From: Portland, OR
Just a couple more thoughts then.
Stephan: I've thought long and hard about what you said. Yes, more research is called for. If I'm going to lead this kind of play, then I somewhat feel I've picked up the obligation to find out what I can as soon as possible. I'm sure I'm obsessing and overanalyzing again, especially since she doesn't seem to mind, but....meh.
Research gives knowlege, but is hardly a replacement for experience. Think back to what you knew of yourself ten years ago, and I'm sure you'll see my point. It's great to have enthusiasm for an activity, just be sure to keep it in context. A pitfall many 'newbies' fall into is that of hyperfocusing on the D/s or BDSM elements, and letting the more 'vanilla' interactions fall by the wayside. Don't think you -have- to be whipping, flogging, tying, blindfolding every time you see her, to keep her happy. She'll probably still enjoy nice meals, movies, music, art galleries, stamp collecting, or oragami if that's what you two did before. You'll find subtle or discreet ways to incorporate your newfound interests into your older ones as well (oragami wearing cuffs for example?) Point is, BDSM isn't who you are, it's part of what you do. D/s is part of who you are. Don't ignore the others.
I think you're right regarding my woman's submissive tendency - at least as far as we're concerned. Which is a little contrary - she seems to blindly rebel against authority at times. Perhaps it's a question of communications - I think that's important. That and I've never really put any effort into being stern.
Find me a submissive who never rebels, and I'll ask you to check her pulse. Don't think you need to 'become' stern to make this work. Be yourself. She fell for you originally, for who you are; not who you 'might' become. Really, this is an opportunity for you both to grow together. BDSM (for me) isn't an end in and of itself; it's a vehicle to share and express powerful feelings and emotions that otherwise have no real outlet.
I know she's used to topping (to seperate the role from the activity), so at first I suspected she is simply enjoying the change of pace. That may well be true, but reading your reply something else occured to me: Once when she asked me to lead, she said she felt safer that way. That could simply be a sub demeanor surfacing.... but now I'm a little curious if she's worried that, given her experience and my near lack of it, her topping might be too extreme. I know early on she held back quite a bit. I think I need to ask her about that.
You're trying both sides of the crop; ask her to have you immobilized, bound, or in some fashion severely restricted for 24 hours. Full on, serious, hard core slavery. Cage, closet, ropes, sensory deprivation, the whole nine yards. When it's over (and don't expect this to be easy) I think you'll understand better where she's coming from on the sense of safety and security she might be experiencing. It could just be her personality, but there's no small number of slaves and submissives with demanding leadership oriented jobs who actively seek that in their relationships, so they don't -have- to be in control all the time.
For now I'm busy preparing my first planned 'scene' (vs. tie down/thwap/pinch/pounce) It's proven quite an exercise in imagination...and other sensations like anticipation. I'm definitely going to enjoy the moment and worry about details as they come.
Good plan. Don't bite off more than you can chew. My first 'scene' was about 10 minutes. It was incredibly tame compared to some of the things I've since enjoyed. (the gold text is a link.) At this point, I'd suggest to approach it from a "what would we enjoy" perspective, strictly. Don't feel the need to prove yourself (including to yourself.) You'll have that chance once you've spread your wings a bit.
Nosce Te Ipsum
"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer
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