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not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/13/2005 9:17:42 PM

Posts: 23
Joined: 7/8/2005
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Yes that's right I'm not allowed to love my Master.

We have been friends, play partners, business associates for years, we were there for each other when times were the hardest and we continue to be there for one another yet somewhere along the lines I fell in love with Him and it has really screwed things up.

This man is old enough to be my father, that doesn't bother me but the more time I spend with him the more I realize that it does bother Him, or at least makes Him believe that we could never have a relationship with one another. It's not fare, I mean I've given up everything for Him, sacraficed and put my life on hold to be with him, and am even moving there to be with him so that I can do everything possible to make Him see me, the person that's so in love with Him, the person that would sacrafice her life for this man (I'm serious)

I just dont know what to do anymore.

We spend more time fighting about me being in love with Him, more time with me listening to Him telling me that I need to find a way out of my feelings and emotions because He's going to find someone else and knows what it will do to me, we spent 2 hours the other night talking about that issue well I should say He talked and I just sat on the other end of the phone on mute and sobbed at just the thought of it like I always have, i'm at the point where I'm loosing sleep over this now because i know the day is coming and i'm about to make another huge sacrafice by moving there in just a couple of months. Like I said I dont know what to do anymore.

I dont want to leave Him and I wont, I just need to know what to do to make my self fall out of love with this man and just be the slave that I'm suppose to be to Him yet I dont know if I can do that because I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is my love for Him, I' m so attached, I'm so vulnerable and I miss Him so much it's been a month since I've seen Him and each time I leave it doesn't get any easier, I still cry myself to sleep not having His arm around me to feel safe and secure as I fall asleep. I'm just so lost and He's on the phone each night, what's it going to be like when He's not there anymore at all.

I'm starting to think our friendship was the worst decision of my life because I know how much pain it will cause me in the end if I dont do something about my feelings now. I want to be His slave, I just dont want to love Him anymore. Please someone help.

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/13/2005 10:02:06 PM

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
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Hello Punnishme,
you sound like your pannicking - a lot!
so how about slowing down. Most life decisions can be made in way under 2 months, which is the only dead line im hearing. 2 WHOLE months. so relax a little eh?

So, youre great friends and youve gone and screwed it up by falling in love, unreciprocally. Well we dont always get to chose do we? But its happened. You cant do anything to stop what's allready happened.
No more than you can do ANYTHING to STOP loving someone. So why bother asking us for help that nobody can give you? If you want crap advice on how to 'stop' loving someone, write to cosmo. Its more their style than collarme's.

"This man is old enough to be my father, that doesn't bother me but the more time I spend with him the more I realize that it does bother Him, or at least makes Him believe that we could never have a relationship with one another. It's not fare, I mean I've given up everything for Him, sacraficed and put my life on hold to be with him, and am even moving there to be with him so that I can do everything possible to make Him see me, the person that's so in love with Him, the person that would sacrafice her life for this man (I'm serious)" and rah rah rah rah rah, sorry darling, but all i can hear is "i loved this man, and he didnt love me back and im h-u-r-t-i-n-g........... m-e.

There are only two options:
Option One: walk away, and there are plenty here that will help you and support you to do that. For it is best to distance yourself, when extricating from a painful relationship. Absence if endured long enough, stop's making you wake up crying eventually. And lots of good tips will head you way to enable you to survive this decision and come out on top.

or

Option Two: do option one, only say, 3 yrs on from now. When your weaker from the struggle, when your miles from known supports, when your behaviour deteriorates through frustration of being a unowned slave, as you watch him have one partner or the other, but never You. (and my personal phobic belief system-when your 3 yrs older!).

Both treatments are painful, only one leads to recovery.

anything else is variations on a theme.

I wish you insight, strength, friends, love, comfort, succour, self esteem, empowerment, success and peace.

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 12:26:57 AM

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: punnishme
I dont want to leave Him and I wont, I just need to know what to do to make my self fall out of love with this man and just be the slave that I'm suppose to be to Him yet I dont know if I can do that because I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is my love for Him, I' m so attached, I'm so vulnerable and I miss Him so much it's been a month since I've seen Him and each time I leave it doesn't get any easier, I still cry myself to sleep not having His arm around me to feel safe and secure as I fall asleep. I'm just so lost and He's on the phone each night, what's it going to be like when He's not there anymore at all.

I'm starting to think our friendship was the worst decision of my life because I know how much pain it will cause me in the end if I dont do something about my feelings now. I want to be His slave, I just dont want to love Him anymore. Please someone help.

Why in the world do you want to not love him anymore but be his slave?
You arleady are his slave, why is loving him bothering you? Are you miserable with unrequited love and somehow think that if someoene cut out the emotional part of you, this relationship would suddenly become a satisfying one? Being his slave, in my view, can only be enhanced by the fact that you love him and would therefore do anything for him. That your love is not reciprocated is problematic because it leaves you needing and wanting much more; maybe deep down even you recognize you deserve much more.
The only way I've been able to get over loving someone who does not or cannot love me is by learning to love myself enough to have made the determination in my mind and heart that ill treatment is unacceptable, and unloving acts should not be confused for anything else.

P.S. I agree with Pandoravampire, and advise you read her note carefully. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 1:59:19 AM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

Dear punnishme, i empathize... i was...there. i hope you don't mind, but i peeked at your profile a bit. You really answer yourself in there you know!!! i am not going to quote it to you, but ask you to go back and actually read it. You write about how you wish TO be treated

and how you definately do NOT wish to be treated.

In this whole situation there's only ONE person involved, that YOU have "the ability to change" and you know who that is. "You can move there, sacrifice everything, work your butt off, push Him out of the way of an oncoming train"!!! Then get up and do it all over again....He has made up His mind...and it is certainly not a reflection on YOU!!! or how good your service is, or how willing you are to be there for Him, or how much you are willing to sacrifice? For HIM..this! is a done deal. For whatever reason/ it is HIS! This is something unfortunately you cannot fix. It's like you stand before the Grand Canyon. The divide is huge. Your very basic needs are going unmet, as You said yourself, and you are tired of living this way. After you go back and read your profile, which i hope you will?..Ask yourself honestly! Emotionally, what will i be like in 1 or 2yrs if i continue to live this way.

i also know of this haunting fear: How will i be able to make it through without Him?
i had to do something like this, it was as if i was literally dying....from being without him, it felt as though, i could not breath,,,i am very serious. It was going to be the first time i would live alone, too! So..i lined up support. i gained needed self-confidence & self esteem...from knowing, i could Love & take care of myself, and make wise decisions, even if they hurt so much, they made me feel like i couldn't breathe. Obviously? i am breathing just fine and have been for many years. This long winded post! Proves it..lol.
(yes i know, posts are writing not talking..lol.) Best wishes, Be well punnishme, feel free to contact me if you like. mossy

< Message edited by mossy -- 7/14/2005 2:20:30 AM >

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 2:13:31 AM

Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
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Hello punishme.

I responded to another thread you wrote about this, and my response said that you should tell him how you feel... but I see from this post that he knows how you feel already.

I can only agree with the other responses you've received here... And I feel so sorry for you in your position because like many others, I've been there too. He doesn't want you to love him, and there's no way you can turn off the love you have for him like a tap. You can't live your life like this, because it's destroying you, and however much you think you can avoid or change things, it will only get worse if you let the situation continue. So you have to do the only thing you can, and move away from the relationship. You have to do that for you, and the sooner the better.

I won't give you a lot of advice of how to do that, of how to survive the pain you're going to feel, because there are plenty of places you can get advice on that and it's not what you asked for. Just keep your mind on the fact that you deserve to be in a happy place, you're not there now, and you are going to have to go through a lot more suffering before it gets better... but IT WILL.

~ Elektra

(in reply to mossy)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 3:27:51 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

Sometimes people are afraid to love. Is he divorced or recently out of a relationship where he was hurt? When someone is 20 there is a big difference in how we perceive time then when we are 40. As someone else suggested give it time.
Why would someone would not want a young sub like you is beyond me other than he is afraid to love.

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 3:43:36 AM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

some Masters have very strict codes in their lives about NOT falling in love with their slaves ever!!! Some even take it a step further, as well as never falling in love, they also strongly believe sexual intercourse, ruins all Master slave boundaries that have been put in place.

(in reply to slave4mzpatti)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 4:03:14 AM

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
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Hello There,
Unfortunately the part of us that gives reason and logic isn't a part of us that can override our hearts. Falling out of love with someone usually can only happen after a relationship ends or the other party suffocates it away.
I think to waste your strength, devotion & energy on someone who has no intention or desire to reciprocate is what your problem is. If he doesn't intend to ever even try to love you it makes your situation as hopeless as you feel.
I know you say you'll never leave him, but I hope one day you change your mind and find a man that can reflect yor feelings like a mirror, instead of sucking you dry in this black hole your Dom seems to have in the place of his heart.
I would not recommend moving closer to him as you're going to feel stronger love if you see him more, and he's going to withdraw from you if he feels your pushing him to give you more than he's chosen to expend.
It seems like your Dom wants to have his cake and eat it too, and with you being the cake all you're going to end up with is an empty cold plate with a few crumbs left on it.
I know it's hard to change, and this seems like the only man in the world for you. By his own words he's told you he does not love you and is looking for one he will love, maybe you should be doing the same thing.
It's not what you want to hear, but you deserve love, and to have the man that wants to have the babies with you you seek. Not someone that is using you as a bed warmer for his real love.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 4:34:44 AM

Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
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punnishme,

if He is pushing you away, you may have to let go. is it more painful for you to wake up without Him, or when He tells you He does not choose you, and will find another to love?

is there any other reason for moving there, than to be in His face more? if that is the only reason, my suggestion is "don't go where you aren't welcome."

there is a chance He IS in love with you, and is fighting it for your own good... but right now, he is hurting you so much, and you have to take care of yourself.

having been in a very similar situation, it was better for me to accept what He was saying, and try to let go. it hurt. it hurt more to have my feelings rejected over and over, though.

if your Master is not going to care for you emotinally, you have to care for yourself. this may mean that you have to stay where you are, where you have stability and support. if He comes back and asks you to move there, for the right reasons, then maybe there will be something to move on.

good luck to you.

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 4:47:32 AM

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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quote:

I'm starting to think our friendship was the worst decision of my life because I know how much pain it will cause me in the end if I dont do something about my feelings now. I want to be His slave, I just dont want to love Him anymore. Please someone help.

Give it one year, at least, before you commit everything, before you move and give up all you have now. One full year to allow yourself to decide what it is that you truly feel, it could be love, or it could be infatuation... which is sometimes so much more intense then love... give it one year and then decide. If it is true love then believe me, it will survive that year easily, but if it is infatuation... you will have saved yourself from a serious emotional roller coaster... just be patient.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 5:36:20 AM

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It honestly sounds to me like he likes the convenience of having someone devoted to him around, but isn't being strong enough to end it even though it's obviously not healthy.

To be blunt (moi?), I don't think this will end in happiness and I think you should be the one to have the courage to end it so that you both can find the happiness and fulfillment you both deserve. Then you will mourn. And then you will heal. And then you can really go out and find someone compatible.

Or....continue like you have. I don't see either of you changing, so why would the situation?

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 7:30:54 AM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
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I agree with Emerald. This isn't a happy relationship and probably won't end as one. I would rethink the move, and try to distance myself as much as possible. You are young, and your profile does say that your looking. Give yourself some time, and try to find a Dom that can love you like you want.

perfection

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 8:00:14 AM

Heinz

Posts: 65
Joined: 4/19/2005
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There is an contradictio in your story, sorry.
If you do not want to fall in love, or even when it is forbidden, then try to go out to meetings. Meet other BDSM persons. Do not lock yourself up!!!

_____________________________

Heinz, from Holland (Europe)

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 11:19:40 AM

Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

Why in the world do you want to not love him anymore but be his slave?
You arleady are his slave, why is loving him bothering you? Are you miserable with unrequited love and somehow think that if someoene cut out the emotional part of you, this relationship would suddenly become a satisfying one? Being his slave, in my view, can only be enhanced by the fact that you love him and would therefore do anything for him. That your love is not reciprocated is problematic because it leaves you needing and wanting much more; maybe deep down even you recognize you deserve much more.
The only way I've been able to get over loving someone who does not or cannot love me is by learning to love myself enough to have made the determination in my mind and heart that ill treatment is unacceptable, and unloving acts should not be confused for anything else.

P.S. I agree with Pandoravampire, and advise you read her note carefully. M

I agree with both these fine ladies and think they are both absolutely right. I completely agree that loving someone makes you much more devoted than otherwise.

I would end the relationship, grieve, and move forward. We've all been there, and everyone is here to support you and be here for you. The age thing, the distance, all of those sound like excuses to me. Either he's ready to love, or he is afraid. ... I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you can find a way to move forward and be good to yourself at the same time.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/14/2005 11:56:12 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

some Masters have very strict codes in their lives about NOT falling in love with their slaves ever!!! Some even take it a step further, as well as never falling in love, they also strongly believe sexual intercourse, ruins all Master slave boundaries that have been put in place.

I know several doms who feel this way. Then when they do have sex they take it as a failure on their part. The lifestyle being the way it is with the trust, etc. People are going to care deeply for one another.
I can't imagine being with someone and not falling in love with them. For me, if someone told me I was not allowed to love them. I'd have to find another partner.
It is a sad state to talk to these submissives who are so perplexed. The doms always pushing them away...and them holding onto the empty hope someday they will change their minds.

I feel for you, but I don't see any solution. If you've been honest with him and he doesn't seem to care. The only alternative is to find someone who does.

(in reply to mossy)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/15/2005 10:15:52 PM

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Joined: 1/22/2005
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Dear punishme,

I've read your post and I've taken a look at your profile.
Only you hold the answer to your dilemma. I do not know all the circumstances of your relationship.

What I can deduce from your written word is that he and you have very different objectives.

You hold the key to true happiness in you hands. You cannot place all your hopes in changing another's feelings, wants or desires. Please take a break for yourself to think about what you truly want out of a relationship and life in general.

Try and picture yourself in this same situation years from now. Is this what you want your life to feel like? Are you happy? Be honest with yourself as that will show you the path to your contentment.

Life is far from easy. Your contentment will guide you if you let it. Feel fee to contact me if need be.

In my thoughts and prayers,
dsparkle

_____________________________

He reaches down & his fingers caress my cheek. Lifting my chin, his intense gaze holds me as he tells me to dance in the way that we choose to live. "Dance for me, my little sparkle, dance to the beat of a different drummer."....

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/16/2005 5:49:51 AM

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Joined: 6/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: darksparkle

Dear punishme,

I've read your post and I've taken a look at your profile.
Only you hold the answer to your dilemma. I do not know all the circumstances of your relationship.

What I can deduce from your written word is that he and you have very different objectives.

You hold the key to true happiness in you hands. You cannot place all your hopes in changing another's feelings, wants or desires. Please take a break for yourself to think about what you truly want out of a relationship and life in general.

Try and picture yourself in this same situation years from now. Is this what you want your life to feel like? Are you happy? Be honest with yourself as that will show you the path to your contentment.

Life is far from easy. Your contentment will guide you if you let it. Feel fee to contact me if need be.

In my thoughts and prayers,
dsparkle

Wonderful advice dsparkle.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to darksparkle)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/16/2005 11:38:31 AM

Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
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You might also want to try to speak in a manner which doesn't sound as if you are blaming him because you are in love with him and doing all of these things for him.
If I am mistaken please correct me, but were these not your choices?

Best of luck,

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/16/2005 10:51:41 PM

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
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Firstly.

Did he make it clear initially that he was not interested in romance?
Some Masters feel that love will ruin the M/s dynamic.

This is not usually realistic. I feel it's better not only to allow it,but use it to one's benefit.

Speaking from my perspective,I'm going to make use of a girl. But I'm not likely to allow my emotions to effect how I do that to the degree that it cripples my ability to stay where I agreed to be initially.

Secondly-the age part with him sounds like insecurity. He may be having a mid life crisis if he is feeling this sort of guilt and conflict. Get this thrashed out before you tear up your entire life to move in with him.

There is no point in going there is he plans to release you-best to cut the strings and move on. This is one point at which you have every right to force HIM to make up his mind. He wants you ,or not.

YES.

or

NO- "maybe" NOT being a third option.

(in reply to punnishme)

RE: not allowed to love Him what do I do? - 7/17/2005 10:31:29 PM

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Joined: 7/16/2005
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run run like the wind

(in reply to punnishme)

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