e01n
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1. A man of some social standing consummates a long lived secret relationship held between him and his beloved typewriter. The act causes the man some difficulty, resulting in several large bruises and a sprained knee. The typewriter's ability is suddenly and mysteriously restricted to long strings of vowels interspersed with random numbers. This only strengthens the man's love for the typewriter, leading him to swallow each of the keys in an order only understood by him.
2. A man murders his wife by the curious means of placing six large tonka beans inside of his mouth while she sleeps. His wife is found dead in the seeming act of furiously scribbling long equations on virgin parchment using an ink distilled from platypus eggs. Having seen his wife in such an uncompromising situation, the man's love for her is rekindled.
3. A man with no arms, legs, head, or torso makes love to an adding machine. The result of the unlikely event is obscured by an interlocking of organic gears inside of the stomach of a deceased dragonfly. The man's wife accidentally consumes the body of the dragonfly in her sleep, further obscuring the matter.
4. Six injured maids insert large pieces of granite into their tongues. This allows them to speak in a secret tongue, and thereby to gain access to a hidden fortress underground. Through passage of this hidden fortress one of the maids robs a young prince of his virginity, which she keeps sealed in a glass container. The remaining five maids are consumed by a frenzy of greed in which they devour the souls of the rich.
5. A man extracts a needle from the inner part of his right eye. A dull thud distracts a surgeon in the immediate area, causing him to lose his grip on a set of eating utensils. An assembly of men discourse on this seeming mishap for exactly 17 hours without stopping, after which point one man kills his wife. Stories begin to circulate as to the nature of this man's sleeping habits, though few are believed to be true.
6. Several young men set out upon a field full of trout to deflower the ghosts of infants strangled in their sleep. The first of the young men is burned by the hot sun which hovers exactly six feet above his head. In an attempt to escape the searing heat the young man buries himself alive. The second young man makes love to the wife of a high ranking government official. Doing so causes him instant death. The first young man is reincarnated as the third young man. The remaining two young men annihilate each other on contact.
7. The population of a small town is plagued by a horde of numbers. Unable to endure the unending torrent of logic, the town's children blind themselves by drinking turpentine. Finding themselves suddenly free from the oppressive rule of the children, the men and women of the town allow themselves to degenerate into a state of civility and justice.
8. A torrent of bees emerging from the swollen nostrils of a Bengalese tiger of uncertain origin descends upon an uncountable number of adverse machines. After mating with the machines, the bees promptly drown themselves in motor oil and are consequently forbidden to remain silent. What remains of the machines is consumed by a pack of blind, mute nurses searching desperately for sexual stimulation but finding only pale noise. The Queen Bee, sensing alternate disarray, deposits herself into the mouth of a sleeping child, resulting in a loss of the teeth of the child, as well as the incessant bleeding of invisible horses.
9. The blind leopard sunset receptacle screams in uncertain socket membranes throughout the mouths of several young Victorian girls within the lusty fantasies of an elderly gentleman of no uncertain virtue. The man, being a true gentleman, pulls a string of vipers from between his lips, each viper having its tail tied to the mouth of the next viper, excepting the last of the vipers which has its tail tied to a large stone not less than three feet in diameter. Fortunately for all concerned, an infant dies in its mothers arms whilst seven cats devour each other in the mouth of a fish.
10. A man murders his wife. He immediately calls the police and makes a detailed report. Included in the report are the following items. The fact that he killed his wife. His identity as well as his wife's. The motive, method, and means whereby he killed his wife. Her exact time of death. The current state and location of the body. A detective is assigned to the case. After a week of investigation, the man receives a visit from the detective at his home. The detective tells the man that the case of his wife's murder has been solved. The man is arrested. His wife, horrified at the unfortunate turn of events, passes away soon afterwards.
11. A crows nest appears within the skull of a rotating horse. The horse is used as an oracle for an elite group of closet masturbators. Elsewhere six scornful women plot the destruction of a large beached whale. A diseased general is found washed up next to the whale, his jawbones removed and a curious note written in the language of angels protruding from his skull. The note makes reference to a monstrous machine constructed from the jawbones of the general. It is this machine that will bring about the end of curved lines and acute angles.
12. A man suddenly becomes confused as to the dual nature of eating and excreting. As a result of this, the man soon falls from social grace. The man is arrested for eating in public. He is let off with a stiff fine and a warning. A short while later the man is apprehended in the act of openly offering food to a number of schoolchildren. Despite such outbursts of exhibitionism, the man insists that in the act of defecation he is to be left alone, preferably in a private room with a locked door. The man is submitted to a psychiatric hospital.
13. A man becomes confused as to the dual nature of sex and death. Shortly thereafter the man commits a number of irrational acts. Having killed both his wife and his lover, the man masturbates. A short while later the man's lover is found to be pregnant. Word gets out, the scandal is greatly celebrated by the general public, and the man's wife falls from social grace.
14. A man becomes confused as to the dualistic nature of force and form. The sun becomes comatose and drowns in a pool of its own blood on the western horizon. A complex multiform enigma rises from its ashes involving broken spectacles, suckling pigs, and an abominable machine. Though often thought not to exist, the enigma is recorded to have been a monstrous fish with blood spewing from its eyes, ears, mouth, and nostrils.
15. Six men conspire each to kill their wives on the same day at roughly the same time, each using one or more of the other amongst them as an alibi. The first man mistakes the third man as his wife and kills him, using the sixth man as an alibi. The sixth man kills the fourth man's wife by mistake, and uses himself as an alibi. He is promptly taken to a mental hospital. The fifth man neglects to commit a murder, but uses the second man as an alibi regardless. The fifth man kills himself. Elsewhere, two coy fish swallow each other simultaneously.
16. A man is shot point blank in the head and killed instantly. The man, liberated from his lifelong inhibitions, immediately sets out to live the life of decadence and debauchery he has henceforth only been able to dream of. The man becomes involved in an underground business involving the buying and selling of children for purposes of sexual deviation. Existing in a state of bliss resulting from living up to his life long dream, the man lives a very long life and does any number of horrible and unspeakable criminal acts in the name of sadistic pleasure.
17. A rhinoceros consumes a young couple in their sleep. Taking it as a sign, the young couple decide to abandon their families and responsibilities. Years later, having lead the most aimless and unproductive of lives, the young couple resort to terrorism. A procession of machines overtakes them. The young couple take note of the occurrence, but fail to respond. Elsewhere a young girl makes love to a large black Doberman Pincer.
18. An insect escapes from the open lip of a bottle into the mouth of a young boy sleeping safely in his mothers arms. The boy, upon awakening, finds that his mother cannot speak. On further examination the boy is shocked to discover that the rest of his immediate family members fail to respond to sensory input of any kind. The boy removes his clothes and consumes a large number of automobiles. Elsewhere a blind nurse strangles an infant with a tattered pair of nylon stockings.
19. A young boy is consumed by an automobile. The boy, in the spirit of pride, throws himself off of an abandoned building. Being regarded as somewhat of a hero by the general populace, the boy is made to have ritual sex with a series of animals. As is to be expected, the boy turns to the perils and evils of mathematics. Abandoning himself to quadratic equations, the boy is exposed to, in a series of stages, the deeper among the roots of his lineage. Just as he thinks he is nearing the originating point, he finds to his dismay that his family tree is endless.
20. An older man is apprehended in the perverse act of teaching basic arithmetic to a young boy. After a period of interrogation, including a brutal beating, the man confesses to any number of sins. The man tells of how he forced a young girl, upon the threat of murdering her parents, to compute the circumference of a circle with a given radius in the company of several older boys. After several such unmentionable stories, the man is entered into a strict rehabilitation program wherein he is consumed by an overwhelming will to live.
21. A man abandons his children in a large metropolitan area. Having rid himself of material possessions, the man at length arrives at the gates of animal existence. Unable to pass through, the man sets out across the countryside, indulging in all manner of decadent behavior and exquisite cruelty. After a fixed length of time, the man finds that he has at long last lost his humanity. Overjoyed at his loss, the man sets out once more to cross the abyss of rational knowledge. Shortly afterwards he is devoured by neurotic machines.
22. A man inserts 13 ball bearings under the skin on his left arm. Engraved on the ball bearings are the images of nonexistent animals, along with each animal's name written in Coptic script. The man endeavors to bring the animals to life in a dream, thereby to send them out to do his bidding in the realms of the imagination. Due to an unfortunate accident, the man is consumed by a seven toed tiger moth which has escaped from the ephemeral world of the dream and has taken his place in the material hierarchy of animals.
23. A man is relentlessly pursued by a seven toed tiger moth. After what must be several years of constantly hiding from and eluding the tiger moth, the man stumbles upon an ancient Armenian castle which has been built on a curious mathematical principal. The stronghold is composed of a large, multidimensional mobieus strip. The effect of the castle is such that if one walks along one passage of the castle for a certain length of time, one will arrive on the upper side, or ceiling, of the same passage. The complex mechanics of the structure allow for such seeming deviation from the laws of gravity. In fact, the structure not only adheres to the known laws of gravity, but further proves their efficacy.
24. A seven toed tiger moth pursues a man through a complex series of passages and winding tunnels. The passages are constructed in such a way that each door and each passage contains, an any one time, at least one bee. When a door is opened, the bee residing on the inside of the door is released into the passage, and henceforth heads straight for the door at the other end of the passage, waiting for the traveler to open it so that it can enter the inner space of the door. When more than one door is at the end of a passage, the bee will enter whichever door is opened first. Each bee has within its stinger a certain amount of black Indian ink, which it will without pause insert into the skin of any traveler who disturbs it's movement from door to passage or from passage to door. The inner recess of each door contains a special species of black moss which, needing no light to live and grow, regularly produces a substantial amount of ink with which the bees can refill themselves when necessary. It is said that many a traveler, having become lost within the passages, wanders through the complex until every inch of their skin becomes blackened by the ink resulting from multiple bee stings.
25. Two Kings, desirous each of ridding the other of his sanity, construct a number of devices by which to lead each other to madness. A black tiger crawls from the mouth of a young girl sleeping amongst an array of blind sunset leopard machines. Vomiting forth insects, the tiger makes an inquiry as to whether a certain Duchess will assist him in his plans to assassinate the parents of a certain Duke within the dreams of the sleeping girl. Such plans are brought to an abrupt halt due to the sudden absence of mathematics.
26. A man makes love to an ostrich. His wife, upon being suddenly seized with a maddening jealousy, contacts a large Javanese tiger. The tiger agrees to murder the ostrich in exchange for certain sexual favors. After the woman sacrifices her sexuality along with her dignity, the tiger accidentally murders her husband. The woman, in an attempt to rectify the situation, falls into a very vivid dream in which she allows the tiger to devour her children.
27. A woman of royal descent covers the bodies of her children with a rich jelly made from honey mixed with the crushed bones of various insects. Setting them out as bait for a certain Javanese tiger of whom she had been having very vivid dreams, the woman suddenly forgets her motive for such a deed. After an abnormal silence, the woman recoils at the sight of animals seeping from her fingertips, causing a man to make love to an ostrich.
28. A Persian tiger smokes an unknown quantity of opium whilst discoursing with several learned men on the nature of violence. One of the men produces a Spanish pistol. The tiger, desirous of owning the pistol, challenges the man to a battle of wit in which each participant must repeatedly attempt to utter the true name of God in vain. This ultimate game of blasphemy inspires young women over the face of the world to commit horrible acts of depravity.
29. A man is horrified to learn that his wife of fifteen years is an animal. In an attempt to soothe her husband, the man's wife swallows an undocumented quantity of glass. The man, feeling especially impure, has his children sold into slavery. Unable to bear the consequences of his actions, the man in time abandons himself to the perils of Aristotelian logic.
30. A man speaks images instead of words. Whole cities spiral out of his mouth, rivers run through his living room, animals frolic on his sofa. After a predetermined amount of occurrences emit from his voice the sun sinks black behind a living camera lens. All that remains to emerge from the man's mouth is a fine black sand. A young girl consumes the sand as her father emits it, cramming handful after handful of it into her mouth. Elsewhere, two men pull endless amounts of string from their fingertips.
31. Two nondescript men plot to assassinate each other's wives while making love to a washing machine. The first man neglects to kill the other's wife and thereby perishes immediately. The second man kills the wife of the first shortly before being murdered by his own wife. The six remaining men insert razor blades into their tongues.
32. Two men make love to the young daughter of a high ranking government official. As each of them in turn pass into unconsciousness whilst in the midst of the act, the young girl pulls out her teeth with a rooster. Wrapping each tooth in a handkerchief, each with a letter of her father's full name inscribed thereon, the young girl induces in herself a catatonic state in which she emits a never ending stream of blasphemy from the palms of her hands.
33. A toothless girl utters romantic phrases into the mouth of a horse. Having consumed a fair amount of black sand, the girl removes her clothes before offering herself to a band of desert nomads. The nomads consume the girl, using her bones to build a system of weights and counterbalances with which they determine the position of a certain number of atmospheric disturbances which have no bearing on their lives. Elsewhere a child contemplates the exact time and place of his mother's death.
34. A man is unfaithful to his wife with the sum of a given set of numbers. At first excited merely by the thrill of disobeying his wife, the man soon imagines that he has fallen in love with the calculation. The man's wife, unsuspecting of his secret encounters, soon tires of his company. One day she decides to make love to him. When faced with the actualization of such a loss, the man comes to his senses. Realizing that he loves his wife, the man abandons his mathematical affair and begs his wife to reconsider.
35. An elderly man, resigned to the inevitability of death and tired of living out the same patterns by which he had formerly conducted his life, decides to spend the remainder of his life committing the vilest of crimes and misdeeds. After having created any number of impossible permutations from the skins of animals, the man sets out to impurify the dreams of a number of Victorian schoolgirls existing between the years of 1897 and 1903. The man creates the illusion of an erotic garden from the spirits residing in the permutations of animal skins, alluring many a schoolgirl in her slumber. The girls are impregnated by bees, which enter in through the vagina wherein they create a nest of the innermost abode of the spirit, producing much honey therein and causing the girls an immeasurable amount of pleasure which lasts forever even after the point of physical death. Each nest becomes a rose in the garden, which the old man tends with mathematical precision.
36. A certain duchess swallows a vial of poison in order to disprove the notion that she has attained bodily immortality. Upon her deathbed she utters a number of instructions to six young schoolboys who had been instructed by their superiors to observe her death. The instructions concern the insertion of large mechanical objects into the schoolboys mouths. Each schoolboy, in an attempt to escape his disagreeable task, falls into a state of apathy, never to move or speak again.
37. An man inserts an iron bar into a young boy's rectum. Failing to come to any sort of conclusion on the matter, the boy's mother makes love to herself in various contorted positions with the aid of a large goose and several pieces of scrap metal. Several undefined moments later, seven large black Doberman pincers break the chains which have kept them rooted in one spot since the moment of their birth. Running blindly down alleyways, through churchyards, and under abandoned automobiles, the dogs finally encounter a large sperm whale which they proceed to rip to pieces with their teeth.
38. Two aged men discuss the possibility of fabricating a story about a rhinoceros with certain highly sought after marks painted across it's back. During the conversation, the first of the men becomes desirous of the imaginary item and murders the other man in a vain attempt to fulfill his desire. A certain Duchess takes note of the occurrence. Wishing to further the man's vain hopes only to lead him eventually to frustration, she paints obscure markings on the back of an ordinary rhinoceros, which she leaves in the drawing room of the man's estate.
39. A man has an affair with his wife. Some time after the affair begins, the man's wife discovers his acts of infidelity. Shocked and embarrassed, she promptly leaves him. As a matter of unpleasant coincidence, the woman with whom the man is having an affair leaves him as well. The man, in a state of confusion and despair, falls into a coma.
40. A woman gets out of bed early one morning to discover that the sun has risen. Shocked by such an absurd occurrence, the woman strangles her children in their sleep. Seeing that this has failed to put things right, the woman calls the police and explains to them all that has happened. The police open up an investigation on the matter. Though the matter is pursued by a number of police detectives, the case is never solved.
41. A drowned leopard nibbles on the hands and fingers of a girl overtaken by ennui. The girl, having dreamt that the moon swallowed her parents in a fit of uncontrollable rage, develops a genuine affection for the beast. Unable to speak or move, the girl builds a tower from the bones of the victims of the leopard. The tower, having no structural integrity, collapses into the shape of a diseased spinal column. Men of a religious persuasion take note of the occurrence, but soon forget the details in the wake of impending disaster.
42. A sleeping man consumes a bicycle whilst plotting the murder of several of his friends and loved ones. This he plans to accomplish by writing a letter composed of a random assortment of vowels and consonants. Unfortunately the man, unable to control his actions, reads the assortment of letters as he prepares to have them copied and mailed. This causes him sudden death.
43. A young woman commands an army of distorted horses through the nasal passages of a sleeping King. The King, upon awakening, reads the exact details of his death from the pages of a forged manuscript. Uncertain as to his next course of action, the King remains perfectly still for a period of seventeen years. As a result, two armadillos argue bitterly as to the nature of the young woman.
44. A prostitute secretly conducts a course in manners for a group of young boys. Her teachings consist of six golden maxims that are to be followed at all costs. When one is being hosted by an older woman, states the first maxim, it is imperative that one places a fish not fresher than 3 days old into one's trousers. That way, if the hostess insists on making love, the fish will be inserted in place of the penis. This is done out of respect for one's hostess.
45. The second maxim states that a certain quantity of black sand is to be kept on hand at all times for purposes of warding off little girls. If one is pestered by a particularly malicious young girl, as most young girls tend to be, one simply has to surround oneself within a circle of the black sand. The girl will fall to her knees in fascination and begin to consume the sand, leaving one free to escape at will.
46. The third maxim prohibits the disposal of urine, which is to be kept in vats in a warm place and slowly allowed to permeate the atmosphere. Twice monthly small pieces of paper, completely covered in black ink, are to be dissolved in the urine. One of the pieces of paper, exceeding not one inch by one half inch, is to be kept under the tongue for a period of exactly six days to the hour. Failure to do this results in a discoloration of the semen, which is quite unbecoming of a young boy.
47. The fourth maxim prohibits mathematics in any form for any reason. It is a well established fact that mathematics leads directly to various forms of perversion and moral rectitude. Any young boy caught indulging in the accursed practice of mathematics will be made to masturbate furiously until such a time as the sun displays a tiny black speck somewhat near the center. It follows to reason that if a sufficiently large amount of boys are caught in the midst of numerical calculations the net result will be a total blackening out of the sun.
48. The fifth maxim states that in the case of confusion on any matter one is to consult an ancient manuscript entitled 'The Elephant'. This manuscript, being broken down into 100 chapters, is to be considered the authority on rational thought. The origin of the manuscript is unclear, much speculation has arisen as to whether or not the manuscript truly exists, or whether it has yet to be written. All such considerations are of course immaterial, as the wisdom contained within the chapters of the manuscript transcends all questions of authorship and history.
49. The sixth and final maxim encourages the copulation of young boys so as to reproduce the species in as efficient a way as possible. It is stated that after two boys engage in copulation, their tongues must be completely removed in order for reproduction to occur. Within 4 to 6 months a child will have been born. The exact process by which this occurs is not entirely known.
50. A large horse is surgically removed from the belly of the maid of a wealthy industrialist. Six years later a blind man consumes a manuscript written by a man of noble upbringing. A young boy simultaneously ejaculates into the mouth of a fish. The outcome of these events is unfortunately obscured by the mysterious disappearance of the sun.
51. Six men do nothing of any particular notice or importance. Yet another man plots a scheme which is never carried through. A woman strangles herself in a sudden fit of impotence. Each of these events is carefully noted down by a Javanese tiger and dutifully reproduced in a manuscript entitled 'The Elephant'.
52. A young girl, having courageously escaped the womb of a giraffe, finds herself plagued by a host of locusts. The girl constructs a number of machines designed to force the laws of nature into a state of contradiction, thereby cleansing herself of her lifelong curse. The first of these machines consists entirely of gears connected to clear plastic tubes through which fly a number of bees. The tubes are constantly connecting and unconnecting to various other tubes at the discretion of the bees, with the exception of a small number of special tubes which are designed to move in accordance with a mathematical pattern designed by the inventor of the machine. The resulting hierarchy of bees so confounds the instincts of the queen bee that she falls into a state of madness. The mad queen bee is the principal operator in the second of the girl's machines.
53. The second machine is operated entirely by a mentally deficient queen bee. The bee is placed within a touch sensitive magnetic sphere. The pattern in which the bee moves about the sphere produces a rhythmical motion within the gears of the machine, causing a message to be written in black ink on smooth white parchment. The message, being contrary to the reason inherent in nature, is projected into the dreams of the sleeping Kings of all nations by way of a third machine. This results in an extreme eccentricity in three Kings which have a particularly sensitive nature.
54. The fourth, fifth, and sixth machines are designed by Kings which have been deranged due to certain aberrant reactions to certain images perceived behind the veil of sleep. These machines are created in secret, and serve as the focal point for the derangement of the Kings. One of the machines consists entirely of animal parts made so as to rotate in accordance with certain vocal patterns given by the King who constructed the machine. Nothing is known of the other two machines.
55. A young girl is consumed body and soul by a host of locusts emitted by an infernal machine created by a deranged King. The King is shortly thereafter murdered by a Javanese tiger, who is assassinated immediately afterwards by a nondescript man. The wife of the nondescript man is involved in the murder of three men of letters, each of which had planned the murder of the other two for no other purpose than to create a general scandal.
56. A city of blind leopards emerges from the belly of a whale. Later an entire desert is found upon the back of the whale, which has grown to unendurable proportions. A mute removes his jawbones and places them in a special box not to be opened until the speech of all men comes to a final utterance. A plague of insects emerges from the mouth of the whale, entering into the open mouths of a predestined number of sleeping girls.
57. A man becomes confused as to the dual nature of blood and soil. As a result his wife leaves him for a cracked stone. Drowning himself in absinthe, the man leaves behind a literary work entitled 'The Elephant', in which he proclaims a new moral order based on the love of truth.
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