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RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/4/2005 2:45:33 PM

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Try to remember that there are people out there who give polyamory a user name. Many DO use it as an excuse to play and have casual sex with a rotation of partners.

So right away, you have that to overcome. My best advice would be to rewrite the profile to reflect that you actually DESIRE some stability in your relationships.

The last thing that most girls desire is to develop an attachment to someone ,only to find out a few weeks later that they are old meat now-and headed for the dumpster.

Which is WHY most run from the word polyamory- and from those they imagine would be sociopathic enough to pull that callous usury on somebody.

< Message edited by Fidelity -- 8/4/2005 2:51:09 PM >

(in reply to blackwolf99)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/4/2005 4:12:43 PM

PiercngGreenEyes

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Joined: 6/28/2005
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I have that very same problem. Im a poly Mistress and the min they hear that they are gone.
its not to bad when the subs are men, but i am bi and a female sub doesnt seem to want poly.

(in reply to blackwolf99)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/4/2005 5:32:47 PM

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when this first came to post I thought there'd be a bilzillion responses...well I've waited long enough to jump into the fray as it seems it's mostly the same people on the poly threads...those into this part of the lifestyle know what it means to them..those not in it don't...a struggle to understand comes about with as all things..the way you percieve the relationship will work for you...everyones different and the treatment of all may or may not dependent on who's wanting what...open or closed it's for the ones needing whatever...no need to wonder...I'm in a closed relationship...there's no need to go outside my family as it's just as I WANT IT to be...the crayon that colors this lifestyle is quite a wonderious one...it changes hue and the color is not the same from every angle...

Fury

(in reply to blackwolf99)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/5/2005 9:17:38 AM

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We are in a poly relatiopnship, and have been, off and on, for over 6 years now. We have all lived together for the past year, and things are going extremely well. I am not claiming to know a lot here - but it seems that most Masters and Mistresses are looking for extra subbies and slaves. Our situation is completely different, in that I have two Masters. I am their only subbie.

Luckily for me, their commands don't often disagree, but there are the times when I ask if I may stand up and one says yes and ther other says no - who to listen to? This usually makes us all laugh, though, and I compromise by getting up off my hands but remaining on my knees until they decide between themselves what is next for me. We have our times as well where there are 2 of us rather than 3, and it works just as well.

Poly is just one of those weird things that, when you think you have a grip on it, the whole picture changes.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/5/2005 11:16:47 PM

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Joined: 11/26/2004
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Maybe some submissives/slaves feel that the vague concept of something called "poly" just doesnt address their needs. I often consider how it must be to decipher the "dom within the subs head" simply because of expectations. People can hold expectations so highly, that it can actually make " the ideal" a narrow peripheral of what could be.

Maybe its just the past experiences..
also predisposition..
also luck...sometimes its just the karma

Look at it this way ; you could be spending your time with someone who doesn't know what they want.. I think that would suck more.

dL

(in reply to CountV)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/6/2005 3:04:11 PM

nella

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From: Norway
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Often when girl get together in a situation like that, there will be competition, am i as pretty, fun to be whit and so and so as her, do he care as mutch aboute me as her, and so on, and i can imagine that would be the fears of many pepole that are thinking aboute poly.

(in reply to doubleLeo)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 5:03:06 PM

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I want a Dom who wants only one sub. Why do Doms seem to think just because this is not a vanilla relationship they can have their cake and eat it? Whats wrong with being a normal one on one couple or do all men have to hide under the cloak of bdsm, as in the vanilla world how many women would put up with this poly crap. I never have and never will. Is it selfish to want my man all to myself? Or are all men more interested in adding notches to the bed post.

Ps, This was meant to be in reply to the thread starter and not pineapple sub!!!

< Message edited by Ilsekoch -- 8/8/2005 5:06:29 PM >

(in reply to pineapplesub)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 5:23:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilsekoch

I want a Dom who wants only one sub. Why do Doms seem to think just because this is not a vanilla relationship they can have their cake and eat it? Whats wrong with being a normal one on one couple or do all men have to hide under the cloak of bdsm, as in the vanilla world how many women would put up with this poly crap. I never have and never will. Is it selfish to want my man all to myself? Or are all men more interested in adding notches to the bed post.

Ps, This was meant to be in reply to the thread starter and not pineapple sub!!!

There's that word 'normal' again. Why is a non-hetero-non-monogamous relationship NOT 'normal'? I beg to differ with the labeling of Poly as crap. I'm not a man and I'm not a dominant and I have Poly wiring. Poly is not the same as swinging. Nor is it the same as having an open relationship. And nothing is wrong with any of them, they're different and work equally well for different people.

What makes me Polyamorous? I'm not interested in casual intimate relationships, as it's almost an oxymoron to call anything remotely intimate 'casual'. I believe that I can love more than one person. LOVE being the key word. I could fuck just anybody, but I don't want to. I could play with just anyone but I don't want to. I prefer to have a deeper, committed relationship with the people I'm intimate with. If there is one more person in this world who truly loves me and has my best interest at heart, better for me. I know I'm capable of offering that same love, caring and consideration in return. It's not easy to get 2 people on that same page, let alone 3 or 4. But if you can......there are no words.

While you may not be poly wired - there are many people who aren't - please don't automatically relegate Poly to the realm of misogyny, adultery and deceit. You can want a man all to yourself, as it's your right. Just make sure you find the one who wants to be that - just yours.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 6:14:54 PM

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Why are poly relationships more acceptable in bdsm? I know no vanilla or NORMAL people who would put up with this. It seems men are quite happy to find gullable females to add to their little harem and then we can all play at being happy. What happens when one person gets more attatched to another or one gets more attention than the other.? Please do not tell me jealousy does not occur as it is human nature. I can love more than one person but I would not want to share my bed with more than one person. I can fuck anyone but choose not to. I will gift my submission to ONE man as I feel that makes it worth more than if I gave out my favours to the whole household. I respect your views, I just do not agree with them.

(in reply to luvdragonx)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 6:39:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilsekoch

Why are poly relationships more acceptable in bdsm? I know no vanilla or NORMAL people who would put up with this. It seems men are quite happy to find gullable females to add to their little harem and then we can all play at being happy. What happens when one person gets more attatched to another or one gets more attention than the other.? Please do not tell me jealousy does not occur as it is human nature. I can love more than one person but I would not want to share my bed with more than one person. I can fuck anyone but choose not to. I will gift my submission to ONE man as I feel that makes it worth more than if I gave out my favours to the whole household. I respect your views, I just do not agree with them.

Poly relationships are more acceptable in BDSM most likely because being a part of this culture REQUIRES acceptance to some degree. I'm guessing you associate with like-minded people, so it's a small wonder that you don't know anyone who sees poly as acceptable. If you really wanted to know how many Vanilla people consider themselves polyamorous, do a web search. There are countless message boards, online communities, dating sites and yahoo groups dedicated to poly - exclusive of BDSM. My only polyamorous relationship was with another MAN, not a woman. It's not about men having a harem, though many misuse the term for just that. What happens when people get attached or jealous? The same thing that happens in a mono relationship when someone else is introduced, be it a family member, child, or friend. You deal with it or fail. If all people involved are interested in keeping the relationship healthy and intact, they work it out the same way a couple would. If you really want to know others opinions and experiences within the realm of Poly, go through the threads in this forum and see. My view is most definitely not the only one.

For the record, this is not an attempt to convert you or anyone to believing in the Poly way, but when you say the things you say, in a Polyamorous forum, you lump all of us into a group that you consider abnormal and inferior to the way vanilla folks do it. By virtue of being part of the BDSM world, you too aren't 'normal' by vanilla standards.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/8/2005 7:33:04 PM >

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Never Without Love

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 6:49:59 PM

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Adding more than one person to the mix just makes things more complicated for when things do go wrong. I have men who get in touch who want play partners. If they bothered to read my profile they would see I do not want to play with numerous partners. You have the advantage here as in the uk it is well past my bed time. To all of those who love more than one, goodnight!

(in reply to luvdragonx)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/8/2005 7:14:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilsekoch

I want a Dom who wants only one sub. Why do Doms seem to think just because this is not a vanilla relationship they can have their cake and eat it? Whats wrong with being a normal one on one couple or do all men have to hide under the cloak of bdsm, as in the vanilla world how many women would put up with this poly crap. I never have and never will. Is it selfish to want my man all to myself? Or are all men more interested in adding notches to the bed post.

Then by all means, that is the type of relationship you should pursue. I'm just curious why you would assume that it is only the dominant/male who desires a poly relationship? Hmmm, perhaps you have missed that there are also M/M/f poly relationships as well, along with dynamics other than M/f/f? In the vanilla world, poly is, in my experience, more prevalent than it is within the bdsm community and there seems to be more poly women than men...lol. There are TONS of vanilla poly groups all across the country.

As to your other comments, its pretty clear that they come from a knee jerk reaction. Its kind of obvious that you haven't bothered to educate yourself about the lifestyle you are bashing.

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 3:03:13 AM

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I am well aware that a poly relationship can be with a male or female dom thank you. As to the lifestyle I bash to me it is wrong full stop. The first post was why do subs run when the hear the word poly. I am not here to bash your lifestyle but explain why I run when I hear that word. As I have done so I shall refrain from posting on this topic again.

< Message edited by Ilsekoch -- 8/9/2005 4:47:25 AM >

(in reply to stormsfate)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 4:56:06 AM

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quote:

Why are poly relationships more acceptable in bdsm? I know no vanilla or NORMAL people who would put up with this. It seems men are quite happy to find gullable females to add to their little harem and then we can all play at being happy. What happens when one person gets more attatched to another or one gets more attention than the other.? Please do not tell me jealousy does not occur as it is human nature.

Why is bondage and spanking more acceptable in BDSM? And I do know a few 'nilla people that are into poly relationships and it works great for them. As far as normal goes... well.... define "normal"? I "normally" get up around 4:30 am, I "normally" watch about 4 hours of television a week at the most, I "normally" eat cereal for breakfast, although the cereal may vary week to week.... I do not set the precedent for what others do on a daily basis and neither to do you. What my neighbor would consider normal I may consider "strange" and what I would consider normal she may see as deviant. And I am FAR from gullible, our submissive is also very well educated, experienced, intelligent and strong.

As far as human nature goes.... shall we go there? The "hunter/gatherer" mindset is also human nature yet you don't see everyone out shooting their dinner nightly, grocery stores came into being and we learned to suppress that. Anger is also human nature, but with the laws and prisons being abundant, we also learned to suppress that. Lust is sincerely human nature yet we are taught to suppress that at inappropriate times. We, as a society, have learned to overcome and suppress so many traits that are "human nature" and yet I hear all to often that jealousy is part of our natural makeup and cannot be overcome and done away with.... explain that please? If it is your nature to be shy, then you can either be shy or you can get past it. If it is your nature to be pouty.. then either be pouty or get past it.... sooooooooo, if it is your nature to be jealous, then either be jealous or GET PAST IT. It is NOT something that is carved in stone, it is not part of your genetic make up, it is not a part of you like your arm or leg is... it is an emotion (albeit a harmful and useless one IMNSHO), if you don't like it.... get past it. It does NOT have to rule your life, your thinking or your way of doing things. And just because you allow it to reign over your life does not mean that everyone else does too.

quote:

I will gift my submission to ONE man as I feel that makes it worth more than if I gave out my favours to the whole household.

The "worth" of ones submission doesn't come from who or how many they give it to... The "worth" of ones submission comes from within and is mirrored in the relationship(s) that one holds dear to them. As much as EmeraldSlave and I disagree on so many points, her submission, her desire to submit, her personal "worth" holds as much value as any monogamous submissive/slaves in each and every relationship she holds dear to herself. (sorry Em.... I don't normally use examples like that, hope you don't mind)

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 8:47:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilsekoch
Why do Doms seem to think just because this is not a vanilla relationship they can have their cake and eat it?

Personally I think everyone should find the relationship that lets them have their cake AND eat it too.

quote:

Whats wrong with being a normal one on one couple or do all men have to hide under the cloak of bdsm, as in the vanilla world how many women would put up with this poly crap.

You realize you ARE posting this in a poly forum? With women who ARE poly and very fulfilled with it?

And you should know the majority of polyamorous people are vanilla.

quote:

I never have and never will. Is it selfish to want my man all to myself?

Yes it is, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, and neither is wanting more than one partner.

quote:

Or are all men more interested in adding notches to the bed post.

I hope you know the answer to that already.

However, you do eloquently put EXACTLY why so many subs run from poly, all the nags and issues they have...almost all due to bad information and too many doms who don't know what they are doing.

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 4:12:00 PM

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From: Wet Coast Canuckland
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The very first Poly relationship I was involved in, was NOT bdsm. Frankly that's the reason it didn't last for me. I (as in me personally) needed more than otherwise vanilla sex. The others in the group weren't wired that way so I left. They are all still together and have added two new people. We still chat from time to time, and I still care for them. The problems were in me, I was trying to lie to myself at the time because I was young and foolish. I thought this BDSM thing was just a fad, it wasn't. And therein lies the problem, I believe that honesty in ANY relationship is paramount, but that includes honesty to oneself.

_____________________________

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of a great many things which escape those who dream only at night" - Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 7:04:47 PM

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quote:

I am not here to bash your lifestyle but explain why I run when I hear that word.

That is not how it is coming across, it sounds as if you are dismissing a poly lifestyle as something that won't work. Perhaps this comes from your apparent lack of understanding of the entire concept. If this is a common mindset, then perhaps many subs run because they also have preconceived notions and are unaware of what is involved. This is not dis-similar to the very reason many "nilla" folks are appauled at the notion of BDSM practices at any level, they have no idea of what the subject matter they are discussing involves. It is not about harems, it is not about notches on a bedpost. Most Dom/mes or sub/slaves alike could be as slutty as they wanted if that was the goal, with a lot less work. You have to understand that a poly relationship is just that, a relationship, not some game of see how many can hop in the sack at one time. People who pass judgement without having the facts are in the dark, this is a viable dynamic and for those who do not wish to engage it in, that's fine, but they shouldn't make that decision based on assumptions.

quote:

Adding more than one person to the mix just makes things more complicated for when things do go wrong.
I disagree, it's no differerent than a corporation, it is many, with common goals versus the one (or two). In a vast majority of instances, the larger family group actually functions better than the proverbial "couple".

quote:

Why are poly relationships more acceptable in bdsm? I know no vanilla or NORMAL people who would put up with this.
And I have doubts the "nilla" community is going to accept flogging or bondage as a viable definition of normal either. It's only opinion based on what they know, just as being biased against poly is.

I have to simply consider that perhaps due to lack of knowlege of the poly dynamic is why you have your views. Maybe that is the essense of why many subs do run, perhaps they feel the same and honestly do not understand poly at all. I'm not the least concerned that some folks do not want to be in a poly relationship, that is their choice. I do however hope that their decision is based on true knowlege of what they are opposed to, not just on what they have come up with on their own to define it.

quote:

I respect your views, I just do not agree with them.
Perhaps, but it seems stronger than that.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to Ilsekoch)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/9/2005 8:13:50 PM

Mylee

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I've had quite a few polly offers, and i noticed somethng in myself, if the sub/ slave makes the first contact, i am more quickly to respond then if the Master does, why i'm not sure, i guess i kinda find it sweet that the sub is the one researching for her Master, that shows a dedication or love or what-have- you for her Master that she would want to please Him in that way..

...that said, i don't know if poly could be for me, i've found i have a jealousy for anything that is giving Master pleasure that isnt me, i know thats very ungracious of me, but even if He touches Himself, i find myself envious that something other then me is giving Him pleasure..so i dont knowhow I would fair if another was added, i'd have to get over my hang up quick i guess...*shrugs*

my'lee

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/18/2005 4:03:40 PM

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That's another thing I hear. "Wouldn't I be enough for you?"

To me that smacks more of latent insecurity, or that preconcieved notion that I gobble up women like Pac-Man gobbles dots and power pellets. Yes its frustrating to find someone (especially in a format such as this) who is interesting and would like to get to know more, only to have the word poly being treated like a four-letter word.

Lets face it people... although there are more people exploring themselves these days, the ridiculous notion that EVERYONE should watch the same things on TV, eat the same foods, worship the same god, and have relationships of the same kind is still prevalent in this country. Its rather depressing at times to see it, and its about as firmly entrenched as its ever been....

_____________________________

If you want to know, then ask. If you to want to heal, then speak. If you want to learn, then listen. If you want to submit, then surrender. If you truly want to love, then you must do all four.

(in reply to pineapplesub)

RE: Why subs run when they hear the word poly - 8/18/2005 4:08:24 PM

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I HATE IT WHEN PEPOLE WATCH DIFFRENT THINGS ON TV FROM ME CUZ LIKE THEN I CANT DISCUSS AMERICAIN IDLE OR WHATEVER WITH THEM AND WE WONT HAVE NOTHING TO TLAK ABOUT

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rendclaw

Lets face it people... although there are more people exploring themselves these days, the ridiculous notion that EVERYONE should watch the same things on TV, eat the same foods, worship the same god, and have relationships of the same kind is still prevalent in this country. Its rather depressing at times to see it, and its about as firmly entrenched as its ever been....

_____________________________

LRODANDMASTER TYPE LIKE DUMASS BUT HIM NO DUMASS

(in reply to Rendclaw)

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