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Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/15/2005 8:36:37 PM

unholyruler

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/11/2005
Status: offline

Do subs tend to gravite towards Dom's they can't have? Are they less interested in the one that like them than the ones that are more of the bad boy? I've always thought of myself as the nice guy with a deep sadistic side. When I get to know a sub I try to explain both sides and that at regardless of acts I love to perform on a woman, I am at heart the guy they can take home to mom.

I get the sense this drives them away. Have other's thought that as well? Do I need to show more of the sadistic side from the start (regardless of what they say)?

_____________________________

Has someone taken your faith
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must, confess

Post #: 1

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/15/2005 10:43:25 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

No more or less than vanilla people try to get what won't work or what they can't have.

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 2

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 5:44:24 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Be yourself. The right sub for you will accept you no matter what side you present from the start, in my opinion.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 3

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 6:43:03 AM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

i actually like the complexity of a person who can share more of themselves than the active Dominant. The Mistress is always dominant: She doesn't ask for many things, expecting that they'll be done, She won't tolerate disrespect, and other things like that. However, She's not always on either: there are times when She's vulnerable in front of me, or when She's feeling especially playful or "vanilla with sprinkles". i like both sides. i can enjoy just talking to Her, finding out what Her views on a topic are, even if we're talking about the latest Harry Potter book rather than the Story of "O" (not a topic that's come up for us yet anyway :) ). If you're working toward or in a 24/7 relationship then, while sex and kink play a large role, i don't think that it's all about sex for most people. The average person is not that simple and has more needs and wants than that.

That's just my opinion of course.

Still, we are out there.

_____________________________

Happy "Swamp Thing"

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 4

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 4:57:41 PM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: unholyruler

Do subs tend to gravite towards Dom's they can't have? Are they less interested in the one that like them than the ones that are more of the bad boy? I've always thought of myself as the nice guy with a deep sadistic side. When I get to know a sub I try to explain both sides and that at regardless of acts I love to perform on a woman, I am at heart the guy they can take home to mom.

I get the sense this drives them away. Have other's thought that as well? Do I need to show more of the sadistic side from the start (regardless of what they say)?

Be a mystery man for a bit...then let them decide whether they would take you home to mom or that notorious dad!

Pesonally, i like nice guys with a nonsadistic streak.... but demand total obedience.

Does a bad ass bike make you a bad boy?
or an arm and chest full of tattoos?
A few DWI's?
or just a giant chest full of badass sadistic toys make you a bad boy?

LOL....no am not going to read all the responses.

i happen to like my Man...senstive, demonic, takes control and doesnt need a chest full of toys or bad ass bike to be all i desire.
on the side... His chest tats are totally awesome.
So is He in blue jeans...wouldnt want to see anything other than leather chaps on His nice ass............
but He is who He is.............
sure i'd take him home to momma...but i would warn Him...the wrath of mamma if we pulled out our smokes. then we'd be both be bad ass kids.
she nearly passed out when she saw my tat............ROTFLMFAO!!
If she could have knelt and prayed for my soul, she would have.

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 5

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 7:02:04 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

You just need to be yourself. You will find someone that wants both sides of you.

perfection

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 6

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 7:13:20 PM

sultryvoice

Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

I think whether lifestyle or vanilla, this is there.. At times, don't we all want what we can't have? Don't we dream of what we really want and aren't able to have? Some women dream of Brad Pitt, some men dream of Angelina Jolie. They want this but know it's not realistic. All you can do is be you. Like I have been told, someone right for you will come into your life. It just isn't your time yet. It will happen when we least expect it. We will both be lucky in time..

Respectfully,
sultry

(in reply to perfection20005)

Post #: 7

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/16/2005 9:20:01 PM

whippyhotty

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I THINK A SUB KNOWS QUIET THE OPPOSITE TO BE TRUE.IN THE END BEING DOMINATED BY YOUR DOM, IS HAVING ALOT MORE CONTROL OVER WHAT THEY HAVE THEN OTHERS REALIZE.tHEY JUST GET IT ANOTHER WAY

(in reply to sultryvoice)

Post #: 8

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/17/2005 9:00:22 AM

dechala

Posts: 114
Joined: 2/20/2005
Status: offline

i generally tend to gravitate towards men in general who lie and treat me badly.(end self loathing moment)

Ok now that thats out...
Now to seriously answer the OP's question.-Just be yourself.In the end that's what most women want well us decent ones anyway.We want someone who is genuine.If youre truly not sadistic then don't try to be.
Good luck

< Message edited by dechala -- 7/17/2005 9:06:06 AM >

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dechala

"As soon we find a motel i'm gonna put my little honeybunny bride on the bed and tie her up.."
Natural Born Killers

(in reply to whippyhotty)

Post #: 9

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/17/2005 10:25:52 PM

unholyruler

Posts: 7
Joined: 6/11/2005
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The problems with 'being yourself' is it implies one common thread in my psyche. I am more complex than that. I have two sides to me... which appeal to two different sides of a sub.. I hope anyway..

My question is, what tends to work better.. The sadistic/Dom side or the complete romantic? For me, both sides are equally compelling but I'm not sure which side subs tend to gravitate towards. The responses I get are that subs I've been with love me for the soft side and care for me as such.. but I get the sense they lust after the harsh side.

I'm leaning towards the dark side for starting. subs tend to want the badass or the one they can't have...

_____________________________

Has someone taken your faith
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must, confess

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 10

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/17/2005 10:46:04 PM

CitizenWolf

Posts: 44
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline

You're experiencing a common problem with guys of all ages and one I've fought for a long time as well. You can't be a total a-hole and you can't be a total pushover romantic either. You have to find a common middle to exist in. There's this belief that women "love bad boys" which is totally true. But "bad boys" aren't complete a-holes. In many cases they know just how to impliment the romantic "nice guy" side just as much as the tough "bad boy" side to keep a female guessing.

Now if you're trying to be the "nice guy" romantic in every day relationships then turn into a "sadistic bad boy" at night many women will take that as a sign of faking it. You're really trying to Jekyll and Hyde yourself and it doesn't really work well. Would you put up with a woman who was super sweet and loving then turned into a complete psycho bitch when she felt like it? Probably not, and most women won't deal with that either.

The concept of being yourself doesn't imply one common thread in your psyche, it means presenting all sides of your psyche to be a whole individual.

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 11

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/17/2005 11:00:51 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

first off, It's good to have standards. What are your standards in what you want in a sub?

As for yourself, I do understand your side. I have a baby face, a nice attitude, and a friendly demenor that's good for being brought home to meet the parents. I don't grow good facial hair and my skin is to fair to tan causeing the dangerours biker look to be kinda silly on me. Hats look very goofy on me as well. If I wear all black, my face will just shine out like a red light bulb.

The best looks for me are 1. The casual relaxed look with shorts and a T shirt, and 2. The professional look being in Slacks and atleast a Polo Shirt if not button ups and a tie. Either way, I still can't loose the baby face and rosie cheeks.

So what do I do, I always look personality number one, and act personality number two. After all, it fully completes me and has allowed me to find a sub that I truely love. I wear a wide and thick leather belt with all my blue jean shorts, pants, and slacks always keeping it avalible for use.

So it's not about changing. It's about letting every sub/massochist know that you are nice but also a man that's stern when needed. In your case, I suggest that you be more confident and continue to chat with subs before meeting them. That way, they will have an idea of how you think before seeing your innocent looks and just judge you as a vanilla.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 12

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/18/2005 6:31:07 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

it really doesn't have so much to do with the lifestyle and more to do with people. " The grass is always greener..." Just hang tight,you'll find your sub.

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 13

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/18/2005 6:57:50 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I want to have the money and lifestyle of Paris Hilton and Paris Hilton while im there but it does not mean I will get it. Everyone wants something they dont have.

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 14

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/18/2005 7:14:28 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

Many people in D/s have a straightline continuum model of power and love.

A lot of us think that love and domination form a single continuum, so you need to choose an end to hew towards – will you be “loving” (and therefore light on the Domination) or a heavy Dom with no place for love? The model is linear, and you can choose to be completely loving and weak, completely powerful and unloving, or compromise and be a little of both.

I think this is a faulty model because it in no way recognizes that authority, discipline, force – the hard-ass part of D/s - is completely separate from our ability to love and nurture.

A different model is one of two seperate universes or continua - one for power and one one for love (some people prefer to think of a Venn diagram). On the love spectrum for example, healthy appropriate love is in the middle, with smothering love at one extreme and neglect at the other. On the power line, there is appropriate use of power in the middle, with weakness at one end and abuse at the other.

If in fact they are seperate universes, you can love/nurture and still enforce strict discipline. At that point you really can lean in close and say, with perfect sincerity, “I am going to hurt you for that, cunt” without any malice, and still nurture her with a wide-open heart.

My word for this is “integration,” I think this faulty single continuum model leads two, wrong ways – either an emasculated dom who is hesitant to exercise his authority or even sadism (not that sadism is a requisite for PE), or a dom who cuts off their own humanity, insulates themselves emotionally in order to hurt and use and command.

I think a better, more accurate model of truly separate universes, one for power and one for love, can be a step forward in integrating ourselves in D/s.

So uhr, if you are integrated as you say, if you really can be loving and exercise power and be true to yourself, then your question of "which works better," is the wrong question. Hiding part of you, pretending that the single line continuum is where you are at would be dishonest and no doubt a disaster. The problem isn't "which part of myself should I show and which part should I hide?" The problem is finding a submissive wise enough to appreciate the wonderful gift of self-integration you bring to the table.

I've been in your shoes. I will never forget the pretty young girl who was completely mine while I brutally beat her - and who was disgusted with me and contemtpuous when I kissed her and held her on our second meeting. I never saw or spoke to her again.

I went through a questioning period as you are, asking myself if maybe I should hide the part of me that is capable of eros. It was a huge mistake that led to a lot of wasted time.

I will tell you that when I gave in, and just accepted that I am who I am (props to Coach's Fox and Tice), and saw that my integration was a good thing, it changed how I came across, who I attracted - the issue went away. I think there are a ton of women for whom someone like you would be a dream come true: someone who can truly dominate and hurt them, and truly love them.

I think that is what a lot of folks here are trying to say with "Be yourself."

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 15

RE: Do subs always want what they can't have? - 7/18/2005 12:25:48 PM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

I don't know about others . . . . . but I only want what I "can" have. Makes my life so much easier.

Give it time. You really didn't expect to find someone over night did you? It takes time, hard work and most of all patience. But in the end it will be worth it.

Good luck!

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Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to unholyruler)

Post #: 16

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