Control

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sublove037 -> Control (9/9/2007 12:52:46 PM)
hello, i know there are many different types of Dommes, (cbt, financial, strap-on etc.) on here. But what do you think the most common thing all Dommes enjoy being in control of concerning their submissives?

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 12:56:09 PM)
His choices/behavior/authority, that is what I enjoy final say/control over. M

lateralist1 -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 1:57:25 PM)
You seem to be mixing up control with 'play' sublove037 Control for me is about having the final say over everything in a submissives life. That doesn't mean I want to micromanage someone. Once I know he is following my training a sub can have a lot of autonomy. I also expect him to use his initiative to please me.

hardbodysub -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 2:37:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lateralist1 You seem to be mixing up control with 'play' sublove037 Control for me is about having the final say over everything in a submissives life. That doesn't mean I want to micromanage someone. Once I know he is following my training a sub can have a lot of autonomy. I also expect him to use his initiative to please me. lateralist1, where do you get the idea that sublove037 is "mixing up" anything? I think you're the one who's mixing up basic vocabulary. Control and play are not mutually exclusive terms. You can have control without play, play without control, or both together. Control can be over one thing, or many things. The fact that a dominant may not be in control over "everything in a submissive's life" doesn't make that relationship merely play. I think the question is a valid one. Individual dominants may be very interested in controlling certain aspects of a sub's life, but not others. The difference between play and control has nothing to do with it. Personally, I'm very interested in knowing what a potential domme wants to control about me, and what she doesn't really care about.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 6:14:04 PM)
Everything

earthycouple -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 6:17:42 PM)
First of all not all Dommes have the same things in common. And to answer the basic question....everything, nearly.

hardbodysub -> RE: Control (9/9/2007 6:27:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: earthycouple First of all not all Dommes have the same things in common. And to answer the basic question....everything, nearly. Good point. Somehow, after reading one of the responses, I forgot that the OP asked for the most common thing that all dommes like to control. Obviously, not all dommes like the same things. It would be interesting to hear the opinions of different dommes regarding the specific activities or aspects of life they most like to control.

BeachMystress -> RE: Control (9/10/2007 12:33:40 PM)
The submissive is the common thing we like to control................

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Control (9/10/2007 10:14:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BeachMystress The submissive is the common thing we like to control................ No, not even that. I prefer slaves. Of course, my definition of slave might actually be your definition of submissive, in which case, you're right. now I have a headache! Master Fire

MsLilac -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 2:59:01 AM)
First of all, that was a big set of limitations you gave in those examples (I.E “cbt, financial, strap-on, etc"). That would imply that you are viewing this from a play aspect, as opposed to an all round aspect. I haven’t met to many Dommes that are that limited in their domination either - just enjoying one or two aspects of domination. That question is difficult to answer, cause for me at least, there isn’t a ‘one thing’, its all encompassing. I’m not micromanaging, but I am in control of pretty much all of it… life (as much as I can control that lol) household, play, them, etc - the final say of everything rests with me. There is no one thing I enjoy the most, I just ‘am‘. But I suspect you are looking for less boring, more kink related answers? You might be better off asking what is their kink if that’s the case.

malloves69 -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 4:53:58 AM)
definitely a submissive here ...and i love a lady in control [:)] sexually agressive ones are the best [:)] mal

pixelslave -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 7:25:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam His choices/behavior/authority, that is what I enjoy final say/control over. M Here's a related question for you that might expand the topic and generate some more discussion. Do you do that gradually over time, and if so is it overtly or in a more covert/subtle fashion? Does it require his obvious submission or is it often more a case of a gentle taking of control of the things you want, which he concedes to you without realizing as he becomes increasingly submissive to you? [8\|] I ask this because sometimes getting what you want is quite often entirely a matter of the approach which is taken. When a man has lived on his own for quite a long time, he may have difficulty giving up control of many things in his life if it happens all at once. Yet when taken piece by piece, in little tiny chunks, he may not even notice as he's concedes the control, naturally submitting to the desires of his Domme, and thus be all the happier for it as it's gone and has, without giving any thought to it, relinquished it to his Domme. [&:] I'd like to make it clear that I don't see this as a manipulation, only an easing into the form of the relationship which I presume that both eventually desire to have. It avoids the "sink or swim" type of confrontations and struggles that can occur while giving both the needed time to adjust to their new roles and responsibilities. [:)] - pixel Collared to Majik

LadyAlzara -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 7:43:04 AM)
What does a Domme want to control? That depends on the Domme in question...and the slave for that matter. Like some of the Ladies here, I have no desire to control every aspect of life for a slave...I mean what they wear to work or eat for dinner doesn't matter to Me, unless W/we have arranged something prior. When going on an "outting" I may control these things...dress them properly. I have a few things that are universal...small body modifications that are required for service, attitude, and willingness to learn. I am interested in influencing the outlook of a submissive. I may change or control anything in order to achieve that goal. Influence in dress or attitude is an extension of My control, but not the beginning or the end of it. Z

stockingluvr54 -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 9:20:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave I ask this because sometimes getting what you want is quite often entirely a matter of the approach which is taken. When a man has lived on his own for quite a long time, he may have difficulty giving up control of many things in his life if it happens all at once. Yet when taken piece by piece, in little tiny chunks, he may not even notice as he's concedes the control, naturally submitting to the desires of his Domme, and thus be all the happier for it as it's gone and has, without giving any thought to it, relinquished it to his Domme. [&:] - pixel Collared to Majik Well said Pixel....!!!! As a newbie, in my own head, I struggle with how much control am I willing to give up? I know I'm 110% bedroom bottom at least...that's a given! I also desire to serve,pamper,do housework,etc. and want to try and please a potential mate but I also feel I can't be anybodys slave or go-for? Somewhere in the middle at this time...that big grey area? I'm a naturally rebellious little bastard and will naturally rebel any "authority" if it's done with disrespect! I feel I am very willing and could slowly take more authority over time as long as an underlying understanding around mutual respect was in play in the relationship? Key words..."over time"and "respect". I recently screwed up a potential a few months ago but one thing she said to me over our brief exchange that stuck in my mind was " I believe D/s takes place slowly over time". I feel I'm very willing to learn but too much too fast would probably be much more than I could handle....jmo Thanks for bringing that up and sorry folks for the sidetrack......

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 10:20:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave quote: ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam His choices/behavior/authority, that is what I enjoy final say/control over. M Here's a related question for you that might expand the topic and generate some more discussion. Do you do that gradually over time, and if so is it overtly or in a more covert/subtle fashion? Does it require his obvious submission or is it often more a case of a gentle taking of control of the things you want, which he concedes to you without realizing as he becomes increasingly submissive to you? I think it has to happen over time... It takes anyone time to get to know a person, and get a feel for what type of person/lady he is with, before he would develop sufficient comfort and begin yielding at all times (which is what I ultimately desire)... And though I don't require obvious submission from the start, I do tend to enjoy the gentler type of male (at least in public, not necessarily in the bedroom), who listens carefully and makes his best effort to conform to my suggestions unless he has a better alternative, and articulates it in a gentle/respectful way. I most certainly wouldn't work well with someone who is aggressive about expressing his wishes/desires/opinions in public to me; just as it would be inappropriate for him to be a loudmouth about his submission, so too it would be in being disagreeable. My opinion is that if he's a gentleman, I won't need much more submission initially than his behaving like a gentleman. Understanding manners/showing courtesy are basic, so that is a good place to start. quote: I ask this because sometimes getting what you want is quite often entirely a matter of the approach which is taken. When a man has lived on his own for quite a long time, he may have difficulty giving up control of many things in his life if it happens all at once. Yet when taken piece by piece, in little tiny chunks, he may not even notice as he's concedes the control, naturally submitting to the desires of his Domme, and thus be all the happier for it as it's gone and has, without giving any thought to it, relinquished it to his Domme. I agree that approach matters, but it cannot be a case of dating/courtship that takes years, before he decides he will/will not. I'm happy to go gradual, because I feel that the extent to which I intend to exert control over his life, would make any well adjusted man run in the opposite direction. So what I hope for is to meet someone who is compatible as a human being, is a gentleman, and wants to be in a female lead relationship. The details will work out in the end, if as I ask he either delivers, or expresses why he could not in the appropriate manner. What I require, is a lot of communicating and spending a bit of time together to get a feel for what he wants/needs in order to be sufficiently comfortable to follow. Easier said than done though when I never tend to find them nearby. Hope that answers your question. M

MizzElle -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 12:14:24 PM)
I can only answer for myself here, but what I desire to control most depends on what they are to me. A sub, a slave, a client...they all make me feel differently and want different things from them. Not only that, but it may change on a person to person basis. Someone who is very submissive naturally may make me feel like I can control everything about them, down to what they eat and wear. Others I may be content with telling them how to do my laundry.

pixelslave -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 9:08:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave I ask this because sometimes getting what you want is quite often entirely a matter of the approach which is taken. When a man has lived on his own for quite a long time, he may have difficulty giving up control of many things in his life if it happens all at once. Yet when taken piece by piece, in little tiny chunks, he may not even notice as he's concedes the control, naturally submitting to the desires of his Domme, and thus be all the happier for it as it's gone and has, without giving any thought to it, relinquished it to his Domme. I agree that approach matters, but it cannot be a case of dating/courtship that takes years, before he decides he will/will not. I'm happy to go gradual, because I feel that the extent to which I intend to exert control over his life, would make any well adjusted man run in the opposite direction. So what I hope for is to meet someone who is compatible as a human being, is a gentleman, and wants to be in a female lead relationship. The details will work out in the end, if as I ask he either delivers, or expresses why he could not in the appropriate manner. What I require, is a lot of communicating and spending a bit of time together to get a feel for what he wants/needs in order to be sufficiently comfortable to follow. Easier said than done though when I never tend to find them nearby. Hope that answers your question. M M, I wasn't at all referring to years of courtship, but more a case of gradually taking control over a period of months as feels appropriate and comfortable to you for your particular situation. Speaking for myself, the more attached I become to a woman, the more submissive I naturally become to her as well. I can't separate the two and it's why I can't play casually as many others do. So the longer a relationship continues and the bond builds, the more submissive I'm going to naturally become. What I at first might be a bit resistant to, in part because there hasn't been sufficient trust established, will feel very natural after a certain amount of time has passed and I won't even pause to question what's being asked of me. The hesitation that's often initially there with new partners just seems to gradually disappear. [&:] In part what I'm saying is that with someone wired like me, a woman could easily exert an increasing amount of control that hadn't been negotiated initially as I became increasingly submissive toward her if that's what she decided she wanted from me. With the subtle and gradual approach, I suspect that would also likely work on others just as it seems to work on me. After a certain point, a woman could have pretty much anything she wished or desired of me. Or at least that seems to be the case as I've begun to observe. [;)] - pixel Collared to Majik

MistressLorelei -> RE: Control (9/11/2007 10:49:28 PM)
For me, my control over a male would happen over time.... little by little. Having control over a situation is one thing, but having control over a person is another. I have to care about the male in order to want to modify his behavior, or control his actions to suit My needs or desires.. I would assume the mirror image to be true for the male. I would not want to be involved with a male who would just hand his life over right away to any woman who calls herself a 'Domme'. I agree with Pixel in that the bond is crucial. Without establishing trust and affection for one another that only happens with the passage of time, the "control" aspect would not feel sincere and would feel more like part of a game, rather than part of a meaningful , growing relationship. I can say 'now I control you'... but only when he really feels it within his soul, do I really have that much control. And when that happens, it's a beautiful thing.

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Control (9/12/2007 6:29:32 AM)
quote: I wasn't at all referring to years of courtship, but more a case of gradually taking control over a period of months as feels appropriate and comfortable to you for your particular situation. I suppose I exagerated to explain that while I do understand gradual comfort with submission, I've also come to develop a little bit of an instinct about it. If a man is submissive, indeed as he gets to know me, we will gradually progress in our roles, and he will have less control as time passes and he feels me trustworthy. I have known men who can submit only up to a point, and pushing/waiting for it to proceed any further is a waste of time. I was a little gullable initially in dating a "do me" who kept announcing that what we do is complex and extremely intimate, so that his relinquishing control would take time. After about a year of that, I decided to give him all the time in the world alone, but not before my taking what I knew he respected, just because I felt like it.[&:] M

Stephann -> RE: Control (9/12/2007 6:51:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sublove037 hello, i know there are many different types of Dommes, (cbt, financial, strap-on etc.) on here. But what do you think the most common thing all Dommes enjoy being in control of concerning their submissives? Their happiness. Depending on the nature of their relationship, of course. Personally, I have an enabler type personality. Nothing pleases me more than seeing my slave succeed. Stephan

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