simplyslavegirl
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Joined: 7/11/2005
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“A Look Within…”
By'simplyslavegirl'
07/23/05 1:50 am
As I sit here tonight outside my son’s bedroom door, patiently waiting for him to fall asleep, a storm of thoughts, long put away, flood my mind like a violent rain storm. It begins with the thoughts about my inner slave….don’t quit on me yet, I’m really not losing my mind, I swear. Then it drifts back to when I think it all started…..
About five years ago, my now husband asks me to read this book he had borrowed off of his female friend, “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”. I remember it was my senior year, I had lots of study halls, so of course lots of reading time. Once I started this book, I couldn’t put it down. It sucked me in, turned me on, and I even caught myself fantasizing about it. That I was Beauty and was enduring all of her obstacles, that I was in her shoes, or collar so to speak. I never really understood why. I blamed it on an overactive imagination and that I was just ‘weird’.
It was about two years later that I got my computer. Immediately I hit the chat rooms; something to pass my time, entertain, and besides, I liked talking with different people…I’m shy offline so this was a lot easier for me. I am fully aware of the dangers that go along with online conversations - I had been raped two years previously by someone I had met online. Sad thing is my sister knew his family, was the only reason I agreed to meet him in the first place. Anyway, while visiting different chat rooms, I stumbled into the BDSM room lists. My heart instantly froze for an instant , my hands trembled as I entered the rooms. And after talking with some people who made me feel extremely welcomed, I realized why I felt they way I did when I read the Beauty novels; that I wasn’t crazy; that there were others out there like me; and also that my fantasies could come true.
My roadblock now was that I was now married with a 4 month old baby boy. Realizing this was definitely halting to my feelings, I stuck to online only sorts of things. I moved into ‘Gor’ and role-played my slavery there. I now realize that this was all when I truly began to realize that I wasn’t all that happy in the first place in my offline marriage. I shrugged it off thinking it would all pass, my feelings would go away Instead, every night I’d come home from work, hubby would be sleeping in the next room and here I am, online role-playing my slavery to remain faithful and happy. I love my husband, I don’t want to hurt him, I know he loves me like no other I’ve ever known. This continued for the next 2 years, though I stopped for a little while to try and refocus on my marriage, only to find that I was still lacking something, knowing it was my slavery, and I had to go back.
Now, last year, my husband approached me, concerned because he thought I was having an affair online. Some may consider it so, I don’t. I have never had sex with anyone else and cyber is dumb anyway. I had only simply role-played my part as a slave, where I truly felt happy and where I belonged. He told me I was obsessed with online chat, and maybe it was, but only because it was where I could be the real me. So I dialed up and took him where I spent most of my time, introducing him into the world of BDSM and Gor, and showed him who I truly am, a slave.
We sat and talked for a long time afterwards about it; what I wanted, what my needs were, etc. He still just didn’t understand why everything had to be different, why things could be the way they were. Sometimes I feel he still doesn’t understand. An online Friend and Master from the Home I served in spoke with my husband often, trying to help him learn the basics. He gave my hubby ideas which he instantly shot down and didn’t like. After much probing about it he told me. This Master had told my husband to chain me at the foot of our bed, not allow me in it, but to sleep on the floor. To make me realize my place and my status, that I was only a slave. He hated the idea and refused. I, on the other hand, loved it and found it exciting and erotic. It never happened.
So, desperate, I tried a simpler approach, one a little more from my perspective. After all, who is a slave to tell a man how to be a Master?? I bought a book that had lots of good reviews, “The Loving Dominant”. I read it, and found it informative and thought he would find it helpful too. He read a few chapters than stopped - he’s not the reading type. So then I rented “the Secretary” hoping that it would give him some ideas of what I wanted, or even just another look into the lifestyle. (Before you dog it, I know it’s not the greatest film….but it helped a little) After that I got like two, maybe three spankings and that has only been during sex with a little bit of hair pulling. Not enough.
The biggest dilemma we face is that he works daylight and I work evenings. We only see each other on weekends and my extra day off. So what do I want?
I want to be owned in it’s entirety. I want to know that I now don’t HAVE to make all these decisions. To know that it is my Master whom I serve, not just because I want to, but because I know it pleases him for me to do so. When I say serve, I mean more than just being the loving, devoted wife….I mean with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. To give everything to him, litterally put my life in his hands and know that he understands and appreciates the amazing gift that I give to him when I do that. To know that he will push my limits now and then, not to be cruel, not just because it pleases him to do it, but also to mold me into a better slave for his desires, needs, and ultimate pleasure. I want a Master who’s word is final; he might consider my opinions and listen to what I have to say, but to know his word is ALWAYS final.
This is what makes me happy, this is what gets my blood pumping, the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, it’s what gets me ‘high’ and turns me on; and this is where I know I belong. In a collar, kneeling at my Master’s feet awaiting his next command, request, or play session.
When I think of all these things and get to realizing how truly unhappy I am, I become frightened. Frightened to know that my husband does love me, that I do love him, that I know I am safe with him and protected by him, but that I know I will never be fully happy where I am in my ‘vanilla’ lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder where all of this became so out of control and fully consumed me???
Then that ugly word DIVORCE pops into my head and I scurry to push it from my mind. The fear gripping my stomach tightly again almost making me nauseous as I begin to realize what that ‘fear’ really is. It’s me. Afraid to leave my comfort zone, to leave my area of security. My family is here, my job, my husband. To know that once I get divorced, I am fair game again, no one to protect me, I am on my own. And even more frightening to know that I head out into this world as a slave, with so many sick people out there…..who knows what could happen??? (though I know SadisticHell would never truly harm me that way, *smiles*)
But, most importantly, when I get divorced……what becomes of my son???? My husband knows of my lifestyle, and even of the dangers involved. What if he uses that against me for custody? How can I defend that?? My son is my world, and I won’t ever let any harm come to him, and I assure that he would never see that side of the lifestyle, but I know there are lots of couples in the lifestyle with children, and all those kids are fine. But what if I lose him? Then if I’d move out of state…how hard joint custody would be. I would never take a child away from his father….I want his father to be a part of his life too, I just don’t know right now how that would work.
So, I face several dilemmas right now, and I just hope that this clears up a lot of things for people. Everyone seems to think that I haven’t tried to help my husband understand….that I’m just out to cheat on him, or find an easy way out. I’m not. I just need to be myself, and where I’m at right now, I know that will never happen.
< Message edited by simplyslavegirl -- 7/23/2005 12:18:17 AM >
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A look within.... - 
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