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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family?


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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/26/2005 6:28:36 AM   
AustinBrat


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I dont think any of them were being honest with eachother or themselves, and it has now become disasterous. I guess i was just too late to help.

(in reply to MadameG)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/26/2005 6:48:33 AM   
suberic


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Well, one thing I can add to it is that you have to learn each other.

For instance, my wife and I just added a third member to our family, a lady for both of us. But she's been here a week, and my wife has been complaining for a few days about it. But it takes time for us to learn her and her foibles and for her to learn us and ours. So a LOT of forgivness for the first few months, and I'm only talking about two, is necessessary. And like others have said, COMMUNICATION is key. They can't change if they don't know it's messed up or pissing you off.

Now, if after four months or more, when it's been explicitly stated a couple times that _____ upsets you, and they still don't change it, it's either disrespect to you, or lack of give-a-fuck on their part. Either way, it's rude. And you have to make a decision.

Is it worth the agrivation to continue to be with them, or would it be better to just get out?

(in reply to AustinBrat)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/26/2005 12:10:34 PM   
anopheles


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One thing that I think is missing from a lot of discussions about polyamory and multiple partner relationships is explicit boundaries. Yes, I know it's a romantic idea to think that a group of people can have this loving beautiful relationship with no bounds, but in truth, it doesn't happen that often. I think that every involved person should set explicit boundaries, meaning, everyone has THEIR time. Not always OUR time, because everyone needs to be just the ONE for another person even if just for a little while. If you can set these grounds, where everyone knows that they'll have their tender moment with a lover without worrying about the intrusion of another, you'd be amazed, you find that people are a lot more willing to talk and open their insides up, and get to the root of any nagging issues, because they know that they have a safe place to go.

Try it, might just do the trick ;)

(in reply to suberic)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/26/2005 12:41:43 PM   
ShiftedJewel


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quote:

ORIGINAL: anopheles

One thing that I think is missing from a lot of discussions about polyamory and multiple partner relationships is explicit boundaries. Yes, I know it's a romantic idea to think that a group of people can have this loving beautiful relationship with no bounds, but in truth, it doesn't happen that often. I think that every involved person should set explicit boundaries, meaning, everyone has THEIR time. Not always OUR time, because everyone needs to be just the ONE for another person even if just for a little while. If you can set these grounds, where everyone knows that they'll have their tender moment with a lover without worrying about the intrusion of another, you'd be amazed, you find that people are a lot more willing to talk and open their insides up, and get to the root of any nagging issues, because they know that they have a safe place to go.

Try it, might just do the trick ;)


Excellant point! It's something that a lot of people don't really think about, almost like they expect it to just happen. We are a family of two dominants... that's intimidating enough for most submissives, plus we have an amazing bond. Honestly, we could spend every moment together and never tire of each others company. It took a submissive to point that out to us. Her and I have a wonderful bond, but then again, I don't work and am able to stay at home with her daily. Scooter on the other hand, hasn't had that opportunity. We discussed it and decided that the two of them should have their own time together to be able to form a strong bond. And I fully expect to do the same thing when we find a second submissive to join us.... Everyone needs to make time to bond with each other as individuals, it's just as important as the bond as a family unit.

Jewel


_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/26/2005 8:13:03 PM   
ScooterTrash


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This is very true Jewel. As we found out..WE (that would be us, the Dominant couple) have to have our time, THEY have to have their time (that would be them, without me) and WE (the sub & I) have to have our time. It's a team effort but it's also a composite of smaller groups (or couples if that's the case) as well. The communication is needed as a team group and within the smaller groups as well, you can't hold anything back and it all has to be put out in the open. In this way you head off any bickering or misunderstanding as best as possible, you really have to as it is simply non-productive in most cases.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/29/2005 6:13:36 AM   
hardxdrive


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jeaulousy

(in reply to AustinBrat)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/29/2005 6:16:17 AM   
hardxdrive


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female subs that get along make it. females subs that dont get along break it.

(in reply to AustinBrat)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 8/1/2005 11:33:10 PM   
AustinBrat


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Wow, i didnt know posts had to await approval.

Well, about the ME time, by way of couple and group, one of the biggest problems there was here was that we paired off in two groups and then it was like one team going up against another team. It was rediculous. There are still so many secrets that the other female is keeping from everyone, yet she gets pissed when we dont tell her everything. The family has broken up now, it is just the other two, and then me alone and looking for somewhere else to go, and the other male alone and looking for somewhere else to go. It is a sad case, but she decided she wanted to divorce the other male and has chosen to stay with the male she paired up with in this venture. She has been a wretched person through all of this spreading lies about me to her friends (which i got to read in a chat between the other male who is leaving also and one of her friends tonight; boy was i infuriated!) and also making the one she is divorcing miserable and dictating to him who he can and can not see other wise she will not let him have visitation with their children. (and she is suposed to be submissive. Yeah right) If i would have known this is what she was planning, and yes i fully believe it was planned, then i would have completely avoided the situation. However, it is done, and now i just need to pick up and move on. I have learned a lot from the information given here, and if i ever feel i am ready for poly-relationships again, i will definately keep this information in mind. Thanks again, to all of you, very much! Good luck in all of Y/your ventures, and i hope that they all go a whole hell of a lot better than mine have.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 8/29/2005 3:23:11 PM   
zaynab


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I wonder why the Doms didn't have their household family heiracrchy (sp?) more detailed with structure? If they would have taken the time and effort to do that, they could have saved a lot of time, frustration, anger, and chaos.

If they did do that... good, but each person who is in a poly family has to be mature, patient, open-minded, nonjudgemental, sensitive to the feelings and issues of the others, etc. for it to be a success. That's what I think.

(in reply to AustinBrat)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 9/2/2005 10:15:07 AM   
Handfull


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what makes or breaks a poly relationship?

communication
Direction
Leadership

I have watched this thread and still have no idea were the Dominant is in this relationship, is like 4 submissives trying to find a direction and no one there to point the way. Whom ever the Dominant is, He has taken way more then He can handle and it would be best for all to step back, seperate and find other options disolving the relationship.

everyone has just so much abillity, if it is taxed for a short time, then it can usually be handled, but it looks like from a perminant point of view, this is far to much for the existing Dominant to handle as to directing His submissives.

Just My opinion

Master Handfull

(in reply to shydesiresMaster)
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RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 9/2/2005 11:44:55 AM   
LadiesBladewing


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I tried to decide which parts of the quote to trim, and decided to leave it intact. The household that the author writes about had so many things going against it as a polyfideletous arrangement that it boggles the mind.

Being room-mates does not make a poly family. A poly family has a purpose. It is a living entity, in and of itself. It exists and is nourished by its parts, and without even one of its parts, it would be a completely different entity, because all of what it has become is shaped by every one of the people who are a part of it.

This is why things like honesty, common purpose, affection, unity, communication, and genuine respect for one another's unique qualities and contributions is so crucial. In order to be a "family", you must truly desire to be a union with one another. In the same way that a monogamous relationship where one party is always trying to get something over on the other party, and where both parties are constantly sniping away at the other's weaknesses is an unhealthy and unhappy situation, so it is the same, and on a larger scale, for the polyfideletous family.

Sharing a house is -not- the same as sharing a life, and a poly "family" shares a life, no matter where they live. I've been in the same poly collective for over a decade. We've dealt wth the deaths of some of our family, had some of our family have to live apart from us because of work, had others of our family have to move because of commitments, and had some who decided that they needed some time away to grow. At the same time, -all- of these people are still our family. Just like my father, who lives in NY, is still family, though I live on the other end of the continent, so those of us who have to live apart from us, but who are committed to us and to whom we are committed are still family.

On the other hand, we have had people who came and chose to try to divide us--stepped between us and tried to drive wedges, create anger and hostility, and further their own purposes within our household. Even for those who lived with us, it was rapidly apparent that they weren't "family". Watching them leave did not bother us, nor did their attempts to destroy us cause us any heartache among our own family members--in fact, the attempts to drive us apart actually brought us closer, as we closed ranks against the attempts to damage what we had created.

The author asks what makes and breaks a poly family--the same things that make and break a monogamous family or any other family. If the members are dedicated to one another and to the goal of the family, at least to the same extent that they are dedicated to serving their own goals--and if those goals are intertwined where each of us has a part in one another's success, so will the relationship be successful, whether the family is 4 people or 40. If, however, the individuals find themselves to be more important than the group, and are willing to sacrifice the union for the sake of their own egos and desires, chances are pretty doggone good that the union will fail.

I wish you well, and wish you family, in its truest, purest sense, whether it be poly or monogamous.

Lady Zephyr
quote:

ORIGINAL: AustinBrat

Wow, i didnt know posts had to await approval.

Well, about the ME time, by way of couple and group, one of the biggest problems there was here was that we paired off in two groups and then it was like one team going up against another team. It was rediculous. There are still so many secrets that the other female is keeping from everyone, yet she gets pissed when we dont tell her everything. The family has broken up now, it is just the other two, and then me alone and looking for somewhere else to go, and the other male alone and looking for somewhere else to go. It is a sad case, but she decided she wanted to divorce the other male and has chosen to stay with the male she paired up with in this venture. She has been a wretched person through all of this spreading lies about me to her friends (which i got to read in a chat between the other male who is leaving also and one of her friends tonight; boy was i infuriated!) and also making the one she is divorcing miserable and dictating to him who he can and can not see other wise she will not let him have visitation with their children. (and she is suposed to be submissive. Yeah right) If i would have known this is what she was planning, and yes i fully believe it was planned, then i would have completely avoided the situation. However, it is done, and now i just need to pick up and move on. I have learned a lot from the information given here, and if i ever feel i am ready for poly-relationships again, i will definately keep this information in mind. Thanks again, to all of you, very much! Good luck in all of Y/your ventures, and i hope that they all go a whole hell of a lot better than mine have.



< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 9/2/2005 11:47:25 AM >

(in reply to AustinBrat)
Profile   Post #: 31
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