I've never been involved in a poly relationship, mind, but I've been interested- slightly.
A little of what might go through someone's head when they're approached by a couple/poly Dom (I'm not saying that any of these are right or fair, but these can possibly be present in their heads)...keep in mind, this is your run-of-the-mill person responding to an ad or email on the site. Some are going to be highly insulting and offensive, but I'm just reporting back reactions that I've heard through my life:
- They've fucked around, and therefore risk factors for things like herpes (which can be transmitted even with a condom) are higher.
- By becoming a partner with this poly person, I'd be just another notch on the belt until someone better comes along, no matter what sort of platitudes they may spout.
- Can't be depended on to be there for you, because they'll be spending their time with someone else.
- I wonder how many kids are running about. I wonder who the parents are. THEY probably wonder who the parents are.
- I see lots of women in these families, but what if I wanted another guy? And not a sub guy? What then?
- I would only be one third (or whatever percentage) of their hearts. Great.
- This is just an excuse to jump around from bed to bed.
- You're committment-phobic, and have probably hurt many wo/men in the past.
- They want an easy out when the time comes, and they need a fancy name for it.
- I wonder how many women went through the revolving door after they had their fun with her.
- Ah. Yes, the man as seed spreader. The "National Geographic" excuse. Nice.
So on, and so forth...
I may not think this way, but others do. If the majority of what people see of these relationships is that they come to bad ends, with many women involved and one very sated man, what do you expect of them? I'm glad for all of you that are able to make something lasting, loving, and beautiful out of what you've found. But, at the same time, do you think that people are going to rush to the forums and read the whole poly section to educate themselves on the great relationships of 50 people when you send an email? Probably not.
I don't like the fact that people who happen to favor monogamy as their preferred committment are being demonized, though, or made to sound like they're somehow mentally deficient. Would you call me weak or insecure? I'm not. I'm very confident and strong. I don't want a poly relationship. It's not for me. That's it. I'm not overrun with crazy scads of social conditioning that are driving me to want to be with one partner. I just like my focus on one person. I want their focus on me. You don't live that way. Fine.
Saying that people are just brainwashed into fidelity with one person is ignoring the fact that people, historically, tried to mate with just one person to guarantee blood lines for matters of premogeniture and inheritance, title, and legacy. That's the conditioning you're fighting against. It's not fly-by-night. It's historic. No one's knocking poly because it's wrong, but because it seems very unstable. The book that was referenced (title?) says that poly families are more stable, but that the focus is diffused. Of course there's more stability. If you're spending only half your time with a person, that's half the opportunities for strife.
I guess what I'm saying is that the "new" poly that leaves the swinging era of the 70s behind needs to be more out and proud. It has to be honest. That means being upfront in profiles, perhaps having both parties contact one candidate whose profile you both enjoy (or apply this to whoever is in your family). You have to reason with those beliefs, but not in a way that pushes or belittles. The man of the bunch may have to do some explaining about why he's the only man, whether that's a changeable option, and his reasons for it not being changeable if that's the case. But know that many subs want the attention of a single man or woman. It's not a defect to want healthy attention and focus, and you're not a spineless, insecure person for desiring this singular attention.
Poly people may be wired differently. That's fine. Your homes and hearts are filled with love. However, the face of poly, especially in recent times, hasn't been one of evenly shared love, but one of selfishness and gluttony. What ideas do you have to change this?
I love you too!
(Hey, does that mean I am poly-loves after all?
Nay, just bi-loves )
Ooooh, baby !
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Never be an option when he's your priority. Just...don't. You are a true gem to a true man!