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RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 5:32:16 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Isolation tactics are a classic sign of an abuser.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 6:18:28 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Anyone who would be speaking of marriage so soon is a bit of a nut so both A and B are out.

Spend time getting grounded, play with B and possibly A if  you need to get an itch scratched but start looking for others, read a few BDSM books, join a real world bdsm group, etc.  Figure out yourself and what you want.

I also assume this is one of her first relationships as well?  The one exception is you are an old hand like myself and know exactly what it is you want.  I KNOW I want to possess BSB despite only having spent four weekends with her.  I have been with enough women, vanilla, kinky, and otherwise to recognize what makes me happy and she personifies the best of what I had in other women combined into one.  I realize all internet dominants began their training before time began but still, it seems silly to be talking marriage to a woman you have spent so little time with and probably have no experience in bdsm in the sense I use that term.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 6:35:59 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Geez whiz...i guess i dont understand why all fuss about how fast someone is moving....i  know of several examples of couples that married within a few months of meeting...and they are 20 year plus marriages too. My own for example. I have been married almost 24 years My husband and i met in June of 83, he proposed in Sept, and we married in Dec. So i can't really say its necessarily bad  to move quickly, it didnt feel fast at the time....it just flowed at that pace.

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 6:48:04 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Dom A I would stop all contact with controlling behaviour especially early on is a major red flag which tends to only get worse, been in a similiar situation in my vanilla life ..rushed into marriage he was quite charming at the time but even then warning flags were there but all that charm had me thinking he was an okay person and later found myself isolated, abused and severely threatened if I tried leaving, 2 years later it took the police to help extract me and had to go into hiding with protection for years afterward for the safety of myself and out son  , took a lot of years to get my head straightened around afterward that .    Dom B is much more promising  but distance is an issue, is he willing or  able to relocate later..... for myself I know I could not relocate I have a good job and enough pension years in  to think about (financial security in the event things do not work out or end a couple years down the road) as well as family where I am now, my son and grandchildren, and parents  too important to me to walk away from as a result distance is an important  factor for me. if a dom had the ability/flexibility to relocated later and meet personally from time to time to build a relationship I would consider if not  I would continue my search elsewhere.

If your friend has already made her decision, then all the advice is pointless , if she chose Dom A  let her know you are there for her at any time that you are only a call away , there may come a time where she really needs help without judgement

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 6:51:53 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Geez whiz...i guess i dont understand why all fuss about how fast someone is moving....i  know of several examples of couples that married within a few months of meeting...and they are 20 year plus marriages too. My own for example. I have been married almost 24 years My husband and i met in June of 83, he proposed in Sept, and we married in Dec. So i can't really say its necessarily bad  to move quickly, it didnt feel fast at the time....it just flowed at that pace.

It is not just the pace of the relationship that is concerning to others but the control comments that are putting up major red flags... relationships are suppose to be based on trust 

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 7:03:22 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		that may have worked fine for you however for me - i need to build trust and friendship in my relationship.  i'm not going to move in with someone i just met after a couple of months of dating ...sounds idiotic to me - and i mean just that "idiotic to me" because it may not last forever.

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(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 7:22:22 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		First off, the sub probably has a screw loose...I would guess that it is possible that she has informed these mopes that she is ready to settle down....Now she is spending time with both Doms...These jerks are checking out her tits and ass and don't seem to care that the other is in the picture, yet are talking about a serious commitment while she is spending time with both of them...I would of kicked her ass to the curb..Unless I viewed her as nothing more than a distraction....It would seem in actuality that Dom A at least has a plan...It's incredibly fucked up, but it is a plan...Dom B is just saying what needs to be said to keep getting him some of that fine ass pussy...Dom B isn't taking his time....He is doing nothing noble...He is simply a realist...He sees that the sub is a thousand miles away....He realizes that it is kind of hard to enforce any kind of rules via telegraph...So he says what he needed to make sure he still gets to tap that fine ass meat wallet when the time arises.....So he puts down the other Dom while making himself the fucking hero....Competition?  Anywhoo....He's a fucking zillion miles away....How cool is that...I'm smart enough to recognize the trappings of our relationship...Say all the right things...Look everybody! I'm a fucking hero!  Then I fuck and use her when the timing is convenient...Promise to marry her dumb ass down the road...While I know that she is getting rammed by the guy down the block in my absence....I wouldn't give two shakes of my dick over this twat.  She thinks she is a playah...She will get what she deserves..Which is probably nothing in the end.

Now for the sub, we conveniently left out what part she played in all of this?...It sounds like she is probably equally wacked and wears to much make up.

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 9:13:06 AM   
MsLilac


Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline 		 
Okay,

For me to make a decision, there wasn’t enough information provided.

1) I would need to know how long she has known both of these guys, and the type of communication they have all had. (If all this is being based on one meet, and online interaction just slow down right now).

2) Reading in between the lines here. When we recite stories/situations etc (unless we truly are being detached and unbiased), we unwittingly, (or wittingly), give our perspective, or slant in the style of writing, or in emphasis. To me, the slant and emphasis was for Dom B.

3) Is love actually involved in any of these cases?

4) In terms of interests, life expectations, who is more suitable? Has sub spent any time with either doing things they both enjoy?

4) Does sub want to be micro managed?

5) How much of a dowry is either of them willing to pay? (That, obviously was a joke)

But going on info provided and giving my opinion as asked.

These seem like very big decisions to make on something where I do not see commitment, or love mentioned whatsoever. I think you mention that Dom B, and sub haven’t even met, or met briefly.

My middle of the road advice is spend a LOT more time with both of them and enjoying their company, and actually establish a proper friendship with both. I mean, these are life changing decisions based on not a lot.

My main advice is that you’ve already answered your own question. Sub is not ready for a relationship, so she should stop stringing them both along, and getting herself into something she admits she is not ready for. What role has the sub played in all this? I suspect sub may be enjoying all the drama and attention.

I also think Domiguy has a point, if Dom B felt so strongly (as strongly as sub seems to) I doubt he would be so generous. There’s a possibility that sub is just one of many options to him also.

And seriously, someone who shows signs of wanting to isolate a love interest is a recipe for disaster.

Another thing as well to take into consideration. What people say at the start of a relationship, and how they actually act in the future of that relationship can be very different things. Dom B may not turn out to be so ‘diplomatic’ and easy going. Dom A could well be to lazy assed to be that micro managing. Sub should be spending real time getting to know someone, before making big decisions, it’s the only way you actually get to really know people. What either of them say at the early point of the relationship means very little. It’s ones actions, how one reacts to situations and following through on what ones says that matters. Not the verbage they give. Talk is cheap.

So going on what is said and reading into the needs of sub by making assumptions on what has been said -  neither of them are suitable, and it's to early to make a decision. One's to far away, and not showing the same commitment. The other is a control freak.

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 9:37:44 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		You lost me...........why would she have to choose between Dom A&B?? She should choose with her heart, not with all of that information of what either wants or expects.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 9:39:22 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		I mean even outside of D/s, you can have to choose between "man A-M"  why would you even think of anything but to follow your heart?

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 9:50:54 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

She's never even met Dom B.


Actually she said:

quote:

A submissive has two Doms she has met

and
quote:

Dom B says if and when you are ready we will meet.


confused yet?



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(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:07:34 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		Well I for one am confused and gave my answer lol.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dom A or DOm B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:15:57 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

She will get what she deserves..Which is probably nothing in the end.


Cute lil pun there.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:24:41 AM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting situation.. I am a Dom and not a sub so I am not sure the OP wants my opinion. I am also reading between the lines here a little since this is hypothetical.  I will assume she has talked and spent time getting to know both of these men. It sounds as if she has been honest and open with them both about her thoughts and feelings. It also sounds like both Men have expressed an interest in her.

Personally based only on the information given I would go with B I say this because I see red flags in Dom A that would make me run not walk but run.

1) he is already talking of living together and they have not established the relationship sounds like he wants to get her dependent on his as soon as possible and be able to monitor her coming and going. A sign to me of insecurity 2) He wants to move  in before they have spent time together. (says he is close but I assume he is also not close enough to see R/t yet)
3) he seems to want to isolate and control contact and the ability to talk to others about how she is feeling as the relationship develops. To me this is a classic signs of some one very insecure with themselves. 4) because he is touching her in this manner he dose not seem to be taking her feelings into consideration he is only thinking of himself if he is already this oblivious to her need to move forward at a slower pace it will only get worse and as soon as she is more dependent on him he may just disregard her feelings all together. Dom A just gives me the feeling he is a little to insecure and over controlling.


Dom B sounds a little better he at least is talking about taking time to establish the relationship

If I am reading it correctly he is saying he wants to continue to get to know her and is letting her make her choice at her comfort level. I base this on the statement they will then meet and see what develops. Distance does make this a little harder but if he is willing to make the effort he might be the best choice. His mention of marriage after they have gotten to know each other to me is not a red flag unless he is saying they must get married as soon as they meet. If he is saying after they have established a long term relationship and have chosen to be together then it is not a red flag. Maybe he is just someone who want to be married to his sub. He also seems to be a little more secure in who he is because he dose not see spending time with Dom A as a threat but as a way for her to learn what it is she wants. I think Dom B understands she is the one who must chose where she wants to be and then he will be the one making the decisions for them

Granted there are a lot of  questions unanswered but based on the info given I would chose B

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to mmb1)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:29:39 AM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Katlas

quote:

She's never even met Dom B.


Actually she said:

quote:

A submissive has two Doms she has met

and
quote:

Dom B says if and when you are ready we will meet.


confused yet?




I assumed she has met as in talked to spent time talking to not Met in person ... that is what it sounded like to me... If we start talking to some one on line then talk on a phone technical we have met them we have just not touched them Just my take

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:41:26 AM   
callistaIn


Posts: 62
Status: offline
quote:

If we start talking to some one on line then talk on a phone technical we have met them we have just not touched them Just my take

Interesting take. Simple question for you then. If you have never physically met someone ( as in person ), how can you confess to know them well enough to establish whether or not you are compatible? Or do you base your relationships on the surface only?

(in reply to MstrSkyWoIf)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:54:32 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		Agreed, you cannot make a decision like that for one, you have not met him, second, even if you chose A and you agreed, and it is what you both want, I don't know if I would see something wrong with that.....

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:55:27 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think that Dom A, with his rushing into a relationship tendency sounds dependent and insecure.  That type of person would drive me so nuts initially that I probably wouldn't even continue talking to him.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 10:58:03 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		Well you see, for some the phrase "over controlling" is not necessarily a sign of insecurity, but one of absolute security, and if both agree, I would say, then that is their decision.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dom A or Dom B who would you be with? - 8/31/2007 11:01:16 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Maybe I should've said dom A sounds desperate, with his need to hurry into a relationship. 

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mmb1)
Profile   Post #: 40
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