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a weird situation - 9/11/2007 6:14:35 PM

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So I have one of those questions that can't be answered simply or easily. My partner is perfectly willing to play to my kink. We learned how to tie French bowline knots for binding limbs and have used them to good, safe, comfortable effect. There are some personal issues which form a somewhat hard line on spanking and most beating implements we have access to, but biting has proven to be nice pain.

Yet, there is still a snag. My parter isn't good at -talking- durring a scene. I've described what I like (i.e. taking orders, verbal humiliation) to the best of my ability, even tried switching roles (which is fun for me anyway) as a means of demonstration, but nothing seems to help. Anyone have any advice on this aspect of play? Even better might be any books that focus on the verbal component in addition to the safety and tools.

RE: a weird situation - 9/11/2007 7:12:00 PM

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If you partner ever has an opportunity to hear Midori lecture on aural sex, she's great. All about talking to your partner. Have you talked about why being verbal is difficult for your partner? It could be difficulty coming up with the right words, fear of saying the wrong thing, orsimply that your partner gets lost in the sensations of what is happening and therefore is in a state of mind well beyond words. I am personally overcoming these obstacles, but it takes time and perserverance. Communicating always helps. Good luck!

(in reply to dlfergus)

RE: a weird situation - 9/11/2007 8:24:33 PM

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One reason toys are such a big thing in the Scene is that they don't require anything that's really that deep or personal: you just go to a store and buy them.

Words during play, communication about kinky topics, exploration of fantasy, all require more of the person. That takes time to develop. Learning to talk isn't like learning to use a cane or flogger.

So I'd just ride with things they way they're going and keep trying to make slow progress.

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

RE: a weird situation - 9/12/2007 12:35:32 AM

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A while ago, i was a new submissive. My dominant asked for me to do this. I was dumb struck! The words simply would not come out, or if i got them out, they'd be the wrong gender and all muddled up.
I looked up 'dirty talking' on google. And read up some. Then began with descriptions of what i was doing.
then
descriptions of what i was doing and what i was going to do
then
how i was feeling whilst i was doing it

Sometimes, its just knowing where to start.
Mercurialdame

(in reply to Petronius)

RE: a weird situation - 9/12/2007 12:43:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dlfergus

So I have one of those questions that can't be answered simply or easily. My partner is perfectly willing to play to my kink. We learned how to tie French bowline knots for binding limbs and have used them to good, safe, comfortable effect. There are some personal issues which form a somewhat hard line on spanking and most beating implements we have access to, but biting has proven to be nice pain.

Yet, there is still a snag. My parter isn't good at -talking- durring a scene. I've described what I like (i.e. taking orders, verbal humiliation) to the best of my ability, even tried switching roles (which is fun for me anyway) as a means of demonstration, but nothing seems to help. Anyone have any advice on this aspect of play? Even better might be any books that focus on the verbal component in addition to the safety and tools.

write a script for your partner to follow and spell it out in detail. ask them to practice it in front of a mirror until it flows. you're already topping from the bottom, so why not go whole hog if they're willing? hopefully, you return the favor and do your partner as well so that you're both satisfied.

celeste

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(in reply to dlfergus)

RE: a weird situation - 9/12/2007 11:18:25 AM

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Greenery Press http://www.greenerypress.com/ is one of my favorite pervert presses...

They have a new book out "Fantasy Made Flesh" which looks like a good choice here. Also brilliant: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners.

It's fabulous that your partner is GGG. Give her props, give her massages, and give her what she needs.

Cheers!

Alison

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(in reply to dlfergus)

RE: a weird situation - 9/15/2007 9:52:36 AM

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I'm not in any way trying to accuse here, but how are you at listening? The ONLY reason I ask this is because it was just recently that I've started to be really comfortable talking/negotiating/giving feedback during intense play. At first I was baffled as to why the change, then I realized that it's because the girl I've been with is the first one I've been with who's good at listening and easy to talk to while playing. In the past I've been able to talk later, but never through the intense fog of sensation, and the only reason I can with her is because she comes so far in with me that I don't have to reach so far from headspace to communicate. I have to admit I have no idea how she does it, and it's a totally different kind of listening than in the relationship at large. Maybe try asking her questions while scening and see if she can respond... draw her into it, and once she gets a taste for it, she may be very good at it (and enjoy it).

(in reply to fungasm)

RE: a weird situation - 9/15/2007 5:47:49 PM

arayofsunshine55

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercurialdame
then
descriptions of what i was doing and what i was going to do
then
how i was feeling whilst i was doing it

That's what I do from the top and the bottom. How I'm feeling, what I'm doing, how I think I'll feel, what I want. We both talk to each other all the time, a conversation -- so it is never a soliloquy which I think would really not be my cup of tea. So we talk dirty with each other, rather than to each other.

And sometimes I'll string out a fantasy while we're fucking. Depending on what you, OP, mean by verbal humiliation it might never be her cup of tea. It isn't mine. It makes me VERY uncomfortable and that is not what any partner wants. I hope.

< Message edited by arayofsunshine55 -- 9/15/2007 5:48:51 PM >

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(in reply to Mercurialdame)

RE: a weird situation - 9/15/2007 9:23:32 PM

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If your partner switches and you do, make it something she is trained in. It's something I had a hard time doing at first too, but with the right encouragement, I learned :P

(in reply to dlfergus)

RE: a weird situation - 9/18/2007 7:10:01 PM

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I hate to admit it but it took a glass or two of wine for me to start really talking. Now I love to verbally humilate him!

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: a weird situation - 9/19/2007 8:20:34 AM

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Write down ideas on an index card or two. Put a blindfold on you, check card for ideas. read off apropriate line, see reaction, go on from there.

(in reply to mischievousone)

RE: a weird situation - 10/6/2007 9:11:31 AM

Zandy

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Ok people, just out of curiosity, what makes you think the partner is female? No gender has been specified - I red it 3 times. The poster is male, but is also bisexual which means the partner could be male. So, please explain how you *know* this partner is female?

(in reply to Celeste43)

RE: a weird situation - 10/6/2007 5:50:49 PM

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um...Zandy? who cares?

I personally think if the partner doesn't like to talk then the partner doesn't like to talk....and if that's not compatable and a serious turn off for the OP then OP may have the wrong partner.

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RE: a weird situation - 10/6/2007 8:17:59 PM

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Whether the partner is male or female the advice given still applies. Don't assume some discrimination where none is apparent.
I disagree in part earthycouple, because I think shyness or reluctance to talk can be overcome quite easily. Honestly, I used to find it corney to "talk dirty" and had a hard time with it. Knowing it's a huge turn on to many people and working on it got me over that.
l

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 10/6/2007 8:23:06 PM >

(in reply to earthycouple)

RE: a weird situation - 10/6/2007 8:26:50 PM

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Nilla or D/s, I simply get to a point where I am so into the sensations and feelings, I can't talk. To talk requires me to drag my focus away from what I'm feeling and who wants that? Well, some might but not me. I could read a book to you leading up to that point, but eventually that's it, it's all my own heaspace.

Not everyone is into the same things, as we all well know. Talking may just not be his/her thing and you might need to accept that.

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: a weird situation - 10/7/2007 1:31:51 AM

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<QR>
Lots of people feel judged when talking dirty. The feel silly, but usually like hearing it.

There are two stoppers. One is the inability to speak. The other is the inability to gather words.

If your partner is unable to speak, then work on communication. This could mean undoing years of conditioning.

If your partner is unable to think up words, make signs and have her blindfold you. In pornography, actors have a lot of ummm 'work' to do. If you don't want these stars just saying "fuck me! harder! fuck me!" they need queue cards.

Very brisk, hoped this helps.

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RE: a weird situation - 10/12/2007 1:57:10 PM

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Acept the fact that your partner cant verbalise so good and make doo!

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

RE: a weird situation - 10/23/2007 9:52:47 AM

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Shyness has nothing to do with it. Im not shy and I am a quiet person. I get into what I do and rarely talk. I see no need for it. Listen to lordhedon.

(in reply to lordhedon)

RE: a weird situation - 10/23/2007 12:39:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dlfergus

. My partner is perfectly willing to play to my kink.

I dunno why that line stood out so much, i gess beacuse in the whole post it was about what you wanted not your partner. I know that im crap at even so much as talking dirty i really cant do it it ruins the mood for me and i think being in the mood is kind of the point. You need to find out whether your partner actually wants to know how to?!? IF they cant do it just be happy that they are at least willing to do what they can to help make you happy.

(in reply to dlfergus)

RE: a weird situation - 10/23/2007 1:01:33 PM

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fast reply

I have had a sort of similar problem, when in the heat of the moment, I cannot verbally communicate other than whatever noises moans and sighs come out... I have had a partner that needed that, and it was a huge clash for us. We would get each other all worked up, even talking about all sorts of things leading up to that moment, but once I really was there, I would fall silent, and he would say "talk to me" and it would just totally take me out of the moment, what the hell is there to talk about when you are in that space? It was like being woken up from the best dream ever, just because someone wants a running commentary... and how frustrating can that be?!?! Granted I am referring to having sex, not just a play scene... so maybe this doesn't apply.

That said, sometimes talking can be a great turn on, but at the wrong time can be a total mood killer too. My point is, make sure you are allowing her her own headspace to enjoy your play in, and start slow maybe have her write you a kinky note, so that she can think about it a little and not worry about it coming out silly... and work on building up her self confidence if you can, then just be patient. :) best of luck!

(in reply to colouredin)

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