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MistressKiss -> RE: Signs of a Good Master (6/22/2004 11:18:59 PM)
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quote:
Now comes the part I have been avoiding. raven, I don’t think you should make any major choices until you know your own desires. (Here is a 55-gallon drum of worms I am opening) I don’t believe that a person is in their heart-and-soul a switch. I am not a person that speaks of ‘true’ Doms or subs. That ‘true’ concept is an elitist label from a vocal minority. Many of the leaders in a community are not speaking for the majority anyhow. But I do believe that a person is not a switch, they are just playing the role.
Steps softly as to not smush the worms crawling around....you said a mouthful about opening it, Kurt.
I firmly believe that until you have experienced the switch mentality - you don't know what it is like to be a switch. Please, please do not think you know what you are talking about until you have been there. It's so frustrating to others who HAVE been there. Being a switch is just as much a choice/inclination/inborn trait as being totally dominant or totally submissive. Please avoid stepping on another's kink else the worms begin to crawl in your own underwear.
I will say this to the originator of the thread. When you experience a dom like this "couch potatoe" you are describing, it is frustrating as hell, and I do know what that is like because I have been there. The problem is not always lack of negotiation - that can be done exhaustively and the dom still falls short of not only the submissive's expectations, but probably his own too. I completely understand the mentality of this sweet submissive who may be thinking "dammit, if he isn't going to do this right, I'm going to and I won't treat my subs this way!" This is a very natural thing to think - so do not berate yourself for it.
However, that does not necessarily make you a switch. It may just mean that you are a pissed off and frustrated submissive. That is understandable. You thought and expected one thing and then got something else. That may or may not be your fault, but either way, it's the reality of the situation. Remember, the word "submissive" is not a synonym for "doormat". In a BDSM relationship, both/all parties must be getting their needs met (I didn't say wants, desires, although that would be great too) or they will not find the relationship fulfilling and probably leave it quickly.
I wish you the best..and I agree that you should take some time to think about and explore what you want and what your deepest inclinations are. That is exactly why I have taken a year to think and explore - which is supposed to be up in November, but I don't know that I will be finished and ready to move forward even then. And here's some advice...try to avoid serious relationships during the time you are exploring. They can cause incredible problems and keep you from reaching the goals you have set.
It may sound selfish, but think about yourself for a while...decide what you want and need from BDSM and go from there. Submissives tend to try to hurry up and find the perfect Master - who does not exist, just as the perfect submissive does not exist. The power of the craving to serve is so damn strong at times, but you can learn to "control" it and express it appropriately and with the right people. Don't hurry yourself.
Best wishes to you. I forgive you, too, Kurt. Watch that worm crawling in your shorts, there.
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