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RE: How do you find out? - 5/3/2008 3:15:57 AM

CoasttoCoast

Posts: 71
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

I've given up dating vanilla as well. Kink is too important to me to give it up, and too few vanilla girls are willing to do anything more than light submission with scarves and blindfolds.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

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Post #: 21

RE: How do you find out? - 5/3/2008 3:23:01 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaels4evr

I treat it like a significant part of my life. I say point blank "I like you alot, therefore I think there is something you should know about me before we go further." In the case of my Master/hubby, after saying this, I sent him to my personal webpages and bio at Vanilla-not.com and also asked him to download a radio program I had recently been on about the lifestyle. After reading it all, basically he said "where do I sign up!" He had been Dominant His whole life, but didn't have a name for it like most of us when we first start out. I'm glad I didn't rule Him out before disclosing about myself. I would have missed out on the love of my life and the Master of my dreams.

I find this post amusing for a number of reasons, but mainly I like it since there are so many on this site that bash "vanilla" and BS and how they never deal with anyone who isn't in the "lifestyle." And you go and find a husband because you weren't close minded and didn't rule the idea out.

Classic!

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/8/2008 4:34:58 PM

bella001

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/28/2008
Status: offline

with me i find i know right away if the person likes to smack a little booty and use some "whips and chains"

the hard part is finding the right moment to ask if they are a sub,dom, or switch.

i think the best answer ive gotten ever was asking this guy i was seeing at a party if he is a sub or dom, and he clipped a leash to my collar and took me around the party!

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/8/2008 5:50:53 PM

MadameXTC

Posts: 96
Joined: 9/30/2004
Status: offline

well I am just blunt as hell in a nice way. When I was dating guys who were vanilla I used to date the type who I thought would naturally be interested in kinky things, usually police officers and military types. I always had some people who were turned off by it others thought it was okay and others were all for it. You never know what reaction you will get until you bring it up. For me I would casually bring up the bdsm thing to a cop by saying "so do you use your cuffs outside of work?" and either I would get a raised eyebrow or a laugh or a hard NO. Of course I gave up dating in the vanilla groups and started meeting people through munches and local bdsm groups. Usually if they are in a bdsm group or a munch they have some interest. I am glad I do not have to date anymore, but I still make my hobbiesknown once I get to know someone on a very personal level. My best friends know that I am kinky and they just accept that as who I am and its amazing what kinds of questions they have once they find out thats what I do.

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/10/2008 7:55:22 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

I've always found that if you're in the situation with someone where you're about to have sex that by that time they've worked out if biting you, pinching you or pulling your hair back to get at your throat works!

Am I the only one who kisses people in such a way that my intentions are pretty clear? If I'm in sub mode I wilt a little and lean into them, a lot of guys (and gals) really like the "swooning" thing, from there you just start talking about other things you enjoy doing, if I'm in Domme mode I'll bite and pinch and tease a lot more - again, gets the juices going and allows you to work out if your potential partner has potential ;)

If you are going to bed someone it seems to me that at least some discussion of what you want to do with them in bed needs to take place, even if that's done whilst ripping each other's clothes off!

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/10/2008 10:20:54 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

go shopping with the "person potential date " you can drop hint , shop at some edgier type places or pervertables bring up items and say i can think of things to do with these etc .Then again i am the straight forward type that would not wish to dance around the question of kink comparable/compatible .Why waste weeks or months to later find out the other side like only missionary position and the only reason for sex of any kind is to make a baby .

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Post #: 26

RE: How do you find out? - 5/10/2008 11:38:24 AM

ViceVersa

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

Hi BiteGirl,

I've decided that the best way is to be upfront (but even that may not work despite your best intentions). I came out to my wife when we were dating and she was okay with it. A few years after we were married she decided it wasn't for her. I don't hold it against her - she never really understood how much a part of me kink was and I never realized it wouldn't grow into something more for her. We made the best decisions at the time and it just turned out wrong.

For me, the pivotal question became "would I give up love for kink?" Since my answer is "yes", I see kink as my sexual orientation and it's hard to have a successful relationship if the two partners' sexual orientations don't jive. After my wife and I split, I made a commitment to myself that future partners would need to be kinky. Oddly enough though, the woman I've been dating over the last year or so was pretty much vanilla when we met. However, after our third date I figured she might be developing a complex because I hadn't come on to her in any way, so I decided to come out to her instead. I explained:

- that I was kinky,
- the type of kink I liked,
- the fact that I considered it to be my sexual orientation
- and that I wasn't into "converting" people but I'd be happy to answer any questions she had

She had many. I gave her some books (When Someone You Love Is Kinky, Different Loving, S&M 101), took her to munches, took her to play parties, etc. and it was maybe three months before we ever played or were sexual at all. She could have walked away at any point and that would have been fine with me. The time wouldn't have been wasted. In the end, she's been pretty enthusiastic about it and has a talent for rope. :-)

The "third date" thing seemed to work pretty well because we'd been out enough to know that we enjoyed each other's company and yet we hadn't invested so much that we couldn't just walk away.

Vice

P.S. - If you'd like to work out how you might go about telling someone, consider Coming Out Letters. I just started it last week and one person from collarme has been kind enough to post a letter there. My aim is to be a resource for all the people like yourself who wonder the same thing - how to tell someone you're kinky or gay or whatever.

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Post #: 27

RE: How do you find out? - 5/23/2008 7:01:59 AM

XaneKandor

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/19/2008
Status: offline

I myself have not had this specific problem. People seem to open up to me like a book for me to read. Its like I have a sign over my head that says " Tell me your secrets, they are safe with me. " For example: There is a girl I have been speaking to. We have been talking for a few months now and suddenly, one night while we were working...our subject turned to sex. And from there it turned to what we both liked...and she told me all about her secret fantasies. Now while this is no help to you, and for that I appologise. Let me offer a bit of my own advice. Work your way around to it. Be direct but not pushy. Politely turn the conversation towards sex and like others have said before me, it should not be hard to get them to give you the information you are looking for. Again, just a suggestion.

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"Knowledge is power. But there is no greater power then the knowledge of ones self. "

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Post #: 28

RE: How do you find out? - 5/25/2008 11:22:29 PM

steviemichael

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I no longer date vanilla men

one would ask how would you find out if they are vanilla ?

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Post #: 29

RE: How do you find out? - 5/26/2008 7:53:31 AM

fungasm

Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

one would ask how would you find out if they are vanilla ?

One mechanism... show them your toybox. If the response is "Do you actually use these?" or "I don't have any interest in most of this stuff." than you are dating someone "vanilla."

I don't think the issue is Vanilla as a flavor per se. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you like and wanting what you like. However, in my experience, if a partner isn't really willing to be what you need and please you during sex, they don't really care about what matters to you period. If they are not willing to compromise there; they aren't willing to compromise anywhere. That's the issue that bothers me.

For example: I have hopes of finding a partner who would care enough about my pleasure to want to do things which I love too. I also find it exciting to be GGG -Dan Savage of Savage Love calls it Good, Giving and Game. I don't necessarily get off on certain things- like strap ons or dressing my partner in corsets and stockings and tying them up... (okay- I like tying men up but I digress). But I love doing things for my partner... it's fun to give someone pleasure. Someone who doesn't care that there is somethat that makes me feel good- or that I'm willing to do just about anything legal to make them feel good... that's not what I want.

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RE: How do you find out? - 5/26/2008 11:04:57 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I havn't completely given up on dating vanilla, but like on vanilla dating sites, I am up front about it in my profile. maybe not advisable, but oh well. I havn't had to much luck with that approach yet, but willing to have patience to see if it bares fruit.

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Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

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Post #: 31

RE: How do you find out? - 5/26/2008 4:06:01 PM

uliveonce

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

I no longer date vanilla men because it's too much of a hassle. You bring it up. They say they're interested. Then, when you finally get down to business, they can't do it. It's "sick" and whatever other unpleasant adjective you can think of. I love the look on my friends' faces when they start telling me about some guy they want me to meet and I ask them whether or not he likes to tie girls up and spank them. They go blank and then say they don't know. I then ask them why they thought I'd like to meet him if they have no idea when they obviously know what I'm into. The problem with my friends is they think it's all fun and games, not a serious compatibility issue.

The great thing about being a guy and a Dom is the ratio of submissive "vanilla" women is pretty high. I have corrupted a few over to our lifestyle -- scared the crap out of a few as well. But for me, I am usually pretty direct about it. I guess the better way to say that, would be that I lead conversations about sex into kinkier waters and wait for the reaction. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised when she says, OMG thank you. Other times, they suddenly become busy for the rest of their lives. But hey, better sooner than later IMHO. I have some basics that a date must be willing to try / work on. If those things are off the table, then their really is no point regardless of how much they may "want" to "try" the lifestyle. For me, this isn't about kinky sex. Kinky sex is a great by product but not the goal.

But you are right, dating vanilla people is getting very predictable and very annoying, so I certainly don't go out of my way to date them. But every so often, I see a sparkle and give it a shot.

< Message edited by uliveonce -- 5/26/2008 4:08:15 PM >

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