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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 7:23:23 PM

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If i were going to seek therapy i would be more interested in their approach to treatment then whether or not they were kink friendly. Are they into CBT (no not cock and ball torture lol), DBT, Jungian Analysts etc... Interview a few and see who you connect with. Invest the time as you will be building a relationship of sorts, so don't just pick anyone, threat as you would any relationship you are going to invest time in, money in this one to boot.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 7:27:48 PM

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Two areas where a therapist has to report - If you are a danger to someone and you tell the therapist you plan to do that person harm (or have done), or you tell them you are going to harm yourself. If you are in a consentual relationship where bdsm is involved why would the therapist want to turn you in? They are more concerned with building trust rather then breaking it down.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 8:11:14 PM

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Because there are still some therapists who believe BDSM is abuse. So they see a bruise and they feel perfectly justified even compelled to report the bruise as possible evidence of domestic violence. Then the investigation starts, the kids are removed by overzelouse CPS and the entire world turns upside down.
Likelyhood very low that this will happen but still not zero, and with that much at risk do you want to take that chance?
If you find one on the KAP list then at least you know they are aware that BDSM is not domestic violence.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 8:57:11 PM

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I just asked how knowledgable she was in alternatative sexuality. But the truth is that any relationship troubles we have had are not because of d/s, but step-family issues. My family haven't consented to him making decisions for them and he agrees with this. Besides, being that heavy handed is a good way to make them hate him and mother trumps sub in my book.

But I need her to know what's going on in my life or why am I paying her this much money? So she has to be able to hear the details that do matter. She puts down my liking a strong, dominant male to my stress levels in other areas. She may be right, I'm calmer being able to turn my problems over to him instead of feeling I have to do everything myself.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 9:02:05 PM

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Lots of things can happen in life, why choose to live in fear. i just can't see mentioning a bruise or a therapist seeing one turning into CPS yanking kids away. Hell you could always deny it and say he's making up stories cause you thwarted his advances....

Alls fair in love and war

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 9:14:44 PM

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Yeah. I'm in the social service field and honestly, it's got to be pretty bad before any therapist would report "abuse", unless it involves "little ones", then that is usually required by law. I don't think in 20 years, I've ever heard of a therapist calling the police because an abused spouse was coming for therapy.

With that said, I think I'd check around for kink-friendly therapists. There are plenty of great therapists out there, but there are plenty of quacks too. I wouldn't want to waste 100+ on someone who would judge my lifestyle.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 10:13:17 PM

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I'm seeing a therapist off the KAP list and it has been great for me. I actually get to talk about *ALL* of my life and it's made a world of difference for me. She's actually in the scene so I don't have to explain some things and i can just ramble (as I'm apt to do). If there's not a KAP in your area, totally interview the person. I've found/seen that people who claim to work with gay/lesbian/poly amourous tend to be kink aware even if they don't advertise it. Just my $0.02

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 11:28:26 PM

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I know a daddy dom who went through a divorce with his sub. He called around to a university hospital and asked for a BDSM friendly reccomendation. They gave him three names. Two of them admited up front that they were not friendly and the third called the cops stating that he was abusive, then called DFS to try and have his children taken away.

Good Luck and be really careful.

~Ki

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 11:47:12 PM

FelinePersuasion

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I was told, that as long as you're both adults, and you're not threatening imminent harm, the therapist can't call the cops on you. I was afraid they could cause I had smacked james in the face after he threw something and it hit me, and when I asked about it, they said they couldn't take any actions cause we're both adults.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

Yeah. I'm in the social service field and honestly, it's got to be pretty bad before any therapist would report "abuse", unless it involves "little ones", then that is usually required by law. I don't think in 20 years, I've ever heard of a therapist calling the police because an abused spouse was coming for therapy.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/7/2007 11:51:55 PM

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find someone who is a trained sex thearpist...or whatever moniker they are going about today
they are trained to accept any and all non-threat sexuality (that means kids, etc, not what most of us do) and unlike most social workers including psycholo's., they are actually trained and weeded out if they can't seperate their own shit from the patients needs....

almost invariably they are female, I think back in 85 when I was in the program only 1 out of 350 males graaduated, (and yeah I woulda been one of them except for I got my first contract before the last quarter and chose the possibilty of fame over a different life (sue me I was young n stupid)) :) and assuming there has been no great laspe in teh training, you will be able to find someone who won't treat your lifestyle choices like a problem's symptoms...unless they are which is entirely another thing altogether.

and then as has been suggested; harshly judge them one by one, don't stick with a bad one, or one who treats you like because you have non-traditional interests its an earmark of a greater problem...and don't run from someone who is telling you something you know is right (in the privacy of your own head) but is not something you want to hear. (it's a fine line I agree)

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 12:08:50 AM

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Generally kink friendly has little to do with the modalities that they choose to work in.
I know kink friendly therapists from just about every school of thought.
I also know more of them that are men than female.

A good place to look is aasect.org. It takes alot of sexuality specific training to get certified by them!
The kink aware professionals list http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75 is a good place to start but you have to keep in mind that therapists on this list are self referred. That means that they have decided themselves that they are kink friendly, not that they are trained in working specifically with the kink community or its unique issues. Sometimes kink friendly can mean "their kink" friendly, not yours!

I work as a kink friendly therapist in the SF Bay area and we're having a meeting about what clients need coming up on September 22nd at the SF LBGT center in room 100 from 1-3. If you're in the Bay area and are a mental health professional you should come and network with us!

My Masters degree is in Counseling Psychology and my thesis was specifically on the BDSM community & providing culturally sensitive therapy services.
Its a shame but there really aren't alot of organizations for therapists to be trained in BDSM and kink, I'm doing alot of activism to try and change that!

(in reply to Perplex)

RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 12:10:57 AM

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Oh yes, and if you have trouble with your therapists reaction, feel free to print out my Masters thesis and give it to them ;)
http://www.heatherpowers.com/thesiscalstate.doc

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 2:39:10 AM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Because there are still some therapists who believe BDSM is abuse. So they see a bruise and they feel perfectly justified even compelled to report the bruise as possible evidence of domestic violence. Then the investigation starts, the kids are removed by overzelouse CPS and the entire world turns upside down.

The really funny thing is that they will ascribe the resulting mental state to the BDSM, and not to the clusterfuck they will have made of your life. As you said, a very low risk of this happening, especially if you're able to coherently explain the difference between BDSM and domestic abuse, along with why you're into it.

But there are some schools that are a higher risk in this regard than others.

CBT therapists should generally be more pragmatic, and their field requires more skill at actual reasoning and practical problem solving, so they're more likely to be intelligent enough to "get it", even if it isn't their cup of tea. I don't know about DBT, but I'd guess there is a similar trend there, unless you have a BPD. Perhaps others can weigh in?

Freudians and their psychoanalysis is, from what I have read, the worst sort you could run into if you're into BDSM or any other kink. Some of the articles on this that have been published in peer reviewed journals are positively appaling, to the point of asserting that e.g. public play for a woman means she either thinks her clit is a "worthy" penis or she's got some serious narcissistic pathologies. Staying away from these is a good idea, especially since studies show them to be neither more or less effective than talking to your priest or primary care physician.

Generally, I'd recommend CBT therapists for kinky people.

On the other hand, I'd recommend those in general, so...

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to Archer)

RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 7:10:34 AM

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It all depends on why you want to pursue therapy. If you have lifestyle issues like - why do i keep chooing crappy doms - CBT - If you are unhappy about pursuing bdsm and fraught with guilt and use it as a means to denigrate yourself because of a deep seated self hatred and don't know why and want to understand - maybe the analysts couch. If you are going for help for a personality disorder like borderline then DBT. i would be interested to know which approach most kink friendly therapists take - although i h ave found most just say eclectic anyway.

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 7:24:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Why does your therapist need to know details of your kinky dynamics? Is that why you are in therapy? If so, by all means get a professional who knows about it but my guess it that they won't let you hide behind the kink but will dig into the human issues.

If you aren't in therapy for your kinkiness, why do you need tell them more than "I'm into BDSM but that's not why I'm looking for a counselor. I'm need helping with X." If they keep focusing on the kink, they aren't the therapist for you; pay them for their time and walk out.

For me they need to know because they need to know about all of my life. If I am paying a therapist 100+ to listen to me talk about my life and my personal battle with depression, I better fucking be able to call my owner "Sir" along with his given name without them worrying about it. I want to be able to talk about my sub drop because while it's not depression, they have a lot in common for me.

My gyno does not need to know about all of my life in order to tell me that I don't have cervical cancer and my pap smear is normal. My surgeon doesn't need to know about all of my life to access how much tissue needs to be removed in order to complete my surgery. But I need to comfortable enough with my therapist to tell them anything for them to correctly assess my mental health.

Now, if you find a great therapist that way all the better! All that I am saying is that my guess is that you may have better luck finding a kink-friendly therapist off the KAP website and that it would make me feel more comfortable because I don't know exactly how the laws regarding the issues of domestic abuse work in any given state.

Hope this clarifies my reasoning.

Actually it doesn't clarify it to my mind.

My therapist knows that Fox is my slave, she's met him, he sometimes goes to sessions with me. His being my slave though isn't part of the problems my therapist and I working on so her acceptance of our dynamic is not more than her acceptance of my being poly or my being married. It's just part of who I am that is not one of my problems.

Her acceptance didn't require and doesn't require that she understands Ds or Ms fully. We are human beings first and foremost after all.

Even a KAP therapist isn't going to let his/her clients slide by relying on their authority dynamic, I've met several of these wonderful people to know that, but they will treat them as human beings first and foremost who are in a relationship.

Every relationship is unique and a good therapist will know that not treat you like a textbook case. So Ds or Ms or vanilla really shouldn't be an issue with a good therapist.

Note I said a "good therapist" not just some generic therapist. Too often I think folks just pick a therapist and don't "shop around" when they really should. A KAP professional may know all about kink but turn out to be completely inappropriate for you and your issues. Knowledge isn't as important attitude and philosophy I think in therapy; your therapist can always learn more after all but attitude and philosophy are more difficult to change.

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 7:26:00 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Because there are still some therapists who believe BDSM is abuse. So they see a bruise and they feel perfectly justified even compelled to report the bruise as possible evidence of domestic violence. Then the investigation starts, the kids are removed by overzelouse CPS and the entire world turns upside down.
Likelyhood very low that this will happen but still not zero, and with that much at risk do you want to take that chance?
If you find one on the KAP list then at least you know they are aware that BDSM is not domestic violence.

And a person would choose such a therapist to see why exactly?

Come on, unless you are forced to see a particular therapist you do have choices folks and you should take the time to choose wisely.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 8:24:46 AM

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My position is that I have to be able to tell my therapist anything and talk about anything or it isn't going to do me any good.

I spent years in therapy, hiding my sexuality. I wasn't in treatment for my sexuality, I was in treatment for depression and making sure that I was adjusting to the world as a fairly heavy ADHD middle school and then teenager. However, once I started to feel comfortable enough with my therapist to talk about anything, and we talked about everything from my first kisses to my math tests, I started making a lot of progress.

You asked: Why does it matter that they know? To me it matters because they aren't going to be of any use to me if I can't talk about everything. I've done the whole "hiding parts of my life that didn't seem important" and those years were just a huge waste of money and time.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 8:29:15 AM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

It all depends on why you want to pursue therapy.

Of course. CBT is for solving problems in general, and for treating mental illness. DBT is indeed for borderline and the like. The rest is for someone to talk to, mostly, but can be useful input for some people. As for psychoanalysts, I would keep my thoughts on BDSM to myself around those, so as to avoid problems and unnecessary risk.

quote:

i would be interested to know which approach most kink friendly therapists take

Would be interesting to know.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to velvetears)

RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 4:55:50 PM

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I'm a registered therapist here in the UK.
I run a course based on holistic sex therapy, ecclectic and well dtructured.
Sexual dynamics, power exchange, differentiating gantasy/realities form part of it.
My private life is my private life but it soon becomes apparent from the nature of the therapy that it goes betond what the client(s0 have previously been offered.
Most of my work comes actually from males, surprisingly, since western world wise there are twice as many women whop get themselves into therapy across all therapies than men. That is not because women have twice as many problems.
Good sex therapy is rare in the UK as we are in general a guilt ridden nation who views therapy with skepticism.
I do disclose that I am into bdsm practices and indeed was on a TV show filmed here by Endemol as a joint venture with an American psychologist.
It's an absolute honour to be able to do what I do and it's truly an honour to have others confidethere fears, their predilections and their breakthroughs.
Excuse typos its late here.....

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RE: "Kink friendly" therapist? - 9/8/2007 5:18:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

My position is that I have to be able to tell my therapist anything and talk about anything or it isn't going to do me any good.

I spent years in therapy, hiding my sexuality. I wasn't in treatment for my sexuality, I was in treatment for depression and making sure that I was adjusting to the world as a fairly heavy ADHD middle school and then teenager. However, once I started to feel comfortable enough with my therapist to talk about anything, and we talked about everything from my first kisses to my math tests, I started making a lot of progress.

You asked: Why does it matter that they know? To me it matters because they aren't going to be of any use to me if I can't talk about everything. I've done the whole "hiding parts of my life that didn't seem important" and those years were just a huge waste of money and time.

I'm so sorry you felt like you needed to hide those parts of yourself when you were in therapy.

I have refused to hide any part of myself in therapy and I have never chosen a KAP therapist. I have never had these problems with therapist.

Not to pick on you, honestly I'm not trying to, but could it be that our own fears -- not the open mindedness or the abilities of professionals we turn to -- are what keeps feeding these same fears?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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