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When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 3:26:12 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		I've just started dating someone who is new to BDSM. Very new. He contacted me because he's interested in exploring dominance. No previous experience.

In many ways I think the reaction a man has to a woman in a collar really separates the doms from the guys who may just like the idea of a little unusual sexual adventure. The other night he asked about what toys I might own and so I modelled my leather cuffs and collar with leash for him on the cam, since I was at home.

It had guite a positive effect and he's been mentioning them ever since. LOL

I know the most important thing for me to keep in mind now is to let him take this at his own pace. And probably the best thing I can do for him is to just let him explore...But I would sure love to hear what the male dominants here have to say about their first experiences and perhaps how they wished their first subs had treated things.

Even if this relationship doesn't progress past friendship, I'd like to help him on his journey into BDSM. (This will be an offline relationship as he is local.)

Thanks, Cin



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Cin

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My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 3:53:26 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well his just going to have to start reading materail and decide for himself if he's a controlling type of person and has assertive tendencies. Kink or not, everyone has a side to them that deals with being in charge or following. So he's going to have to do with what feels natural first and move on from there in dominating you and being kinky.

As far as you helping him, you can say things as "I like it when your aggressive" , "yeah that feels good when you control me like that" "can you do that again to me". Such sayings will encourage his aggressive side and build his confidence of being in charge. Always present new ideas and allow him to search for a few himself.

That about wraps it up.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 4:08:56 PM   
CitizenWolf


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline 		Does he "think it's cool" or did he come to a realization? Technially I'm "new" to this site and this lifestyle, but it's because my friend made me aware of this stuff and told me "you fit this profile well". So I've always been a dominant guy, just never actively pursued females you are looking for that type of man. If he thinks it's neat and wants to try it out then go easy on him, but if he's like me just dive right in cuz he'll pick it right up.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 4:12:17 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks for the feedback.

He expressed interest in going to a bondage workshop when we first met, and I think the fact that it was his idea is a good sign...and a good place to start.

Would you care to share any of your first forays/experiences?

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 4:15:42 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenWolf

Does he "think it's cool" or did he come to a realization? Technially I'm "new" to this site and this lifestyle, but it's because my friend made me aware of this stuff and told me "you fit this profile well". So I've always been a dominant guy, just never actively pursued females you are looking for that type of man. If he thinks it's neat and wants to try it out then go easy on him, but if he's like me just dive right in cuz he'll pick it right up.


He doesn't seem to be coming from the "cool/this is trendy" mindset. He seems to be genuinely interested in being the one in control in a relationship.

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 4:34:10 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		The problem here is that one eiher "is" or is not.
YOU cannot change who they are nor should you try.
For the purpose of discussion let us "assume" that they are indeed a "DOM" or even a"Daddydom"
and not a "wannabe" or a horney vanilla person.

( definition.. a "DOM" is one who demands respect and control, they are alpha personalitys. Most do quite well in the economic field and are often "leaders of men".) They also are often 'physically imposing.
A "Daddydom" is more of a 'giver' They look like anyone else, They work at a "cubicle" job perhaps, Most are "middle class".
They do not flont who or what they are, They are nurturing and giving of nature but will never be "controled" and altho they may not say something "LOUD" they mean it and will back it up. They enjoy cuddles and closeness. They use what they are given and offered. They will cry at a movie and not care who sees it.)

For his "first" experiance, Since YOU are more experianced you will have to "top from the bottom" and that may REALLY rub him the wrong way. You need to suggest something but not appear that you have suggested it.
You both need to go to local "events" and partys to watch and meet others. To go home talking about what happened with others openly and completely. To just hand him a single tail and say "do me" is VERY VERY dangerous.
Take things one step at a time and only when you BOTH are comfortable doing it.
Unfortunately a "sub" can be trained by a "Dom". There is no "school" for "DOMS" ok there are a few but are any of them really worth it.. Who is to say. If he is more into "old school" Then yes there are some very spendy places HE can learn.

Everyone in the "bdsm" realm is different and has different opinions on what is and is not "right" for them.
You run the risk of showing them more then they are comfortable with. You run the risk in finding that YOU are not what "THEY" are seeking. Communication is Incrediably important. Honesty and openness is close behind.



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Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/20/2005 7:58:00 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Recalling early experiences with more experienced partners, there was some apprehension about doing "it" right. That went away as we were comfortable with each other and had fun.

Something else that he is probably when to go from, as you say, being "genuinely interested in being the one in control in a relationship" and actually taking control. You could encourage this by asking if he wants to practice what he learned in the bondage workshop.

So those are just a couple of ideas I got from your posts.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/21/2005 6:59:16 PM   
DK


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		My first introductions to D/s and S/m were on different years and with different women.

My first formal exposure with S/m occurred when a female friend of mine told me about some of her S/m related interests. Instead of being repulsed or turned off by her stories of S/m play I was intrigued to know more. Of course, I eagerly wanted to Top her, but had only really explored Kinky Sex and not really any S'm play. Her response was that she couldn't see me as anything more than a Friend, so we never explored anything beyond our talks.

My first formal exposure to a D/s relationship was in a LDR. The woman had various expectations of what a Dominant was supposed to be and kept reminding me of this fact. I never felt comfortable about the D/s because frankly I was never able to lead without her trying to manipulate me into doing something she considered representative of a Dominant. I learned from that disaster that unless I had a strong idea of myself and what I wanted to contribute, I was going to never go anywhere in a D/s relationship. It wasn't until many years later that I understood the D/s games that were going on and how I would have handled them much differently in retrospect.

Some people are natural Dominants or submissives, so I don't see why someone can't formalize that dynamic at any point in their lives. Just remind him to be himself and not try to emulate someone else's definition of a Dominant or a Top.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/21/2005 8:30:18 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		Good input, and good food for thought. Thanks.

He gave me a task the other night, which guite - pleasantly - surprised me, and today he checked in to see if the task had been accomplished...Positive signs!!

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/22/2005 8:39:56 AM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		I have run the gambit of sub to Mistress to switch and now I know where I belong, sub/switch...I am more submissive but like to Top and/or Dominate some too.
I have met a newbie Dominant and he sought me out. He lives about 90 min. from me but we chat almost everyday. He has asked me to be his friend and mentor. I most happily agreed. We talk about different things, if I don't know an answer, I go find out. He is naturally dominant. He is taking it very slowly. He has stated serveral times that he doesn't want a bad reputation so he wants to take the right road and go slow..I have had him read, and ask questions. Due to family obligations <kids>, we have only gotten together once. We were suppose to go to a demo and party this weekend but that family obligation came up suddenly..If you reading something else, you are mistaken...I know what is going on in his family as he is newly divorced.
He is not My Sir but just a friend I am guiding along the way..

Respectfully,
sultry

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/22/2005 12:05:02 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryvoice

He is taking it very slowly. He has stated serveral times that he doesn't want a bad reputation so he wants to take the right road and go slow..I have had him read, and ask questions.


My friend is very concerned about this too, and as hard as it may be I intend to let him go as slow as he wishes.

I also noticed a lot of males interested in dominance are very concerned about needing to be mean and nasty and that there is an expectation that they be cruel, when they are very much nice men with nurturing hearts...It takes a lot of time and education for them to get over this, I think.

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/23/2005 9:37:52 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

I also noticed a lot of males interested in dominance are very concerned about needing to be mean and nasty and that there is an expectation that they be cruel, when they are very much nice men with nurturing hearts

heh. It always amuses me that a guy can believe he is dominant yet feel the need to conform (or submit) to somebody else's stereotype of what a dominant should be.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 7/23/2005 9:40:07 AM >

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/23/2005 11:32:29 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		I have no R/L experience as yet for various reasons. I just wanted to say I think that your approach is a good one. And I think I'd consider Myself pretty lucky if I met someone who is as understanding of his situation as you. Also,doing what Fangsnfeet suggested would be helpful too, so he knows what direction to go in and not get carried away as he might do if he makes it up as he goes along. If ya' see what I mean?.


HalloweenWhite.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/24/2005 3:09:22 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Supporting him and giving him positive feedback about his displays of dominance is a great idea. Also have a talk with him and ask him if he'd like you to at times give him ideas of what to do with you. Explain that you're not really comfortable with doing this, as it is known as topping from below, but that you feel his desire to learn is more important than your comfort. Make sure you do not do this in session where it challenges his authority. Since the ideas are coming from you, he'll feel better about pulling your hair, calling you names or whatever. As he gets more confidence in the fact that he is allowed to indulge his desires, he'll quit needing this type of support and should take off on his own. You also might want to get him a book or two and bring him to read the forums.

The events and such are a great idea. People often learn by example. Good luck and I wish you both a wonderful journey.

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/24/2005 3:56:21 AM   
Valhalla69


Posts: 34
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		As a new Dom of a couple of months,i spent the first 2 months online and in the last 2-3 weeks i have ventured into the real world,and until last in fact i(as you will see if you read my updated profile and journal entry) i thought it was about what i could do To a sub.

It took me until last night to realise my mistake and i think i needed to see a real couple in the lifestyle up close to see exactly what its all about.

I think initialy when you come from the vanilla lifestyle to this lifestyle and you find very open minded women it is a very sexual thrill and as long as it doesnt just stay like that and you are really into it you will be fine.

As i said earlier it has taken me a while to finally "get it" but at last i understand the meaning behind the lifestyle and now i can move on and i know whatever i do i will be doing it with the right frame of mind and for the right reasons.

I hope this has helped.

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/24/2005 5:34:51 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

I have no R/L experience as yet for various reasons. I just wanted to say I think that your approach is a good one. And I think I'd consider Myself pretty lucky if I met someone who is as understanding of his situation as you.


Thank you. I'll remember these kind words when things get a little frustrating...as they are bound to do, occasionally.

Cin


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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/24/2005 5:41:47 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

Make sure you do not do this in session where it challenges his authority.


Very good point...The temptation with my ex when we began was always to 'give him clues' when we were in the moment...When there's a hand on the back of my neck, it's tempting to say "Now, pull my hair!' LOL

quote:


As he gets more confidence in the fact that he is allowed to indulge his desires, he'll quit needing this type of support and should take off on his own.


Yes, I hope so. Thanks for the support.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/24/2005 5:48:36 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Valhalla69
As i said earlier it has taken me a while to finally "get it" but at last i understand the meaning behind the lifestyle and now i can move on and i know whatever i do i will be doing it with the right frame of mind and for the right reasons.

I hope this has helped.


This has led me to a interesting thought: Perhaps he'd benefit from knowing what dominance does for a sub, how nurturing it can really be.

Thanks for the thought, and I enjoyed reading your journal entries in your profile. You write well. Please keep writing...very insightful for us subs. Ever considered having an online journal or blog on this topic?

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/25/2005 3:45:48 AM   
Valhalla69


Posts: 34
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		Hi cin,another thing i have started trying to do recently is experience anything i might do as a Dom to a sub,for example saturday at a dungeon i tried a couple of needles,one put in me by the man doing it and one by myself.

I did this for 2 reasons 1 i figured if i have done it i know what its like when i do it someone else and 2 to face my fears as i hate needles.

As far as your Dom goes,what you could do is both write down 5 things you really like or would like to try and give them to eachother and go away for a while and read them.that way you know more and you can add things that really turn you on.

Also its hard to get shy or embarressed if your not there when they read your list.once you have read the list and its out in the open you will have to disscuss them and that way you will find that people will be more honest with a list then speaking it out loud as they may fear what you might say if its something they think you might not like.

Or you could put all the ones you both agree on in a hat and pull them out one at a time whenever your in the mood,that way you get to try new things and you dont know what till you read it :)

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RE: When a Dom is new... - 7/25/2005 4:06:10 PM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful


quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

I have no R/L experience as yet for various reasons. I just wanted to say I think that your approach is a good one. And I think I'd consider Myself pretty lucky if I met someone who is as understanding of his situation as you.


Thank you. I'll remember these kind words when things get a little frustrating...as they are bound to do, occasionally.

Cin




Yes,absolutely!. He's -very- lucky. You should be pretty pleased with yourself for your concern and commitment to this Dominant.

HalloweenWhite.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 20
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