|
Stephann -> RE: On Honesty, Love, and Trust... (9/11/2007 7:39:00 PM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
Stephann, I understand a little better now where you were coming from, but I do think you are deceiving yourself just a bit here. You’ve stated:
quote:
ORIGINAL: Stephann
... I know she wasn't asking if I was having my needs met. She was asking if I was completely happy.
If her exact words were "Are you satisfied with just me?", I think she might have been asking if your needs were being fulfilled a little more than you believe… and it sounds as if you might have thought so, as well.
Please consider this… if she was just asking if you were completely happy, don’t you think her question would have been more along the lines of "Are you happy with me?" And if she was only asking if you were completely happy and you were, why would a simple answer of "yes" not have been 100% truthful?
But your “truthful” answer didn’t stop at just answering what you say she was asking; you volunteered the information that you still would like the opportunity to enjoy other people. It seems apparent that somewhere in her question, you also believed that she was referring to whether you were happy being monogamous. Why else would you have even thought of adding that?
If FirmhandKY asked me if I was happy in our relationship, it would never occur to me to say, “Yes, but there’s this fantasy I’ve always had…” At least not unless that fantasy were one of great importance to me.
You've also implied that your desires were not needs and you were willing to forego having them fulfilled… so why did you feel it was necessary to share those fantasies and desires with her?
It's information like that that sows seeds of insecurity. It's what I mean when I say that perhaps FirmhandKY has not been completely forthcoming with me. Why would he want to volunteer information that makes absolutely no difference, but that could cause damage if I do know?
I'm not talking about keeping something from me that does make a difference… like his having a relationship with another sub (we are monogamous), or his being seriously ill, or something like that. I’m referring to inconsequential information that does not affect our relationship.
FirmhandKY doesn’t feel it’s necessary to announce to me every time he thinks I don’t look my best. If it’s because of some activity I’ve been involved in, he knows the information would be pointless. He also knows that I’m very conscientious about how I look and if I don’t look my best, there’s usually a reason. Making a point of being honest by informing me doesn’t serve a purpose and would most likely cause me to become very self-conscious and overly critical of myself. If, however, it became the norm rather than the exception and FirmhandKY thought it was a problem, then he’d say something.
It kinda comes down to the fact that FirmhandKY isn’t so selfish that he would sacrifice me in order to satisfy some self-serving ideal of being 100% honest, 100% of the time.
As far as your situation, it just seems to me that you aren’t being truthful with yourself if you insist that you would have been perfectly satisfied being monogamous with her. It’s apparently important enough to you that you’ve made it a condition for future relationships.
Hiya Treasure,
To be fair, I think it took quite a bit of reflection after the fact to understand what and why I said the things I did. Having said that, I don't have a transcript of the actual conversation; but it was clear in the context, that she was really asking if I was happy being in a monogamous relationship with her. "Are you happy with me?" is a very different sort of topic than "Are you happy with just me?" I don't know many people who would ask "Have you reached a level of physical and emotional contentment with the monogamous nature of our relationship?"
For this reason, kindly don't read into a complex that simply isn't there.
As for the question of why I'd share fantasies and desires, this is the crux; the question as she posed it (at least as I stated originally) is hardly a 'bit.' There is no yes/no on/off answer. As intimately as I knew her, it was intentionally open ended on her part, with the objective of hearing me say "I'm completely satisfied with having just you and no others either sexually or romantically." Completely satisfied. This is the conundrum. If I ask someone I love, trust, and share a bed like that, I want her to tell me if there are fantasies she hasn't had fulfilled. I want her to feel comfortable confessing that she has a crush on the stockboy or the guy across the hall or the plumber, whatever. Unfortunately, not everyone wants that kind of honesty.
As I indicated at the end of my post though, I do desire that kind of honesty. I don't want to have to decide how much of the truth to tell her. I want to feel perfectly comfortable sharing everything with her; from the most mundane, to the most sick and twisted depths. This doesn't mean I wish to be compelled to inturrupt dinner to say I had a fantasy of being cornholed by three midgets behind the Dairy Queen; it means that I don't and shouldn't feel that confessing these sides of myself will push her away. This kind of honesty doesn't work for most people I believe, though.
But yes, we can agree; there were things that I wasn't truthful to myself about at different stages of my life. The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. We're also the most likely person to believe our own lies. A great deal of reflection and introspection has done wonders for me.
Not that it's really anyone elses business or concern, of course.
Stephan
|
|
|
|
