What makes and breaks a polyamorous family?

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What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:08:15 PM

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I have just recently entered into a polyfamily made up of more than one dominant male and more than one submissive female. There have been things going on in the few weeks i have been involved that give me the impression that this will never work and i may have made a bad decision. I am wondering what are some things that are absolutely necessary to make a poly-family work, and what are some things that are sure show stoppers? I am new, so i dont know if i am just not giving this enough time to work out, or if i should listen to my intuition and duck out before it is too late to be that simple.

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:38:43 PM

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Honesty makes it and dishonesty breaks it.

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:43:38 PM

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A rational perspective on how much attention and time there actually is.

Grace when you don't get as much as you wish. And the idea that you are on a team-not a bunch of individuals in it just for themselves.

If it's all about you-it's never all about US.

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:43:41 PM

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I have already noticed a HUGE lack of communication, and between the four of us, there has been some sort of separation between the couples. There is tention and things are being kept from others and i hear each group talk about the other group in a less than friendly way. It is like we are in highschool and the popular group is talking trash about the not so popular group. It is anoying and disturbing and it isnt going to work if things continue like this (or that is my impression). Sometimes i feel like i am too new to this to really have an opinion on what will make it work or not, so that is why i brought my question of what makes or breaks the poly family up. In addition to any suggestions on what may break up the family, would it be alright to ask for some possible ways to avoid these situations, or possibly mend them if they do happen to sneak up on us? I feel that we need to be mended or we are going to fall apart.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:47:35 PM

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Look,you guys need to quit pussy footing about and put your beefs on the table.

Backstabbing and bickering solve nothing. Either thrash it out with some bravery,or call it quits.

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 12:53:15 PM

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That is exactly my opinion Sir, i totally agree. I have tried to get us all to sit down and speak to one another, but every time we have (which has only been a couple of times) it turns into this huge emotional outburst between two or all three of the other members and they eventually separate leaving me alone, or with the other person who didnt lose it, and i feel that i am here trying to hold it all together so we can get through a conversation. What would you suggest i do in order to get everyone together and talking so we can get some of these things settled? I want nothing as much as i want for this to work

(in reply to Gemeni)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 1:19:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AustinBrat

That is exactly my opinion Sir, i totally agree. I have tried to get us all to sit down and speak to one another, but every time we have (which has only been a couple of times) it turns into this huge emotional outburst between two or all three of the other members and they eventually separate leaving me alone, or with the other person who didnt lose it, and i feel that i am here trying to hold it all together so we can get through a conversation. What would you suggest i do in order to get everyone together and talking so we can get some of these things settled? I want nothing as much as i want for this to work

The problem with arguing is that most people don't argue long enough to get to the real problem. When you all sit down to talk make an agreement to stay to the end no matter what... have a box of tissue handy for those that feel the need to cry... grab the biggest, toughest pillow you can find for those that feel the need to become angry so they can work out their frustrations on it (personally... I have a heavy punching bag) and sit down to talk... Communication is vital and as Lam said... honesty... big time, huge deal.. you have to have honesty.

Jewel

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(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 1:23:31 PM

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I feel that sometimes emotional outbursts are necessary if only to get everything out in the open. I agree that honest communication is the backbone of any good relationship, but I see it as mandatory in a poly relationship. Its hard to makes oneself vulnerable (particularly when it comes to feelings), but sometimes doing so allows the other party(ies) to make themself vulnerable as well and progress can be made. On the other hand, you can't *make* someone be open and honest and if they are not willing, there isn't much you can do about it.

What you describe really doesn't sound good. Little groups breaking off and keeping secrets surely doesn't foster a sense of trust and family. I wish I knew what to say that would help you, but all I can say is that I would not personally become a part of that type of family because I would have constant anxiety. Have you attempted to speak with the dominants in the group and gain their perspective on it?

best regards,
fate

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 1:34:26 PM

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Yes Ma'am, One understands and sees that we need desperately to sit and talk and get everything out on the table. i have been suggesting it for days, yet when i do have a chance to speak with the Other, who i am not very comfortable speaking with since he is not around often, chalks it up to new surroundings, new family members, and that everything will work itself out. We just need to be patient. I think that is just an excuse. I know the need to communicate is there because i am forever wondering what is going on. Everything is new to me, so i am of the impression that things should be worked out with all of us present and plans shared and agreed upon especially now because they are in the process of adding a new family member. I am here on a trial basis right now deciding weather or not i will commit to this. I want to very badly, i see the wonder and joy that can be shared and the total happiness that can be experienced in a poly situation. I am just at a loss since i dont really know how to help because of lack of experience.

(in reply to stormsfate)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 2:22:27 PM

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Manipulation
Judging

just my .02 on how to end a relationship of any kind....

~smilezz~

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(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 3:22:03 PM

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The quick and honest answer is "The same things that break up any kind of relationship"

But the most common culprits are:
Lack of communication
Lack of clear expectations
Lack of experience
Lack of honest motivation

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 7:18:50 PM

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I won't try to be overly dramatic here....I won't even try to be overly esoteric....not even going to give advise...just an outsider looking in to another form of poly relationship....I see two male roosters fighting yet not quite wanting to fight hard enough to draw blood over the hens they want to posture ownership over....the true "A" male will eventually rise to covet the spoils but what's the damage done in the process...

(in reply to AustinBrat)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 7:53:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury

I see two male roosters fighting yet not quite wanting to fight hard enough to draw blood over the hens they want to posture ownership over....the true "A" male will eventually rise to covet the spoils but what's the damage done in the process...

WOW

thats COCKY......**giggles** and runs......

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"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 7:56:49 PM

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I almost fell outta my chair...you got my metaphore....is it a long day or have I forgotten how to spell....

(in reply to teapaw)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 8:32:38 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury

I see two male roosters fighting yet not quite wanting to fight hard enough to draw blood over the hens they want to posture ownership over....the true "A" male will eventually rise to covet the spoils but what's the damage done in the process...

WOW thats COCKY......**giggles** and runs......

laughing hysterically! Now I have to go clean off my monitor before Master gets home and wants to check his mail....bwwwahaaaha.

f

(in reply to teapaw)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 9:48:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stormsfate

laughing hysterically! Now I have to go clean off my monitor before Master gets home and wants to check his mail....bwwwahaaaha.
f

**hands towel***

pamela

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"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to stormsfate)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 9:50:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury

I almost fell outta my chair...you got my metaphore....is it a long day or have I forgotten how to spell....

long day.....
(is this the sleeping smiley thing..it looks more like a mummy)

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/22/2005 10:50:11 PM

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Thank you all for your responses. I really apreciate it, and they have all given me more things to think about and the ability to view this in different perspectives. I am sure that whatever happens, will happen for the best. Nothing happens without a reason, and i will take my lessons here and utilize them in my next adventure. I hope Fate smiles upon all of you. Thanks again.

(in reply to teapaw)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/23/2005 1:08:47 AM

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Add communication to this and you got it! All must be open and honest not only with each other but themselves.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: What makes and breaks a polyamorous family? - 7/24/2005 2:07:00 PM

shydesiresMaster

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Lack of communication
Lack of clear expectations
Lack of willingness to bend, to have a proper attitude.
Lack of honest motivation
Lack of respect for common goals.
Lack of perspective and respect for each individual
Jealousy
Manipulation
Judging
Backstabbing and bickering
Loosing site of the whole and focusing on self.

Seems to Me AustinBrat, that the main Dominant has given up or lost control, from what you have said already. My observation.

(in reply to MadameG)

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