKiss

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This question is along a similar line to another in the "breakups" thread. Do you think that as a lifestyler, you are more lonely when not involved in a BDSM relationship as opposed to a vanilla one? Is more missing...or does it feel about the same to you?

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 5:53:57 AM

Thanatosian

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Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
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tough call

a little background

have only had one vanilla relationship, lasted 10 years (from 4th grade til freshman in college) - ended just as I was beginning to engage in lifestyle activities realtime (but not because of that)
4 lifestyle relationships since then, none lasting more than a year (one breach of trust on her part, 2 deaths, one incompatible schedules[still occasional play partner with last one])

so it is hard for me to say if there is any difference, as I was getting into lifestyle just as vanilla relationship broke up

all I have to say is, it is DAMN lonely any way you cut it - to be frank, it sucks, and not in a good way

(sighs) oh well, what doesnt kill ya only makes ya stronger, or so they say - such is life, and all those other platitudes

well, looks like I'll be walking my black dog for a while now

just my experience, apply usual caveats here

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 8:06:38 AM

Voltare

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From: Santiago, Chile
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Loneliness is loneliness, no matter the reason I think. I can romanticize my BDSM encounters and tell myself they were soooo much more satisfying then my vanilla relationships, but the fact is that when it's Saturday night and you don't have a date - it doesn't matter if the last one wore black leather, latex, or just plain cotton.

Stephan

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 10:06:15 AM

MistressDREAD

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I would tend to agree with Voltare
in that Lonliness is Lonliness and
doesent follow any lines of lifestyle
persay and I know that I am the
same kind of Lonley I was today
as I was 6 years ago when I first
lost My Mates but I do know that to find
a partner comparitive to whats lost
is next to impossible with in the
lifestyle. Ive never been in a vanilla
relationship and would not know how
to act in such. Im quite sure it would
not mix well as I would not at this late
age in life have anydesire to change
who I am first off nor to totally giveup
My whole Family whom I took a commitment
to care for and tend to, and whom depend
on Me totally for their very lifes. Ive
even tempted to try and curb My needs of
a Dominant Male in a effort to gain a mate
whom was at least in the Lifestyle and tempted
to bend to My lonliness in a slave and even
that had a miserable ending. So Nope its
either a Alpha Dominant for a Mate for Me
or none at all in the Love end of My life. I
have just about accepted that I will not be
InLove again in My life but thats OK. I had
two Great Mates for a very long time and
thats more then most I know ever had.

(in reply to Voltare)

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 10:20:38 AM

Sinergy

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Interesting thread. A bit of background for me.

I was in a long term vanilla relationship from the age of 20 or so to almost 40. This relationship was largely parallel lives as I dont think either of us really cared for each other. It ended as we started to get in to the lifestyle for reasons unrelated to BDSM.

I have had 2 bdsm relationships which did not live longer than 6 months. In the first the submissive threatened to give her collar back as a form of emotional blackmail, and didnt listen to me when I said she would do that one too many times... My second submissive and I broke up and she was married to somebody else within 3 weeks. I then had a 3 year vanilla relationship with somebody I didnt see very often as she worked out of the country (long story). So for all appearances I have spent most of my adult life being alone in one way or another.

I do quite well being alone, but while from outward appearances I appear to have no problems with it, I really dislike not having a partner. On the other hand, I firmly believe that being a horndog skank and sleeping around is simply an alternative version of being lonely, since there is no spiritual, intellectual, or philosophical connection.

I agree with Voltare, for me the loneliness comes from not having the mental connection, not from the outward trappings of it.

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 10:45:17 AM

italianalala

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Yup, lonliness is lonliness. It feels horrid without that special person to talk to, to hold his hand, to paddle his bottom, to pour wax on his open eager body. No one to wake you up with bagels and coffee and etc.

Without a pure love, whether D/s or vanilla, I feel crumpled up -- a wad of paper in the burning fireplace the author did not accept as good enough for his manuscript. And, I am a dominent woman, a lonely dominent woman. I don't ask for much in a love, just the basics -- my basics.

It's the plight of the entire planet. We all want to be loved and unfortunately our paths do not always cross with our special soul.

With a deep sigh, I just keep saying -- eyes open, look at all sides, maybe today. And a big shiney smile comes on my face, pretending all is fine.

Cathartically,

Ma'am

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 3:26:30 PM

iwillserveu

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"I know when you were divorced it was black. When your time with DommeofThunder ended was it blacker?" (Sorry, LadyBeckett, we were cyber.)

Black is Black.

< Message edited by iwillserveu -- 6/22/2004 3:27:04 PM >

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 3:37:06 PM

anthrosub

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i would agree with lonliness being the same regardless of the context. i've been without a meaningful relationship for 4 years.

As Louis Armstrong once said..."i've been down so long, it's starting to look like up!"

i think it's worse for subs though because it's not easy to find Partners in this lifestyle. i've considered trying to get involved in a traditional vanilla relationship and then introduce the idea of entering the lifestyle to my partner but really don't hold much hope in doing so. The Internet seems to have opened Pandora's box in terms of meeting people within the lifestyle. i thought in the beginning it would be the ideal resource but got a quick education within two months of trying.

So i just keep on keeping on...so to speak. (sigh)

anthrosub

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RE: For those currently without partners.... - 6/22/2004 4:05:20 PM

AutumnSpell

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The situation is that for many Doms, we can create a D/s relationship out of our vanilla.

For a Dom, well at least for me, it isn't a situation of finding someone that might enjoy a little D/s. All women seem to enjoy some aspects of the 'play', but few have a desire for it past the association with sexual intimacy. What woman doesn’t enjoy active, thought out, involved passion? But what tends to happen is that if not done correctly, it stops at the bedroom doorway. That is where it is up to the Dom to breach that threshold and expand it into other aspects of life. Any woman I date can be brought to enjoy a certain level of submission. The only problem will be in whether our levels are close enough to be happy together. But since I am not of the vicious flavor of Doms, it is not usually a problem.

However, THAT is the problem for a sub. Unless they top from the bottom they have a much harder time bringing out any latent traits in their partner. And if they do, they are still controlling the situation and missing what they so desire in the freedom ‘from’ that control.

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

i think it's worse for subs though because it's not easy to find Partners in this lifestyle. i've considered trying to get involved in a traditional vanilla relationship and then introduce the idea of entering the lifestyle to my partner but really don't hold much hope in doing so...

anthrosub

I think anthrosub is correct to an extent. It can be harder for a sub to find a partner. I think it is easy for subs to find a player or find someone that will act the role for a short term (like a weekend before they jet off to never be heard from again) But it is more difficult to find a life partner for the sub.

Though both Doms and subs exhibit some traits on the surface, that doesn't mean that they are actually going to be interested in the lifestyle. And the people that are involved in D/s simply don't wear it on their sleeve. (and those that do… run.) All that a person can do is date and date and date and date hoping that the rare comes into tangent with the uncommon.

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