quote:

ORIGINAL: Ilsekoch

I know no vanilla or NORMAL people who would put up with this.

quote:

Let's face it though- a grand majority of people (doms) out there THINK poly would be a great idea, and have absolutely no skills to do it well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouspet55

I don't want to share my man, I'm posessive, and I'd hope he would be too. I want him to love me, and I will love him in return. If there was someone else involved, I'd always be questioning if he was going to leave me for that person, if he thought the other person more attractive, if I disappointed him would he compare me to her, etc. It won't work for me.

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ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackwolf99

If I say "I love my partner" and I say, "I love my mother." and I say " I love cats." does the same definition apply? (yeah I know there some of you thinking 'maybe'. *wink*)

Probably not, but I'm wondering what your mother would say if you told her you had another mother that you loved just as much and it wouldn't mean you loved that one mother less, but all the holidays and special events of your life would be spent with the other mother since obviously, the first mother had other children that you didn't want involved with the second mother..

Yes, I know those situations exist, but here's the thing...if you have to convince someone that your way is best, then why bother? If they're going to run, then that's a decision they've made for themselves, and why in the world would you want to try to convince someone that they could live in a manner they didn't want to live in? It doesn't mean your life is wrong and it doesn't mean theirs is either. It just means your life is wrong for them.

There's a sociology book I read often and in it they talk about relationships. The  book states that the most unstable relationship is that of a pair. However, while it is the most unstable, it is also the most intense - sociologically speaking - of the other choices. According to the book, as a new person joins the existing relationship, stability increases but at the cost of intensity between its members.

And it could just be that there are some submissives who at some level, recognize this and don't want that in their lives. And then too, the people you're talking to might really not want an entire other family to join...perhaps they're looking for just one at this time.

And that's not saying one bad thing about them or those who choose polyamorous lifestyles.

juliet

quote:

ORIGINAL: venusdiva429

I've never been involved in a poly relationship, mind, but I've been interested- slightly.

A little of what might go through someone's head when they're approached by a couple/poly Dom (I'm not saying that any of these are right or fair, but these can possibly be present in their heads)...keep in mind, this is your run-of-the-mill person responding to an ad or email on the site. Some are going to be highly insulting and offensive, but I'm just reporting back reactions that I've heard through my life:

• They've fucked around, and therefore risk factors for things like herpes (which can be transmitted even with a condom) are higher.
  
• By becoming a partner with this poly person, I'd be just another notch on the belt until someone better comes along, no matter what sort of platitudes they may spout.
  
• Can't be depended on to be there for you, because they'll be spending their time with someone else.
  
• I wonder how many kids are running about. I wonder who the parents are. THEY probably wonder who the parents are.
  
• I see lots of women in these families, but what if I wanted another guy? And not a sub guy? What then?
  
• I would only be one third (or whatever percentage) of their hearts. Great.
  
• This is just an excuse to jump around from bed to bed.
  
• You're committment-phobic, and have probably hurt many wo/men in the past.
  
• They want an easy out when the time comes, and they need a fancy name for it.
  
• I wonder how many women went through the revolving door after they had their fun with her.
  
• Ah. Yes, the man as seed spreader. The "National Geographic" excuse. Nice.

So on, and so forth...

I may not think this way, but others do. If the majority of what people see of these relationships is that they come to bad ends, with many women involved and one very sated man, what do you expect of them? I'm glad for all of you that are able to make something lasting, loving, and beautiful out of what you've found. But, at the same time, do you think that people are going to rush to the forums and read the whole poly section to educate themselves on the great relationships of 50 people when you send an email? Probably not.

I don't like the fact that people who happen to favor monogamy as their preferred committment are being demonized, though, or made to sound like they're somehow mentally deficient. Would you call me weak or insecure? I'm not. I'm very confident and strong. I don't want a poly relationship. It's not for me. That's it. I'm not overrun with crazy scads of social conditioning that are driving me to want to be with one partner. I just like my focus on one person. I want their focus on me. You don't live that way. Fine.

Saying that people are just brainwashed into fidelity with one person is ignoring the fact that people, historically, tried to mate with just one person to guarantee blood lines for matters of premogeniture and inheritance, title, and legacy. That's the conditioning you're fighting against. It's not fly-by-night. It's historic. No one's knocking poly because it's wrong, but because it seems very unstable. The book that was referenced (title?) says that poly families are more stable, but that the focus is diffused. Of course there's more stability. If you're spending only half your time with a person, that's half the opportunities for strife.

I guess what I'm saying is that the "new" poly that leaves the swinging era of the 70s behind needs to be more out and proud. It has to be honest. That means being upfront in profiles, perhaps having both parties contact one candidate whose profile you both enjoy (or apply this to whoever is in your family). You have to reason with those beliefs, but not in a way that pushes or belittles. The man of the bunch may have to do some explaining about why he's the only man, whether that's a changeable option, and his reasons for it not being changeable if that's the case. But know that many subs want the attention of a single man or woman. It's not a defect to want healthy attention and focus, and you're not a spineless, insecure person for desiring this singular attention.

Poly people may be wired differently. That's fine. Your homes and hearts are filled with love. However, the face of poly, especially in recent times, hasn't been one of evenly shared love, but one of selfishness and gluttony. What ideas do you have to change this?

• Submissive - adj - Inclined or willing to submit
  
• Submission - n - the act of submitting to the power of another
  
• Polyamory - n - participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships
  
• Polyamorous - adj - pertaining to partipation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouspet55

I don't want to share my man, I'm posessive, and I'd hope he would be too. I want him to love me, and I will love him in return. If there was someone else involved, I'd always be questioning if he was going to leave me for that person, if he thought the other person more attractive, if I disappointed him would he compare me to her, etc. It won't work for me.

Someone once told me that loyalty and fidelity are two very different animals. It took me awhile to think about it, to really chew it ... and it made sense to me. I'm not trying to convert you but it was a definite turning point for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladiehawk

quote:

ORIGINAL: venusdiva429

I've never been involved in a poly relationship, mind, but I've been interested- slightly.

A little of what might go through someone's head when they're approached by a couple/poly Dom (I'm not saying that any of these are right or fair, but these can possibly be present in their heads)...keep in mind, this is your run-of-the-mill person responding to an ad or email on the site. Some are going to be highly insulting and offensive, but I'm just reporting back reactions that I've heard through my life:

• They've fucked around, and therefore risk factors for things like herpes (which can be transmitted even with a condom) are higher.
  
• By becoming a partner with this poly person, I'd be just another notch on the belt until someone better comes along, no matter what sort of platitudes they may spout.
  
• Can't be depended on to be there for you, because they'll be spending their time with someone else.
  
• I wonder how many kids are running about. I wonder who the parents are. THEY probably wonder who the parents are.
  
• I see lots of women in these families, but what if I wanted another guy? And not a sub guy? What then?
  
• I would only be one third (or whatever percentage) of their hearts. Great.
  
• This is just an excuse to jump around from bed to bed.
  
• You're committment-phobic, and have probably hurt many wo/men in the past.
  
• They want an easy out when the time comes, and they need a fancy name for it.
  
• I wonder how many women went through the revolving door after they had their fun with her.
  
• Ah. Yes, the man as seed spreader. The "National Geographic" excuse. Nice.

So on, and so forth...

I may not think this way, but others do. If the majority of what people see of these relationships is that they come to bad ends, with many women involved and one very sated man, what do you expect of them? I'm glad for all of you that are able to make something lasting, loving, and beautiful out of what you've found. But, at the same time, do you think that people are going to rush to the forums and read the whole poly section to educate themselves on the great relationships of 50 people when you send an email? Probably not.

I don't like the fact that people who happen to favor monogamy as their preferred committment are being demonized, though, or made to sound like they're somehow mentally deficient. Would you call me weak or insecure? I'm not. I'm very confident and strong. I don't want a poly relationship. It's not for me. That's it. I'm not overrun with crazy scads of social conditioning that are driving me to want to be with one partner. I just like my focus on one person. I want their focus on me. You don't live that way. Fine.

Saying that people are just brainwashed into fidelity with one person is ignoring the fact that people, historically, tried to mate with just one person to guarantee blood lines for matters of premogeniture and inheritance, title, and legacy. That's the conditioning you're fighting against. It's not fly-by-night. It's historic. No one's knocking poly because it's wrong, but because it seems very unstable. The book that was referenced (title?) says that poly families are more stable, but that the focus is diffused. Of course there's more stability. If you're spending only half your time with a person, that's half the opportunities for strife.

I guess what I'm saying is that the "new" poly that leaves the swinging era of the 70s behind needs to be more out and proud. It has to be honest. That means being upfront in profiles, perhaps having both parties contact one candidate whose profile you both enjoy (or apply this to whoever is in your family). You have to reason with those beliefs, but not in a way that pushes or belittles. The man of the bunch may have to do some explaining about why he's the only man, whether that's a changeable option, and his reasons for it not being changeable if that's the case. But know that many subs want the attention of a single man or woman. It's not a defect to want healthy attention and focus, and you're not a spineless, insecure person for desiring this singular attention.

Poly people may be wired differently. That's fine. Your homes and hearts are filled with love. However, the face of poly, especially in recent times, hasn't been one of evenly shared love, but one of selfishness and gluttony. What ideas do you have to change this?

I love you too!
(Hey, does that mean I am poly-loves after all?
Nay, just bi-loves    )